I appeared on the sidewalk opposite to the hated house, the sun had just gone down and the last pink and purple hues of twilight were fading into the dark blue of night.
I had chosen a form that I knew wouldn’t attract too much attention: that of a rather tall man with frizzy red hair, a hooked nose, long fingers and bushy eyebrows that were the same color as my hair, I sniffed deeply, inhaling the scent of night, all around me I could hear crickets chirping and dogs barking from their houses.
It would almost be calming and serene if there weren’t innocent creatures suffering behind those closed doors, the very thought made me hiss through my teeth, which, even as a human, were still a bit too long and pointy.
Placing my slender hands inside the pockets of my super-intimidating longcoat I strolled across the road, passing a dead chicken as I did (Humans and their fucking chickens, I swear.) before coming to a stop on the lawn of the family who owned the Fluffy Pony that I had talked to.
I had looked at the family’s daily lives in the hopes that only the Father was a total douche-wizzle, I was wrong, of course: the Mother was a woman who made up for her lack of brainpower and morals with undulating piles of body fat, the Daughter was so bratty and sadistic she made Princess Morbucks look like Anne of Green Gables and the Son was…. the Son was just a total, callous dumbass who never stopped playing some military game where you shoot racial stereotypes, he also had a BB gun and loved to use it on the poor fluffball.
The fluffball in question was named “Maybelle”, she was the family pet, though I use the term “Pet” very loosely, the better term would probably be “thing that you torture horribly for extended periods of time.”
So, in short, my conscience was clear.
I sighed and strode up to the door and knocked, after a minute of waiting the son opened the door, I winced at the heavy stink of BO and Energy Drink brand energy drink that wafted from his grubby pores, the scrawny runt eyed me with disdain, “Wadda you want?” he asked in a voice that sounded not unlike a caveman…. or a lobotomized chimp.
“Hello, my name’s Ratatosk and I’m here to-”
I was interrupted by the son bursting into wheezing laughter, “*Hork*, yer name’s Ratatat? *Skronk*, that’s sooo dumb! That’s dumb with a capital B!”
I smiled at him, showing off my pointy teeth in the hopes that he’d shut his hick mouth, he did and I continued.
“I’m from the Fluffle Welfare League and I would like to talk to an adult about your Pony’s health. May I come in?” I asked in my sweetest voice, the son nodded dumbly ( is there any other way for a dumb person to nod?) and stepped aside to allow me in.
I crossed the threshold and was immediately assaulted by the stench of cigarette smoke and microwave dinners, the son walked up to his room, leaving me to close the door… and lock it tightly.
I walked into the living room, avoiding the empty beer cans and legos, the father was slumped in a ratty recliner while the mother took up an entire couch, she looked like some kind of greasy, living popover, when I made my presence known the father jerked awake with a snort and the mother turned her piggy eyes away from her TV to look at me with the kind of stupid curiosity that animals get when they see something shiny.
“Who th’ hell are you?” the father asked, trying and failing to look intimidating.
“My name is Ratatosk and I’m part of the Fluffle Welfare League, I’m here to check up on your pet to see if she’s healthy.” I said, smiling widely.
The father snorted, “Why the fuck d’you care? Maybelle’s just a dumb beast.”
I cocked an eyebrow and tried to refrain from saying something untoward.
The Father continued, “ I mean, she don’t complain very much, she’s house trained, though that took some serious work, took me forever to learn her. Would ya believe I broke two a’ my learnin’ sticks over her?”
It was then that I heard a sound from behind me, I spun around and saw Maybelle looking at me with wide eyes, “Mistuh Sqwiwwel?” she mouthed. I winked at her and she smiled happily.
The Father noticed the fluffy equine and growled like a rabid dog, the smile dropped and Maybelle began to shiver again, the Father pointed at her and beckoned her in, she obeyed the command and came in, I noticed the limp right away, when I inquired as to why she was limping the father shrugged.
“I dunno. maybe Bobby took a few shots at her with his gun.” he said with a fond smile, “ That little guy’s always gettin’ inta shenanigans.”
I nodded, trying to keep myself from turning him into a heap of bird poop.
“It wasn’t Bobby” said a shrill little girl’s voice, “It was me, Maybutt tried to eat some of my toast, so I slammed her leg in the door.”, it made me sick to hear the smug assurance in her voice and to see both parents giving her approving looks; the Father looked downright proud to have a little Anne Wilkes for a daughter.
“Who’s this?” asked the brat, eying me with disdain.
“This guy? Oh, he’d just some schlub from some namby-pamby Pony Welfare League. Got a dumbass name, too.”
Just. A. Little. Longer. I thought, feeling the sweat start to bead on my brow.
“Oh really? What is it, huh, Huh, HUH??!” asked the brat, growing more and more loud with each passing nanosecond, her voice was grating enough to make me feel like my eardrums were being slowly flayed with a potato peeler, “ I-it’s Ratatosk.” I said weakly.
The girl snorted and then went to take a seat on the floor next to the TV, I looked over and saw that it was playing Honey Boo-Boo. I just barely managed to keep myself from sending them all into the sun right then and there, but only just.
The Mother chortled wetly when one of the “people” in the show farted, then she shifted back to me, the sound of her sweaty body fat scraping across the faux-leather made me want to puke, “ D’you like TV?” she asked in a sickly sweet voice, I raised a bushy brow and nodded, she smiled, showing blocky yellow teeth that were covered in her last meal; I think it might have been pizza.
“Would you mind if I talked to Bobby?” I asked, deciding to get the show on the road.
The Father cocked his head, “Why?” he queried, I shrugged and put on my best and least intimidating smile, “I just need to know what kinds of things you feed Maybelle and our census indicates that most teenaged sons are the ones who feed the Fluffles, I’d also like to ask him what else he does to take care of Maybelle.”
The Father scoffed, “ Like what? Give ‘er baths, play catch with her and all that other shit? She’s just a friggin’ dumb animal.”
“Oh, they ain’t dumb, it’s just fun ta make ‘em squeal.” said Bobby from behind me as he entered.
“Yeah.” said the daughter with a high-pitched giggle, “Hey dad, remember when I put one of her little babies in the microwave?”
The whole family burst into a cacophony of cruel laughter just as Bobby moved to the center of the room, I smiled slightly as I cast the containment spell around the perimeter of the living room.
The laughter died down after a few more minutes, Bobby had taken a seat next to the TV and was now thoroughly engrossed in the latest, repetitive episode of The Walking Dead, Maybelle was standing outside, pawing at the line where the spell had been placed, Of course a pony would be able to sense magic, they’re practically made of the stuff and I have a feeling that a Fluffy Pony might have a bit more magic than the usual earth pony, pegasi and unicorn breeds, I wonder how powerful she’d be if she had a horn? Ahh… nevermind, I need to concentrate on the task at hand.
“What’s Maybelle doin’?” asked Bobby.
I smiled innocently, “Oh… nothing, nothing at all.”
Bobby rolled his eyes and looked back at the screen, the Father leaned forwards to get a better look at the boring crap happening on the show, the only one who was still looking at me was the Daughter, who was giving me an I-Don’t-Trust-You-And-I-Don’t-Know-Why look. She kept staring and staring and staring until….
“Don’t you wanna ask Bobby what he feeds Maybelle?” she asked, her tone carrying a bossy smugness, like she had just solved a mystery and was now putting me on the spot.
I smiled calmly and said as loudly as I could, “Oh no no, I just needed you all in the same space, my dear little bratling.”
There was dead silence as each family member turned their beady eyes on me and my big, happy smile, which was now showing far more fangs now that I had partially dropped my glamour.
The family let out a collective yelp and scrambled backwards, I got a kick out of the father tipping his chair over in his haste to get away while he was still in the chair, the Mother was so fat that she could only scot backwards a few inches and the two little gremlins tried to use each other as a shield.
And now it was time to… take care of buisness ( que sunglasses.)
“Ah, I see that I have your attention.” I said coldly, the Father started to speak up, but I fused his lips and jaw together, turning his mouth into a blobby mass, “Hush now, I’m talking. Now I suppose you’re wondering what the hell I am: My name really IS Ratatosk, but I don’t work for the Fluffy Pony Health Coalition or whatever I called it, that was just a lie to get you to open up your door to me.”
I stepped closer to the trembling family, “Y’see, there are other worlds out there, countless numbers of them, all with their own little universes and planets and other shit like that and there are those who watch these worlds like very big and very powerful hawks, hawks ready to swoop down at a moment's notice.”
“That is what I am, a hawk, and right now? You’re the helpless, little field mice who are about to get a gut full of beak and talon.”
“B-but wh-why?” asked the Mother.
“Because you’re all sadists who torture sentient creatures for fun.” I said simply.
Bobby raised a hand, sighing I pointed to him and he said simply, “What does ‘sentient’ mean?”
“It means that all of the Fluffy Ponies are intelligent they have thoughts and feelings, they have souls and desires and fears just like you and me, Of course, you don’t give a damn, you knew that they were smart and you hurt them anyway, so now I’m gonna take care of business and give you the punishments that you all rightfully deserve.”
Just as soon as I finished the tirade against the little meatbags the Father jumped up and came at me like a very smelly locomotive and, as with all locomotives, I stopped him by tripping him (Locomotives are the large, steam-powered robots, right?).
The Father got up and tried again, this time I caught him ‘round the throat and threw him into the nearby wall, after making sure that he wasn’t dead I turned to the Mother.
“Do you like TV?” I asked with a smile, then I snapped my fingers and the Mother’s bloated, Baron Harkonnen-like body dissolved into a stream of static that was sucked into the TV like lint through a vacuum, I watched as the TV flickered as the Mother’s massive body was restructured within the world on the screen.
Which was still The Walking Dead.
Another second passed the Mother was fully materialized, in the center of some ruined city, the gritty breeze ruffled her lank hair and stained blouse, the sky was clouded with brown ash and, not to far from where she was situated, the moans of the ravenous dead echoed throughout the ruined cityscape.
The second that she heard the noise her piggy eyes widened and she turned just in time to see a few ragged, rotten zombies shamble around a corner, the second they saw her their red eyes widened and their mouths began to slaver; I bet they were thinking about how many leftovers they’d have.
The Mother took one look at the living corpses and ran as fast as her stubby, little legs could go, which wasn’t very far.
I smiled smugly and turned to the Father, who was trying to load his gun, I snapped my fingers and the gun fell to the floor as the Father’s body went rigid, I walked up to him and looked him dead in the eye, “I hope you know how to swim, because I’m about to turn you into a fish.”, then I snapped my fingers and turned him into a lamprey, “Well…. I think lamprey’s are fish, but it’s the only animal that seemed to suit you. Have fun going up people’s pee streams in the Amazon, you abysmal, abominable anti-climax.”, then I tore open a wormhole and dropped him in.
I sighed in contentment and cracked my knuckles, the sound of a gun cocking made me pause in mid-crack, I turned and saw Bobby pointing his dad’s gun at me, “Don’t move motherfucker!” he shouted, “I’ve played every single Trumpet of Honor game ever and I’ve pwned newbs like a boss in every one of them, so don’t think that I won’t headshot your ass!!”
I could only stare at him in confounded silence, when a full minute had passed my body caught up with my mind and I facepalmed before saying, “Are you real?”
I got my definitive answer when he blew half of my face off.
Of course, being a cosmic entity, I healed in a jiffy, but it still hurt…. and the little bastard HAD got a headshot!
With a growl I realigned my spine and regenerated the part of my face that was missing, then I stalked over to him, grabbed the gun out of his hands, disassembled it and tossed the pieces to the floor, then I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, opened a portal to a world that I thought best suited him, knocked him out with a karate chop to the noggin and chucked him in.
In a few hours he was going to wake up in an alternate Equestria where the Everfree took over and turned the whole place into a wasteland of monsters with pun-based names like Timber Wolves and Cragadiles. I gave him his gun back and I even reassembled it for him, but I didn’t give him anything else, who knows, maybe a few months of surviving in a monster-filled world will sort him out; like a really dangerous bootcamp.
That left one last family member.
I turned to the Daughter and looked her dead in the eyes, noticing the lack of fear in them, “Well you seem pretty damned calm.” I said, she smirked, “Of course, I know that you won’t hurt me, wanna know why? Because I’m a little girl and you can’t-”
I turned her into a pufferfish and placed her in a newly-conjured glass of water.
I sighed happily and turned back to the doorframe, Maybelle had been watching the whole thing with a mixture of awe and fear.
“Umm… Are you okay?” I asked, hoping that she wouldn’t scream and run away.
“Are they gonna be awwright?” she asked.
I shrugged, “I’m not to sure, but I’ll retrieve them and turn them back after, oh… two months?”
Maybelle’s puffy brows rose and I blushed sheepishly, Maybelle trotted into the room and got close to me, “Are you weally Mistuh Sqwiwwel?” she asked cautiously, I nodded and undid my glamour, Maybelle sighed in relief and trotted up to me, before I could so much as take another breath she had wrapped me in a big hug. I was glad that I was in my normal form, or else the hug would've only encircled my legs.
Then Maybelle broke off the hug and began to walk to the stairs, my ears drooped in disappointment, ponies always give the best hugs and Maybelle was no different.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Maybelle is checking up on the babehs.” she said simply.
I did a double take, Babies? I thought, I don’t remember ever seeing any babies.
I decided to follow her to see where the family could have possibly put them, I rushed up the stairs and found Maybelle tugging up some loose floorboards, I walked over to her and peered into the newly-revealed hole, what I saw was almost too cute for words: There, laying in a little nest of fluff were three baby Fluffles, their tiny faces were slack with sleep and their itty-bitty limbs were lazily askew.
The only thing that I could think of to say was “Dawwwww!”, Maybelle gave me a prideful look, “I hid babbeh’s hewe so they wowwdn’t get huwt by nasty famiwy. I think I did a good job, too.”
She bent down to retrieve the little ones, but paused and then looked back up at me, “Why did I say ‘I’?”
I smiled, a genuine smile this time, and said, “My magic is affecting you, for the better I might add. Let me tell you a little secret: every single Fluffle born is put under the sway of a powerful intelligence dampening spell to keep them complacent, that’s why most people kill any Fluffle babies born outside of their breeding compounds, now that I’ve arrived, my magic is affecting you and I’m pretty sure that you’ll be getting smarter soon.”
Maybelle looked at me, then she looked at her babies, then back at me.
“B-but… why?” she asked with eyes that were starting to tear up.
“Because I don’t like seeing innocent creatures enslaved…. and you’re really cute, too.” I said, blushing when I realized that I had called her cute aloud.
Maybelle gawked at me and my blush intensified, I opened my mouth to apologize, but I was stopped when Maybelle slammed into me and gave me the tightest hug that I had ever received.
“Thank you…. t-thank you.” she said through her tears, I returned her hug in kind and we stayed like that until the sounds of the babies crying forced us to separate, Maybelle gently lifted each baby out of their hiding spot with her teeth before setting them down and allowing them to crawl around and play.
After a few minutes of silence I finally asked the question which I had wanted to ask ever since I saw her.
“Um… Maybelle? Now that you’re free d’you… d’you wanna come back to my world… with me?”
The Fluffle mother raised her head to me and I braced myself for the coming rejection.
“Sure, as long as I can bring the babies with me I don’t see why not!”
I looked at her smiling face, then down at the babies, then I burst into happy tears. Maybelle pulled me into another hug. which the babies joined, and we stayed like that for a long time.