My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S2E24: MMMystery on the Friendship Express

With only a few days left until the election and trailing 30% in the polls, Mayor Mare was thinking.

Personally, she had accomplished much over the course of this election cycle. Surviving the gallons of mud being thrown at her, navigating a treacherous shutdown, even pre-empting a popular uprising – these were not run-of-the-mill incidents. The tan pony took solace in that.

Yet no solace was forthcoming for the citizens of Ponyville. The government remained closed: trash now piling up in the alleyways, vendors advancing in their shamelessness. Scarcely a week passed without some new scandal that would roil up the population. Cherished institutions were falling victim to insidious political polarization – the newest gossip being that the Cakes were now serving week-old cakes to Mayor Mare supporters. Rumor and suspicion were ruling the roost.

The tingle of metaphorical sparks lay thick in the air. The threatened riot was a warning shot. Luck would not shine on Ponyville forever.

And all this was the gray-maned mare’s fault. Was it not she who had decided to extend democracy within Ponyville? Was it not she who overruled all objections to her plan? Was it not she who believed that each pony would exercise their newfound powers rationally, voting for their own interests against the interests of the monied class?

The politician had not counted on Lyra Heartstrings’ skillful manipulation of the electorate: media manipulation, subtle inference, and flat out lying. She had not counted on the fact that for the majority of ponies, passion rather than rationality informed their political worldview, and that base slogans and simple chants would blindfold the higher functions of their nature...

Mayor Mare shook these defeatist thoughts out of her head. No, she reminded herself astutely. No. democracy can still work: with what we have here, democracy can still work!

But if she was to save the seminal achievement of her administration, Mayor Mare would have to do something soon to prove that it worked.

Then how about a Convention? the idea popped into her mind. A one-on-one discussion with Lyra about ending the shutdown would surely work. The unicorn couldn’t possibly be seen to oppose something like that. They could then, however angrily and begrudgingly, hammer some compromise out, alleviating the present danger and demonstrating to Ponyvillians that democracy could also bring order to the troubled town.

Besides, as leader of Ponyville the Mayor would also receive the lion’s share of the credit.

No contest, then. Mayor Mare reached over for a nearby phone.

She was finally here. After all the bitter disappointments, the endless fighting, the negotiations with Filthy, the back-and-forths with fellow Councilors and her conscience-aching tactics, Lyra Heartstrings was finally here. At last, after so much heartbreak that not even Bon Bon could assuage, the unicorn was reaching the top!

The lime-green pony giggled again as she surveyed once more the exquisitely-wrapped scroll between her hooves.

Oh, if this wasn’t proof of the Her Highness’ favor, then nothing was!

“Ly-ra!” Bon Bon’s annoyed voice called out from the washroom. “The phone’s been ringing for a couple minutes already! Can’t you just get it?”

“Really?... oh!” the opposition leader hastily picked up the receiver. The line had cut out. Typical.

Lyra groaned further as the voicemail revealed that it wasn’t Canterlot Palace, not even a well-wisher – but Mayor Mare.

“…Councilor Heartstrings: I know we have our differences; but I feel this continued government shutdown is really hurting the ordinary folk of Ponyville. I want to a Convention between the two of us in order to solve this issue. Please respond ASAP. Bye.”

Urgh. Way to ruin the atmosphere. With the elections so close by, this overture was clearly some incompetent gimmick that the desperate Mayor was hoping could trap her. The unicorn couldn’t refuse the offer – that was political suicide. But if the negotiations succeeded, the Mayor would get credit and it would still be political suicide, albeit of a less painful sort.

The status quo was in the lime-green pony’s favor: she needed to maintain it for the next few critical days, whatever the cost.

Lyra Heartstrings put aside the Wedding Invitation and began to think.

The two ponies coughed their way into the dusty room – nobody had cleaned them for some time – and surveyed the scene awkwardly, a couple of minor bureaucrats (paid for by the both of them – they could claim expenses later) in tow.

Mayor Mare glanced briefly out of the window. It was still early morning – not much movement from the rest of the town. Ponyville was quiescent – for now.

“Councilor Heartstrings,” the Mayor began emotionlessly, indicating towards a chair at the negotiation table.

“Mayor.” Lyra returned the gesture.

Mayor Mare made sure her interlocutor understood the intent of the Convention. “So, Councilor Heartstrings. We’re here to discuss ending the shutdown of the Ponyville Government.”

The unicorn nodded. “Yes- ”

“Good,” the tan pony moved on. “So first, let’s establish some- “

“- I wasn’t finished,” her counterpart cut across irritably. “I'm thirsty. I need water.”

The tan pony rolled her eyes. “Bean Counter,” she turned towards one of the youngish interns nearby. “Can you go fetch us a glass of wa- “

“It has to be Canterlot Spring Water,” Lyra elaborated. “Like actually from Canterlot. I only drink that.”

The gray-maned mare’s eyes narrowed. “Every hour we waste is an extra hour where Ponyvillians are deprived of basic services, Councilor Heartstrings.”

The unicorn responded with a leer. “Mayor Mare, you do want us to complete these negotiations, right?”

“Yes. I do.”

Lyra smiled and leant back. “Then you need me in top form and in a good mood.”

And that was that.

From the noise from the street it seemed like the Cutie Mark Crusader Partisan Editors had arrived, no doubt setting up their usual stall distributing free copies of the Foal Free Press and a host of other anti-Lyra literature.

Scootaloo’s voice floated upwards into the negotiating room. “Mayor Mare! Don’t despair!” “Lyra Heartstrings: Go, Go, Go! Ponyville says No, No, No!... ”

In response to these salvoes Lyra Heartstrings’ supporters also began ramping up their own political machine. “Mayor Mare! Doesn’t care! Mayor Lyra, always there!... ”

But that was all by-the-by. The real action was still in Meeting Room 1.

The water finally came: pure, cool Canterlot water, cascading down from the snowy caps of the cloud-crowned mountains.

But for the effort it took, the unicorn didn’t look that pleased at all.

“So here’s your water,” Mayor Mare leant forward. “Now can we- “

“Wait a minute,” Lyra held up a hoof. “All that waiting has made me hungry. I need to go out and eat – and after that, I need to write my column for the Express. Contractual obligations.”

The gray-maned mare glared silently at the smug unicorn.

The opposition leader returned it. “Are you trying to threaten me, Mayor?”

Time was beginning to run out as the Sun sank under the horizon.

“You idiots! Why would you support such a racist, corrupt and uncaring politician like Mayor Mare for office!”

“Because Mayor Mare has integrity, you foals! Unlike you slaves, who willingly bow down to whatever Filthy Rich tells you!”

“NOPONY calls me a slave! I served in the Equestrian Army for over twenty years! What have you done besides sit in front of the television and complain about things!”

“See? All the brain-dead supporters of Lyra Heartstrings can come up with is stupid ad equum arguments!...”

Cheers and booing emanating from the ground below as Lyra and Mayor Mare continued with their fruitless labor.

“Actually, reading this statement of intent, I have a few objections that will need to be corrected before proceeding,” Lyra contrived a new excuse blithely. “Firstly, ‘shutdown’ is not a word in the Mareiam-Webster- “

“Alright, Lyra.” Mayor Mare couldn’t stand these delaying tactics anymore. “Why do you hate Ponyville so much? Isn’t it enough that you’ve basically thrown the whole town into chaos? Don’t you care at all about the citizens?”

The unicorn scowled. “Save it. If you really cared, you would have held this Convention long ago and not just before the election.”

I’m holding this now because Twilight just tried to coup Ponyville! “You saw what the citizens of Ponyville were capable of. They were darn close to rioting in the streets had it not been for me!” Mayor Mare’s voice softened into a plea for help. “Please, Lyra. This isn’t just about you or me – it’s about democracy.”

Lyra Heartstrings’ face darkened considerably at the hidden accusation.

“You think you can save democracy, Mayor?” the opposition leader mocked the politician. “I know you. You’d bend down and lick Filthy Rich’s hooves if he even gave the slightest hint about supporting you. When he tried to dispose of me, I got rid of Filly Buster to show him. You don’t have the strength to stand up to the powers-that-be, Mayor. Your actions corrupt democracy.”

Mayor Mare’s ears twitched at this personal insult. Perhaps it was true – admit it, it is true – but the unicorn was deluding herself.

“You won’t be any different, Lyra,” the Mayor said slowly.

“We'll see once you go away. And you will, because,” Lyra drew out a scroll and tossed it over. “I have this.”

One unfurl and the tan pony’s face whitened considerably.

“Oh yes, Mayor. Your last bulwark has abandoned you.”

Mayor Mare exited Town Hall dejected, her tail drooping so low it curled under her legs.

Her supporters were too busy to notice or care. “Citizens!” Scootaloo’s voice rang out to the sound of belligerent roaring and the sound of banging pots and pans. “We see, beyond any doubt, that the supporters of Lyra Heartstrings are nothing more than evil ponies bent on throwing all of us back to the days of Nightmare Moon!”

“Rah! Rah! Rah!” Legions of torches pumping up and down in response, the light glinting and reflecting off the upraised pitchforks and scythes.

Lyra Heartstrings, meanwhile, clambered up onto a nearby soapbox and prepared to work the crowd. “Citizens!” she exclaimed. “Mayor Mare has, once again, refused to compromise with us! We clearly see that she, and her ilk, are intent on throwing Ponyville into a state of constant anarchy!… ”

Even the sonority of the Councilor’s voice was drowned out by the warlike drumming of a thousand batons and clubs striking makeshift shields. “Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!” they chanted, over and over again.

Mayor Mare looked up woefully at the night sky, a chilling melancholy sweeping over her. The chants and screaming – she had failed. There was nothing left for a pony to do.

Only Divine Providence could save Ponyville now.

But all signs were pointing the wrong way. Princess Celestia had abandoned her. Abandoned them.

No. This couldn’t be possible. Come on, Mayor: just because Lyra got an invite doesn’t mean that she’s switched her support…

This isn’t fair! She how could she have done that! Didn’t she realize I was trying so hard – that Ponyville will collapse into civil war if Lyra was elected? How could she be so stupid as to make the switch now?...

Maybe the problem has been that I’ve been communicating less with Her Highness about Ponyville matters? Maybe if I pledge to seek her opinion out more frequently, she would change her mind?...

Oh, I am really trash at this job… even with Iron Will, Twilight and the Apples helping me, I still failed… maybe it’s true, it’s really time to resign and retire…

Well, no point in worrying about it now: what’s done is done, I suppose. Might as well just get over it and figure what to do with the rest of my life.

The key turned. “Cheerilee, I- “

The rest of the sentence died in her throat as she stared at an Equestrian royal.

The Princess Luna ended her conversation with the cherry-maned pony and arose from her chair. “The Lord Mayor of Ponyville,” she observed.

The gray-maned pony hastily prostrated herself on the welcome mat. “Hail to Her Highness!”

The blue alicorn rushed towards the politician. “Arise, Mayor Mare,” she said, extending a hoof in symbolic aid. She looked back at the schoolteacher, who nodded and excused herself.

Princess Luna evidently did not like to beat around the bush. “Matters of a military nature, Lord Mayor. My Sister’s orders.”

Great. More requests. “I shall execute your demands to the letter, Your Highness,” Mayor Mare replied, wondering what actually merited Princess Luna’s visit. This was not a message that required royalty to deliver.

The alicorn noted what the tan pony was thinking. “My Sister has always paid extra-ordinary attention to your fair town.”

Mayor Mare smiled painfully. Also known as ‘Ponyville is slipping into anarchy and I need to ensure that you actually carry out the order’. "We are honored, Your Highness."

“The militia, Mayor Mare. Call up the ponies. Si vis pacem, para bellum.”

“Your Highness. We shall- “ the Mayor’s eyes widened. No. Are we giving those mobs WEAPONS?

“Your Highness… ” the gray-maned mare timidly corrected herself. “May I ask why this order is needed?”

Luna’s eyes flashed dangerously, shades of Nightmare Moon gleaming. “I brook no contravention of orders.”

Mayor Mare gulped. But if the Princesses were thinking of arming the explosive tinderbox that was Ponyville, then the least she could do was argue.

The gray-maned mare prostrated herself to be sure. “Your Highness,” she began, deferentially but firmly. “Civil violence is assured if I raise the militia. If you insist on this action, may I humbly request that you issue it yourself.”

The Princess Luna raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?” she asked. “Is that what the flames in the center of town were about?”

“Yes, Your Highness.” The Mayor continued kneeling. “We are in the midst of a tense political campaign that has gotten very much of out of control.”

“Well!" Luna commented as she passed forth a quick memo. "Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextrae: I now see why my Sister has sent me here. In any case, the explanation. The border guards report a mass migration of animals across our borders. You understand what this means.”

“It means something is out there?”

The Princess of the Night nodded. “Indeed. The scale dwarfs everything we've seen before – at least, anything in your lifetime. Thus we prepare.”

“I see.”

The blue alicorn considered. “But your concerns are valid, Mayor. Stay the militia. I shall send regulars in their stead.”

The Mayor knocked her head several times on the floor. “I thank you, Your Highness.”

“Good. It is done.” The Princess of the Night got Mayor Mare back on her hooves. “Now my second task. My Sister has requested that I communicate this question to you: ‘How is Twilight Sparkle doing?’”

The tan pony’s heart skipped a beat. Oh, by Celestia, she knows…

“…fine, Your Highness.”

Princess Luna frowned. “Interesting. She predicted you would say that. I am then obliged to ask you again: ‘How is Twilight Sparkle doing?’”

She knows.

“Fine, Your Highness.” Mayor Mare repeated firmly. “She merely wants to spend some time in Canterlot, I guess. Nothing special.”

The blue alicorn’s frown only became deeper. “How strange. How odd.”

The bespectacled politician bowed. “The wisdom of Her Highness, Your Highness.”

“Perhaps that should be the conclusion to our conversation, then. I shall send along a division posthaste to Ponyville.”

The Princess turned and gazed up at the silvery Moon, memories of the past flooding back into her. “Ah, conflict, conflict! The only fact that remains true over these thousand years: