//------------------------------//
// Destroying Canterlot 
// Story: Flies, Lord of Thee 
// by inDerpxar 
//------------------------------//


Destroying Canterlot

It was a dark and stormy night. He trudged through the rain, head low as rain beat upon his dark hood. He seemed to ignore the puddles in the roadway, choosing to slog through them rather than keep his hooves dry by stepping around them. When he came to the door, he pushed it open with one hoof and stepped inside the building without so much as pausing to look around. A brief glow lit up his horn, and the door closed behind him. The light yellow light from his horn barely illuminated his face before it dimmed again, plunging the room into near darkness once more. The stallion muttered a few strange words underneath his breath as he trotted towards a table. In the dim light, he raised one hoof and tapped a dusty glass jar. Inside, fireflies sputtered to life, and a sickly green glow lit the room. The stallion threw his hood back and oh my goodness it’s a mare. It’s totally a mare. My bad. That was my fault. It’s really a mare.
The mare stomped her front hooves on the ground angrily as she threw a temper tantrum. “Aaargh I hate this place. This is a stupid place. Why do I even come here? It’s dark, and the fireflies are stupid, and there’s rain outside all the time, and everyone thinks I’m a stallion for some reason.” She glared at the fireflies, as if they understood her and could do anything about her plight. One of the fireflies managed to escape, and lazily flew close to her ear.
“I can understand you,” The small creature said, and flew in a wide circle around her head. Hey, that rhymes.
“Shut up!” She said, grabbing the firefly in her telekinesis and shoving it back into the jar. Of course, in the process, she had to unscrew the lid of the jar, and when she did so, all the other fireflies escaped and began flying around the room. The mare started pounding her front hooves on the ground and wailing again. “Stupid fireflies. I hate fireflies! Why do I even have fireflies? Fireflies are so stupid!” As the fireflies flew around the room, the previously concentrated light they emitted waned to a dim glow that illuminated the entire room. 
“Fine. I’ll turn on the light. Stupid lightbulb. I hate lightbulbs.” The mare stomped across the room, lightning bugs scattering as she approached, and stared upwards at a solitary lightbulb with a pull string. She glared at the string. “Stupid string. I hate string.” The string hung a leg’s length away from the tip of her horn, and seemed to not care how much she glared at it.
“Come down here, you stupid son of a stupid,” She said, and reached upwards with one hoof, managing to touch the string. She batted it a few times with her outstretched hoof. “How am I supposed to even pull this stupid thing?” She demanded. She attempted to stand on her back hooves, reaching up with both her front legs, but quickly fell onto her back. With a growl of frustration, she scrambled to her hooves, arched her back, and leapt upwards, grabbing the string in her teeth. She hung there for several moments, suspending her entire body weight off the string. The light didn’t turn on.
The lightningbugs had congregated in a circle around her and were observing the spectacle. “Um, you know, that’s your Ethernet cable,” one of them helpfully pointed out. The mare glanced upward to see her router directly above her, with a cable coming out of it that she was hanging from, and a tiny chain coming out of the lightbulb socket, hanging only a short ways down before ending abruptly several hooves above her head.
“How am I supposed to reach that? That’s stupid. You’re stupid,” The mare opened her mouth to say, but fell to the ground immediately when she let go of the Ethernet cable.
“You do realize that you’re a unicorn, right?” One of the other lightningbugs asked.
The mare considered this for a moment, pondering what level of stupidity that statement most directly resembled. “Fine,” she sighed, and used her telekinesis in a simple, fluid movement to pull the chain hanging down from the light.
It didn’t turn on.
She opened her mouth to utter prophetic words of wisdom concerning the folly of said light, but at that moment, the friendly stallion who worked at the electric company finished repairing the electric lines and flipped the switch to turn the power back on to her house, and the entire room was immediately flooded with light. The mare immediately fell to the ground, covering her eyes with her front hooves, and started whining.
“This stupid stupid stupid is so stupid that I should stupid it right in the stupid before the stupid…” After many other brilliant words of great intellect, she stumbled to her hooves again, eyes accustomed to the light, and glared at the fireflies again, who all wore looks of incredulity. “Everything is stupid. I’ll prove it. See this table?” She jumped on top of the table with the firefly jar on it. “This table is stupid. I bet you that if I jump up and down on it enough, it’ll break, it’s so stupid.” She began jumping up and down uncontrollably.
“Your ex is stupid,” One of the fireflies said.
“Hey! Shut up!” She paused for a moment, tapping her chin with a hoof. “Wait, he was, wasn’t he?” She hopped down from the table, falling flat on her face.
“Can you let me out now?” The one firefly in the jar asked.
“No! Shut up,” She politely screamed as she rose to her hooves. She stared at the papers on the table that she had just been jumping up and down on. Some of them looked fairly important, come to think of it, and now all of them were wet and crinkled. “Are those bills?”
Just then, the not-so-friendly stallion at the electric company who keeps track of when ponies have paid their electricity bills or not pulled the switch going to her house, and the room was dark once more. The mare was silent for exactly three seconds before sighing in frustration. “Stupid,” She said.


* * *




The mare’s name was Fancy Butterflies, and her cutie mark was a cutesy little batch of stars, hearts, and stamps which represented her talent in scrapbooking. She really liked scrapbooking, but if you asked her about it, she’d probably say it was stupid just so you would stop bugging her about it. But of course, ponies everywhere talked about cutie marks constantly, since it was a good conversation starter, so she always would just say it was a skydiving cutie mark. At which point anyone talking to her would get the opinion that she was crazy and leave her alone.
But she wasn’t crazy. On this particular morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and she was humming to herself as she wandered around the kitchen. “Everything is awesome…” She hummed as she poured coffee into her mug. “Everything is cool when you’re a part of the team…” She took a swig of the coffee, then immediately spat it out into the sink. “Yuck! I hate coffee. That’s silly. Why am I drinking coffee?” She threw the entire mug into the sink, where it shattered into a bunch of tiny pieces. She pulled the coffee machine’s plug out of the wall and tossed the entire machine out the window, where it hit somepony on the head. “Oh, everything is awesome…” She continued humming as she opened the door and walked outside.
“Nope, wait, that’s the closet,” She said as she came out and went out the other door.
She sighed contentedly as she stepped outside into the howling blizzard. The door closed behind her and all inside the house was still. Even the clocks, cause the batteries were all dead. A few seconds later, she rushed back inside and slammed the door, planting her hooves against the sides of the doorframe as she panted, staring forward in horror. Her hair was askew, which is a funny word that means it looked like one of those 1D guys’ hair. Her face was plastered with snow, her tail was frozen stiff, and she was shivering. 
“Zomg! It’s cold out there!” She said. “I thought it was supposed to be a sunny day with the birds chirping.” She looked at the TV where an episode of some show was playing, where everypony was happily singing about wrapping up winter or something silly like that. “Ah! That’s not the weather forecast. My bad.” She stared up at her mane. “Arrgh, my hair. It’s all ruined and stuff.” She sighed and trudged back into her bathroom to make it up again.
Several days later, when she had finished fixing her hair… Wait, is that sexist? That’s sexist, isn’t it? *ahem* What I meant to say was…
Several days later, the weather was far clearer, and she stepped outside to a cheery day. The sun was shining (Well, actually, it had just gone out, but it would take about eight minutes for the light to stop coming to Equestria, so that’s really not all that important), the birds were singing, the ducks were quacking, and the foxes were screaming. Yes, that’s what foxes do. Around a particular time of year, anyway. Silly city people don’t know what foxes sound like.
“AHHCHOO,” she calmly said as she took a lovely deep breath of pollen. It felt great. She loved pollen. She found it silly. Everything was silly, which was what made it awesome. 
“Good morning, Flies,” A green unicorn with a harp cutie mark called as she walked past. Fancy Butterflies liked being called just “Flies” because it sounded like she was all emo, but today it just sounded silly enough for her to giggle.
“Good mythical morning, Lyra!” Flies cheerily called back, and realizing this made her sound too sane, hastily added, “Today is the day when I shall lay waste to Canterlot!”
“Great!” Lyra responded as she continued walking past. “Have fun! I’m off to dissect a corpse I exhumed the other day.”
“Fun? How silly is tha-“ Was all Files could get out before a pink pony smashed into her. 
“Did somepony say fun?” The pony asked. “Cause I like fun. It’s almost like that time when everything was covered in rainbows and I saw the sky turn pink and really how silly is that because the sky’s normally pink here and don’t you think that’s odd because the sky is supposed to be blue during the day which makes a lot more sense because of how light refracts in the upper atmosphere and oh yeah is this your coffee machine?” The pink mare grinned excitedly as she held out a perfectly intact coffee machine that looked suspiciously like the one Flies threw out of her window several days ago. 
Flies stared at the machine for a moment. “No…”
The pink pony giggled in reply. “Of course it is, silly. It’s got your name on it.” She dropped the machine in Flies’ lap and rocketed off at a speed close to the speed of light.
Flies stared at the note on the coffee machine. The note that read This is Flies’ coffee machine. Keep your stinking ugly hooves off my coffee machine. “Huh,” was all Flies could say before the wormhole that the pink pony left from running away too fast sucked her in and deposited her in the middle of town.
“Well, that saved some walking,” Flies said. Ponies stared at her for appearing out of nowhere, but she mentally dismissed them all as silly anyway, and started trotting towards her favorite fruit stand.
At that moment, there was a clap of thunder, and the fabric of reality tore itself in half in front of her, leaving a gigantic oval hole filled with bright blue light. Bolts of electricity sparked from the edges of the fissure as a strange-looking ape creature stepped out of the hole. The creature had spindly forelegs and hindlegs, and stood upright on her hind legs as she regarded Flies. Strange, loose-fitting clothing covered most of the creature’s body except her head. At the end of her forehooves were long, strange spindly appendages which she was using to grasp a gigantic gun.
The creature glanced around a bit. “Ooh, look, a pony dimension.” She then brandished her gun and pointed with one of her strange appendaged forehooves at Flies. “I am you from the future. There’s no time to explain. Follow me to- EHRMAHGERD!” A gigantic crab suddenly broke out of the fissure and grabbed the creature in a claw. The crab began scuttling away down the street, smashing through market stands and buildings.
Flies stared at the gun the creature had dropped. “Hey, look, a giant gun,” She said, grabbing it with her magic and shoving it into her saddlebag. She casually walked away, ignoring a white unicorn with purple mane that began chasing after the giant crab. A few ponies started running around and screaming in terror when they saw the crab, but then they realized this sort of thing happens all the time, so they quickly calmed down and shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Half their GDP was from rebuilding things, anyway.
After a bit of walking, Flies spotted Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville’s very own alicorn princess. Turning into alicorns was all the rage these days. “Hi, Twilight!” She called.
Twilight turned away from the other pony she had been chatting to and made a face that made it look like she was trying to not make a face. “Oh, hi Flies,” She said, slapping on a grin that was just a little bit too wide. “What are you doing today?”
Flies paid her reluctance no heed. “Oh, I just got this super awesome weapon from a version of myself from an alternate dimension that I’m going to destroy Canterlot with.” Hey, if she was going to lie, she might as well keep the lie consistent. Who knows? She might actually do that today. She wasn’t exactly busy with anything else.
Twilight’s plastered grin didn’t waver. “Oh, that sounds great. Hey, have you read Lord of the Flies yet?” Twilight was always nagging Flies to read Lord of the Flies, because funny.
This time, though, Flies had the perfect answer. “Nope, too emo. Emo books are silly.”
Flies watched as Twilight’s eyes darted back and forth and the corners of her mouth started to droop ever so slightly. “Wh… Lord of the Flies isn’t emo! And you’re kind of an emo pony…”
But Flies was already walking away. “See ya, Princess! Oh, and let Celestia know that I’ll be seeing her this afternoon after laying waste to the city.”
She heard Twilight sigh, and glanced back to see the princess with her head drooping close to the ground. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” Twilight muttered.
Just then, Princess Luna flew overhead. “Oh, look, it’s Luna,” Flies said. “I bet she’s going to have a gigantically important role in this fanfic.” She didn’t.


* * *


Precisely three hours later, Flies was sitting on a mossy boulder above Canterlot, peering through a pair of binoculars at the city below. Discord was miniaturized and sitting in a small woven basket to her right, staring at her with huge, sad eyes.
“Yes, I know,” She said, turning away from her binoculars and looking at the tiny draconequus, “But it’s not my fault that the silly Poison Joke yesterday made you mute. It affected me, too. Now I’m not completely emo.” She looked back at her binoculars before smashing them to pieces across the rock. “Good. Now anyone who comes here will wonder more about why the binoculars are broken then why the city’s in ruins.” She glanced back at Discord, who was gently stroking a Luna plushie. “Stop, you. That’s just silly. Nopony cares about Luna.” She stood up and blinked away a mental picture of a horde of angry monkey-looking creatures infuriated at her for making such a comment. She should stop talking about Luna that way. Her head was always filled with such images when she did.
With sad eyes and a pouty face, Disord slowly put the plushie away.
“Good,” Flies said with a sneer. She didn’t know why she sneered, it just felt silly. And silly is the new awesome. “Now let’s destroy Canterlot.” She telekinetically grabbed a spiked mace that happened to be beside her and smashed the miniature glass model of Canterlot in front of her. It gave her great satisfaction to see pieces of glass fly everywhere and totally get in her mane and coat. Discord was great for making small glass scale models of things. “Good, now that’s done.” She brushed her hooves together in evil glee. “So what’s next?”
Discord pointed at his mouth and whined.
“Oh, right, here you go,” She said, and handed Discord the vial filled with Poison Joke cure. Discord snapped his fingers and was gone in a flash. “Well, that was silly,” She chided herself, “I should have used it on myself first. Whatever shall I do if I’m not emo?”
Instantly, she realized her entire plan was falling apart. Without being emo, how could she possibly hope to become a cyborg? Everypony knows normal people can’t be cyborgs. They have to be half-robots, and emo people already… Wait, that’s offensive, isn’t it? She shook her head to clear it, and levitated the gun out of her bag, staring at the curious trigger mechanism and the giant “DO NOT POINT AT FACE WHEN USING” labels all over it. She briefly considered firing it off into the air, but then she remembered that only silly people fire guns upwards, so she stood on top of the rock and pointed it downwards before pulling the trigger.
“BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!”
Apparently this gun had knockback settings that were off the charts. Flies had rocket-jumped herself far into the air, and was falling right towards the top of her own house. She was grateful for her thatched roof to break her fall. When she hit it, it immediately gave way, and she fell through it and landed on her nice, soft, comfortable granite countertop, held up by cushy cinder blocks right above the bouncy concrete floor. She laughed at the silliness of it all. “That was almost as bouncy as a trampoline!” She said before passing out from pain.
Luckily for her, she has a pretty good healing factor, so after a few minutes she was cleaning up. She hefted the broken countertop and cinder blocks out the window, mixed up some concrete to cover the busted patch in the floor, and instructed the hyenas on her roof to lie overtop of the hole she left and never move again. She sat down at her desk, opened the lid to her amazingly awesome gaming laptop that totally wasn’t a cheaply-made, overpriced Fujitsu with a terrible graphics card, and began typing out the events of her day.
It was a dark and stormy night. He trudged through the rain, head low as rain beat upon his dark hood…