The crowd cheered and applauded as Jon slowly made his way to the center of the stage with a spot light following his every move. To stall for time and set the mood a bit he stopped and pretended to walk forward only to quickly hop backwards, throwing off the pony handling the spot light.
The crowd found his pre-performance antics amusing but at the same time Jon wanted to get this over with. It took him only a few seconds to reach the microphone but to him it felt like an eternity.
His mind was filled with thoughts about what he should or should not say. He'd performed live standup before but in those cases he always knew the layout well enough to structure his routine accordingly...he may have been to Equestria a few times but he had no idea how they would react to some of his jokes.
Taking the microphone off its stand he took a deep breath and was about to say something when he froze for a second. He didn't know what to say, he thought of about a couple dozen jokes that were good for openers but nearly all of them would fall flat for a pony audience. Comedy came naturally to him but this time he was seriously out of his element.
In his career he'd performed his comedy from all walks of life. From the dankly clubs of the lower East side to grand halls of the Presidential correspondence dinner in Washington; but nothing in his life leading up to tonight could have prepared him for this.
The stage the brightly lit which made the audience hard to make out but he could still clearly see the booth that he had left not too long ago. All eyes were on him but the one that Jon cared most about what his wife’s. Looking across the room he saw Tracey give him a smile and thumbs up; it was all he needed to get over his momentary stage fright.
"Hey everyone thanks so much for having here today. As you all know I was given the chance to do a comedy bit for you guys and I can't even began to explain how honored I am for the opportunity." Jon said as he tried his best to look at every pony in the audience by doing a sweep from right to left. "I apologize if this turns out to be a bit short, I didn’t have much time to prepare…but hey It's great to see the faces of such a great looking audience…and for those of you who are sitting behind the giant Celestia looking statue weeeell...better luck next year."
The crowd chuckled at his opener; even those who were unfortunate enough to be seated out of view were able to hear him alright thanks to the design of the building which carried his voice to all corners of the restaurant.
"Although I'll be honest with you folks I'm a little bit nervous right now," Jon admitted. "Not because of all the mythical creatures with other worldly powers flying around...no, no, I got over that months ago...it's because this is my first time performing standup here in Equestria so you'll forgive me if I sound uneasy."
Jon looked forward at countless pairs of eyes glaring at him waiting to see where he was going with this.
"You know back home in the human world we have a saying," he continued. "It goes something along the lines of: 'If you're nervous on stage just imagine the audience naked'...that rule doesn't really apply here in Equestria now does it?"
Again the crowd responded. This time not with a slight chuckle but full on laughter, as Jon made sweepings motions at the elegant interior
"Seriously I mean...half of you guys aren't wearing any clothes at all and I still feel under dressed in this place," he explained. "I guess that's what you get for performing in such a nice restaurant...speaking of nice places...I'm glad I got to do this here...here in the great city of Canterlot. In many ways it reminds me of New York so I do feel at home here."
Jon was never too fond of getting a rise out of the audience by name dropping their city but with such limited material at his disposal he wasn't too picky.
"I mean where else was I going to perform? Ponyville? Not that one horse town." Jon said in a joking tone. To his surprise his somewhat mean spirited comment was met with laughter yet again. "No, no I'm just kidding it's a fine place...of all the times I've been uh, here to Equestria I've visited Ponyville the most."
Now more in the swing of things Jon strolled casually across the stage, dragging with him the length of wire that was connected his microphone.
"Overall I believe I've visited your world a total of five times now...If I make it to ten I believe I get a free sundae." He joked, which got a quick chuckle from the audience. He hated to have to rehash a joke form his show but he was desperate.
"Now…other than today I've only been in Canterlot once and, in the short amount of time I’ve spent here, I’ve already met some real colorful characters." Jon said scratching his nose. "I think my favorite thus far is the esteemed Fancy Pants and his girlfriend Fleur de Lis."
The stage light which hovered over him didn’t find its way to the two poines sitting down since everyone present already knew who they were.
"Now I understand that names in this world are different...hell sometimes I don't know if I'm reading a list of names or someone's grocery list." He continued. "Admittedly we humans aren’t that much better. I mean we're the people who went and named someone 'Bear Grylls.'
Had Jon been blessed with the ability to see into people’s minds he would have seen a lot of imagery of a bear grilling some food from the audience.
"But having said that I just gotta say...Fancy Pants?" Jon said with some emphasis in his last name. "...You know what no...too easy."
The crowd, many of whom were acquaintances of Fancy Pants, chucked at their friend being hazed by the renowned comic.
"And then there's Fleur de Lis," Jon said quickly seizing everyone's attention including the pony he was about to make fun of. "Geez, and I though having Big Mac on my show would be a bad idea...this woman makes him look like a motor mouth by comparison."
Insult comedy was always gold but since the circle of ponies he knew was not very proportional in terms of whom these Canterlot ponies knew he decided to move on.
"Also for those of you who don't know who I am, my name is Jon Stewart and I run a show on TV called 'The Daily Show,' on Comedy Central" he said. In response he got a quick applause from those who had heard of it, which came from almost everyone present. "But as you can plainly see I don't just do sketches on TV. When I first started off I did standup from place to place trying to get my bearings and I did alright. I remember years ago one of my first big breaks was when I was a finalist in a race to see who would replace David Letterman after he left NBC in 1993. But in the end I lost to Conan O'Brien."
As expected Jon got looks of confusion from the audience. In Equestria only a very select few television programs actually get broadcasted from the human world. Aside from his own the ponies in attendance didn't recognize a single name drop...it was exactly what Jon was hoping for.
"Some people say my losing to Conan has made me bitter over the years but I'm here to tell you that's not the case; I couldn't be more happy for him...but having said that," Jon said, pausing for the some of the ponies to stop giggling. "I'd like to...try something. Now then really quickly could I get a quick show of hooves...who here knows who Conan O'Brien is?
Not a single pony raised their hoof.
"Interesting..." he said. "Now then...who here, prior to my introduction, has ever heard of me?"
Unsurprisingly almost every pony raised their hoof.
"Let's make this easier," he continued. "Has anyone here ever watched an episode of 'Late night,' 'The tonight show,' or a show called, 'Conan?'
As before the only reaction was confused looks, as well as the occasional laughter from ponies who knew where he was going with this experiment.
"Aaaand who here has ever watched an episode of 'The Daily Show?'" He asked, getting expected results.
"Yeah...I thought so." Jon said in a blunt tone. "Suck it O'Brien!"
His little experiment was met with laughter from everyone present to hear it. Experience had taught Jon that having the audience participate was always good for getting them to warm up to you.
Ever since Jon's popularity skyrocketed when he took over 'the Daily Show' he'd gotten the opportunity to speak in front of people who would be deemed as high society. He sometimes hosted awards shows and gotten the chance to go to dinner parties where he'd get to make an after dinner speech, if necessary. In his experience rich people all had the same laugh; effortless and subtle like raising your voice was a social faux pas. The ponies in attendance weren't any different.
"...You know...another reason why it's such an honor to be here tonight is because while it's true I was born in New York I grew up in New Jersey, which isn't exactly known to be a...fancy place." He said walking towards the front of the stage. "But enough about me I'm always interested in hearing about other people's walks of life...you there sir where you from?"
Taking a step forward Jon pointed his microphone towards a grey and black stallion in the front of the audience. He looked all around him before answering on the off chance that Jon was talking with someone else.
"Uh...East Canterlot." He said.
"Oh a home town hero, huh? That's great!" Jon said, turning his attention yet again. "How bout you Miss?"
This time Jon went to his left and motioned to a pink and green Unicorn who was gossiping with her female friends.
"P-ponyville." She said sheepishly.
"Ponyville? You’re a bit far away from home but hey, nice place, nice place." Jon said now taking a few steps to his right. "And you sir where do you hail from?"
Jon now pointed his microphone at a light blue and orange Unicorn sitting with a mare that looked to be much younger than him.
"I'm from Baltimare?" The heavy set pony said.
"Say again?" Jon asked.
"Baltimare!" He reiterated in a louder voice.
"Oh Baltimare!" Jon said in a comforting voice. "I'm so sorry to hear."
The crowd laughed at the Unicorn's expense but he clapped his hooves in good spirits to show no ill will.
"You know I've only been to a small amount of places here in Equestria and almost every time I think I've gotten the same question over and over again: 'Does the human world have any poines?' For those of you wondering here tonight the answer is yes, yes we do…but they don't talk, have wings, or use magic." Jon explained to a now intrigued crowd. "So mute Earthponies...we have mute Earthponies."
The crowd laughed while Jon took a sip of the water that was left on stage for him.
"The opposite is true for my world too. A lot of my friends wonder if there are humans here in Equestria to which I respond 'no' there are not. As a matter a fact I'm the first human ever to set foot...foot not hoof...in your guys' world...and actually as of tonight I'm actually one of two humans ever because this time I actually brought my wife with me! The lovely Tracey McShane. Say 'hi' honey." Jon said as he waved to his wife. The spot light that was previously on him swung over to the center of the restaurant and onto Tracey who nervously waved back. "Yeah that's my wife...so, just to recap: fifth time here, and I brought my mate with me. So I think if we have a kid here that would technically classify me as an invasive species."
The audience didn't see the punch line coming since they thought he was just merely introducing his wife. The results were immense laughter from all who heard it.
"Another question I get from fans from both here and back at home is one I find most interesting...they’ll sometimes ask me: 'If you were to be any type of pony which would you be?'" He said pausing to let the question sink into the heads of the audience. "And to be honest considering everything I think I'd be an Earthpony...not because I'm hard working, physically strong, or dependable...but because I think that’s the kind of bad luck I’d have."
The crowd chuckled once again while Jon tried desperately to explain himself.
"I mean don't get me wrong! I love Earthponies! Some of my best friends are in fact Earthponies but the thing is I have a theory..." He explained. "...I have a theory that goes like this...If you are a Unicorn or a Pegasus you could having the worst day of your life...wife leaves you, bank forecloses on your house, your pet dog runs away, but…you can look in a mirror and say to yourself: 'At least I can fly' or 'at least I can use magic."
As the crowd laughed Jon looked over at Gustave who was watching him from backstage. He looked nervous like Jon might say something that could get him in trouble. Jon felt uneasy as well as he was quickly running out of material and needed to think of a swift but memorable way to end his performance.
"Now then it would seem I'm almost out of time so I should probably wrap things up here...I know, I know, it's a disappointing but I have a busy schedule to keep back in my world." Jon explained. "You see back home we finished an election not too long ago and I get to make fun of the resulting backlash of it all...oh yeah that's right where I come from we elect our leaders."
Jon said making a quick motion to the Celestia statue.
"Yeah our guy is a human called Barack Hussein Obama...and I'm all but certain none of you are aware of odd that sounds...you see in my country of America we had an enemy for the longest time and his name was in fact Saddam Hussein," he explained while the pony audience looked on with interest. "So as you could imagine when our leader first arrived on the international stage he got some odd reactions regarding his middle name. Lord knows the Equestrian equivalent here would be if your leader was called 'Celes- Discord God of Chaos- Tia.'"
Half the crowd laughed while others looked somewhat nervous at the mention of Celestia’s name. Jon caught on to this and decided to exploit it a bit for his closer.
"Now...now I promised myself that I wouldn't make any Celestia jokes here today. Not just because she’s a good friend of mine but because I want to live to see another day" he continued. "I mean why risk it? I'm one bad joke away from plunging this place into eternal darkness...but...having said that I think I would regret it if I left today without telling at least one joke about my favorite Alicorn who, by the way, is responsible for me doing this tonight."
The crowd looked almost afraid at what Jon was talking about. Both Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis looked over at Stacey who was now slapping her hand against her face as if to say "oh no."
“Now there are so many lovely things about her I can make fun of like how she’s much larger than all of you guys but a fat joke would be too easy.” Jon said, his words flowing from his mouth like a rattle snake. “Then there’s her hair…there’s a gay joke in there somewhere but again…too easy… no, before I go I'd to...tell one last final joke if I may. Not a funny anecdote or witty criticism but just a regular…joke.”
Many of the audience members looked uneasy about what Jon was proposing, but at the same time underneath they’re curiosity allowed him to continue.
"So...an Earthpony diplomat and a Pegasus diplomat are getting the grand tour of Canterlot Castle," Jon said. Upon hearing the set up Tracey poured herself a new glass of wine. "They’re being escorted by a royal guard and along the way the two diplomats see a Unicorn in a room and he’s...oh what's the term you people have over here...OH RIGHT! They catch a Unicorn 'clopping' in a room by himself."
A few ponies in the audience gasped in horror while others did a literal spit take. Before going on he took one last sip of his water. At the exact same time Tracey was doing the same with her glass of wine.
"The two diplomats are outraged and demand to know why such an act is being permitted in the royal Castle...the guard explains that the Unicorn has a medical problem and that if he doesn't clop at least 10 times a day he will die." Jon explained. "The diplomats reluctantly agree and move on with the tour...a few doors down and they see the same thing only this time it's Princess Celestia herself and she's providing oral sex on a stallion."
Not a single pony made a sound. Jon looked ahead at a sea of cultured ponies, every last single one of them looked at Jon with mouths agape. Gustave was still backstage but now he had fainted. Back at Jon's booth his two Unicorn acquaintances had the same look of surprise while Tracey tried her best not to laugh. She'd had heard countless variations of this joke before and she knew exactly how it ended.
"Again the two diplomats demand to know the meaning of this is." Jon said, pausing for dramatic effect. "The royal guard turned to them both and answered by saying, 'Same disability; better health coverage.'"
At first there was no sound which scared Jon but soon like a chain reaction a few ponies began to laugh. It quickly spread for soon the initial shock of hearing the punch line melted away leaving only much amusement in its wake. The entire restaurant found themselves in a state of historical laughter with half of them doing so without shame while the other half tried not to laugh, as if doing so what punishable by law.
"I'll never forget this night for as long as I live!" Jon yelled over the crowd. "Have a wonderful night and drive safely!"
Putting the microphone back on its stand Jon Quickly exited the stage to his left to the sound of countless ponies stomping the ground in applause. While he made his exit he waved back at them feeling good about his performance.
Stepping over Gustave's unconscious body Jon quickly made his way to the back and into the hallway which eventually lead to the center of the restaurant. He just wanted to be with his wife and continue his date.
Had Jon left the stage sooner he might’ve bumped into Octavia who, unbeknownst to Jon, stayed behind to watch him work the stage. But by the time Jon entered the hallway she had already left through the backdoor to go home.
Along the way he noticed that he hadn't spontaneously combusted or gotten turned into a frog so if Celestia was watching he at least knew she could take a joke....but no one, not even Jon himself knew that his raunchy humor was only the beginning of his revenge on Celestia.