Twilight Sparkle and Her Friends Play Age of Empires II

by swirlstar

Castle Age

Reaching the Castle Age brought no satisfaction into Twilight’s life, the alicorn merely clenching jaws ever tighter, grinding teeth ever harder. “Come on, Twilight, come on: you can fix this, you can fix this!”

Yet how exactly Twilight planned to ‘fix this’ was very much a mystery. For her mind remained locked in a deadly tailspin, still reeling from Pinkie’s absolute and total idiocy that had allowed Rainbow Dash to take over the Viking lands - that thought alone had Twilight biting down on her bruised lip once again. By the Piece of the True Cross, I am definitely never, ever teaming up with that pony after this…

“Hey Rainbow! Hold down the fort while I send villagers to build stuff in Pinkie’s place!”

The incessant baiting from Applejack wasn’t helping either.

“Grrrrrrrr!” Her Highness took her frustrations out onto the floor, three new hair strays curling out from her mane. By the Holy Sepulcher, I SWEAR I will NEVER EVER team up with Pinkie EVER AGAIN…

“Sure thing, AJ!” Rainbow Dash answered gleefully, her grating voice launching Twilight’s blood pressure into the stratosphere. “Ha ha, I can’t believe Pinkie actually let us take her town without even a fight! With all the extra gold and stuff, we’ll be sure to whip Royal flank now!”

GrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRR!

The whiff of burning keratin was the only warning anypony got.

“Jesus- I mean, Celestia: I’m so, so sorry, Pinkie! I didn’t mean to burn your laptop, I really didn’t, I just…! I’ll repay you double; triple! Oh, I am so unbelievably sorry: it just came out of nowhere and I lost control… Really? You have a spare? Oh, thank Celestia! Sure, sure, we can play a new round… What? You want to continue with the last game, Pinkie? Really? Really really?... Um, ok then… I guess… if that’s what you want. Sorry for what happened earlier…”

Her Highness had never been more grateful for Pinkie Pie’s rigorous savegame policy.

“Hey, Pinkie.” The purple alicorn prodded her ally gently. “I’m at Castle now. You need any help getting there?”

“Oh no: the deer you let me hunt put me over the edge! Thanks, Twilight!”

Her Highness had also never been more grateful for Pinkie Pie’s carefree, oh-I-don’t-mind-that-you-just-torched-my-laptop policy.

“Don’t mention it, Pinkie. You just keep up with the good work while I figure out a way to get out of this mess- I mean, problem,” the alicorn reassured, eyeing the other end of the table warily. For their part, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were staring resolutely at their screens, careful not to engage in any more psychological warfare.

The whole room lapsed into an uneasy quiet, nothing but the tap-tapping of computer keys punctuating the silence.

Lots of time for Her Highness to review her situation. Sigh, the alicorn thought mirthlessly as she tasked new villagers to farms. Still facing two enemies with one base. If I let AJ and Rainbow build up, eventually they’ll overwhelm us: I need to hit them hard before they’re ready. But how can I do that when the both of them have more units and more resources? After all, the fundamental problem is that I’m still facing two enemies with one base…

Twilight’s spirits sank ever lower with each iteration of this well-trodden cycle. Oh, a good outcome is getting more and more impossible by the minute!

This is hopeless! A sudden frustration gripped the purple alicorn; a split-second later, her cursor hovering over the ‘Resign’ button. I can’t win like this! Nopony has ever won like this! Not even the Byzantines had to deal with something like this!

Wait!

The purple pony’s hoof bounced away from the left mouse button as if repelled by some invisible force. The alicorn frowned. Never a good sign, negotiating with your inner self.

Said inner self pressed on regardless. You’re wrong, Twilight. The Byzantines DID deal with something like this! And you call yourself Equestria’s expert on the Eastern Roman-

“No they didn’t!” Her Highness responded audibly, drawing confused looks from her fellow gamers. “They never had to deal with a major war on two fronts! It never hap- “

The magical pony stopped, her tongue paralyzed by its idiocy.

You stupid pony, the inner voice chastised. Don’t you remember the Byzantine-Sasanian War of 602-628? The one where Herakleios faced down both the Avars in the West and the Persians in the East?

“And the Byzantines won that war as well!” the alicorn realized, heaven itself seemingly opening up in front of her. “So it is possible- “

“Something wrong, sugarcube?” Applejack interrupted, eyeing her mentally-unstable friend with justified suspicion.

In true Roman fashion, Twilight Sparkle had better things to do with her time than to talk to unwashed and barbarian Latins. “Oh, thank Herakleios, thank the Patriarch Sergius, thank the Virgin Mary!” she exclaimed, sweeping away her despair with renewed vigor. “I think I’ve figured this out – I have figured this out!”

Rainbow Dash couldn’t resist pulling Her Highness down a few pegs. “Figured what out, Twilight? You mean, figured out how to give up without looking like a- “

“Pinkie!” Twilight’s voice soared over the snark as the purple pony conjured up a scroll in front of her struggling ally. “Please, help me out: read the scroll, and do exactly what it says!”

“Okey-dokey-lokey!" The party pony didn’t even read what was on the parchment before giving her answer. “The Vikings will do as Her Majesty wills!”

The purple alicorn nodded gratefully as she laid out the foundations for a castle. “We’re back in this game, Pinkie, and we’re back with a vengeance!”

Slowly but surely, the sleeping giant of the Basileia Rhomaion began to stir.

Ponyville’s weathermare could care less about how many sleeping giants were now awakening for the Byzantine Empire. For the pegasus was way ahead of everypony else militarily – her stables were pumping out cavalry archers, five-at-a-time; was Twilight doing that? Yeah, I thought not! – and so there couldn’t possibly be anything that Twilight could do to hurt her.

Might as well give a few more minutes before landing the mercy blow. It was kind of funny, after all, seeing the real-life Twilight wrestle with her certain defeat.

By the way, probably the best time to ask Applejack to pull her own weight in this game, for once: WONDRBOLTS_RULE: more stuff! After all, Rainbow Dash was doing all the work against Twilight and Pinkie Pie: it was Hunnic troops dying on the battlefield, and Hunnic troops that pulled down Pinkie Pie's Town Center!

But no, what came back was another one of her ally’s annoying messages. SAA_IS_BETTER: u shld build more villagers

Rainbow Dash groaned in annoyance. WONDRBOLTS_RULE: how about u wrk hardr instead

Applejack glared at her partner. “It ain’t efficient like that, Rainbow,” she remarked, supervising her new Town Center being built on Pinkie Pie’s land. “Every time I send you stuff, I pay a tax for it.”

“Tax, schmax,” the weatherpony sniggered, confidence radiating from every pore. “It’s worth it just to see my wonderific skills in action!”

The farm pony chafed at the boasting. “I recall me sendin’ those militias for you, Rainbow Dash.”

“Yeah, while trying to ruin what I was doing!” the weathermare reminded pointedly. “Thanks a lot, AJ!”

“Now just wait there a goshdarn minute!” The orange pony, needled, burst out. “I did that because you weren’t pullin’ your weight in this here team! And you still aren’t!”

The cyan pegasus’ face flushed slightly as she scrolled over to her fearsome horde. “I’m sorry, cowgirl? You want to run that by me again?”

“I said you aren’t pullin’ your weight!”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes narrowed. “You want to say that again, Applejack?”

No backing down for the country mare. “I said, you aren’t pulling your- “

Fwhoomp!

The smoke cleared, the mangonel went away, and the Frankish villagers Applejack tasked with building the Town Center were now lying in a pool of their own blood.

“Now do you want to say that again?” the pegasus challenged.

“What the- “ The orange pony shuddered, initial perplexion quickly giving way to anger. “Those were my only villagers there! How dare you… “

The country mare lunged sideways, foreleg outstretched in an attempt to swipe at Rainbow Dash’s keyboard – but the weathermare had readied a quick counter-slap of her own, knocking back Applejack’s hoof in a stinging rebound.

“Ow!” Applejack shrunk back, nursing a throbbing forehoof.

Rainbow smiled triumphant. “Ha! That’ll teach you!”

The cowpony seethed, humiliation and anger compounding to form a perfect storm. “Well that’s it!” she snarled, quickly using another method to get back at her nominal ally. “No more help! You go pay for your own army!”

“Oh yeah?” the pegasus shot back. “Well in that case, don’t expect me to defend you!”

“Fine!” Applejack waved her hoof angrily, opening the diplomatic menu – darn it, locked teams! – “Let’s see you lose against Twilight, then!”

“It’ll be your fault if that happens!”

“Your fault!”

“Your fault!”

“Yours!”

“Yours!”

“Mine!”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash abruptly stopped their petty feud. That last line didn’t come from either of them.

Princess Twilight Sparke peered triumphantly over her own monitor. “Prepare to meet the might of the Varangian Guard, barbarian scum!”

Asmund’s jaw dropped. “You mean… I- I’m supposed to be the Varangian Guard? I’m supposed to be attacking the entire Hunnic Army?”

“Yes! It's going to be you and you alone, Asmund!“ PINKIE exclaimed, trying to mask her doubts with triple the enthusiasm. “Oh, isn’t this just the greatest thing ever! I mean, except for the certain death under the hooves of Queen Rainbow Dash’s cavalry, but still- “

The bearded Norseman dropped to his knees in fervent gratitude. “Oh, thank you, thank you, O Great PINKIE!”

“But I guess if you ran fast enough you could- huh?” the VOICE stopped, curious. “What are you doing, Asmund?”

The red-trousered Norseman ignored her question, banging his head onto the frozen ground over and over again in joyful praise. “Oh, thank you, PINKIE; thank you, LORD PINKIE!”

PINKIE was wronghoofed. “Um… ” she began slowly. “Usually other ponies ask me this, but... did I miss a step?”

“What do you mean, O Great PINKIE?” the Viking said, gathering small herbs and grasses for a mini-sacrifice.

“You are going to die, Asmund,” the VOICE reminded him.

So it was confirmed! The Norseman flung himself onto the ground , weeping and howling in gratitude. “Oh, praise be to PINKIE! Praise be to PINKIE!”

This weirdness was weirding out even PINKIE herself. “Okay, okay: stop with the praises, stop with the praises!”

Her most humble servant quickly complied.

PINKIE latched on to the only explanation she could have for this strangeness, the skies darkening in Godly anger. “I’m a bit hurt by this, Asmund!” she scolded. “You’re the only mortal I talk to, I’ve made you the leader of the Vikings, and I even asked Twilight to restart this game after she fried my computer! And now you’re telling me that you’re sick of the Nice and Wonderful PINKIE PIE? So sick that you even want to die?!”

The Viking looked up, shock and horror on his face. “What? No no, that’s not what I meant- I just want to go to Valhalla!”

“Really? What’s Valhalla?”

“Valhalla is the place where warriors go if they die in battle, as opposed to ordinary people who just go to Hel… ” Asmund’s voice trailed off as he realized the implications. “Wait. If you don’t know what Valhalla is… does it mean that the place doesn’t exist?”

“Well I’ve never heard of that before!” PINKIE reverted to her bubbly demeanor, sunbeams piercing the sky above. “Sounds fun! We should definitely go check it out, Asm- “

“No!” the Viking threw his entire body onto the floor, weeping and gnashing his teeth. “Nooo! O Merciful PINKIE, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die!”

“…ook,” the VOICE said, totally confused. “What’s the problem now- ”

A sudden ethereal groan from beyond PINKIE herself interrupted the conversation between God and mortal. “Pinkie! I told you to attack Rainbow Dash five minutes ago! Stop delaying!”

“Uh oh,” PINKIE mumbled, a touch of fear in her voice. “Be right back… Asmund’s being a bit difficult, Twilight- “

“Urgh, by the Council of Chalcedon! He’s just a villager, Pinkie: order him!”

“Well he keeps on talking about Valhalla and death and- ”

“You and your conversations! Look… give the laptop to me and I’ll do it for you.”

That must be TWILIGHT, Asmund thought, the cold mud below oozing uncomfortably around him. Hopefully she’ll be less of a taskmaster…

“ASMUND!” the booming voice of TWILIGHT suddenly thundered through the entire forest, pine trees creaking ominously in its wake, hundreds of meteors ripping through the sky for good measure. “Your LORD commandeth you to fight the Huns, NOW!”

It took a while for the Norseman to find the mental strength to operate his vocal cords. “O Merciful Twilight… c-can you find someone else- “

“NO!” TWILIGHT sent another fireball streaking across the sky. “You are an equation in a game! I have full power! You are not going to refuse!”

Asmund fell onto the ground in utter fear, too scared to utter even a word, hoping against hope that this vengeful TWILIGHT might just give up after-

“I’m dragging the Moon down onto the Earth, Asmund!” TWILIGHT bellowed in divine fury. “You’ll be getting 0.0123 Earth-masses of low-density plagioclase mineral up your flank if you don’t do something soon!”

Terrified, the Viking looked up at the burning sky and- by PINKIE, the Moon was indeed getting larger and larger, at an alarming rate- no! Not another Ragnarok!

“Everything you know is going to die because of you, Asmund!” TWILIGHT warned. “Your friends and family and homes and dogs and cats and goats and cows and- ”

“Okay, okay!” Asmund broke under the strain. “I’ll go, I’ll go, O Mighty TWILIGHT; mercy, mercy!”

The advance of the Moon stopped as the Viking got to his shaky feet, heart still fiercely pounding in his chest. “The enemy is there, Asmund!” Twilight cast a green circle around an enemy Long Swordsman some ways down the forest path, curiously unperturbed by any of the apocalyptic visions. “You better go and hit him fast, before… before… ”

A massive explosion rocked the sky as the Moon shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

“Ahh!” The Viking wheezed in terror at this horrific spectacle, blindly scurrying in the direction of the enemy before this crazy God could do any more Earth-shattering damage. “Spare us, O Merciful TWILIGHT; spare us!”

The purple alicorn levitated the laptop back into her ally’s hooves. “And that’s how you deal with peasants, Pinkie.”

“That's not very nice, Twilight,” the party pony murmured uneasily. “And you destroyed the Moon for basically no reason at all.”

Her Highness groaned. “Look, you said I needed to convince your villager to attack Rainbow Dash's soldiers,” the alicorn muttered as she made the finishing touches to her Grand Plan. “Flaming fireballs and exploding Moons are convincing enough.”

Rainbow Dash, Queen of the Huns, chuckled as she zoomed over her cavalry-archer horde, primed to strike down Twilight’s puny city in one fell swoop. Oh, I’m going to win, I’m soo going to win-

The sound of a warning horn abruptly cut through the pegasus’ self-congratulation. “Wha-?” The prismatic mare scrolled over to where trouble was, expecting a rogue cavalry unit straying too close to a tower, maybe an unfortunate enemy scout-

Rainbow Dash’s eyes bulged in amazement.

Villagers. Pinkie Pie was attacking with villagers… no, not even the plural. A stupid villager, hitting her Long Swordsman with his stupid dagger, which apparently was made of stupid clay from the damage it was causing.

“Stupid villager!” Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth as she clicked on the Long Swordsman to respond with his gleaming sword of death. “Time to die- no. Oh no you are not leaving!”

Pinkie Pie laughed and giggled from the other end of the table as the villager now fled from the Long Swordsman, the latter unable to match the former’s speed. “Oh no: run away, Asmund; far, far away from the evil Rainbow Dash!”

“You get back here right now!” the pegasus scowled, frantically trying to have her Swordsman catch up to the insolent peasant. Tragically, the athletic pony had forgotten that repeated clicks of the right mouse button do not make units move faster, and so the gap between the two units continued to widen to the pegasus' anguish and rage.

How dare Pinkie Pie attack her! How dare that nearly-dead pony strike the most powerful force Equestria has ever known with only one villager! How dare she humiliate her like that! How dare Pinkie Pie not show any respect!

There was only one thing to do.

“Oh I’ll teach you, Pinkie, I’ll teach you never to do that again!” a boiling Rainbow Dash snarled, dragging selection boxes over her entire army. “Prepare to eat arrows, Pinkie Pie!"

Applejack’s ears perked up. “Rainbow, what-“ Green pupils dilated at the sight of the Hunnic horde on the march. “What?! Rainbow, no!” she exclaimed, frantically signaling out the moving forces in the vain hope that it was another of Rainbow’s command errors. “No! Stop! You only have cavalry archers, you can’t attack walls!”

“Go away, Applejack!” the weathermare shouted, their previous disagreement still fresh in her mind. “We’re not allies anymore! Stop telling me what to do!”

The rustic pony could only gaze helplessly as the fortified walls of Twilight Sparkle’s base came into view, the impudent Viking villager traversing through a portcullis which locked firmly behind him. “You can’t attack them now, Rainbow; arrows won’t… ”

“Oh, I get it now,” Rainbow sneered sarcastically, seeing nothing but burning shame in front of her. “You don’t want my score to be the highest in the game ‘cause that’ll mean I win. Oh, clever, AJ. Too bad I’m about to attack!”

The roar of battle safely contained behind a row of fortified walls and then another row of guard towers, Asmund turned to the five balding men before him, a sense of intellectual inferiority welling up within. After all, he was a peasant, and they were eggheads. Such eggheads, in fact, that the egginess of their heads was literal rather than metaphorical.

The monks glanced at him with equal disdain.

The villager’s cheeks grew as red as his pants as he strode towards the monks. “Um… hail, holy men! My name is Asmund, and- “

“We know what your name is and what you are here to do,” the portly priest in the center snapped. “PINKIE truly works in mysterious ways.”

Tell me about it, the villager thought.

The monk continued. “What I don’t understand is why we have to listen to you in order to learn how to convert others to the true faith of PINKIE. After all, we have spent our lives studying the holy texts, and you are but a mere peasant.”

“PINKIE has told me personally that she thinks the old ways of persuading people don’t work,” Asmund shrugged. “She has instructed me to teach you the new ways in which we can spread our faith.”

His interlocutor snorted, motioning to his underling next to him. “PINKIE’s will be done, I suppose. Brother Olaf, take notes.”

The rustling of quill and parchment as Asmund collected his thoughts. He glanced worriedly at the Moon, hastily patched up with glue by an apologetic PINKIE.

“Alright then,” Asmund began. “The first word is ‘cherrychanga’…”