I’m lost, aren’t I?
I was in a narrow valley surrounded by strange sharp mountains. Actually, I don’t even know if I can call them mountains. They were as high as the average hills, but the shape was unmistakable. I suppose if I was high enough, only on some plateau, I could call them mountains and given how far I’d flown I have no way of assuming otherwise. So, yeah. Mountains. But anyway, they were nothing like the soft hills I flew over just a few minutes ago and now I was walking on hard brown soil with nothing interesting around except for the smell of sulfur.
I didn’t stop at those snowcapped peaks. I didn’t land on the fields. I didn’t stop for a snack on the hills. No. I had to go on.
My method of arrival didn’t help my mood. The previous few hours were incredible. I was flying like a champ! Seriously, if you’d seen me doing it you wouldn’t think for a moment that it was my first time. Flying. Just so you don’t confuse it with anything else. Anyway, I was flying high and low, dodging trees and houses, going over the tops of mountains – anything I could do to shake the Royal Guards off my tail. They were going after me like I had just escaped from a prison, only it was a hospital, although I suppose you could say that I was technically a prisoner because of all the chains involved. Doesn't matter now. Anyway, I was so full of energy that I kept on going even after I’d lost them. Flying was just too much fun! And everything was going fine until the spell wore off.
If I would have been asleep on a cloud when that happened, the Pegasi would get a free Rorschach test made with blood spatter. I would have given them a preview of their visit to the psychiatrist.
In retrospective, it was a good thing I flew low to the ground at that moment, so when the spell did wear off I only fell for a second before hitting the side of the mountain. Tumbling down wasn’t so fun. And now I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Theories about Derpy’s reason for giving me the purple potion were slowly surfacing, but I had more important things to worry about at that moment.
But why would I want to help the Pegasi? There are clouds forming here and I don’t see any weather ponies coming to clear them. And if they did I could at least get some directions! Featherbrains.
The weather was taking a turn for the worse so I decided to get to higher ground while there was still some hope of seeing where I was. Walking in the shadows of the mountains wasn’t fun, but at least the smell of sulfur was going away. Or maybe I was getting used to it. Either way this was a strange place. First the color, then the smell and now the clouds that were coming out of nowhere. Then it got even better! I turned a corner I saw the first sign of civilization. A whole row of them to be precise - red signs that cut the valley between two mountains in half and continued onwards over the slopes. I had to play along to what was written on them.
“DRAGONS! Caution. DRAGONS! Caution. DRAGONS! Caution. What could it mean?”
I may have inadvertently crossed over into dragon territory, but there really wasn't any reason to be worried. The Great Dragon migration had already happened, which gave me a whole generation before the next group of flying Zippos would show up next. Now, I didn’t exactly know how long a generation is in dragon terms, but given that Komodo dragons mature in nine years, I had no worries about their larger relatives having their young any sooner. And then it hit me.
Gems. Holy sweet Celestia, gems!
The math was simple. Hundreds of dragons were somewhere near me at some point. Dragons eat gems. Dragons are sloppy. If every dragon dropped just one gem on the ground and stomped it during the blood orgies, there must have been hundreds of gems buried right under the surface. That said, I could already sense that the dragon area was huge. It would take me weeks to comb through the parts that I could see and there was no way of knowing how big the whole place really was.
I should have paid more attention in Magic class. “Oh, I’m never going to need the gem finding spell.” Yeah, smart thinking kid.
Since I couldn’t use magic to see them, I had to do something else. It was time to engage my patented detective mode. I looked around and thought about everything I knew about dragons.
They fly, they have scales, their brains are the size of a walnut, the breathe fire. They’re cold-blooded.
Then I examined my surroundings a bit closer by standing motionlessly and scanning the mountains for some time and determined that there were no walnuts or scales anywhere near me. The temperature, on the other hoof, wasn’t all that great for a dragon, which left me with the last option.
If I were an intellectually challenged serpent that wanted to keep warm, where would I go?
There were only mountains around and that vanishing smell of sulfur.
A volcano.
I scanned around for signs of smoke, only the weather wasn’t cooperating. The only thing I could see were the nearby mountain tops that disappeared into the ever cloudier sky. Good thing my sense of smell was still working. I made like a dog and sniffed the air while moving into whichever direction where the smell was strongest. Unleashing my inner beast was fun.
“AUUUU!”
No, you’re a dog, not a wolf!
“Oh, right.”
After zigzagging from the base of one mountainside to the other and stopping once or twice to chase my own tail, I finally saw something useful. There was black smoke rising from a mountain in the distance. It was barely visible in the clouds, but it was there. I hoofed it . Well, to be precise, I hoofed it to the base of the mountain before becoming too tired to run, so I walked and in the end sort of dragged myself up to the top. It was totally worth it.
Dragons are sloppier than I thought.
The huge crater below me indicated that this was, in fact, a volcano. The boiling hot pool of lava in its center gave it away, but that was only half the story. There were leftover gems everywhere! And the best part? They weren’t even buried! They were scattered around in small piles all over the banking of the crater and the path that lead out of it. The way the light from the lava broke off on the gems and illuminated the gray sky above me was beautiful enough for me to write that sentence. If this wasn’t the moment to slow down and enjoy what Mother Nature and a few flying lizards had made for me, then there was no such moment.
I can see why the dragons like this place. Make the path from some river rocks; add a small hut on that ledge over there…
Multitasking is great. You can walk down the side of a volcano crater and plan you vacation house at the same time.
There’s already a pool! Even if it is lava, but so what? Make a normal one nearby and you’ve got one heated pool for your friends and another one for everypony else. But I would need to expand the lava pool, now that I think about it.
I’m sure some ponies would be bothered by the fact that the soil was getting warmer with every step down and that the volcano could go off any second. I was too busy planning.
So yeah, it’s the perfect getaway. If I can haul back enough gems, I could be living here by the end of next week. I just need to figure out a way to carry them. Why did they have to confiscate my saddlebags? The bastards!
Yeah, I was missing my saddlebags again, only this time I knew exactly who took them and why. Apparently nopony had ever seen a Taser before so when I tried using it on Lunestia it made everypony wonder what else I was hiding in my saddlebags. They took them away for further inspection, as they so eloquently put it. I was a broken chain link away from eloquently putting a hoof through somepony's face. I bet I could have made some sweet music with that.
I wonder if they'll let me have the floor plans for the Canterlot Castle back? I'm sure they have their own copies.
The thought of how much stuff I'd lost and would have to re-acquire nearly made me forget about where I was. The remainder came when I angrily kicked at the ground and nearly broke my hoof on a gem. Surprisingly, that actually got my spirits up. I looked around the crater.
Oh well, when life gives you lemons, make lemon grenades! Or something like that. I don’t know.
There was no wood around. Nothing that I could make into a makeshift cart. Only lava, powdery soil and some rocks, but I didn’t come all this way to leave the gems behind. I kicked and hovered them into a single pile while contemplating the amount of hate the universe must have had for me. I gave it a high score. Then, while I was walking around the lava pool, I accidentally kicked a gem into the boiling mess.
"Oh, no, no, no!"
The gem flew into the lava and was about half submerged by the time I got hold of it. Of course, I was smart enough that I didn’t just yank it out of there like a fish, and not only because I always end up with nothing but fish heads in the basket. I knew that I would get sprayed with lava if I did that, so I slowly levitated it straight up, allowed the bits of lava that weren’t stuck to it to fall down and then brought it back ashore. It was a sorry sight.
“Ow, you poor little thing. Now you’re covered in hot sticky lava. And now you’re turning black.”
Oh well, that’s what happens when the lava cools. It crystallizes into…
A thin layer of rock slowly formed over the gem, which told me two things. First, the gem was intact since there wasn't much smoke. Second, that rock looked an awful like the rocks in the crater, which should have probably been obvious from the start. I had judged the universe too harshly.
Of course. Lava turns into rock, rock turns into a mountain!
The problem of transporting the gems was more or less solved. I didn’t have my saddlebags and I didn’t have a wheelbarrow, but I could come back in a day or two with a carriage. All I needed to do was to dump the gems in the lava, pull them out again, cover them in some dirt and nopony would notice that they were there. It was the perfect plan! Did take some time, though.
“Hello, kids! Today we’re going to learn how to make a chocolate fondue. First, grab a bunch of strawberries and hover them over the pot. Now, gently lower them in…”
I was having way too much fun. Seeing the gems go in and come out glowing yellow and orange, then settling down to black and brown was intoxicating. It wasn’t long before there was a pile of them as high as Luna fusing itself into the wall of the crater. In normal circumstances you could probably see it standing out from the rest of the rock around it, but if you were standing in the middle of the crater that was illuminated by the lava, like I was, the whole thing looked more like a shadow than anything else. I was still planning on covering it with dirt to finish off the deal so all that was left to do was to get a carriage to take them away.
What was that guy’s name? The one I caught making out with that guard? Velvet Pants? Fancy Shirt? He owes me a favor and the Freemane always collects - brr, what is that?
The winds picked up, only not normal winds. There were gusts of air coming from behind me in a rhythmic motion, accompanied by the sounds of leather sheets flapping in the wind. It was a standard premise for a horror film and I was playing the scared blond mare.
No.
A heavy thump shook the ground before I had the chance to turn around and it didn’t take long for the ominous shadow to appear over me.
Stay calm. They can’t see you if you don’t move.
The dragon put its head behind mine and puffed smoke out of his nostrils.
They have thermal vision. Got it.
The situation may have taken a turn for the worse, but at least I was learning new things! I turned around slowly. Very slowly. There really was no need to make the dragon think that I was planning on attacking him or anything. I was threading on thin ice as it was. Well, the bottom of a volcano, actually, but that's beside the point. A giant red and yellow dragon was standing right behind me.
That thing's the size of a... dragon actually.
He didn’t look happy. I had to buy some time, so I started talking to him while slowly moving backwards.
“Hey there big guy! Wh-what are you doing here? Are you lost?”
Between my stuttering and his stare, I have to admit that my plan wasn’t working all that well.
“D-did you miss the migration? Heh, heh. You poor thing. Maybe I can help!”
The dragon was calmly matching my pace, keeping just enough distance from me to avoid the rebound. If he would have so much as burped, the flames would have gone straight through me, hit the ground and recoil back. I'm guessing he knew that. Making the whole experience more wholesome was the fact that I was about to smack backside-first into the boulder of gems I had made.
“Let’s just go to the top of this volcano and I’ll show you where to fly. it's no problem, really!”
He wasn’t buying it. My fake grin didn’t help, but I think the one thing that really hurt the negotiations was the fact that he probably wasn’t lost in the first place. Unlike me. My first plans rarely work. And now I was smelling burning hair.
He doesn’t have hair, so…
I turned around and saw that my tail was sizzling on the pile o’gems. The damn thing was still hot so I instinctively jumped away, which only helped the dragon because I landed right under his chin. Now I wasn’t between a rock and a hard place. I was between being eaten or being fried. And then eaten. Before the dragon pulled its head back to look at me again, I saw my last hope: there was a tiny gem on the ground. There was no time to evaluate how the dragon would react to my use of magic, so I levitated it up right in front of him.
“This is what you’re here for, right?!” I don’t know why I shouted. I wouldn’t have done it again. Probably a minor panic attack. “I found a whole bunch of them lying on the ground!”
The dragon took the bait. I moved the gem from side to side and I could see him following it. First with his eyes, then the whole head. I couldn’t help myself so instead of giving it to him and running away, I started levitating it up and down as well. He followed every move. The gem was like a ball on a string to a cat and he actually stood up on his hind legs at one point in an attempt to grab it.
What did that little filly say about fun levels and maximum efficiency? Yes, she was right.
I toyed with him for a few more seconds until I realized something.
Nopony will believe this. Not this. I might as well give him the damn thing and call it a day. I have officially lived more than anypony has ever lived.
“Here, you should take this. Enjoy it!”
The dragon nearly shed a tear when he grabbed the gem to look at it closely. It was strange seeing such a huge, terrifying creature in a state of joy. It looked like an oversized plush doll that'd been cursed and left in the swamp for too long.
Dragons really have nothing on us ponies. They may have the size and the flames, but we have the smarts and the looks.
That self-evident thought might have made me a bit overconfident.
“You know that thing’s exactly the same size as you brain, don’t you?” I should have noticed the way in which he moved his eyes from the gem and onto me. “Oh well, you dumb bastard probably have no idea what I’m saying, do you? You’re just a-“
Then I saw it. The stare that the psychiatrists call: “an indication of hostile behavior.” That was at least what they wrote in my file the last time I went to see the shrink, but that’s a story for another day. Besides, I had only said that I was going to teach the earth pony in the room how to fly if I don’t get a complete pass on that evaluation. I might have also mentioned something about the structural properties of the glass in the windows and theorizing about the speed required to reach the breaking point, but I digress. Now I was having a staring contest with a dragon.
“Dinosaurs.”
"What?"
It talks?!
“You’re thinking of dinosaurs.”
What does he mean dino… oh. Oh!
My spine was so full of chills I could have made ice-cream on it and the dragon grinned at me with more teeth than I cared to count. For some reason the only word that I could think of was "escape".
“Oh, hey, look at the time! I’ve really got to-“
The dragon threw his claw in front of me to block my way. Then he looked at me and roared. Now, he wasn’t spitting flames, but the stink was enough to make me thankful I hadn’t eaten in a while. That and the spit. It didn’t take long for me to be covered in a greasy blanket and not the good kind either.
“You were saying?”
He was taunting me because of course he was. The thought of the saliva getting impregnated into my fur if I moved even a little was a good enough reason to stay still, even if the damn thing wouldn’t be blocking my way out. I didn’t really want to open my mouth either, but I had a feeling that I would have to eventually and the sooner I did it, the sooner I would be on the way to a shower.
Or a river. Or a puddle of stale muddy water. Anywhere but here.
“Uhm, well… I was just wondering what you’re doing here? You know, with the migration over and everything. Did you miss it?”
“Oh, that?” He took his front leg – or is it an arm? I don’t know dragon biology all that well – off the ground and swiped it through the air, laughing carelessly while nearly taking my head off. “I learned something about friendship once and I decided to stay here and look after the place while the guys were away.”
So you’re a pussy dragon?
“So you’re a p- a home keeper in a way?”
“Yes. I guess you could say that. Question is, what are you doing here?”
He brought his head back to my level so he could look down at me like I was a bug. I never knew it was possible for a face to cover your entire field of vision. Another new experience!
“Oh, you know. I was just passing by and…” I frantically looked around, “…wanted to see the Dragon Lair first hoof!”
“Oh, really?” He was shaking his head. My lying wasn’t going well. “And here I was thinking you wanted my gems. How silly of me.”
“Heh, yeah. About that…”
“Now here are your options.” He counted with his giant claws to get the point across. As if that was necessary. “One, you tell me where the gems are and I let you go-“
“That sounds good!”
“OR two - I roast you over that lava pit over there and have a snack.”
I didn’t like the way he licked his mouth when he said that. Better poor than dead, right? But he had to finish his monologue.
“You know, you’re lucky I even gave you an option. If it wouldn’t have been for a pony back in Ponyville, I would have made that decision for you.”
Ponyville?
What was it about Ponyville that made it a permanent stain on my mind? Was it the delicious food and hot saunas? Or was it the blatant insanity of everypony there? It's a tough call. At least the mention of that town made anger overshadow my fear.
“Wait. What do you mean Ponyville?”
“Huh?” I don't know if it was the question or the way I said it, but I somehow managed to confuse the dragon. “Ponyville. A small town that way.”
Maybe I wasn’t all that wrong on the brain size after all.
“I know that! What happened there?”
“I was sleeping in a cave and my snoring was causing mayhem in the town.”
Being upset over snoring. Yup, sure sounds like Ponyville!
“Wow, do dragons really snore that loud?”
“No, but we do make smoke when we snore. And everyone in town was panicking because of that.”
“OK. And then?”
“Then some ponies came up to ask me to stop and I…” The dragon looked at the ground. “I was being a bully.”
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. More so when he happily finished the story.
“But then a yellow pony flew up to me and told me that what I was doing was wrong, so I apologized and left.”
How dare they!
It was sickening. Scaly monster or not, I couldn’t let it stand. Hunt the dragons, fight them, make a nice stew - all of those are appropriate tactics for maintaining pony superiority. Using mind games? Unacceptable.
“So you’re telling me that a few ponies came up to you – you, a dragon – woke you up and tried to run you out of town?”
“Uhm, well-“
“And you gave in?”
“Well, I couldn’t bother them anymore-“
“Who were they? The princesses with the Royal Guards? The Wonderbolts?”
Who else could have persuaded Mr. Death Machine over here to surrender?
“No. Some colorful ponies.” He started counting with his claws again, but this time he was decidedly non-threatening. “First there was a purple one, then white, pink-“
A twitch developed in my left eye. There was no doubt where this was going.
Blue, yellow and orange.
“- and blue. Then I made a mistake and got mad, but the yellow one made me see how terrible I was.”
One's missing.
“Where’s the orange one?”
“What?”
“Nothing.” I waved him off. “And you let some crunchy little ponies tell you what to do? Don’t you know you’re a dragon?” I stomped for added effect. Another thing I probably wouldn't have done again.
“I-I am, but-“
“No buts! You’re a dragon! You’re supposed to be intimidating and terrifying and horrible. It’s what you do!”
I would love to say that this was all part of my genius plan to get free, but I was genuinely angry at the Hate Parade for doing this to him. Sure, they tried to sacrifice me to Lord Smooze with the help of a zombie, but I’m me! I can take on anypony. This was just a defenseless dragon. Or at least that’s what I think they were trying to do. I never did figure that part out.
“Look, you have to go back there and claim that town for yourself! It’s the only way they’ll respect you.”
“The whole - town?”
“Yes, the town. You need to go there right now and show them who's boss!”
That way I can get my revenge and return a dragon to his former awesome self at the same time! I love these two-for one deals.
“I can’t do that – they were nice ponies and all-“
“Nice?! They weren’t nice. They played you! What do you think the other dragons would say if they knew about this?”
“I don’t- I don’t know.”
“Oh, he’s so sweet and kind? Or do you think they would die laughing?”
“I – uhm, I…”
“Yeah, that’s right. That’s what happens when you…”
He started crying. A lot.
No. Stop. Don't do that.
The tears hit me. Literally. They were like a waterfall. At least the unexpected shower washed most of the saliva off my fur. Still, it was better to get out of the shower so that I could talk to him.
“Hey, listen – it’s not over, OK? You can still fight back!”
“How?”
He looked like a little colt, the eyes red from tears, snot coming out of his nostrils. It was pathetic, but I guess that makes my sympathizing with him even more so. It’s strange. I don’t usually feel sympathy for anypony, but with this thing… Maybe the fact that it wasn’t a pony was why I did feel sorry for him. It was time to help him get his dragonyness back!
Who knew that a volcano would be such a good hairdryer? Makes this into a spa and you could make a bundle of bits! If I could just - no, first the dragon. Then the spa.
The situation was strange. The giant dragon that scared the living daylights out of me only a few minutes ago was now sitting hunched in front of me and slightly shaking. He reminded me of me when I was young – I obviously never cried, but I wasn’t always this tough or handsome. And then I remembered what my granny used to say: “Pull my tail again and I’ll kick your face in!” In other words, it’s important to show you’re the boss, even if you’re making empty threats because you know you would get put into a nursing home if you ever did that. This dragon didn’t realize his potential.
I know I had some pamphlets from Iron Will in my saddlebags, but – lo and behold – I don’t have them. What a surprise!
Since I didn’t have the instruction manual for getting back on top of your game (You never really left!) I had to make it up on the fly, so the next few hours were kind of like a Rocky training montage. The dragon did push-ups on his wings, claws and tail. He punched rocks, scorched the ground with fire and only occasionally turned to me bewildered as I hummed the tune. The low fire-spitting fly-byes were his idea and for the first time I felt what it must be like to have a son. A sense of pride, mixed with the desire to see it move out of your damn volcano base as soon as possible so you can have it to yourself again. By the end of it all, he was as terrifying as when I first saw him.
Daunting pose. Sinister smile. Fiery eyes. Looking good!
“OK, this is better! Ready to go back to Ponyville now?”
“I don’t think so.” I didn’t like the way he was looking at me.
Huh? Now what?
“You reminded me how to be myself again. For that I thank you.” There was a feeling of deja-vu as he came closer to me. “But I don’t want to be like that again. Those young ponies showed me that hate isn’t everything.”
Then what is?
“What are you saying?”
“I’m not going back. I’m going to fulfill my promise to the dragons and keep an eye on this place and when they get back, I’ll teach them the same lesson. Thanks to you, I now have the courage to do that.”
The suddenly gentle expression on his face made me realize that he was serious.
So I transformed the dragon from a pussy into a monk? That doesn't help me!
I had to stop that question from being answered or my plan from going to waste. Getting the dragon back onto its feet was the unexpected part, I had a new priority in picking a bone with Ponyville.
“You can keep the gems, you’ve earned them. Thank you, friend.”
I don’t even know his name and he’s calling me a friend?
I didn't expect that. A strange feeling of mushiness started spreading inside of me. It was as if my bones were going limp, releasing heat into my body. I even felt the beating of my heart for the first time since forever.
NO! Snap out of it!
The crisis had to be stopped. The dragon was going to Ponyville and that was final! He just needed some encouragement.
“There’s a zombie in Ponyville that’s using dragon eggs for her potions.”
“There’s WHAT?!”
We were on our way to Ponyville. And when I say we, I mean me, holding on for dear life to the scales on the dragon’s back. The dragon didn’t rush. He was just keeping a constant speed and a determined stare. We didn’t even say a word to each other the whole time. He was too focused on getting to that zombie while I was worried that my lungs would rupture if I opened my mouth. The fear of falling also played a role. Those beautiful mountain peaks I had seen earlier were starting to look an awful lot like spikes searching for some dragon-riding pony to impale.
What if the dragon actually drank some flight-potion and it’s going to wear off?
My mind was tripping from the terror of barebacking a dragon. Ugh... you’re going to interpret that the wrong way, aren’t you? Riding a dragon bareback. No saddle. And that doesn’t mean a condom! Although I don’t know if you would even need a condom for a dragon. I’m pretty sure they don’t have any STDs and I doubt you could get one pregnant even if you tried. But then this wasn’t a lady dragon, so that’s a moot point. Wait. How did we get here? Damn it, this is what happens when you try to be considerate! Let’s just get back to the story.
What am I even doing here? Ponyville is close to Canterlot and I’m trying to get away from it! I'm guess I could use the chaos to my advantage by getting…
Before I could finish that thought dots appeared in the sky and grow bigger with every second. We got company. At first I thought they were parrots, but I think I can be forgiven that since I didn’t exactly have the luxury of looking around all doe-eyed like some newlywed on a hot air balloon. Instead, I looked around for a split second and then back at the dragon to make sure I wouldn’t fly off it when it would suddenly need to dodge a mountain or something.
Comets? Arrows?
Whatever they were, they were getting closer. From my spastic movements I could see one of them get hit by lightning and it started spewing smoke from the tail. Only it wasn’t a parrot and the lightning came from the other one. I knew what this was. The Weirdobolts. I know that isn’t what they’re really called but come on, show me a pony who wears spandex in broad daylight and I’ll show you a registered sex offender. Those guys just made a job out of it, which is a brilliant move on its own, I’ll give them that, but just because they can fool everypony else doesn’t mean they can fool me.
I wish I had a slingshot right about now. And a rotten egg. Damn… Saddlebags… Wind…
The Weirdobolts flew in from high left, went to our side and climbed overhead before breaking formation and surrounding the dragon. He noticed them and jerked his head from side to side to see what they were doing. I nearly lost my bowe-grip. I mean grip. I couldn’t quite make out what they wanted. Their masks hid their faces and they were signaling to each other in hoof gestures, but everything seemed good for the time being. I think they saw it as more of a show – an entrance with which to awe the ponies below. If I’m honest, it must have looked pretty sweet from below. A giant red dragon with four Wonderbolts in tow drawing black lines across the sky? That has to get the blood flowing to the Parietal Lobe of every pony that’s faint of heart and simple of mind.
Celestia would have offered them their very own sex-slaves if they’d have planned this in advance. Who knows, maybe they’ll still get them! I wonder what I’d get for riding this thing?
The dragon didn’t like their showboating any more than I did. He looked at the closest one with a squint and blew smoke from his nose at him. The Spandex Special was thrown into a cloud. One less fly to worry about, but the rest weren’t too happy about that. They started circling us at the tail and they were picking up speed. I turned back to see what they were up to.
What the hay are they doing, trying to start a twister? But that’s stupid. It would take...
They were creating a twister. It started with a barely visible mid-air whirlpool just behind the tail and then came the suction. The dragon panicked a bit when we started slowing down, but at least he had the benefit of being huge. All I had were my hooves and magic to keep me from flying straight off him into the death zone.
“WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?!”
In hindsight, they probably couldn’t have heard me even if they were listening. I could barely hear myself and I was the one doing the shouting. The wailing was getting worse with every moment. Then the inevitable happened. The suction ripped me from the dragon and I found myself on the business end of the twister. The wind carried me around like a rag doll and my face was forming shapes I never knew a face could make. It wasn’t that I saw it, as I wasn’t having an out-of-body experience, which is New Age nonsense anyway, but I could feel my cheeks flapping against my ears and I think my nostrils were big enough to snort a gem through.
Of all - the worst thing - that could happen, this - is THE WORST possible - thing!
The distinctive shape of the dragon’s shadow appeared over me. He was too big to be caught up in the twister, but that didn’t stop him from being sucked through it, so of course he came flying directly at me.
No.
Have you ever wondered what being hit with a cottage feels like? Well, if the cottage is about the size of a dragon and has sharp scales instead of a roof, then I have good news! I can totally tell you how that feels like and why you should avoid it at all costs. It feels like being hit by a giant dragon, that’s how! The damn thing swatted me out of the sky like I was a pencil sharpener and in a strange way that was the good part because I was finally out of the twister. The bad part came when I saw the dragon reverse its flight to go fight the Murderbolts. Do I even need to tell you that I was left falling toward the ground at high speed? No? Good.
“Aaaaah!“
What do I do? What do I do?
The ground was fast approaching. It was covered with what looked like foam and had little green beads poking out of it. Since I wasn't on drugs, I blinked to make the hallucination go away and saw what was really there. Trees, engulfed by a thick fog. I also discovered that an overdose of adrenaline really helps in creating quick solutions.
The fog! The cloudwalking spell!
I concentrated the best I could and felt something in my hooves. Some strange resistance to the water molecules in the air that I was passing through. The spell worked. Since the fog wasn’t as thick as clouds, I made an educated guess that I wasn’t going to hit it like it was concrete but that it would break my fall in a giant sponge sort of way.
Please work, please work,…
The feeling of going through the fog was special. And I don’t mean special in a good way or a bad one, just strange. Nothing like falling into a sponge at all. More like going through a marshmallow - kind of sticky, but not clingy. The white mare from Ponyville came to mind for some strange reason. Once my hooves were on solid ground I put the spell away feeling just a little bit violated.
“Damn it. I’m never flying DragonAir again! The service was terrible, the flight was bumpy and I got kicked off midway. Now, where am I?”
My mind immediately went two ways – first, I was in a forest. That brought back memories of my last forest exploration and all the fun I had there.
Stupid zombies.
Second, it wasn’t a scary forest, which was an upgrade from my previous package. Unfortunately, it was your plain vanilla forest with nothing interesting in it.
Stupid forest.
I could make out a high mountain in the distance with a sharp candy cane sticking out of it.
So, Canterlot’s that way and so is Ponyville. But I don't want to walk there. That would take forever. No, what am I thinking. Without the dragon going back to Ponyville would be suicide! I would just hand myself to them on a platter instead of the other way around.
The opposite direction was the only option. I had no idea how long I was going to be a wanted pony for escaping the hospital, but I had a fairly good idea that Miss Sunbutt wouldn’t give up so soon and with the revenge on Ponyville a lost cause, it was time to extend original plan.
It's probably best to start by hiding someplace. Then, after the heat's off, I'll go get the gems and sell them for everything I'll need for the volcano spa-lair. I'm sure Fancy Pants - It was Fancy Pants! - will buy them.
The idea was to get as far away from Canterlot as possible and find a small town where the peak IQ doesn’t reach half of the equestrian average. I would stay there pretending to be a wizard or something until I could return to the civilized world. Maybe I would even find other small towns if the first one got suspicious, but those were future problems. And it wasn't a half-bad plan! I mean, I already had magic capabilities, and even if they would have a unicorn or two in the town I could still use my superior intellect to fool them into thinking that I’m the greatest magician ever. Fooling ponies is easy when you know how the face of stupid looks like. And I’ve been to the Canterlot Castle. Speaking of which, I had to get away from it.
“Ah, into the unknown. Like the great explorers who founded Equestria. The… Um…”
Eh, who cares. Stupid history and its oppressive ways.
Canterlot and the forest were behind me. The peaks of the mountains where I buried the gems were showing through the thin treetops at my 10’o clock and there were more trees in front of me than I could shake a stick at. If I had one! I suppose I could have made a pointing stick from the stuff laying on the ground, but it would have been such a waste of time to do that just for the sake of that sentence that I didn’t even know I was going to write at the time that I just carried on. If I had a time machine, on the other hoof, now that could solve so many of my problems that I wouldn’t even need a pointing stick! Ah, who am I kidding, there’s always a use for a pointing stick.
Hey, more trees! Now that’s creative.
I’m glad I didn’t have my sarcasm detector on me or it would have exploded. That said, I didn’t have a map either, and that was less than favorable, but the day I let that get in my way is the day I turn in my Adventurer (TM) card. I walked for a long time, and there wasn’t anything particularly interesting in the forest, apart from the fact that it had trees in it. There were some shrubs and animal noises and that was about it. It wasn't even a dark forest, just a dull one. Then I saw them. The mushrooms, growing temptingly out of a tree stump.
Are those shrooms?
I had to investigate. For science, of course.
Wow. The last time I did shrooms was way back in college. I wonder if Ace still has the connections. I could get some money off these things! But… no. I don’t think shrooms grow on tree stumps. Maybe I can find some on a field somewhere. And there has to be a field after the forest ends, right?
There was no real reason to risk food poisoning in the middle of nowhere. Even I knew that. Once I was close enough to civilization, fine, but until I got there I would take it easy. The mushrooms did have one effect, though. My stomach started growling. I hadn’t eaten since the breakfast in the hospital, if you can even call it that. Some dried up haybars and a bowl of milk with such low fat content that you would think it’s paint if you’d seen it anywhere else wasn’t exactly a proper meal. That was followed by the rush of adrenaline that fueled me more or less until now.
Damn it, this forest just goes on and on. Am I walking in circles?
It was strange, sprouting wings. I called the nurse to unchain me for a bathroom break before I took the potion. I couldn’t believe she fell for it, but then again, not everypony can be a strategic mastermind like me. Now, you’re probably wondering how it feels like, to grow a pair of wings. Well, have you ever had a bone cracked by a sharp stick? Only that the sharp stick was also your bone now and it was constantly being broken as it grew and made little sticks along the way that repeated that process? And your girlish shrieks caused the guards to rush into the room, forcing you to jump out of the window? Yeah, me neither. I let out a battle cry and jumped out of that window to prove how badass I was.
Wait. When I had the wings I was technically an alicorn. I could have used that! By the time those idiots would have figured out that I’m not Prince Freemane, the long lost heir to the throne, I would have been out clear. Why didn’t I think of that before?
Between occasionally stomping the ground in anger and practicing my use of profanities, I walked on in hateful boredom. I was already contemplating climbing a tree to see where I was, when the forest ahead finally started thinning. What was coming into view wasn’t what I had wanted to see. A stripe of light tan instead of the green fields.
How can a forest end at the edge of a desert? This doesn’t make any sense. I didn't pass a river!
Logic or no logic, I wasn’t going to turn back. At least I wasn't walking in circles. The dragon mountains were more or less in the right direction, only closer, which meant that Canterlot was slightly further away than it had been a few hours ago. The down side was that I was now going into a full blown desert without any kind of map. Still, there were some lone plants in the distance and where there’s plants, there’s water and where there's water in the desert, there's usually a town. The small hills in front of me were a good starting point to get my bearings.
I love sand. Sand is the best. If I could have one thing for the rest of my life, it would be sand.
Positive affirmations are supposed to make you feel something other than pure hate for the thing they’re aimed at, but it wasn’t really working. Walking on sand was a lot like walking on hot coals, only there was no spiritual guru trying to force you on it. Of course, that did save me the trouble of choking the guru, but one such experience was enough. All I had now was hot sand under my hooves. I was so glad that I never got that hooficure – not that I would ever even consider it in the first place! I mean, maybe I could see myself getting one after a long day in the lab shuffling samples around, but even then I would forgo the pickles and the mud bath. Those things are mare-ish. Nightmare-ish. I’m sorry, that was a pun. I won't do that again.
Oh, sweet Lunestia, is that a railroad?
It was. After walking for what felt like minutes on the hot sand, I reached the top of a small hill and saw the beautiful black line in the distance. A sign of civilization that I hadn’t seen… well, since that morning, but so what? I lot had happened since then.
So, the trains going north are going to Canterlot. I need to find a train going south.
There was no sign of a train in any direction. No sign of life as well, just sand and the occasional rock.
“Damn it!”
At least the sand between the wooden sleepers was colder than the sand around me. I had to walk south. As if I hadn’t done enough of that already. What was worse was that every once in a while the tracks would turn and disappear behind a corner, giving me false hope about seeing a settlement. Oh, who am I kidding? At that point I was so desperate that the sight of the Pink Menace from Ponyville would have cheered me up. Then I would at least have something to do! And my kickstomping skills needed brushing up.
Is there at least a scorpion here that can sting me? I’m tired. I’m hungry. My legs hurt. I’m whiny.
The tracks went on for miles. Literary. And metaphorically. But neither the heat, the hunger or the monotony of walking along what seemed like the same stretch of tracks over and over again had any effect on my mind.
What if butterflies lived underground? Would they still eat cinnamon bread? Or would they prefer to sleep until noon? What if they are living underground? Are moles cinnamon bread?
“Are you all right, stranger?” a fuzzy blob of light gold color asked.
“Wha…”
“You’re halfway to a heat stroke! Drink this.”
The blob slowly transformed into a pony that gave me a canteen. I didn’t stop drinking until the canteen was empty. Only it wasn't water.
"Wh-what is this?"
"Why it's cider, stranger!"
My vision cleared in an instant.
"Cider? I'll kill you!"
I lunged at him with every fiber in my body, which at the time meant that I more or less gave him a hug and fell back to the ground.
"Whoa, stranger, the heat really did a number on you! Come on, let's get you to the town."
Town?
Cider or not, the town was a better option than being out in the desert. I felt slightly stupid for my outburst when the near-heat stroke started fading.
All he has to do is call for help and the first Guard to come here will recognized me. I need to keep a low profile.
The town was just behind the corner and what happened next took me by surprise even though it started out predictably enough. The hat-wielding pony stopped as soon as the first buildings appeared and told me his name.
“I say stranger, I've forgotten to introduce myself. I’m Braeburn.”
Strange accent and a strange name. So far so good.
“An' that town behind me is Appleloosa!”
He made a funny pose when he said the name of the town, partially standing on his hind legs and swinging his fronts in the air while looking straight up. There was also the way in which he pronounced Appleloosa. Like something had stung him somewhere sensitive.
And that’s inbreeding for you. It's ponies like this why I don't need a dictionary.
“Don’t just stand there, come with me and we’ll get you fixed up. What’s yer name stranger?”
The fake name - my only weakness!
“I’m, umm.. Crescent Silvershade Moon.”
One eyebrow raised. Head tilted slightly back. Tiny pupils. The expression on his face told me that he didn’t believe me, which was cause for concern. I didn’t want these ponies knowing my real name because that would cause the kind of problems I had just spent a day getting out of.
“It’s a…” I looked around for inspiration. The feathers over a quaint store provided the inspiration. “It’s a buffalo name! Yeah. That’s it.”
“A buffalo name?”
My chain and ball wasn’t buying it. It was time to massage his weak mind into a pliable mush.
Engage hyper-mathematics!
“Yeah. I’m one sixteenth buffalo on my mother’s side. Her father was one-thirtieth buffalo until he got a marrow transplant from an actual buffalo, which gave him some extra juice so he was basically one in thirty-two buffalo. Then he married an earth pony who then gave birth to my mother.”
He looked around confused for a while. The way he was turning his head and searched for something tangible with his eyes made me sure that I had effectively overridden his brain. Soon, he started trampling the ground with his left foreleg.
One plus one plus one... Hee-hee.
“Wouldn’t that make you less than one hundredth of a buffalo at best?”
Say what?
“Huh?”
“If what you said is true then yer mother couldn’t have been more than one in sixty-four of a buffalo which would make you one in one hundred and twenty-eight buffalo.”
“Um, I don’t-“
“I’m assumin’ yer mother didn’t marry an actual buffalo, right? Which means you’re half the buffalo yer mother was.”
Damn it Jim, I’m a physicist, not a statistician!
“Yeah, I guess you’re right!” There was only one option: laugh it off. “Wow, this heat is really something isn’t it?”
Take the bait, take it!
“Boy howdy, you’re right about that one. Let’s get you over to the Salt Block before you lose yer mind completely! To Appleloosa!”
He did it again and my left eye twitched involuntarily. The town wasn’t more than a few minutes away and I was already regretting being saved from the desert. He talked about it the whole way there. I ignored most of it, until a select collection of words entered my ear.
“Why you’re the only unicorn in this town right now!”
I’m surprised he didn’t see the way my eyes transformed into two giant bits. I could feel it happening on a physical level.
Jackpot!