//------------------------------//
// Episode 2: Elements of Frends [part 4: Learning about Friends [A Tale of Two Halves]] 
// Story: My Little Pony: Lernin' 'Bout Frends 
// by FenDingo 
//------------------------------//

[[ The First Part : The Part Where You Get a Brief Break from the Silly Way I Tend to Write ]]


“Good news, everyone!” Twilight farnsworthed as you helplessly continued to read her dialogue in the appropriate voice, “According to my official Prima Walkthrough Guide, we're almost at the Castle of Everytree! We just have to make our way across the infamous Rope-Bridge of the Somepony 'Zcutit Downs!”

Fluttershy made sort of a squeaking noise, elaborating, “Oh my... I've heard that the Somepony 'Zcutit Downs can be some of the most treacherous downs in the whole of the Everytree Forest!”

Rainbow Dash embellished, “Nobody knows who 'Zcutit was, or even her first name, but she's said to have died in a tragic unicycling incident while looking for her long-lost forbidden love interest!”

Rarity's eyes glazed over, “Ooh, a love story! How romantic! Why was her love interest forbidden?”

“She was in love with a forbidden tree.” - Rainbow Dash, 2014.

Rarity's eyes glazed over further [Twilight was worried she was in need of a cataract operation], “Ooh, a tree story! How arboreal! Why was the tree forbidden?”

At this, Applejack decided to intervene, “I think we should probably get to goin', ya know, before it gets dark?”

Pinkie was in agreement, “I conk her! I don't know how it works under Luna, but Celestia introduced legislation to forbid unicycling after dark.” The ponies looked to Twilight for confirmation. It was an unwritten rule that anything semi-intelligible Pinkie said would have to be confirmed by another present pony of present mind.

“She's right.” said Twilight, “The Equestrian Health and Safety Act of 1988, covering Vehicles Bearing an Odd Number of Devices of Rotation [covering all forms of Wheel, Squeel and Rectanguwheel] and also covering Coverings and General Upholstery of Firnitcher [hereafter assumed to be 'Furniture'] states that the former not be commandeered or operated after sundown from the point of reference of the would-be driver and states that the latter not be setonfireable by ondropping and leave-it-being of Objects of Ongoing Combustion [such as Lit Matches, Half-Finished Cigarettes [including Dog-Ends] and Those Last Bits of a Candle that are Really of No Use to Anyone].” The ponies were all quite impressed by Pinkie's confirmed outburst of usefulness. Rarity remembered what the Spirit of Christmas-Pinkie-Pie's-Future had said and was satisfied that she was doing a good job so far in saving Pinkie's character-health.

At this, the ponies continued towards the Somepony 'Zcutit Downs. After a couple of minutes, the trees thinned out into just a few stray articles dotted here and there. Rainbow Dash, who was flying just ahead of the group, spotted the unicycle-stand which marked the boundary of the Downs. There was a very long barbed-wire fence which also helped to delimit the questionable area of grassland. There were bays for ten comical-transportations, of which one was empty. The ponies stared for a number of seconds at the poignant lack of unicycle. Somepony 'Zcutit, whoever she was, was not coming back. They each grabbed a cycle and mounted up. Helmets were provided. The empty bay still bore its helmet, swinging gently in the late afternoon breeze; it didn't take Sherlock Holmes to work out what manner of Health and Safety Transgression had been committed by the daring Somepony. Twilight opened the gate and they rode off into the hills without a second thought [in Rainbow's case, without a thought in the first place].
They'd covered most of the distance to the rope bridge before someone worked out that they didn't actually have to use the unicycles. They dismounted and took a quick cigarette-break. Fluttershy had brought along a flask of coffee and poured everyone a cup. They continued on foot, sipping coffee and, for the first time that day, genuinely having a nice day. The grass was shining and the sun was green. Pinkie was quiet and Applejack clean. Rarity had chance to reapply the make-up she'd made a mess of during the intense unicycling. Rainbow Dash was stretching her wings [by pulling on the ends of them]. Fluttershy was chasing rabbits like the wolf she felt she was. Twilight was walking on two legs so she could both hold her coffee and chain-smoke; she felt she should be saving up her magic for something but wasn't sure what.

There it was! The Rope Bridge of the Somepony 'Zcutit Downs! Everypony cheered simultaneously. It was weird. They legged it towards the giant nature-crack, the other side of which the bridge granted access to. No, I'm not sure that the previous sentence was grammatically correct and no, I'm not going back to check it! I do have a life you know... Okay, please stop laughing... p-please? I promise I go out on the weekends- clubbing and such... no? Ok, you got me. I don't go out. Ever. My sad existence aside, the ponies sprinted towards the canyon-thing. Their little horse faces deflated upon seeing what they had to deal with.
Twilight was furious. She chucked her fag into the canyon, “Somepony's cut it down!” There was a groan and a moan. Twilight continued, “Argh... what are we supposed to do now. If only someone could fly...” The six friends looked proper sad as they proper looked over the edge of the canyon where the rope bridge hung proper uselessly against their side.
Rarity hazarded that Twilight was upset because liquid had started to escape from the edge of her eyes. She'd read somewhere that they only do that in the wake of intense sadness or intense infection. She went over to check, just in case it was the latter, “Erm... dahling? Are you ok? I'm sure Applejack has some antibiotics if it itches...”
“If... if what itches?” sobbed Twilight. Rarity had ruled out infection and proceeded to treat for Hurt Feelings. She took the flask from Fluttershy and poured her another coffee. They all sat down and Rarity wrapped her horse arm around Twilight's shoulder. “Don't worry, dahling, we'll get around this. I know it's been a long day and I know how much you abhor physical exercise but it's almost over now. We'll do this, I promise. Drink your coffee.”
Rarity felt she'd started to get a good grasp on pony-feelings, something she always struggled with. The Christmas spirit was flowing strong within her. It was all going rather well until Applejack grabbed at her free arm and yanked an expensive gold ring off her hoof. Rarity looked around and her heart sunk as she saw the vacant expression in the cowpony's eyes: Applejack was high.

“Applejack!” Rarity shouted, taking her arm from around Twilight's shoulders and standing up on her hind legs, arms akimbo, to face the drugged-up friend pony, “What the hell do you think you're doing with that!?”
Applejack beamed and shouted, “DEAR PIG, ARE YOU WILLING TO SELL FOR ONE SHILLING YOUR RING? SAID THE PIGGY 'I WILL'.”
Rarity walked towards her as she staggered away and shouted, “I thought you threw your last Codeine away! Don't tell me you had something else! What is it? LSD? Shrooms? PHP?” Twilight was too worried to inform Rarity that she'd meant 'PCP' and that PHP was a programming language.
Applejack was still staggering and shouting, “SO THEY TOOK IT AWAY AND WERE MARRIED NEXT DAY BY THE TURKEY WHO LIVES ON THE HILL.” As she reached the edge of the rift, she stopped. Everyone looked on in terror as she teetered on the edge before falling flat on her arse. Everypony had stopped stark still, waiting on Applejack's next move. Applejack once more broke the silence, shouting, “THE RING. THE ONE RING. CURSED RING, I CAST THEE INTO THE FIRES OF THE CRACK OF DOOM. NO LONGER SHALL YOU HOLD SWAY OVER MY PARTY AND CORRUPT THAT WHICH ONCE WAS GOOD.” She chucked the gold ring over the edge and Rarity shouted something as she leapt in after it. Rainbow Dash saw her chance to steal Applejack's thunder and shouted “I'll save her!”. She jumped in after Rarity and emerged after a number of seconds, holding the pony in question who, in turn, was holding the ring in question. Twilight, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy cheered. Rainbow Dash basked in all the attention she was receiving- you could almost see her starting to tan!
Twilight jumped to her feet, “Rainbow Dash, you can fly!”

After a minute or two, Applejack was back to normal. It turned out she'd taken a hit of Salvia, a potent psychoactive herb which wore out its effects within five to ten minutes. She was looking slightly ashamed of herself though her friends had decided to forgive her. Applejack always had a tough old time and couldn't be blamed for resorting to psychoactive medicines; her friends loved her just the way she was, even if she did do some stupid shit now and then.
With it having been re-ascertained that Rainbow Dash [and Fluttershy] had the ability to fly, and with Applejack no longer under the drug-fuelled assumption that she possessed the same ability, it was no problem for Rainbow to fly over to the other side of the rift with the loose end of the rope bridge firmly clenched between her strong horse-teeth. She landed by the support posts and began to tie the bridge back into place.

Rainbow Dash had just finished tying the first support when she heard an 'ahem' over her shoulder. She looked around, confused. Three ponies were standing behind her. They were wearing impeccable suits and each had a briefcase under one arm; they looked super important. Applejack shouted over from the other side of the rift, “If that's the FBI, tell them I got rid of the questionable indoor-garden weeks ago.”
One of the suited ponies spoke up, she appeared to be the leader of the three, “Don't worry, we're not the FBI. We've actually come here to find you, Rainbow Dash.”
“Me? What do you want with me?” she said.
“We've come to make you an offer, actually,” the well-tailored pony continued, “You have been selected as a very special pony, destined to join us on our secret mission. Your friends, however, can't know about this. You must leave them behind and come with us. We will only offer this choice once.” Rainbow dash looked conflicted. She couldn't stand the thought of a secret mission going on without her taking part. However; she couldn't just leave her friends part-way through their very own mission. Twilight shouted over, “Hey! What's happening over there? Who are the suits?”
Rainbow knew she couldn't give too much away for fear of losing out on the secret mission. She replied, “Erm, it's nothing really. Sort of a Red-Pill Blue-Pill thing.”
“Take both pills,” advised Applejack at the top of her lungs.
The suited pony continued, “If you choose to come with us, there'll be a Secret Clubhouse. The only catch is that this Secret Mission could be all you've ever dreamed of or it could be nothing at all. Will you take the gamble? Are you brave enough?” Rainbow Dash's well-honed sense of pretence was getting the better of her. A Secret Clubhouse! Capital letters and all! She was almost ready to make her decision. She asked once more for confirmation.
“It's sort of a gamble. Should I risk it?” she shouted over to her friends. The reply came back almost immediately, from Applejack again, “Do it. Gamble like I'm not allowed to any more!” It wasn't a very good case. Rainbow Dash turned back to the stranger-ponies and made up her mind.
“This all sounds most excellent, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline. You see, I'm already on a secret mission. The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance and I have to stay loyal to my cause. The way we're going, I could have my very own full-sized Stained-Glass Window at Canterlot Castle by the end of the week!” she said.
At that, the suited ponies snarled in anger and collapsed into three piles of anger-ash. Rainbow Dash saw a ghostly wisp escape from the limp suits. She opened one of the briefcases to see what they had been carrying [precious silks, she hoped]. It was full of what appeared to be fanfiction. Ream after ream of fanfiction! Each page had a badly-drawn copyright logo on it next to the name of the author: Luna Armstrong!
Rainbow felt better knowing that it was all a trick [well, she felt better knowing she'd won]. She finished tying the bridge and laughed every time her friends squealed in horror as she pretended to go to cut the rope with a pair of scissors while they were crossing. Once everyone was present and safe, she began to explain her heroic tale of loyalty while Fluttershy collected up the precious fanfiction and stored it in her abdominal-pouch.
It wasn't long after setting off that they reached the ruins of the Castle of Everytree.


[[ The Second Part : The Part Where it Gets Sillier and a Fair Bit Harder to Read ]]


The Castle of Everytree. The Everytree of Castle. Every of the Treecastle. Stevey the Ref O' Treacle. Taste hot E-celery fever... Twilight was staring at the plaque attached to the wall of the castle in question. She was making anagrams of it for lack of anything better to do. The doors had been firmly bolted shut and the six ponies had initially assumed that the power of friendship would be the key to unlock it [There was also a real key, left under the doormat, but the ponies hadn't thought to check]. The door hadn't budged for any amount of amity they'd conjured up, so they'd resorted to Pinkie's bolt-cutters to get the job done. It was taking a while as all the ponies lacked upper-body strength; they essentially had to spend half an hour filing away at the budgeless bolt before they burst into the bastle.
“Boom!” exclamation-marked Rainbow Dash as she flang open the castle doors. They were in!
“Taste hot E-celery fever!” boasted Twilight [to the empty foyer]. The foyer didn't respond except to echo.
“This darned castle's tryin' to steal your joke,” annoyanced Applejack at the echo, “Why, I aughta buck it into the middle of next week!”
“Come now, Applejack, we have jewellery to steal,” said Rarity, “We don't have time to fight inanimates.”
“She's right,” gave-her-two-cents Twilight, “We have to find those Elements, even if it kills Pinkie. Let's split up and look for scoobies.”

And so the gang splat up. Twilight, Fluttershy and Rarity went right; Pinkie Pie and Applejack went straight on; and Rainbow Dash hung slightly to the left. This went on for some time until Twilight & co stumbled across an impressive circular room. There was a circular plinth in the centre, bearing six stone orbs.
“What's a plinth?” asked Fluttershy, happily giving away my narrative to the other two present characters.
“Err... where did you get that word, Fluttershy?” asked Twilight. Goddamnit, Fluttershy! I'd expect this sort of shit from Pinkie, but you? I thought you'd know better than to break the forth wall.
“I'm really sorry... I...” she tried to explain to me before I interrupted [as the other ponies watched on, silently worrying about the mental health of their yellow friend as she apologised to thin air], No! You know what? If you think you're so good at this, why don't you narrate for a while? I'll go get another coffee. Good luck, man! [I'm not really angry; I just want to see what she does!]

…

… “Fluttershy's... Fluttershy's friends were looking at her as if she was crazy. They didn't know about the... the narrator and she couldn't just tell them. Err, what do I?.. Oh my... Err:
Twilight said, [Oh gosh, I really don't want to...] “F... Fluttershy, what are you doing? Are you feeling ok?”
Err, then she said, “Fluttershy, I don't know if this is some sort of joke but could you please stop copying what I'm saying!”
R... Rarity walked over to Fluttershy and put her arm around her shoulder as Fluttershy's voice lowered to just a mumble because she didn't really want Rarity to hear her.
“Fluttershy...” said Rarity, “What? Why are you mimicking me? It's really hard to talk w... wit... with you talking over m... over me with everything I j... just finished saying... Goddamnit Fluttershy, stop it!”
Twilight seems to have taken pity on me... err, on Fluttershy... err... I mean: Twilight seemed to have taken pity on Fluttershy, realizing that her yellow friend was unable to explain the task she'd been charged with. Twilight walked over to her friend and put her arm around her free shoulder. Fluttershy was trapped in a sandwich of love, tolerance and friendship and she suddenly felt very safe. Fluttershy wanted to assure her friends that she was sorry about not letting them talk without interrupting but she felt she was not allowed to break narration.
“It's ok, Fluttershy, Applejack went way more crazy just before,” reassured Twilight, battling well through Fluttershy's constant echolalia, “We'll let you have your moment. We can go get the others while you play it out.” And... and, at that, Rarity and Twilight went to walk out of the room to go call the others. F... oh dear... Fluttershy couldn't help but stare at their perfectly-rounded behinds as they walked away. Err, Rarity and Twilight looked back at their best friend worriedly as Fluttershy desperately wanted to convince them that she wasn't a royal perv and that she had just gone temporarily insane... Err, they suddenly seemed to be convinced and smiled sincerely at Fluttershy as they exited stage-left... … … Fluttershy was alone and feeling very sorry for herself. She wondered what she had done to deserve this and hoped that she hadn't revealed too much of her rampant sexual deviancy to the only friends she ever had. She didn't want to be alone again...”

…

That'll do, Fluttershy; That'll do. I said to the yellow pony as I came back into the room with my fresh cup of coffee. Give me a second and I'll see how you scored out of ten! I rolled a cigarette as I looked over Fluttershy's brief moment in the spotlight. After a quick fit of laughter, I addressed her again:: Not bad! Not bad at all! Better than I'd have done! You used 'suddenly' a couple of times, which is generally frowned upon and you almost switched tenses that one time but, overall, really not bad! I'd give you a nine out of ten. Mostly for the line about Rarity's and Twilight's “Perfectly-rounded behinds”, but still... You can feel free to take my job if ya want.
“I... I really don't think I...” she mumbled. I laughed and reassured her that she could explain everything to her friends when they came back in. Don't worry, Fluttershy, you won't be alone. I won't let that happen; not even for a joke. And that's saying a lot because I'd do virtually anything for a joke. Seriously; I'd kill my own grandmother if I thought it would elicit a laugh! Aww, cheer up! Here, have a cigar. I can do anything, you know.
“Could you turn me into a wolf? As an Otherkin, it would be the manifestation of my density... err, my destiny.” she asked [then stated]. Sure thing! I mean, not for long- it would get in the way of the plot but... eh, we'll talk about it.

Twilight and Rarity had managed to find their other friends, most of them in compromising positions, and were on their way back to the circular chamber. Twilight magicked the door to said chamber open. The five ponies stopped simultaneously and lo' and beheld an unusual sight. In front of them sat a large yellow wolf with butterflies tattooed on the sides of its arse. It was smoking a cigar. It took them a number of seconds to work out what had happened but, when enlightenment arrived, they performed the seldom-seen Mexican-Facehoof.
“Fluttershy! What the hell did you manage to do?” said Twilight questionly.
“Well, it looks like she's over her weird echoing thing at least,” chipped-in Rarity.
Twilight looked like she was internally doubting herself. I don't know what that actually looks like but you can probably imagine better than I can. She said, “When you said you were Otherkin, I didn't take you seriously... I thought you were just doing it for the attention. I'm... I'm sorry for doubting you. No wonder you've been acting so strange.”
“That's ok, Twilight. I know I must have sounded crazy but Otherkin is a serious thing.” growled Fluttershy meekly, “I finally feel like my true self.”
“That's all that matters, sugarcube,” said Applejack. They all glomped (a sort of jump-hug according to deviantArt) Fluttershy. Their friendship was starting to shine through...

…But everything changed when the Lunar Nation attacked. The large skylight smashed as Princestral Dictator Luna Armstrong fell gracelessly to the floor of the circular room. The six friends looked worriedly at her limp body as I corrected the word 'friends' from 'firends' for the billionth time today... I just can't stop doing that for some reason, although it's not as bad as my 'optino'/'option' problem [seriously, by now I've had approximately one trillion 'optinos' for every choice!]. Anyway, the friends approached the royal sack-of-potatoes to ask her if she was ok.
“I'm fine!” she assured them, getting to her feet unsteadily, “Just need a minute...” She burst into her first dictatorial coughing-fit. She was proper winded. Twilight slapped her on the back a few times, which seemed to help. “Thank you,” she continued, blushing slightly at the act of kindness, “As I meant to say...” She flew into the air and began to laugh maniacally, “Foolish little ponies. You thought you could just waltz in here and commandeer the Elements of Frends just like that?!” The ponies didn't feel especially threatened considering she'd just managed to knock herself out. “I'll have you know that... why's Fluttershy a wolf?”
“Oh...” said Twilight, “Err, she's Otherkin.”
“Ah, I see,” said Luna, “Umm, where did she get that cigar?”
“I, err...” Fluttershy began, “... had it,” she finished, lamely.
“Oh, ok,” said Luna, “Well, anyway, I'll be taking the Elements for myself. Little do you know.” They waited for her to continue. She didn't. Apparently that was what she wanted to say. 	After realizing [read: Twilight telling her that...] Luna had insulted her intelligence, Rainbow Dash went in for an aerial kick. Luna blocked it with her night-time magic, a pulse of energy knocking Rainbow back to the ground, right next to the shattered window-shards. It was a Health and Safety nightmare.
Luna laughed, “As I'm sure even you worked out, Rainbow Dash, It was I who made your journey here today so difficult. I brought those trees to life [… well, to face] and manifested those Secret Agent ponies... I've been following you every step of the way!”
Twilight saw her opportunity and magicked the stone orbs towards her and her friends. One orb landed at the foot of each pony [and wolf]. She shouted, “All right girls! Let's do this!”
Each pony concentrated super hard. Luna watched on, helplessly, as groans and grunts were emitted from each of them. She didn't really know what to do but was getting really tired of all this.
“Look,” she said, annoyed now, “Stop that! You're going to give yourselves a hernia!”
They didn't stop. She decided to intervene. She zapped Fluttershy with a bolt of magic and the yellow wolf turned back into a yellow pony- it looked super unpleasant. “There!” Luna said, “Your yellow friend is doomed to remain a pony for the rest of her mortal life!”
The ponies stopped. Luna was pleased. Twilight wasn't. In fact, Twilight was livid. “You fuckin' wot mate?” she said in an eerily calm voice. Before Luna could answer, Twilight was enveloped in a retina-destroying aura of screen-glare. She floated up to the same altitude as the Princestral Dictator. Her voice boomed out, “What did Fluttershy ever do to you? Why did you have to destroy her dream? All she ever wanted was to be the wolf she truly felt like.”
Her the other five friends joined the light-display. They put in a real effort. It was impressive. The orbs glowed white-hot and morphed dramatically into necklaces. Twilight got a tiara, though. Each Element of Frends found its way to its respective owner.
Luna was worried, “Erm... I was only joking... I didn't actually curse her... err... guys?”
Twilight continued, “I used to wonder what friendship could be; Until these five shared its magic with me.”

She listed, pointing to each parenthesised pony in turn:

“Kindness” (Fluttershy),
“Generosity” (Rarity),
“Loyalty” (Rainbow Dash),
“Honesty” (Applejack),
“and [most important of all] Laughter” (Pinkie Pie).

She went on, “And I'm the element of Magic. That's right: Magic. Because you can't spell Friendship without Magic. Not that you'd know, Luna- you can't spell at all. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that Friendship is Magic!”

A mushroom-cloud of pure white light galloped across the whole of Equestria, turning the Gloaming, momentarily, into the nicest of Summer Days. After a few seconds, the sky faded back into Twilight [the light-level, not the pony].

Twilight [the pony, not the light-level] fell to the ground, along with her friends. They were still wearing their pilfered jewelleries. Luna was sat on the circular plinth looking quite sorry for herself. She'd been comprehensively defeated. Twilight felt sorry for her and walked over to offer the proper condolences and GGs. Luna smiled weakly.
“Well, I guess we won,” said Twilight.
“Yeah,” said the no-longer-dictatorial-but-probably-still-princestral Luna, “I guess you did. I'm sorry for pretending to curse your Fluttershy. I promise it's reversible... or re-do-able... whatever she did to herself...”
“That's ok,” said Twilight, “I forgive you.” The five friends were getting to their feet, happy to be alive.
“Erm... there's just... one thing... I ...” Luna was stuttering. She'd started to blush slightly.
Without pausing to let her finish, Twilight leaned forward and they locked lips. The other ponies watched in horror at what was happening. Twilight smiled wryly, “I knew you had a thing for me.” Luna didn't have a chance to respond before a herald of trumpets [from somewhere or other- possibly from Pinkie] heralded the arrival of Princess Celestia. She fell in through the skylight, badly winding herself.
Rainbow Dash helped Princess Celestia to her feet. Princess Celestia helped herself to a bag of potato chips she'd brought with her. She addressed the room at large:
“My vertically-challenged horses. Today you've saved my wonderful dictatorship of the Sun from my evil, but inept, sister of the Moon.” she said, spraying particles of potato-snack over the awed audience, “Err... cheers for that.”
The ponies replied, unceremoniously, with their “You're welcome”s and their “No problem”s.
Celestia addressed her sister, “And as for you. I like the cut of your jib. You can be Co-Dictator. Together, we will rule once more as an unholy duality of Moon and Sun. That will be all.”
“Princess,” said Twilight, “What do we do with the Elements of Frends?”
“I think you should hang onto them,” Luna answered, “Honestly, I wouldn't leave my toilet paper with Celestia. She's really not to be trusted.”
“Fair enough,” said Twilight, “I'm going home. I need a cigarette and a coffee and a bed and a newspaper or something.”
“Cool,” said Luna, “I'll... I'll call you about a date... if you feel like it?”
“Sure thing, toots,” Twilight replied, winking. The blushing Luna flew up to join Princess Celestia. They both headed towards the skylight but, before they flew off, Celestia turned back to Twilight.
“Say, This 'Friendship' thing isn't half bad. Twilight, I want you to write me something nice about it to read every weekend. A report of sorts. Lord knows I could do with some more warm 'n fuzzies in my life.” said the Princess to Twilight Sparkle, who replied, “Aye aye, Captain!”

At that, the two Princesses... Princessi? The two Princi flew off into the sunset. Applejack walked up and put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder.
“You know, she's probably going to read those reports on the John,” she informed the purple pony.
Twilight laughed, “Yeah, I know. I'm just surprised she can actually read. Anyway, let's go home; I've got a date to prepare for.”