A Bitter old Dragon...
Historian's note; this letter was found with Spike, after all of the castle mares had given him gifts for his first Christmas. He was slightly bigger then usual when we found him on top of the pile of gifts, and he had no memory of writing it after we took the gifts away, and he returned to normal size through the loss of his horde. I apologize for the strength of his opinions, and recommend that the more sensitive of my readers cease reading at this time. But please be aware Spike was not himself when her wrote this, intoxicated by the effects of Dragon greed.
You have been warned.....
I forgotten how wonderful the sunshine was.
After so many long centuries as a slave, it is so good to breathe the fresh air again. I had kind of adapted to the dank and stale air of Tirek's dungeons, and it's going to take a while to adjust to the outside world once more. These silly ponies don't seem to get that, and keep asking me to go outside and play games with them on warm sunny days. I'm much happier to spend my days in Queen Majesty's treasure room. happily munching away on the spare gemstones littered about the place. Give me a few months to adjust my eyes to the bright glow out there again, ladies. And then we'll talk about playing some pony volleyball.
We dragons are known for the long lives we lead; the equal of any alicorn, and far far longer than any individual pony. Those of us who grow up in Equine society start off seeing the world as they do, and learn to act more like ponies than our own reptilian kind. But as the centuries pass, we watch the mares decay and rot away before our very eyes, and we learn to distance ourselves from our earliest memories. It is the only way to keep our sanity, as the never ending currents of time ceaselessly surge forward.
These Dream Valley ponies- feh! A bunch of silly fillies who eat things that would make other ponies sick, and behave in a way that would disgust them utterly. All that talk of sugary and saccharine girly friendship, yet they'll slay their foes without mercy if they believe it is justified. These ponies are descended from the ponies who killed the tree of harmony, whose ancestors carved it's dead trunk into a chariot for their queen, and tossed the remaining fragments into the generator to power Dream Castle until the end of time. Their queen at the time paid with her life for that decision, but all of Ponyland is still paying for it today.
To be sure, many of these ponies have good qualities about them; they and the human girl beat the dark lord, after all. The Dream Valley mares are intelligent and resourceful, and I would be foolish to think they have no merit. But I am well aware that these equines are but a pale imitation for their forebears, especially those who are of the bloodlines of my dearest of friends. These pathetic mares are an embarrassment to the ponies of Ponyville.
Where do I start? Oh yes, Surprise. That insane little hyena who laughs every time somebody opens their mouth. She thinks it's funny to put piranhas in the castle swimming pool, or to to dump ice cubes into some ponies hot bath when they least expect it. Pinkie Pie would weep at how her pale Pegasus offspring torments her friends, and makes them cry with her practical jokes. Poesy's still a quivering mess after that albino lunatic strapped her down to a table, and pretended to be a doctor that was going to lobotomize her with a chain saw. This maniac doesn't give a flank about parties, her special talent is humor and jokes; particularly ones that make other ponies miserable. This element of laughter is certainly no joke.
Firefly.... I'll admit this mare has all of Rainbow Dash's courage, and all of her flying skill and heroic bravado. But she is even worse when it comes to being a hotheaded jerk, ego being far inflated above anything Dash had. Her primary talent seems to be starting a fight with everyone; including her friends! And even worse, this boy-obsessed tomboy can't keep her hooves off the stallions, and she'll often forget when she's doing to chase after a tight flank. Her only true loyalty is to her insatiable lust, and and her dearest friend is her out of control attitude. Instead of some noble goal like joining the Wonderbolts, I'd wager her dream is to pass a night with every stallion in Ponyland
And then there's Poesy; the wishy-washy wallflower who's too timid to go to the bathroom by herself. This doormat of an earth pony cries and hides in the corner whenever there's a roar of thunder and a lightning flash. This pony is definitely no Fluttershy, she's far too afraid of giant and viscous animals to try and befriend them. All she cares about is being kind to her plants, and she always judges things on their appearances; how shallow can a pony get? i hate that every time I look at this walking failure, I see the reflection of a dear friend. Kindness does not mean being a quivering mass that can't even speak up for yourself.
The others are just as bad; Applejack is hiding something, I'm sure of it. And even if she's not that silly pony is the worst waste of space this dragon has ever laid eyes upon. Stumbling and falling around like a bad cartoon character, and I've never seen a pony this greedy and stupid in all of my millennium-long life. Why just this week, I watched her collect four bushels of apples from the tree outside. But before she could call the stallions to come and carry the them back to the castle, she gave into her greed and devoured the contents of two of the containers herself, and lied to the other ponies about how many apples there had actually been. An element of honesty should never be stupid or greedy, and that mare is not even fit to utter the name Applejack, let alone carry it.
And then there's Glory. I cannot tell you how much this mare pains me, the mere sight of her is like a stab wound to the abdomen. It's not just about her being a party planner instead of a dressmaker (which is a job another one this six losers should be doing instead), nor is it just the fact every time she opens her mouth, that annoying air pollution that grates on the nerves comes out instead of Rarity's heavenly voice. No, the problem is this mare or her failure of a family, can't even begin to measure up to the greatest unicorn to ever live in Ponyville. No, I cannot stand when this walking mistake compares herself to Rarity, and she and her family have coasted off of the fame of their ancestor for generations, even using her reputation to cover their own failings. Never mind that Glory's sister Sparkler is a raging drunk who makes her daughter feel her pain whenever the child fouls up; she's from the house of Rarity! It doesn't make any difference if she strikes baby Sparkler until she bleeds, these are a family who can do no wrong!
And lastly there's the little pink tramp; you all know the one. There is no way, no shape, no how that little miss "I WISH, I WISH I WISH" isn't one millionth of the mare the princess of Equestria was. Twilight Sparkle had to study for years and years to to attain her magical talent though the only way it should be achieved; through discipline and hard work. Her idiotic descendant was simply handed that power on a silver platter, casting spells without the least bit interest in how they work. That's the message to send to all those little fillies who idolize you, you fairy tale obsessed freak. You don't have to work or study to achieve your dreams, kids, just wish hard enough and it'll happen. That's just as bad as that old gasbag of a unicorn you married- great pick there, Miss Shine, a stallion twice your age. Good luck celebrating your 30th wedding anniversary over his gravestone.
I tried to go back and be her assistant; at least she had the good sense to not have a stupid owl as a pet. But all I ended up getting her was fairy stories and fiction books off the shelves. She never looks up the answers to her problems like her predecessor did, she can't stand reading things like non-fiction. Rather, she uses her feelings to solve her dilemmas, disregarding logical and scientific solutions as a waste of time. Twilight believes magic can't be explained, and to do so would be a crime against the magic itself. She has the potential to be the most powerful mage in all of Ponyland since the days of her ancestor, but chooses to hold herself back so she can keep her special talent- wish magic- a secret. I gave up on her and walked away from her when I realized what a dreamer this moronic mare actually was.
And you know the worst part? Twilight Shine has a full understanding and mastery of Wishing and dreams, yet she remains a unicorn. Why? Because she prevented herself from ascending to being an alicorn through sheer force of will. She told everyone that she doesn't want to be an alicorn. How dare she deny Ponyland, a kingdom in desperate need of hope, an alicorn princess who could give the land exactly what it needs! That little pink urine stain doesn't deserve to carry the honored name of Twilight!
And the other ponies of Dream Castle? A super genius Pegasus with no emotions, a jewel eye unicorn who can blow bubbles in soda who is too stupid to live, and a depressed earth pony who cries all the time- wow, what an amazing herd Dream Valley has! I'll be doing them a favor by running off with all of these shiny, shiny gemstones in the royal vault, it'll only be right and proper to take this treasure off their hooves as a punishment for their errors. I'm going to make these ponies pay for their mistakes... just as soon as I get a little sleep here...