Season 3 Episode 2 – The Crystal Empire, Part 2
The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville
The Agenda:
1. Preparations for the return of the Crystal Empire. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Achieve reconciliation in Ponyville [ ]
“Sit down, Ms. Coin,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon put away his finished agenda as he motioned to a chair opposite him. “Just a quick chat.”
Finance Secretary Bit Coin slid hastily into her seat, not daring to utter a single word. To Ponyville's mortals, she was the mare in charge of the town finances. To the gray bureaucrat before her, she was merely a young, barely-employable temp who lucked out and found herself thrown on top of the bureaucratic order. And was to be treated appropriately as such.
Crimson Ribbon did not deign to speak, choosing instead to open the crisp pages of the Ponyville Express. Only one story worth mentioning, of course – HAIL TO THE ROYAL COUPLE! The Official Coronation Ceremony of HRH the Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, Prince Consort of the Crystal Empire – and it pleased him greatly to hear the chestnut mare fidgeting oh-so-slightly behind the paper palisade, increasingly uncomfortable as to what her superior was planning. Just how he liked it.
“So,” he abruptly began, eliciting a sharp gasp from his victim.
Bit Coin held a hoof to her heart to steady herself. “Y-yes, Mr. Ribbon.”
A casual flip of the pages. “I remember telling you to check on Ms. Lyra Heartstrings?”
“You did, S-sir.”
“Well.” ...C5 for pictures of the Prince and Princess’ first ever Royal Court!...
The chestnut mare gulped. “Lyra- I mean, Ms. Heartstrings… she didn’t d-do anything. Sir.”
The stutter revealed all. …the Princess’ opening speech stressed that Crystal Empire needed to ‘open up’ to the world after a millennia of isolation…
“Bit. I can make your life very difficult indeed.”
The Finance Secretary gulped again, feeling ever, ever, ever so small at this point in time.
“She’s meeting with the Mayor. In the Duke of Mane.”
“And for what?” …Her Highness also expressed her desire that the Government of the Crystal Empire would take some initiative on the matter…
“… I don’t know, Mr- “
“For what purpose, Ms. Coin.” All of a sudden the paper came down hard and the chestnut mare found herself staring at the aristocratic stallion, his beady eyes conveying a thousand times more menace than his words ever could.
The world stopped. The effect was electric.
“I- “ The young mare sighed helplessly. “They’re talking about the Crystal Empire. Sir.”
*
The “Duke of Mane” Restaurant, Ponyville
“We need to try and get the Crystal Empire to come here to Ponyville, Mayor,” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings mentioned over sprouts and potatoes. “Have them build an Embassy or something. It would be the best thing for us.”
Mayor Mare chuckled condescendingly as she dug into her own salad. “Oh Lyra- Ms. Heartstrings, I mean – why would they do that? We’re not even remotely a center of power in Equestria.”
“Well obviously there’s no point,” the lime-green unicorn mumbled, much lunch stuffed in her cheeks. “It’d be a total waste of their tax dollars. But we have the connections.”
The gray-maned pony tucked into a rocket leaf. “You mean Ms. Sparkle, right.”
The unicorn swallowed and spooned out another couple green spheres. “It would be a powerful vote of confidence in Ponyville. Create some jobs too. We always need more jobs.”
“I see your point,” the tan pony nodded thoughtfully. “But we don’t really have any empty land- “
“The old Legislative Council Chambers.” Lyra Heartstrings pushed over a map – by Celestia, that unicorn really thinks of everything – “It’s central, its large, and it’s now utterly without purpose.”
“True, that.”
Cue a picture of the building in question. “And to top it off, it has a really beautiful façade!”
The bespectacled mare pulled a half-grin-and-half-grimace. They both remembered how much of Ponyville’s disaster fund was blown on that artistic sinkhole.
Might as well have it generate some cash. “Well.” The bespectacled mare skewered up a couple of croutons. “I guess we aren’t that far away from Canterlot… ”
“We have a wonderful park, and a wonderful river,” Lyra added.
“And we are protected by none other than Ms. Sparkle herself!” the tan pony concluded, savouring the tasty crunchies. “Ms. Heartstrings, let’s call up the Crystal Empire immediately!”
*
Before the entrance of the Former Legislative Council Chambers, Ponyville
Asturcon of Comtois, the Crystal Empire’s Ambassador-Elect to Equestria, shimmered in the midday Sun as he surveyed the most positive result of Ponyville’s tryst with the Legislative Council, his crystal form being quite the sight for a host of curious locals.
“I’m still surprised you speak Modern Equestrian,” Lyra commented, figuring a few minutes of nonstop staring was probably enough for even millennial ponies.
“Ah, well.” The translucent pony adjusted his feathered hat. “Before You-Know-Who, we Crystal Ponies were always known as the more vulgar race.”
“How society advances,” Twilight Sparkle muttered on the side, refusing to look at the Deputy Mayor. The scars of the last political election still ran deep for certain ponies.
The lime-green pony either didn’t get or pretended not to get the sarcasm. “So what do you think, Ambassador?”
“Well.” The Ambassador turned solemnly to Mayor Mare. “I have to say, Mayor, that this building, grand as it is, is eminently unsuitable for the Embassy to Equestria.”
The tan pony’s face fell.
“It’s too big,” Asturcon stretched out a forehoof and began counting errors. “The weather’s too hot. You’re a day’s journey from Canterlot and two days from Manehattan. The interior arrangements are wholly unsuitable for Embassy work. Paying for upkeep and security here will cost much… and most importantly, your river is pitiful and your park is terribly designed.”
“I see.” The lime-green unicorn smiled. “So when are you going to sign the contract?”
The crystal stallion looked at Twilight Sparkle. The bookish mare pulled a long face and turned away.
“Might as well do it now,” he admitted, striding over to the Mayor and extending his hoof. “Whoever, we do need this facility up and running in the immediate future.”
“We’ll guarantee it, Ambassador,” the gray-maned mare said as the two shook hooves. “We’ll guarantee it.”
*
The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville
Generally speaking, Bit Coin never argued with her seniors. It wasn’t the done thing in government - not if she wanted to keep her cushy job from the legions of grasping subordinates, in any case.
Yet even her reticence had limits.
“But why?” the chestnut mare pressed again. “Lyra’s plan will benefit Ponyville!”
“Benefit?” the old bureaucrat spat out those words with unmistakeable venom. “Ms. Coin, you are supposed to think like a bureaucrat, not like a politician!”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Ribbon; but I just don’t understand!”
The gray stallion leant back into his seat, crossing his hindlegs. “Bit. Bureaucrats are supposed to make decisions based purely on the best interests of Ponyville, free from the trials and tribulations of elected office.”
The chestnut mare paid due deference. “Right.”
“Look,” the Secretary for Administration tried again. “Politicians think short-term. Bureaucrats think long-term. You tell the Mayor out there to take a popularity hit for benefit five years down, she’ll tell you to get stuffed.”
“Well, sure.”
“And I think our last experience with mass democracy has made us all very aware of how ignorant the masses are.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So what more is there to say? We give our political mistresses the answers, they get the credit, Ponyville benefits. Ah, such a self-effacing job, suitable only for those dedicated!” Crimson Ribbon ended his wistful commentary by looking out of the window, deep in apparent thought.
“You still haven’t answered my question… ” Bit Coin repeated timidly.
“Ah yes. Tell me, Bit: if politicians were allowed to create their own successes, what would happen to their estimates of their own ability?”
“Well, they would increase. Exponentially.”
“Would they then not try running things themselves?”
“Yes.”
“But haven’t I just told you that they cannot run things by themselves?”
“Technically speaking, you said they wouldn’t run things according to the true best interests of- “
“Quod erat demonstrandum,” the gray bureaucrat leant back forwards. “Ms. Coin. We must fight this tooth and nail, for Ponyville’s sake!”
Three sharp knocks from the doorway.
“Come in!” Crimson Ribbon called, philosophical tones dropping away in an instant. “You may go now, Ms. Coin.”
The door swung open. Bit Coin and Lyra Heartstrings exchanged places. The unicorn drew out her seat, sitting down of her own accord. “Secretary for Administration Ribbon.”
The Secretary for Administration showed no overt displeasure at this violation of prerogative. “Ms. Heartstrings.”
“You checked the proposal?”
“Ah. The proposal.” The gray bureaucrat reached into a drawer and pulled out the relevant portfolio. “A very good one indeed, may I first say: we certainly have been trying to put that beautiful Council Chambers into use. But- “
“I knew it,” Lyra muttered.
“But you see, the LegCo building is on land zoned for Government use.” The bureaucrat slammed the portfolio shut in a demonstration of finality.
Lyra Heartstrings blinked in amazement. She had expected some delaying tactics, but not this particular one. “An embassy is government use,” she explained.
“Not our Government,” came the curt answer.
“Does it really matter?”
Crimson Ribbon smiled in his superior fashion. “As a matter of fact, it does. It would be strange not to be able to enforce the laws of one’s own government on government-owned property, wouldn’t it?”
The Deputy Mayor acknowledged that. “Go on.”
“Well then. What shall we make of diplomatic immunity?”
The lime-green pony was inured to this kind of trick. “You’re telling me that nopony in Equestria has thought through this problem?”
“It remain a valid legal point, Ms. Heartstrings.”
“Well fine,” Lyra muttered. “I am Head of the Lands Department anyway. I’ll change the zoning of the Chambers into private land.”
The bureaucrat smiled despite himself. “You are well within your rights to do that, Ms. Heartstrings, though voters may well question your desperation to privatize government property. But all the same, let me remind you that we will need to do a monetary evaluation of the premises – I should warn you that the estimated value of the building will likely exceed any government’s ability to pay… ”
“That’s fine. I’ll sell it below market rate.”
“…I see. Voters do see this as a form of cronyism, but you no doubt realize that. In any case, the whole valuations process shall take a little over six months- ”
“Not fast enough,” the unicorn interrupted. “I want this fast-tracked. One month at most.”
“Alas, this is the fastest the paperwork will go...”
“Then I want the previous valuation you did on the land.” Lyra banged her hoof determinedly on the desk. “You must have done one when the Chambers themselves were built.”
“Oh, Ms. Heartstrings, I am sorry,” the Secretary for Administration raised his forelegs. “But we've really lost all files pertaining to that piece of land.”
Lyra Heartstrings drew back, her eyes narrowing. “Mr. Ribbon, I get the impression that you are actively obstructing me,” she menaced. “This Embassy will be a great benefit to Ponyville.”
Crimson Ribbon, ever unflappable, readied his riposte. “There are good reasons to want delay, Ms. Heartstrings,” he detailed. “Procedures prevent corrupt politicians from changing things on a whim.”
The lime green pony remained defiant. “Let me remind you, Mr. Ribbon. Politicians make decisions, and bureaucrats carry them out.”
And yet most of the time, you don’t even know what you’re ruling over… The aristocratic bureaucrat could only shrug and shake his head sadly in response. "I am sorry, Ms. Heartstrings."
*
Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville
If this lunch was any indication of how the term would play out, Bit Coin was in serious, serious trouble.
“You know about the photos, Bit,” Lyra Heartstrings murmured as she slurped her milkshake. “Honestly. I can’t believe Mrs.Delta Force still thinks you two are simply marejong buddies.”
Bit Coin gulped, her eyes watering slightly at the prospect of being so blatantly blackmailed. “C-come on, Lyra…”
“You know I am doing this for Ponyville, Bit; you know it. Now do it!”
The chestnut mare looked left and right, seeking a way out. “Lyra… you know he’ll know who leaked… I’m not risking my job for this- “
“Done.” A piece of paper slid silently over the table. “I’m actually supposed to be meeting the Head of the Statistics Bureau today, not you.”
“Head of the Statistics Bureau… ” The poor Finance Secretary’s eyes widened in horror. “But… but she’s expecting soon! You’re going to get her fired!”
“Collateral damage,” Lyra waved her hoof dismissively. “Don’t be such a bleeding-heart, Bit. I’m sure her hedge-fund manager husband can take care of her.”
“But…”
“Look, Bit.” The lime-green pony took the chestnut pony’s shaking foreleg and stroked it gently. “If there’s one thing you learn from this, it’s that I take care of my friends.”
The Finance Secretary closed her eyes, squeezing out a single tear.
“No.” The chestnut foreleg withdrew from her interlocutor’s grasp. “Sorry, Lyra… I can’t do this.”
The Deputy Mayor looked on calmly as her interlocutor arose from the table. “You are risking a lot, Ms. Coin, for a few useless principles.”
“The law is what keeps society together, Lyra,” Bit Coin remarked, swinging her saddlebags onto her back. “If you keep cutting corners, eventually you'll have only sawdust left.”
Lyra reached out towards the earth pony. “Bit- ”
“This conversation is over, Lyra.”
The unicorn looked on as her friend pushed open the door and left. Typical Bit.
Mrs. Cake glided up to the table. “Your special cheesecake, Lyra. Oh, congratulations on being Deputy Mayor, by the way – we’re all so happy for you!”
“Thank you, Mrs. Cake.“
“Oh! And I see Ms. Coin has left something here,” the rotund baker chatted away as she bent over to the now-empty chair, retrieving a thin, cream-colored dossier. “You should probably give it back to her, seeing as she’s now your colleague and everything.”
Lyra smiled and received the dossier. “I’ll do it as soon as possible.” Oh, so typical of Bit!
The unicorn took a little peek at the file below. VALUATION OF THE LEGISLATIVE COUNCIL CHAMBERS (to be updated after the election – Fin Sec).
*
The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville
A joyful day in Ponyville as the new Embassy to the Crystal Empire was set to open, and one in which even the Mayor took note to dress in Sunday best. “Mr. Ribbon, we’re all waiting…!” she trilled as she peeked into the room-
The old bureaucrat was sitting in the room, alone, surrounded by papers, crossing his forelegs in the very definition of being annoyed.
The tan pony wasn’t stupid. “Cheer up, Mr. Ribbon! Ponyville’s finally getting something substantial…“
“You know the Deputy Mayor's doing all this to undermine you, Mayor,” Crimson Ribbon commented. “She’ll take control of the government, building goodwill and administrative experience until she becomes Mayor in all but name.”
A cold chill involuntarily ran down the bespectacled mare’s spine. “Oh come on, Mr. Ribbon – so what? This was good for Ponyville!”
“Of course. And I’m sure Ms. Heartstrings will want to share the credit come election time.”
…
“Just come out, Mr. Ribbon,” Mayor Mare ordered, trotting out of the room. “Don’t be late.”