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// The Story Where Twilight Sparkle Bashes Her Face Against the Edge of the Universe in Frustration… A. K. A. What the Heck 2 
// Story: What the Heck 
// by Zytharros 
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In the darkness, a sound was made. This sound caused the creation of life and time and space. For the purpose of this story, whether you believe it to be God’s voice or not is inconsequential. If you posed the question to God, however, He would find it insulting, humorous, or sad. Over time, things were born, ate, took craps, busied themselves with bullstar, and died. This cycle continued ad infinitum for many years. Once again, for the purpose of this story, whether you believe it to be thousands, millions, billions, trillions, or even just hundreds of years is inconsequential. We’re not dealing with the beginning of time in any great length of detail. Somewhere in this gibberish, I was born, ate, took craps, busied myself with bullstar, and died. However, this isn’t a dissertation on my life, nor is it on how I died. In fact, this story has little to do with me at all, except for the following.  So one day I went to write a story. Let me describe the story I wrote.

It was a story about a pony. This pony was female. She had a yellow coat and a mane as orange as living flame. This pony, the embodiment of living fire, was. She existed, dammit. I have proof. I fucking have proof, okay? She’s not a character in a cartoon show. She is a bloody real horse who crashed through my window at six billion miles per second, landing with the grace of an angel on my bed… if having the “grace of an angel” is ploughing into and destroying the mattress and box spring in one fell swoop.

I didn’t actually see her blow up my bed. My wife, baby, and I were busying ourselves within the pristineness of the worlds within the Nintendo Wii U game console, drenched in ocean water and flying around on a boat while swinging a sword glowing with the mystic powers of the Triforce and killing the King of Red Lions with the force of a billion bazookas. We were awakened from our drool-faced stupors by a nuclear blast the size of Missouri going off in our bedroom.

Coincidentally, the universe collapsed in on itself and we were sucked into the vortex.


When we came to, we were lying in the middle of a field with boxes for eyes and coloured bottles floating around like squids in the summer breeze. Immediately, an overwhelming thirst took over our minds. I cracked one open and chugged the vicarious gray liquid within. My wife and baby both ingested bottles of lethargic purple and diseased yellow, respectively, and then we began exploring. I forgot to state that we had entered into a dead wasteland filled with bright and colourful haze – a dichotomy that would soon become as normal to us as the flock of non-existent parasprites that began to whirlwind their way against an orange, grassy plain. Suddenly, we all collapsed to the floor and gave a very painless, bloodless birth to three fillies – ponies I identified as Trashy Derp, Gothic Sparkle, and Zombieshy. How Big Macintime suddenly appeared out of the womb of the world, we don’t know, but he was there, too.  So my wife, Rosebud, me, and my daughter Firefly, along with Big Macintime, Trashy Derp, Gothic Sparkle, and Zombieshy, continued exploring.

As we were walking, a plot hole opened up in front of us. My wife, kid, and I fell into it, away from the scene, leaving Trashy Derp, Gothic Sparkle, and Zombieshy wandering alone with Big Macintime. They didn’t even know we were gone.

Such is how this story begins.

Or, at least, that’s how it would have begun, if the universe decided to buck the laws it fell under in the face forty-two times, which caused a slight breeze that warped infinity and contained it to a period of two-point-two seconds situated slightly to the left of where it was supposed to be.

Thus, giving birth to an amalgamation of all six ponies we bronies colloquially call the Mane Six.

This pony was an alicorn, made from the collective hubris of all things Harmony – Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter, and Magic coalesced perfectly into a singular being. This alicorn would have been celebrated as a goddess in the Equestria we all know and love, a beautiful specimen that even Luna and Celestia would be enthralled by her wisdom and wooed by her grace. Never mind that our friendly neighbourhood mana conduits would not exist if she did. She held all the elements in the frog of her hoof, so she would be all you need and so much more.

Unfortunately for her, Buy ‘n Large was born into a world where Harmony was not only shunned, but openly mocked.

This Equestria had a reputation of being the most savage and competitive nation on the planet. Its acidic nature meant that civil wars and violence were commonplace, and its ruler, known only as Sol, was wary and acutely aware of any threats made to Her power. Let me stop and give a description of this mare. Sol was a blazing inferno, ruling high with the power of the sun at her disposal. She was beyond a tyrant, a pony so full of spit and vitriol that her sister, the kind and benevolent Luna, was banished, imprisoned in the place to which she had been banished, and then banished from there along with the whole country, and finally imprisoned within the Moon itself just for saying hello in the wrong tone in midafternoon on a Tuesday at 3:02 PM as Sol was having her midafternoon tea two hundred thousand years ago, when she was still referred to as Tyrantlestia.

Nopony questioned Sol. ever. after that.

She became a tyrant after her beloved protégé Twilight Sparkle died of a rare and agonizing alicorn-only disease of which there was not only no cure, but any attempt made to find one just resulted in greater pain and agony for the inflicted. Celestia, in her haste to find a cure for her lover, was consciously unaware of the pain she was causing to her student, and wound up killing her with her own hooves in her bid to cure her. She grew darker and more nightmarish and began to openly oppose Harmony, even obliterating the Tree of Harmony, Discord, and all of Twilight’s friends-turned-alicorns in one deadly afternoon of crazed hunting that turned Equestria into the land of acid and doom that existed today.

But this isn’t that story, either.

This is a tale of how Big Macintime and Harmony came together in one beautiful, blissful evening of gorgeous, passionate lovema-

Oh! That was the buzzer. It’s time for lunch.

I think I’ll have soup.