"Ya know Ah left that darned castle after you!"
"No way! I totally made sure I was the last one out!" Rainbow Dash flared her wings.
"Ha, there ain't no way ya stayed longer than ya had to," Applejack said with a wicked grin. "Ah saw how ya shivered when ya still thought it was haunted!"
"I don't shiver! I never shiver! And I guarantee that you ran out of there way before I did!"
"Rainbow Dash, are ya callin' me a liar?"
"No, I'm calling you just plain wrong!" The two mares knocked their foreheads together and growled.
"Girls!" Twilight Sparkle said, getting in between and pushing them apart. They all stood in the central room of the Ponyville library, along with their other friends. "Please, don't argue! The whole reason you're here is to solve this stupid contest of yours once and for all!"
"Hey, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie said. She tapped the mare on the shoulder. "I'm bored! You have anything to eat?"
"I think there's some ice cream in the kitchen," Twilight said as she kept the two glaring mares from butting heads again. Pinkie cheered and pranced off to claim her prize. "Come on, you two, take it easy!"
"I am taking it easy!" Rainbow said, turning to follow Pinkie, who had started to rummage through Twilight's freezer. "After Pinkie's coaching, nopony stands a chance against me!"
"Not if Ah have anythin' to do with it," Applejack said. She stomped away to join Rarity. "Alright, Coach, let's talk tactics..."
Twilight groaned and turned to Fluttershy. "It'll be worth resolving this issue just to get them to stop fighting all the time."
"I only want them to be nice to each other again," the pegasus said, toying with the end of her mane. "I don't like it when my friends get angry."
"Don't worry, Fluttershy, they're not mad at each other." Twilight paused and put a hoof to her chin. "I think. They're just being... competitive." She cleared her throat, then raised her voice so that everypony could hear. "Alright, the contestants have two minutes to speak with their respective coaches before we begin."
"Ah think we got this," Applejack said in an undertone to her trainer. "What with all the practicin' we've done, there ain't no way Rainbow can beat me!"
"I do hope you're right," Rarity answered.
"Rares, that ain't no way for a coach to talk! Ya gotta be mean and aggressive, else Ah won't be properly motivated!"
"Oh, I see!" Rarity scowled and straightened to loom over the earth pony. "In that case... Applejack, go out there and wipe that ruffian across the table! Make sure that you don't do anything to embarrass yourself! I must say, in all of the years that I have known you, I have never liked your mane! Your sense of fashion is simply atrocious!"
Applejack's eyes watered as her chin wobbled. "That's a mite too mean."
"You know I don't mean it, dear! Please don't cry!"
Meanwhile, Pinkie shoveled ice cream down her throat while watching Rainbow pace in a circle. "If she thinks she can handle Rainbow Dash," the pegasus said, "then that poor mare has another think coming!"
"Mmmhmmf!" Pinkie said, nodding.
"I was born to compete! There's no way I can lose!" Rainbow flexed her wings.
"Mmmhmmf!"
"Pinkie, you think you could stop eating for a second and say something I can understand?"
The earth pony swallowed and opened her mouth to reply, but instead convulsed. She wobbled in place with forelegs wrapped around her head. "Brain... freeze..."
"Yep, real inspiring," Rainbow said with a sigh.
"Ouch, that smarts," Pinkie said, shaking the pain away. "Don't worry, Rainbow, I know that you'll blow anypony else out of the water!" Pinkie shoved her face into the carton to reach the last bits of ice cream at the bottom.
"Alright, everypony, your two minutes are up! Contestants, please gather here!" Twilight said from her place at a round table in the center of the room. Rainbow Dash and Applejack sat down across from each other. Pinkie rubbed Rainbow's shoulders while Rarity played with Applejack's mane.
"It truly is a pretty mane, I promise!" the unicorn said.
"Ah already told ya, Rares, ya can stop sayin' that!"
"Am I supposed to cheer?" Fluttershy asked, taking the spot directly across from Twilight. "But I didn't even practice! Oh, this is so exciting!"
"C'mon, let's get going," Rainbow said as her hoof tapped repeatedly on the wooden floor. "I don't have all day!"
"Alright, everypony listen up. The game—" Twilight cringed under the combined glares of Rainbow and Applejack "—er, I mean, contest—is a staring competition. The last pony to blink is the winner. Now, this will be a clean fight," she said, glancing between the two warring mares, "so there will be absolutely no physical contact between contestants. There will be no throwing of things. I reserve the right to disqualify any pony if I feel that they have violated the spirit of the contest. Are there any questions?"
"Nope," Rainbow said.
"Ah'm good," Applejack added.
"Alright, then, let's begin." Twilight cleared her throat before raising a hoof into the air. "On my mark... get set... stare!" The hoof dropped.
Immediately, Applejack's and Rainbow's eylids shot up and they fixed their wide-eyed gazes on each other. For a few moments, silence reigned, until the pegasus finally broke it.
"So, how're your eyes feeling, AJ?" she asked.
"Just fine, thank ya kindly," the earth pony answered. "How 'bout you?"
"Awesome! I can barely feel a thing!"
A drop of sweat rolled down Applejack's forehead and towards her open eye. Just in time, Rarity wiped the perspiration away with a towel.
"So, um," Fluttershy said, glancing back and forth between the contenders, "this is fun."
"This is boring!" Pinkie corrected. "C'mon, where's the action? Where's the suspense? Where's the drama?"
Twilight shifted into a more comfortable position. "Let's try to keep drama out of it, Pinkie."
"Yes, that would be nice," Flutershy said.
Pinkie snapped off a salute. "Aye aye, Captain!"
"You're doing great!" Rarity whispered into her trainee's ear. "I can already see her eye twitching!"
"Hey, I heard that!" Rainbow didn't even bother to look in the unicorn's direction. "And my eye's not twitching half as badly as yours, AJ!"
"Mah eye's not twitchin' at all!"
"Yeah-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yeah-huh!"
"Nuh—"
"Girls!" Twilight shouted. "Could you at least try to keep this civil?"
The two arguing mares blushed. "Sorry, Twi," they said in unison.
"Pinkie," Rainbow whispered, "how long has it been?"
"Oh, it's already been five minutes!" the earth pony said, glancing at her watch. "I'm sure this'll all be over in no time!"
"'All be over in no time', huh, Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash muttered an hour later. Her head lay on an outstretched leg. Applejack sat in a similar posture, with her chin resting on both front hooves.
"Ah don't know 'bout you, Rainbow, but Ah think Ah could go on for another week before needin' to blink," the earth pony said. Her eyelids drooped, but didn't quite close.
"Oh yeah? Well I could go on for two weeks!" Rainbow's bloodshot eyes drilled right into her opponent's.
"Ah could do three!"
"Four!"
"Five—"
"Please don't," Fluttershy said. "That can't be healthy for either of you."
"I think they're exaggerating," Twilight told her friend.
By now, the competing mares' eyelids had begun to tremble as their bloodshot eyes screamed to them for mercy. Rainbow's mane dripped with sweat, while Applejack had been forced to remove her hat before the perspiration ruined it. When Rarity placed a full glass of water before the panting earth pony, Rainbow waved her hoof at Pinkie and pointed to the kitchen. The oblivious pony just grinned and waved back.
"Gettin' ready to give up yet?" Applejack asked, eyelids wavering.
Rainbow tottered in place for a second before placing her hooves on the table to steady herself. "In your dreams!"
"Well, Ah guess jus' sittin' here like this ain't gonna solve nothin." Applejack sat up and lifted a leg. "If that's how it's gonna be, take a gander at this, then." She poked her hoof directly into her eye.
"Ew!" Rainbow shouted as her face convulsed. Her eyelids lowered, but she managed to just barely keep them open. "Stop doing that!"
"Oh, my!" Fluttershy said, covering her mouth. "That looked painful!"
"What, does it make ya wanna blink?" Applejack said to Rainbow. Once again, she jabbed her wide-open eye.
The pegasus grimaced, but didn't give in. "You know what, AJ? That's pretty good and all, but you're not the only one with a secret weapon! Pinkie, do it!"
"Okey dokey lokey!" Pinkie Pie wheeled a chalkboard into the room. "Sorry, Applejack," she said, "but a mare's gotta do what a mare's gotta do." She threw on a pair of headphones and picked up a fork.
Suddenly, everything became clear to Applejack, and her face paled. "No, Pinkie, don't!" she said. "Ah beg ya, this's cruel 'n' unusual punishment!"
"Pinkie, I hope you're not going to ruin my blackboard," Twilight said.
"Why?" Fluttershy asked, glancing around. "What would she do to ruin it?"
"Please, Pinkie, don't do it!" Applejack said.
"Sorry, can't hear you! Headphones, remember?" Pinkie dragged the fork over the chalkboard, and a hideous screech filled the library.
Applejack captured the cringing Twilight's gaze. "Judge, there ain't no way this's fair!"
"I'm afraid I can't legally do anything," Twilight said. "She isn't actually breaking any of the rules I set. Although she is going to have a lot of apologizing to do after we're done here." She fixed a glare on Pinkie, who paid no attention to anything other than the task at hoof.
"So, AJ, doesn't that make you want to close your eyes?" Rainbow asked through gritted teeth.
"Y'all don't look so good yourself," Applejack answered with a hoof over each ear. "Ah bet Ah can handle this unholy racket longer than you can!"
"Nope!" the pegasus said. "What do you think me and Pinkie practiced the past few days? I'm pretty much immune to this by now!"
"Alright, Ah didn't wanna have to do this, but ya asked fer it. Rarity!"
"Do I have to?" Rarity said. Tongue hanging out, Pinkie continued to scrape away at the chalkboard.
"Ah need you, Rarity! Ah don't think Ah can hold out much longer!"
"Oh, if I must." The unicorn flipped her mane and approached the table. "Rainbow, be a dear and look here, would you?"
Rainbow glanced at Rarity out of the corner of her eye. "I don't wanna."
"Don't you think you can handle it, darling?" Rarity said with an innocent smile.
"I can handle anything!" The pegasus's gaze snapped over.
"Then take a peek at what I can do!" Rarity's eyes narrowed and she fixed Rainbow with a fierce glare. "And if you tell anypony about what you are about to see, so help me I will dye your coat pink." The unicorn puffed out her cheeks and rubbed her hooves against her temples.
"What's Rarity up to?" Twilight asked Fluttershy.
"I don't know, but I don't think it can be worse than what Pinkie's doing." The pegasus winced and tried to cover her ears.
"What, am I supposed to laugh?" Rainbow said to Rarity. "You've gotta be—" Suddenly, the unicorn's eyes opened wide and bulged out, almost as if they would fall from her head altogether. Tiny chortles escaped Rainbow's tightly sealed lips, but she didn't quite laugh.
"Um, I could be wrong, and if I am I'm sorry, but that can't be healthy for Rarity's complexion!" Fluttershy said.
Rarity slowly leaned forward, bringing her face closer and closer to the struggling pegasus's. Rainbow's eyes darted back and forth, but she could do nothing to escape. Finally, when her visage was only inches away, Rarity crossed her eyes and grinned.
Twilight snorted. "Oh, Rarity, that's disgusting!" She clapped her hooves over her mouth in order to keep the laughter from getting out.
Meanwhile, Pinkie had wheeled the blackboard around so that it sat directly beside Applejack. The screeching intensified as the disruptive mare pulled forth a second fork and went to town. Applejack's teeth ground together and her eyes started to spin in alternate directions as the blood-curdling sound sent chills crawling down her spine.
"Raaaaaiinnnnboooooow," Rarity said, not dropping her grin for a second.
"I'm—not—gonna—" The pegasus lost control and fell over laughing, eyes firmly closed. "HAHAHAHA!" For a full minute she rolled on the floor.
"Aw, poor Dashie," Pinkie said. She stopped the screeching symphony, and everypony else breathed a sigh.
"I—I can't believe I lost," Rainbow said, staring directly at her hooves. "I guess Applejack's the toughest pony, after all."
"Actually, Applejack didn't win," Twilight said. She pointed at the earth pony, whose head lay on the table.
"The noise... the noise..." she muttered semi-coherently. Her eyes, too, had shut. "Why won't it stop..."
"She collapsed right about the same time you started laughing," Twilight explained.
Rarity shrieked and fell backwards onto a conveniently placed pile of pillows. "You mean I made that awful face for nothing?" she wailed.
"Then how do we know who blinked first?" Rainbow asked. She grabbed her alicorn friend by the shoulders and shook her. "We can't have both lost at the same time!"
Twilight tried to shake Rainbow off. "Yes, but—"
"That's it, we're gonna do this again!" Rainbow said.
"You don't have to—" Twilight started, only to be interrupted again.
"Twilight, get ready to judge," the pegasus said. "It's time for round two!"
"Daisy, Daisy," the dazed Applejack mumbled, drooling all over the tablecloth, "give me yer answer, do..."
"Rainbow, you and Applejack can do this again, but it won't matter." Twilight finally managed to free herself from Rainbow's grasp.
"What do you mean, 'it doesn't matter'?! The whole point of this stupid game was to find out who the Iron Mare is!"
"Ah'm half crazy, all fer the love of you..."
"And we did find out who the Iron Mare is!" Twilight patted Fluttershy on the back. "If you had been paying any attention, you would have noticed that Fluttershy, here, still hasn't blinked!" The pegasus blushed and gave a modest wave.
Rainbow's jaw fell slack. "Wha—buh, who? Flu—" She shook her head. "Fluttershy?"
"Well, um, I thought it would be fun, just to try, and, um..." The mare shrunk backwards under her friend's intense gaze. "Woohoo?"
"But you weren't even part of the contest!" Rainbow said.
"Why not?" Twilight asked. "She's sat here at the table the whole time, and I've been watching her just as closely as I've watched you and Applejack."
"Ah... Ah think Twi's right," Applejack said. Her head lifted slowly off of the table. "We never did say that it had to be one of us that won. Also, can anypony tell me why Ah suddenly want to ride a two-pony bicycle?"
Rainbow's eyes darted to and fro between Fluttershy, Twilight, and Applejack. "But—but—"
"I'm sorry if I ruined it for you, Rainbow," Fluttershy said. "If you want—"
Rainbow sighed and, putting on a brave face, patted the other pegasus's hoof. "Well, congratulations!" she said. "Just make sure you live up to the title. I won't want other ponies thinking I lost to a wimp!"
"Um, I'll do my best."
"Woohoo!" Pinkie bounced in place. "Now that this whole thing's settled, who's down for some fun?"
"I'll get some snacks!" Twilight said, prancing into the kitchen.
"Um, I'll do something tough," Fluttershy said. "And, um, iron-like."
"Congratulations, sugarcube," Applejack said, drooping a leg over the Fluttershy's back. "Now, about that bicycle..."
Pinkie raised her forks into the air. "And I'll do the music!" She fell into a scratching frenzy.
The air above Ponyville reverberated with the screams of five tormented mares.