Night of the Living Beard
Pinkie Pie continued to bounce happily toward the end of the alley, humming a joyful little tune about chocolate she had learned as a filly. Visions of balloons, confetti, huge banners, cakes, music, games, and more swam through her mind. Oddly, some of the visions were rather blurry, and for some reason they occasionally made no sense at all. Why would she bring a bucket of turnips to a party, anyway? That would just be silly.
Her eyes roamed around the dark alley and spotted a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew. Grinning from ear to ear, she lowered her shoulders and tensed her hind legs, then pounced upon it. She managed to get the cap off and took a sip. Her eyes lit up as she tilted her head back and chugged the remaining green liquid. Amazing! The creatures that live here must travel to the mountains occasionally and collect dew from the plants, and then put it in bottles like this. She couldn't blame them, because it tasted so sweet and bubbly for some reason.
She looked up and saw two dark, blurry figures hiding at the end of the alley. Out on the street, some kind of swirly, flashing light was spinning around. Had someone started the party without her? That simply would not do. She quickly bounced down the alley.
"Oh hi, Jerry. Hi, Harvey. Let's get this party going!" she giggled as she hopped over their heads and onto the sidewalk beyond. "Wheeeeee!"
Harvey Grimwold and Jerry Burnside looked at each other.
"Hey, man. Wasn't that your beard?" Jerry asked.
The two stood in unison and rushed out of the alley in pursuit of the drunken pony.
Tony Loreno pulled Jeanie up beside the blue Chevy Nova parked on the side of the street. He swung a leg over the bike and dismounted, moving with purpose (and a slight stagger) towards Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak.
"Hey... hey you... you pig!" Tony shouted as the officer was preparing to push Stanley Turner into the back of his police car. "You scum-sucking, trash-licking, dirt-snorting, faceless, toothless, assless son of a whore-house's toilet!"
Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak turned ever-so-slowly toward the drunken biker that was fast approaching.
"You get your bacon-grease paws away from that clown-humping dog of a fool! He is mine to violate, and mine alone!" Tony continued, pulling his switch-blade from his pants and swinging it recklessly. "Your eyes can not handle the glory of Tony Loreno's bulging... "
"Defense has been established!" Officer Kubiak interrupted the biker and unclipped his night stick. Beneath his dark aviator glasses, the officer's eyes were wide with delight. He would remove two highly dangerous pieces of criminal scum from the streets in one night. His muscles clenched as he prepared to end his drunken opponent's reign of terror with his swift and terrible arm of justice.
Tony lifted his knife and was preparing to either charge or collapse, he wasn't quite sure yet, when he saw an overgrown, fluffy pink chihuahua jump out of the alley and begin bouncing toward him with a look of malice. Or perhaps it was a look of joy. He pondered this as he watched Harvey Grimwold and Jerry Burnside emerge from the alley in pursuit of the chihuahua. His mind clicked suddenly. He was pretty certain Harvey would be very angry at him for some reason. Well, other than the fact that he was a leader of the Vagos.
"Hey everyone, did the party start without me? Let's get this thing kicking!" the strange pink creature shouted as it leapt onto Officer Kubiak's head.
"Assaulting an officer of the law!" Kubiak screamed as he swung his night stick at his unknown assailant. Pinkie happily back-flipped off of his head, causing the night stick to connect with his skull. "Officer down!" he cried as he slumped to the ground.
Tony Loreno's eyes darted between Harvey, Stanley, and Officer Kubiak. He quickly bent down and began to search for something.
"Where is this knuckle-dragging swine's gun?" he asked to nobody in particular.
"You mean this thing?" the pink chihuahua asked. The gun was in its mouth, and was currently pointed at his groin.
Harvey and Jerry both skidded to a halt as they noticed Pinkie swinging the gun around in her mouth.
"Your beard's packing, man!" Jerry observed as they tried to duck behind the police car. "Take it easy Pinkie, that thing's dangerous!"
"Why'd you do it, Pinkie? Why'd you cut yourself off?" Harvey called from behind the car.
"Because it got boring, I mean duh! Gee you can be clueless sometimes!" Pinkie mouthed around the gun.
"That was... I mean you were my beard, man! I've had it... you, for years!" he called.
"Don't worry, Twilight can grow you a new one. Now let's get the party started, already!" she screamed.
"Twilight? Who's Twilight?" Harvey asked.
Twilight Sparkle was rubbing her purple flank with a hoof. Did Trixie really have to buck her there? She wouldn't be able to sit for a week. She looked around Ponyville. It seemed all of the houses and buildings had been restored to their original form. She was surprised Pinkie Pie hadn't eaten all of them when they had been transformed into candy.
She blinked, and a sudden thought came to mind. Rushing as quickly as she could, Twilight galloped over to where her friends had gathered. Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack all turned to congratulate her.
"Hey, you were awesome, Twilight!" began Rainbow Dash, her cyan pegasus friend. "You should have seen the look on Trixie's face when you summoned the Furies, I mean how did you even... "
"Girls!" Twilight interrupted impatiently.
"What's wrong, sugar plum?" the orange pony named Applejack asked, her brow furrowed with concern.
"Have any of you seen Pinkie?"
Harvey, Jerry, Stanley, and Tony could not believe their eyes. Within the span of a few minutes, Pinkie had managed to decorate the entire area in balloons, banners, and confetti using what she called a party cannon. Where the cannon had come from, and how it could contain the number of decorations and party supplies that it did, were questions that were simply best left unanswered.
Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak, however, did not notice what was going on. He had crawled halfway into his patrol car and was on the radio, speaking quietly.
"Attention COM, this is Echo one-two-four. We have shots fired, possibly by a cannon, and an officer down on that five-zero-five-alpha. Multiple armed suspects, requesting every available unit as backup."
"Ten-four, Echo one-two-four. We'll send in the big guns. What's your status?"
"Physically fine, but I think I've been drugged. I'm experiencing a long-term realistic hallucination of a talking pink pony that seems intoxicated and capable of ignoring physics. The pony is armed with a cannon and seems to have stolen my gun," Kubiak reported.
The radio was silent for some time. Then, "Did you say one of the suspects was a talking pony and that it has your gun?"
"It's the narcotics!" the officer growled. "One of the suspects is completely coated in them, and he forced me to take some. Just get me some backup!"
Silence again. Then, "Ten-four, Echo one-two-four. Units are on their way."
Officer Kubiak grinned, then began to plan a course of action. He would retrieve his gun and arrest everyone in sight. This entire neighborhood was full of the worst criminals imaginable. Reaching towards the steering wheel, he honked the horn.
Stanley Turner stood up in fright and turned just in time to see the swift and terrible fist of justice that belonged to Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak before it connected with his jaw. Stanley, who was already handcuffed, fell to the ground dazed. Kubiak grinned victoriously.
At the sound of the horn, Pinkie jumped up excitedly and turned around. She was immediately tackled to the ground by Tony Loreno, who yanked the gun out of her mouth and stood up victoriously.
Harvey Grimwold took that moment to make a dash for Jeanie. He jumped onto his beloved bike, laughing to himself as he found the key still in the ignition. He pumped a fist victoriously.
Jerry Burnside watched as Tony turned around and set his sights on Harvey. Tony began to raise the gun, but was knocked to the ground by Jerry's double-fisted bash to the back of his head. Jerry was just preparing to nod his head victoriously when a night stick to the back of his knee sent him crashing to the ground in pain. Officer Kubiak cuffed Jerry's hands behind his back with a spare set of handcuffs and stood over his catch victoriously.
The officer was just beginning to think that he would be able to arrest everyone himself when he heard the sudden revving of a motorcycle. It took off down the road a bit, then pulled a U-turn and drove straight for him. Kubiak ran to the middle of the street, but Harvey tracked him down and delivered a drive-by clothesline that caused the officer to flip backwards and land with a thump.
"Officer down!" Harvey yelled victoriously.
He spun Jeanie back around and drove back to Jerry, who was holding his leg in pain.
"You alright, man?" Harvey asked.
"No, man. I can't walk," Jerry said with a grimace.
"Okay, hold on," Harvey said.
He jumped off his bike and ran over to the stunned police officer. He found a keyring and ran back to take the cuffs off of Jerry. After a moment's hesitation, he bent down and took the cuffs off of Stanley as well. A few minutes later, Tony Loreno and Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak were handcuffed together, back to back.
Harvey then walked over to where Pinkie was sitting. Her head was down and she was sobbing.
"Hey, man. Did you get hurt?" Harvey asked in an uncharacteristically quiet tone. Somewhere in the distance, sirens could be heard.
"No," Pinkie sniffed. "My party was a failure! I've never, ever, ever failed to throw a successful party." She looked up at Harvey with wide, glistening eyes.
"Hey, no need to cry. Listen, we can have a big party at my place. We'll get pizza with banana peppers on it. How does that sound?"
The sirens were getting closer now and would arrive at any moment. Stanley walked over and helped Jerry to his feet, then assisted him into the blue Chevy Nova so that he could be comfortable. The pizza deliveryman watched the sad scene unfolding before him with wonder. The little pink pony was kind of cute. He just wanted to hug it. He could really use a hug right now.
Pinkie's answer was cut off by the sound of many engines. Everyone turned and witnessed a sea of motorcycles, leather, and green begin to pour around the corner and head towards the cake shop.
The three hundred seventy four pound form of Leo Oddum could be heard shouting over the noise, "There they are, they got the boss!"
Stanley Turner screamed and jumped into the blue Chevy Nova. His hands moved like lightning as he turned the ignition, shifted into drive, and sped away with Jerry Burnside in the passenger seat all in one swift motion.
The sirens were almost upon them now. Seconds later, Harvey had picked up Pinkie and set her in front of him on Jeanie. He quickly revved the engine and took off.
"Looks like you might get your party yet, Pinkie," Harvey said grimly.
"Wheeeeeeeeee!" Pinkie yelled, her eyes wide as her pink curls blew behind her in the wind.
The Vagos gang followed in hot pursuit, with Ricky and Gabriel staying behind to free their boss, Tony. A minute later, Tony was free, and Officer Kubiak was handcuffed to a utility pole. He kicked the officer in frustration and promptly proceeded to steal his police car.
Officer Kubiak watched helplessly as his suspects and his car all disappeared down the road. He saw his gun had been left behind. At least that was something. A few moments later, his backup finally arrived. He grinned as he saw the number of vehicles that showed up. COM had come through for him in a major way.
Within a minute, he was freed and was in the passenger seat of a S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck. The small fleet of law enforcement vehicles was soon in pursuit of the thirty or so hardened criminal scum bags who were begging for punishment. Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak never let his man get away, and he would not rest until the entire lot of them were behind bars.
"Are you sure this is gonna work, Twilight?" Applejack asked the purple unicorn.
"I have no idea. I think I can do it. Based on my calculations on how Trixie's spell might affect flesh as opposed to an inanimate object, it's my theory that Pinkie would have been transported between dimensions and should have ended up on some place called Earth," Twilight said with a grin. "According to this book, there's a spell that should be able to get me there and back if I concentrate hard enough on her."
"But, but you don't even know if she was hit with the spell! She coulda gone anywhere!" the orange mare said, exasperated.
"There's only one way to find out. Stand back, girls!" the unicorn warned. Her horn began to glow and pulse with power. The light given off by her horn intensified until it was nearly blinding and, after a few agonizingly bright seconds, the glow disappeared.
Twilight Sparkle blinked her eyes and looked around. She seemed to be in a chariot of some kind. A loud, wailing noise similar to the siren alarm back in Ponyville was being emitted by something outside and behind her. In front of her, she could see two creatures looking out a window. One of them seemed to be driving the chariot.
She reached a hoof up and tapped the creature on her right's shoulder. "Excuse me, can you tell me if I'm on Earth, please?" she said with a wide grin.
Jerry Burnside and Stanley Turner both screamed in terror as Stanley lost control of the vehicle and nearly crashed into a ditch.