//------------------------------//
// Enter Our Hero (We're Using a Rather Loose Definition of 'Hero' Here) 
// Story: My Little Goth: Darkness is Bitter 
// by ClickClackTheBrony 
//------------------------------//

	Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her alicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies. 

But as time went on, the older sister became selfish. Ponies found it difficult to sleep during the bright day, forcing them to sleep through the beautiful night time. One glorious day, the younger alicorn refused to lower the moon and give in to the dawn. The elder sister became indignant, but the righteous fury in the young one's heart transformed her into a powerful mare of darkness, Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. 

Valiantly, Nightmare Moon harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Depression. Using the Magic of the Elements of Depression, she defeated her older sister and banished her permanently in the sun, which she then thrust to the other side of the world where it now remains the Minotaurs' problem, and darkness has been maintained in Equestria for generations since.

I set down the book. That had been probably the crappiest story I'd ever read. It sounded like the opening to some baby show. However, one thing about it stood out: The Elements of Depression. They seemed like the kind of thing I would have heard a lot about, considering they were part of how Equestria's ruler secured her power, but I could only remember one other place where they'd been mentioned.

I packed the book up and headed back home to figure out more about the Elements. I had nothing else going on at the moment, anyway. On my way, I ran into three unicorn mares. 

"Hey Dark Tome!" one of them said. "Moondancer is having a little get-together in the west castle courtyard, wanna come?"

"Oh, sure," I said, "There's no way I'd rather spend my day than going to a party with my good friends- er, what are your names?"

They introduced themselves as "Sprinkle Fluff", "Kitty Kuddles," and "Joyheart." Based on that, I knew exactly what I wanted to do next: Wrap them all in a big hug.

"Wow, Dark Tome, I thought you were one of those standoffish goth types! I had no idea you were so affectionate!" Joyheart said gleefully.

"That's okay. You were completely right." I then teleported about ten feet to the left.

"Huh? Hey, Dark Tome, why'd you go over there?" One of them asked. I couldn't quite tell them apart anymore. "And what's that your holding?"

"Your skin," I answered. 1001 Creative Uses of Teleporting, page 158.

The trio looked at each other and started screaming when they realized they were all considerably more flayed than they'd been a half minute ago.

"Quit your bitching," I called to them as I walked off. "I know it doesn't hurt; I took all your nerve endings with the rest of your pelts. It's probably one of the better ways to die... I would assume." Even after that they just kept screaming, so finally I just turned and incinerated them all with the new fire spell I'd been practicing. Fuckin' whiners.

I eventually got back to my room. "Spite! Spi-ite!" I called out. "I'm home! I need you to find my copy of Predictions and Prophecies! Oh, and I brought some skin if you want it!"

Spite teleported into the room in a blaze of black hellfire. "You got it, master. Just let me put these away first," he said as he teleported the skin off to wherever it was he kept it. Spite was my demon familiar; as stipulated by our contract, he was bound to eternally loyal and obedient to me as long as I kept bringing him body parts at least once every three days. Usually I just picked something off the corpse of some asshole who'd gotten themselves publicly executed, but why waste what's left of ponies who irritated me? Specifically, the contract stated that I had to give body parts until I died as a result of the sacrifice, at which point he would get my soul. However, as I'd pointed out to him once the contract was signed, there was nothing that said the parts had to come from my own body, and even they did, I could just give hair or hoof clippings, which I'd never run out of. The loophole was a rookie mistake for a demon, and he was pretty pissed about it at the time, but eventually he got over it. After all, Queen Nightmare Moon was so impressed with the way I basically enslaved a demon that she took me on as her personal student, and he was able to ride my coattails all the way to the lap of luxury. He seemed to enjoy getting the body parts themselves too, for some creepy reason.

Spite teleported back into the room, Predictions and Prophecies in hand. I took it from him and searched for that once passage I needed. "Let's see... Elements of Depression... Mare in the Sun... One thousand years... 'taurs will aid in her escape and she will bring about... Daytime? Aw, fuck that! My eyes are meant for artificial light only!" I shouted. "Spite, take a letter for the Queen:"

To the most glorious Queen Nightmare Moon,

In my studies I have recently discovered that your bitch sister Celestia is also the Mare in the Sun who is prophesied to return during the Summer Moon Celebration. Now since you've lived for millenia I figure you probably already know about all this, since it's not even remotely hard to figure out. I mean, I solved it by accident in under ten minutes. However, I really dislike the idea of Celestia's return, so if there is any way I can aid you in kicking her solar plot, I'm prepared. Or at least I'm prepared to send Spite to handle it while I watch.


Your student,
Dark Tome


"Alright, send it," I commanded, and Spite obeyed, disappearing with the note in his black flames. He returned a few moments later with the Queen's response.

"Well, she knows," Spite said. "Here's what she wrote back:"

My loyal student,

My, what a smart young stallion you are to have figured it out. I know it seemed easy for you, but that's just because you're a cut above the rest of the sheep I rule over; it's the reason I chose you as my student. I am well aware of my sister's return, and I am unafraid of her. She spent the last thousand years being burned alive in the sun, and as such I doubt that she will be fit for battle. However, because you are so eager to assist me, I would like somepony to oversee the preperations of the Summer Moon Celebration in Ponyville. They are consistently misspelling my name on banners and being late for Winter Wrap Up, and I fear they may err once more. I would hate to have to punish them, as decimating a population is always such a hassle, what with all of the census taking and rounding up and executing escapees. Ensure they do not fail, or I shall put you alone in charge of their punishment. It's a lot less fun than it sounds, trust me.


Your selectively benevolent god-queen,
Nightmare Moon


"FUCK!" I yelled. "This is why I don't help ponies! There goes my afternoon! Next time I offer assistance to somepony, talk me out of it! Ugh... Go get a chariot, Spite..."