//------------------------------//
// 1001 Pandoran Nights 
// Story: Gate Hunters Wanted 
// by Useless Machine 
//------------------------------//

The sounds of footsteps filled the Sanctuary Archives as Tannis viewed the amoeba she was breeding through her microscope. She was still a little pissed, though slightly on edge as Krieg recently entered, carrying Lilith as if she'd break if he twitched the wrong way. That wasn't what Krieg did.

The clopping on the ground, however, marked the second her head shot up from the microscope, her curiosity finally overwhelming what consisted of her common sense as she stared slack-jawed at the walking horses in front of her. Ponies that looked like they came from a cartoon made for six-year olds were not supposed to exist, and she twitched.

Blueblood raised an eyebrow. "What are you staring at, ape?"
Mordecai harshly jabbed him in what he guessed was his shoulder. "That's Doctor Tannis, local scientist. Don't mind her, she's... not good with people."
Tannis let out an "eugh" as a jet of blood fired out of one of her nostrils, the beam of crimson slamming into Blueblood and painting his face with human blood. Blueblood responded by screaming and running out of the building, yelling for water as if his life depended on it. Celestia and Luna were left in shock.
"Like I said, Princesses. Not good with people. Especially with aliens."
"So," intoned Brick, "is Prince Redblood going to come back?"

Celestia managed to suppress a smirk. Luna, being the less-experienced, didn't. Celestia still responded, though. "Yes, as soon as he gets the blood off of his face. Be warned, he's probably just going to teleport in."
Mordecai shrugged. "Princesses, if you'll follow me, I'll take you to the briefing room." He headed up the stairs, Brick following. The two sisters looked at each other, and followed.

Upstairs was apparently some sort of freakish fusion of a few apartment rooms, a small armory, and a briefing area. There were multiple bunks, a couch, and a massive vault, which led into a room with what appeared to be a planning table, surrounded by several of what Celestia guessed were magic screens displaying various different things. She raised an eyebrow when she spotted one with a naked human which had evidently stopped working, but paid it not much mind. Sexuality, she knew, was something that could never be fully suppressed.
Celestia sat on her haunches as Mordecai and Brick took a seat. Blueblood teleported in, looking aghast.

Celestia started the negotiations. "Now, Mr. Mordecai, where to begin?"
"Eh. Might as well preface this with the fact we're not threats. We're armed and dangerous, kill-you-in-an-eyeblink sorta people, but unlike about ninety percent of where we come from, we don't go on murdering sprees. S'what the Crimson Raiders stand for - they stand for actual peace, freedom, and safety on this planet - which we define as "the ability to go out and have a nice walk without being shot in the face by a man without a shirt wearing a gasmask." So. Wherever or whatever the hell this Equestria is, we'll be making sure none of Pandora causes any undue harm to it."
"You see to that," replied Blueblood. Mordecai felt his ire for the blonde-haired stallion go up a bit as he continued. "Alright. Now, Pandora - I will admit, it's a dangerous and violent planet. It's a place where the strong prey on the weak, not exactly the type of planet you go to on vacation. Forty-hour days, decade-long seasons, and animals that wake up from hibernation very, very hungry."
"If I may," interjected Luna, "but why then would you settle there?"
"Because. There were rumors of a Vault left by the Eridians, the last dominant race in that part of the galaxy." At the revelation that this species was intergalactic, the Prince(sses)' eyes widened, but Mordecai continued. "The rumors were always consistent that whoever opened the Vault with its Key would gain treasure beyond their wildest imaginations. Fame, money, power, women, weapons, influence, superpowers - it all varied. Me, Brick, Lilith, and... Roland, were people called Vault Hunters - mercenaries that came to the planet looking to find the Vault."

"So you admit you are hired killers," said Blueblood, "and yet you appear in our backyard and act friendly? What's your game?"
"I have no game. We found the Vault, it contained a giant tentacle monster we killed, and we stayed on Pandora because there was little else to do. And we had our reasons."
"Blueblood," remarked Celestia, as her head swiveled to face him, "if you continue to be undulely hostile, I will evict you from this meeting provided Mr. Mordecai grants permission. I did not bring you here to accuse potential friends of crimes they haven't committed."
"But you heard him, Aunt, they're mercenaries! Privateers! Hired killers! They're no better than..."
He petered out upon seeing Celestia glare at him with a small amount of the Sun's rage. Even Brick winced.

Mordecai decided to follow it up. "Princess Celestia, I grant permission to evict Blueblood provided he proves too troublesome for you to escort."
Brick added onto that with a hefty "And if he refuses to leave, I'll toss him out myself." That cowed Blueblood into not speaking further, though nothing could dissuade his dislike of the Vault Hunters, nor the glare he tossed in their direction.
"Anyways... Pandora was relatively peaceful. Y'know, if you don't count that one zombie infestation in Jakobs Cove we stopped before it spread. Or Atlas trying to reinvade and failing, miserably, mostly due to us. Or the one time all the Claptrap bots rebelled and yet again we stopped it before they got a bit too rowdy. Compared to the absolute shitstorm that flew up around the Vault, those were peanuts. After that we actually did get what counts for peace - which is "no unified bad guys trying to start shit."

"Then," he darkly intoned, "Handsome Jack came."

At the mention of the (disputedly) Handsome one (or asshole, your choice), Mordecai's voice went audibly dark and his tone had enough bile to fill a liter jug. "Bastard was the CEO of the Hyperion corporation, and as it turns out, opening the Vault was making this stuff called Eridium come out of the ground - and he had planned for that. He wanted some sort of fascist paradise where he was the leader and had total control over everything, but he said it was alright, because he was killing "bandits" and bringing "civilization to the wastes." Jack invaded, kicked our asses, and found out about a new Vault that contained an Eridian warrior powerful enough to sterilize the planet. He wanted it. Around then's when the six pendejos you're trusting your kids to follow around showed up - we teamed up, and saved the planet. But Roland died - he got shot in the back by Jack. And so did my bird, Bloodwing."

The expressions on the faces of the Princesses was that of muted sorrow. They were clearly sorry for the losses incurred, but at the same time, had seen so much of it that it didn't really matter to them. Celestia decided to speak. "I'm sorry to hear. Did you beat them?"
"Yeah," nods Mordecai, "even though Jack took control of the Warrior. Vault Hunters took it down. Reason we came here is afterwards, Hyperion started firing shells from orbit."
Luna went nuts. "From orbit? How?"
Mordecai sighed. "It's a long story, but Hyperion built a massive orbital base above Pandora. Base has a cannon right in the middle of it to fire things at Pandora - explosives, supplies, Loaders, you name it, so long as it can survive deorbiting it'll be shot out. And Jack made it look like an H. You know, Hyperion. As if that wasn't enough, it was big enough to be visible in broad daylight, the egotistical bastard."
Luna was practically glued to her seat, and looked as if she wished desperately for some popcorn.
"They fired a shot into Sanctuary which messed with Lilith's abilities - she's a Siren, only six can exist in the universe at any one time, all of them have badass superpowers, et cetera. Lilith can basically shunt herself into another dimension for a short period of time, and if she feeds on enough raw Eridium, she can take a massive amount of space with her - like this city."
Celestia absorbed the info. "And when she exited this fourth dimension, taking Sanctuary with her, it appeared in Equestrian skies.."
"As best I can tell, yes."

There was silence for a few seconds. Everyone there had the best poker faces on the planet, and nobody backed down. Blueblood finally regained enough courage to speak up - to Celestia.
"Alright. Maybe they're telling the truth, but they are hired murderers. You cannot allow them into Equestria in good faith-"
"But they have proven that they fight for something more," rebutted the Princess of the Sun, "or did you miss out on when they said they were Crimson Raiders fighting for freedom, safety, and presumably harmony?"
Blueblood's poker face evaporated. Thoroughly cowed, the prince sat back in his seat.
"With that in mind, while I will not be letting you on soil until we can arrange something, you are free to stay in our lands for the time being."

Mordecai nodded. "Thanks, Princess. Means we don't need to stress Sanctuary's engine any longer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta look after Talon."
"Talon?" Princess Luna stands up. "May I take a look?"
"Eh, why not? Try not to worry if he gets uppity - he hasn't seen anyone like you, so he's probably gonna go a bit psycho until he learns to trust you."
Brick got up and cracked his neck. "I'm off. Nice meeting with you, Princesses. And Blueblood?" The slab of a man leaned into the Prince, who recoiled a bit. Brick's voice turned dark. "You ever try to hurt any of my friends and I'll make damn sure that my fist punches your head off." He headed off to the balcony, leaving Blueblood and Celestia there.
"Your presence is no longer necessary, Blueblood. Return to the surface, address Ponyville, and tell them they are safe."
Blueblood nodded as he teleported off, leaving Celestia a couple of seconds of relaxation. She cherished them. As a Princess she was on-call twelve hours a day, for eternity. She didn't need sleep, of course - she spent an hour at night with Luna strengthening their bonds, and the other eleven offered fooling around of her own volition - but even in her off-time she was still liable to be called on. Despite what the Elements had done, she was currently the unofficial total leader of Equestria.

Nopony really trusted Luna. It would take a generation, maybe two or three, before she would get the kind of workload she did.
You had better be thankful, Lulu. In a hundred years you'll be whining about work. And I'll get to say - no, I should tell her "I told you so" so I can say it.
She got up onto all fours as her ears picked up a bird's cheeps and Luna's indignified squealing. If there was anything the great Princess Celestia knew best, it was how to blackmail your sister.

----

Meanwhile, on foot, the twelve soon-to-be-heroes-of-this-story set off.
"So," asked Applejack, "where's we all headed?"
"Couple of places around Sanctuary," came the Commando's reply. "You'll meet a nice few people, too. They won't hurt you guys or anything, they might just act suspicious."

The first stop on the tour came as they all approached a sign that said "Marcus Munitions." Twilight, being the pony smartsicle, quickly picked up on this. "...Munitions, huh? This is a weapon store?"
Fluttershy shied back a bit as Axton answered, "Yeah. Marcus Munitions LLC, lead by one Marcus Kincaid. All'a you ponies do me a favor. Trust him to give you a good gun, and never trust him for anything else ever, ever."
"Why?" came the question from Pinkie.
"Marcus is in it to get paid. He cares about nothing else, Pinkie," came the response from Zer0.
"Si. Ninja is correct. He once sold a rifle to some chump by suckering him in, saying he was some sort of grand, fabled hero, then sold it to him for ten million dollars." Salvador seemed slightly grumpy. "Pendejo's heart is made of greenbacks."
Rainbow rose a hoof into the air, and around then everyone noticed she was the only currently flying member of the group (though Fluttershy had wings, she didn't seem to prefer taking to the sky). "Pendejo?" she asked, figuring it had to be a swear.
"Asshole."
Ass seemed to mean flank. In which case, Dash had a new swear she could use. "Sweet."
Salvador turned to the others. "See? She is happy learning swears. She is taking to me already."
Maya facepalmed. "Salvador, please stop poisoning their minds."

Rarity finally brought up the obvious question. "Darlings, if I may... why do we need guns? It's not as if we're going on adventures with you, and Equestria is a rather peaceful land - besides the Everfree Forest, which we don't go into often anyways."





Six months later, as Rarity cleaned her Grade IV Maliwan Lucid Vexation, she laughed sharply to herself. "Why do we need guns... heh. I'm just thankful I've never had to use it since."





There was total silence from the rest of the Vault Hunters.
"That's... That's actually a really good point," conceded Gaige. "Hey, Ax, take 'em somewhere that's actually fun!"
"Alright, alright, fine. Pierce Station next, follow the Commando train, toot toot!"

Everyone set off, Krieg raising his buzz axe into the air and nearly scattering the Bearers with his insane cries of "MEAT TRAIN PLOUGHING THROUGH YOUR SQUISHIES! WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Look at that one. The yellow one.
Krieg cast a glance over to Fluttershy, who was currently hiding behind Salvador and staring at her with wide, terrified eyes. She was clearly scared of him.
You spooked her. You have to not do that.
"STOP HITTING MYSELF!" Krieg rammed the buzz axe into his face, earning another quiet yelp, and an internal sigh from his split personality.
I'm a real basket case, aren't I.

A couple of seconds later, everyone arrived at Pierce Station.
"Take a good, hard look, ponies," and I really just said that, didn't I, thought Axton, "this is our one link to Pandora. Welcome to Pierce Station, in honor of one of our former Crimson Lance lieutenants, Helena Pierce. Over there's the Fast Travel station that'll teleport you to various parts of Pandora."
"Really? I wanna try!" Pinkie zipped towards it, earning cries from all of the Vault Hunters somewhere along the lines of "no, Pinkie, do not use the Fast Travel". By the time they were done, she had already teleported off.

The Vault Hunters looked at each other. Salvador stepped forwards. He pulled out a Hyperion Grade V-B Practicable Interfacer and a Maliwan Grade III Expeditious Grog Nozzle, the pistol and shotgun looking tiny compared to the slab that wielded them.
"I will get her back. Give me five minutes." He hit the Fast Travel and disappeared.





Emerging at a teleporter in a massive desert, Pinkie looked around. "Jeepers, this place looks all dry, and arid, and techy." It indeed had the look of somewhere that had faded away fast. The massive desert seemed to have no end, and in the sky was a giant "H". Pinkie wondered who had it. "Ooh, a giant H! Maybe it was Harry's, or Horace's, but who cares about that? This place needs a dose of vitamin par-tay, stat! Then I can figure out who owns the giant floating H in the sky and who their name is!"

Pinkie's eyes scanned the environment, trying to figure out who could help her to party. Her eyes settled on a burrow on the ground. "Ooh! I wonder if it has animals, or people!" Having forgotten her previous mission entirely, the mare zipped on over to the burrow and stuck her head in.

"Hey, guys! Nice place you've got h-OW!" Pulling her head out with an audible pop, an Alpha Skag currently had her head trapped in all three of its jaws and was working to try and crunch it into nothingness, kill the prey, feed.

Not that it stopped Pinkie from looking around. "Why's the world so black? And why does my head feel really heavy?" The skag only then realized it was in the air, and it promptly fell to the ground. "Oh that's why! Hey puppy! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?"
The skag gnawed and bit and yet didn't seem to get through. Roaring, the skag decided that whomever this was was either dead already or not worth the trouble, and let go, to reveal that she was perfectly fine.
"Ooh, that tickled! Do it again!"

The skag bared its teeth, and Pinkie backed up a little, as she finally realized the mortal danger that she was in. And the fact she was bleeding from the head a teensy little bit. Okay, more like a lot. "Easy, boy..."
Around then was when the skag exploded. Massive cracks filled the air as multiple intersecting rounds essentially gutted it, and Pinkie slowly began to realize maybe the thing chewing on her head hurt a bit more than it should.
She fell unconscious, and the last thing she saw was her friend Salvie screaming something.





"SHE'S NOT YOURS!"
By now the Gunzerker was sure he'd woken up the entire skag den, but he didn't care. His new friends were not going to be killed because of stupidity, and to be honest, he found them sort of cute. That alone was reason enough to charge after Pinkie.

He found her somehow surviving having her head bit off by an Alpha Skag, though it didn't look in too good a shape. Oh well. She'd live through the next few minutes, and that was all he needed to exterminate the enemy. As the entire den filed our and roared, Salvador realized they were charging for Pinkie.

They were going to tear her apart. So he did the only thing he could.

With grim resignation, he holstered his weapons, placed two fingers in his mouth, and whistled. The skags looked over, temporarily distracted, as Salvador made sure he had their attention, then gave all of them the middle finger from both hands, torquing his wrists to make sure he pissed all of them off. He wasn't sure how it worked, either, but not like he was complaining.

"ONE VEE ONE ME, SCRUBS!" And with that, Sal grabbed his guns and opened fire. The skags roared and charged as he held the trigger to both the Grog and the Interfacer down. The Grog was a more reserved plasma pistol that fired its strange, alcohol-and-slag infused projectiles, based on the Bunkers and Badasses game that Tina had made. It had been put into production in a remarkably short time after, with Marcus saying it was totally possible.

The health regeneration didn't hurt, either, and the Interfacer was what was dealing the main damage. The shotgun's shells were sucked into the gun, sometimes stopping, sometimes randomly filling back up as Salvador kept up a consistently blazing stream of fire that cascaded in on itself and then flew out in a wave, wiping skag after skag off of this wretched planet with an insane smile on his face.

"SHE SAID BURN!" came the cry from the walking tank as he took a moment to reload his weapons before the stream of shots continued, and somehow sped up unabated as he kept the massive amount of bang going. Within several more seconds the den had been wiped off of the map. He immediately ran over to Pinkie and snapped out of his blood rage, dropping his guns to take out an Insta-Health Vial and jam it into Pinkie's skull.

He only got a glimpse of it, and it was mangled to the point where she was lucky to be alive, but the Insta-Health worked wonders and it began to heal extremely fast. Another Insta-Health followed, and it was like she had never been bit in the first place - the Gunzerker breathed a sigh of relief, picked her up, and promptly got a bone-crushing hug (even by his brawny standards) and so many "thank yous" from her it took him a second to figure out exactly what was being said.

"Those meanies tried to eat me! I'm glad you stopped them!" She finally got to look at the bodies, and gasped.
"You... you killed them."
Salvador nodded. "Si. It was you or them, pink one. I chose you. They are animals-"
"Animals can talk and think for themselves!" Pinkie almost screeched. Salvador blinked.
"...I am guessing in magical ponyland they can? Here, if they can talk and are like us, they sure are not showing it. Please try not to worry about it too much, skags are pests anyways."
Her lip was twitching as she stared at the scene, before Salvador gently put her down. "They eat almost everything on sight, pink one. They have eaten guns. They will eat rocks. I have seen one eat a live grenade. They have no qualms against killing, at all. I did it to defend you. Please understand."
Pinkie nodded. Her hair seemed... well, still puffy, but a bit less puffy than it did before. She seemed to get why he had done it.

"Come on, pink one. We should go to Sanctuary, si? There is still a tour to finish."
"Yeah. Right!" Pinkie seemed to brighten a little bit at that fact, and the two of them headed back to the Fast Travel station, before Pinkie took a hard look at Salvador.
"Pink one, ple-"
"You forgot your guns! Over there!"
Salvador turned around, and looked at the ECHO light trails coming from his Grog and his Interfacer. Swearing under his breath, he nodded. "Go to Sanctuary. I will be there shortly." He quietly patted Pinkie on the head before setting off.
Pinkie nodded, slammed her head into the fast travel, and screamed a "Wheeeeeeeeeee~" as she teleported off.





By the time Salvador had got back Rainbow Dash was hailing him as a badass supreme, and the Bearers were half-fussing over the entirely okay but slightly shaken Pinkie and half-congratulating Salvador for bring back one of their own. All he had to say was "And don't go out there again, because next time I will send Krieg to bring you back!" That quietened down anyone.

Axton looked over his crew. "Pandora, as your friend Pinkie and my friend Salvador just demonstrated, is a damn dangerous place. The blood on her there proved it, and I'd rather you don't go there again. We don't like having to pull people's asses out of fires - we're better at throwing them in, heh." Dark looks cast across Axton for a second. "Alright alright dark humor doesn't work, c'mon, more spots!"

The Commando took the group out, the rest of the Vault Hunters following along behind, as they came across a sign that said "HOSTEL". Axton pointed to it. "That's Crazy Earl's Black Market. Not as black as you'd think - everyone goes there, but it spread by word of mouth because Crazy Earl is crazy and paranoid. He only takes Eridium - you know, the stuff that comes out of the ground here - and he deals in Storage Decks, what we use to carry our firearms and other such things, giving us upgrades for 'em. Simple stuff, next place'll be better."

Twilight nodded as they moved on. "Uh, Axton," she asked, testing out the name, "how exactly does a Storage Deck work?"
Axton was silent as he walked. "Hell if I know. Spacefuture magic shit. It's just really convenient and I'd rather not question it."
"But that's not the scientific method!"
"Dammit, Twilight, I'm a Commando, not a scientist!"
That shut Twilight up, and she mutely nodded as Axton let the gaggle onto the next location. Thumping electronic music poured out from it, as did a lot of people. Inside, a lot of beer and sex poured out, not that it was visible from where they were currently standing, but the stenches carried. Muzzles scrunched as the Vault Hunters stared in rapture at their one rest spot.

"Welcome to Moxxi's Red Light. Local bar, and fast food place, perfect for relaxing after a night of kicking ass."
Applejack sniffed once. "S'that sex, partner?"
Salvador shrugged in response. "It happens. You will just need to get used to it, Stetson."
"Oh, really, are ya namin' us after-"
"Yes." Salvador sagely nodded. "Whatever you are guessing was probably right. Get used to it."
Applejack only huffed as Axton noted the looks on their faces. "...Not really excited about the whole "Red Light" thing, huh. Well, there's other places to go. C'mon, I'll lead ya to the few other landmarks in this town. Still, any of you feel like kicking back with a cold glass of rakk ale and a pizza after you just punchsploded a flying tank, Red Light's the place." Axton immediately began moving away from the Red Light, everyone else shifting to follow. As they passed the Sanctuary Bounty Board, Twilight was surprised to note that they were only getting short glances and not much more attention than anyone else. She figured it was a Vault Hunter thing. Or the fact that the Vault Hunters were their escorts.

They ducked down a pair of steps and turned another right afterwards, emerging near a large warehouse. "Alright. Over there is Scooter's Garage. Now, Scooter means well, but he's kinda... screwed in the head and not at all good at being subtle, so..."
Before Axton could even think to move on, there was a cry from the door. And it sounded suspiciously like "OH MY GOD AN ACTUAL UNICORN AND THERE'S TWO OF THEM DAMN VAULT HUNTERS YOU MAKE MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN!" Scooter ran out of his garage, wrench dropping onto the concrete below as he ran towards the group.
Maya facepalmed. "Scooter, were you there for the town address, because I'm pretty sure they made their presence-"
Pinkie, ever the socializer, had already darted out of the crowd and soared to Scooter. "I'm not a unicorn, could become one, though, just need a horn!"
"Smokin' Jesus titty cinnamon you little fellas are cute!"
"And awesome!" piped Rainbow Dash, before something (hand or Applejack's mouth, probably both) forced her back down.
Pinkie studied Scooter for about half a second, give or take about ten picoseconds, before spouting, "Wait, are you a mechanic?"
"I sure am, talkin' pink horse!"
"Pony! My name's Pinkie Pie nice to meet you Scooter!" Pinkie shot out her foreleg and shook with the speed of a vibrator set to "max". The strangest part, though, was that Scooter responded in kind and didn't seem fazed.

At this point the Bearers and Hunters were just staring wildly as Scooter and Pinkie seemed to convene, each speaking a mile a minute in some sort of superfast language that had no translation simply because there's no machine that could slow it down enough to translate it. Not without the pitch falling so low it became unintelligible.
"Dear Celestia I think we lost her," uttered Rarity.
"You and me both," replied Gaige.

After several seconds Pinkie nodded and returned to the group, hopping with an audible sproing in her step. Maya sprung a nosebleed from thinking too hard upon the sound hitting her brain.
Twilight stepped forwards. "Pinkie... what were you even talking about?"
"Oh, just getting to know him! He says he's trying to build something called Badassasaurus Two and I asked if I could help and he said yes and-"
Axton coughed as politely as he could manage, and Pinkie turned to him. "Oh. Right. Tour! Where next?
"Dr. Zed's 24/7 Clinic." As the group walked up the stairs, Axton began to speak. "It's obviously not the best place in town, and Zed - he's a good man, but a bad doctor. But the place has enough Insta-Health to fix any wounds you might get, so if you get really badly hurt you're probably gonna get carried in there. Might as well take you to meet him - Zed's a bit... crazed with some mad scientist stuff, but he's not all that bad."
Applejack snorted. "Sure sounds like you, Twilight."
"Hey!" Twilight pawed the ground on one of her steps. "I'll have you know I only did the one mad science experiment!"
"You still kinda blew up half of Ponyville," chimed in Rainbow Dash.
Salvador finally butted in. "Zed's experiment made a man-spider and flying skags. Whatever you did..." His brain, at that precise second, parsed the words "up" and "blew". "...okay, that is about as bad. Nevermind." Twilight growled as everyone finally decided to cut her some slack.

Opening the door with a twist of his hand, Axton led them into the clinic. It wasn't exactly the cleanest or most sanitary place - even Applejack wrinkled her nose at the aggressive smell that assaulted them. Fluttershy quietly found a nearby cardboard box, removed the smaller, yellow box from inside it, and proceeded to vomit into it; when Rainbow Dash heard it she flew over to her friend and held her hair back with her mouth. Doctor Zed turned around, and immediately noticed the disgusted looks on the faces of four of the occupants.
"Oh! Hi there. Apologies about the state of this place, but... antiseptic is impossible to come by. I'm fairly certain Sanctuary is lucky it has surgical equipment or drugs in the first place."
Twilight was the first to launch. "You call this a clinic? This is more unsanitary than drinking water fresh from a bog, and I don't even have to drink water in the first place! I feel like if any other part of me contacts any other part of this place I'll contract necrotizing fascitis!"
"Well, for most war wounds that's why Insta-Health Vials exist. Just grab one from a machine after paying the money - freshly digistructed, free of anything that might cause you to die a horribly messy death, and guaranteed to heal you up. Unlike me, Mister No Medical License."

You could practically hear the steam leaking out of Twilight's ears as she began to prepare a stun spell to make this quack shut up. Unfortunately, a hand gripped her horn - hard. The suddenness of it stopped any train of thought she would have had cold, and she ripped her horn out of the grip (a smidgen of pleasure no not now) and turned to face who had done it.
Zer0, with a clear-as-day WTF BRO emblazoned across his faceplate, returned his hand to his side, unaware of what he'd just done.
"Twilight, calm yourself. He is not a doctor, true, but he's close enough."
Twilight snorted. "Let's just ignore the fact you touched my horn - which in this case is kind of like a... um... you know..." She began to wildly gesticulate, trying to get at something that perplexed the ninja-assassin as his faceplate projected a red ?. It seemed Gaige, however, was able to translate. After several seconds of staring with her prosthetic hand scratching her chin she raised it on reflex. "Oh! Oh! I think she's trying to say it's sort of like a dick!"
Twilight immediately blushed and lowered her head. Zer0, on the other hand, looked at his hand and frantically looked around, his faceplate emitting a red EW EW EW EW as he immediately rubbed it off on Salvador's shoulder. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Gaige, and Axton lost themselves in laughter, whereas Maya and Rarity merely smirked, and Salvador shoved Zer0 as roughly as he could have, muttering something about "gringo ninja robots rubbing me".

To break the awkwardness, Zer0 composed himself and then spoke. "Sorry for the bad touch, but Zed is the best we have. No other doctors."
Twilight stared at Zer0 in disbelief, the blush quickly draining from her face at the more serious prospect being put forwards. "You... you're serious?"
Zer0 sagely nodded, and Twilight turned around.
"Apologies, Zed, but I still think this place could use a bit of a clean-up. Hay, even a sponge and water would do wonders for this..."
She surveyed the bloody clinic.
"...place."
Zed nodded as he cleaned off his buzz axe. "Well, I figured if you can't get it clean with antiseptic you ain't cleanin' it right. But... the way you put it I might save a few extra lives keeping this place tidy. God, I hate being proven wrong. Thanks, Miss..."
"Twilight Sparkle."'
"Yes, Twilight, thank you. I'll put a want ad on the Bounty Board immediately. So. Any reason you're here to show other than to show your newfound friends around my doctor's office?"
Axton spoke up. "Actually, that's... kinda it. And I think we've seen enough, judging one of our number's down for the count with a case of "weak stomach". So we'll be heading out. I was just showing the new arrivals around Sanctuary."
Zed nodded. "Ah. Have fun with that."

The six stopped momentarily outside of the clinic, where Rarity had proceeded to pull a handkerchief out of seemingly nowhere and was wiping Fluttershy's face with it.
"It's okay, Fluttershy. Not everyone's used to seeing... that. Hay, I'm not." Rainbow Dash was valiant in attempting to console Fluttershy.
"I suppose. I hope nobody needs to use this."
Zer0, in the meanwhile, walked over in a rather aloof fashion. He inspected the site around the vomit-filled box and found the smaller, yellow box on the ground next to said impromptu bile disposal. It was a Hyperion container, carrying universal pistol ammunition. He immediately picked it up and swiped it over his leg, the Storage Deck atomizing it and storing it. "There. Ammo."
Twilight, ever inquisitive, tapped a hoof on the ground. "...what, for your guns?"
"Sure!" rang a new voice, that was decidedly not any of the group. "Guns on Pandora don't have infinite ammo - besides Vladof's Infinity. So most firearms need backup ammunition for when their magazines run out!"

At the tone of the new voice it seemed all of the Vault Hunters sighed. Even Krieg seemed to show annoyance beyond his usual deadly leer, and a wedge-shaped robot wheeled on in. "Huh! Actual ponies! And you can talk! That's amazing!"
Rarity took a look at Claptrap, who was shorter than even ponies were (not by much, though - the antenna made him taller). "I fail to see how it is."
"Looking through my database of confirmed alien species, none are quadrupeds! All have some form of opposable appendage, as well as at least two limbs for walking and two limbs for grasping! The fact you even exist is a mathematical and evolutionary anomaly!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "No, it's not. We have magic, see?" She levitated the cardboard box from earlier, and a pale yellow liquid dripped out of it. Claptrap studied it for a moment.
"I thought horses didn't have a gag reflex, but clearly they're able to vomit, too!"
"Goes to show," responded Twilight, dropping the box, "that we're not your average 'horses'."
"Figures. Anyways, how are you all! I am a CL4P-TP general service bot, but what friends I would have had would call me Claptrap!"
"WAIT!" Pinkie's cry seemed to stop all of existence for a moment as her neck temporarily stretched out to a degree Mr. Fantastic would have trouble processing, before she somehow ran so fast over to Claptrap that Maya was fairly sure she teleported. "You... you have no friends!"
"Nope! Just 'cause they ain't cool enough for the Clap, baby!"
The Vault Hunters (besides Krieg) sniggered, except for Zer0, who uttered a low but no less amused "Hee."
"Uh... not sure if it exists here, but isn't the Clap a name for a sexually transmitted disease?" asked Twilight.
"Indeed," replied Maya. "Chlamydia. Not that we don't have a cure for it, but I doubt you'd find one here."
Pinkie, meanwhile, was slowly edging away from Claptrap. "Like I was gonna say before Debbie Downer here stepped in with her facts, I'd be willing to be your friend! At a distance!"
"BOO-YAH!" Claptrap jumped on its single wheel. "I actually have a friend! This... this is amazing! Gimme five!"
Pinkie looked around. "I... Kindadontwannasorrybye!" And she was off.
Claptrap seemed as if he was standing there awkwardly, despite the fact he had naught legs, but a wheel. "...was it something I said?"
Twilight nodded. "Yeah."

Claptrap seemed to fall a bit, and at that Axton spoke up. "Hey, Clappy, don't worry, she probably just headed off to get some rub-"
Pinkie seemed to zip back in. "NOIDIDNT!" With that hastily screamed she left. And with Pinkie leaving, Claptrap turned around and headed back to his cubbyhole.
"I... kinda feel a bit sorry for him," commented Twilight.
Axton shrugged. "Don't. Claptrap's an, uh... what did you say, Maya?"
"Egotistical insensitive jerk of a robot, why?"
"Yeah. An egotistical, insensitive jerk. Trust us - he's kind of an asshole. Like, a really, really huge asshole."
Rainbow Dash seemed to perk up. "He's a pendejo?"
"Si," replied Salvador. "A miserable pendejo, but a pendejo."
Axton nodded in agreement as the twelve headed back towards Raider HQ. "So. There you are. Sanctuary. How'dya like the place?"

Several different pairs of eyes looked towards each other as the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, suddenly off-put by the attention from the six hardened Vault Hunters, as they immediately raced to form an opinion.
"It's, uh..." began Twilight.
Pinkie bounced up into the air. "Fun!" Then she deflated a bit. "Kinda."
"A little... dirtier than I expected," commented Rarity as she tried to dust a hoof off on a nearby surface dirtier than she was, "but... okay?"
Applejack had to take a couple of seconds to think. "Uh... it's... pretty..."
That was around the time Gaige held her prosthetic hand up. "Alright, we get it. It's not the best city, but hell, on Pandora it's the safest place we have. Not sure where you guys come from, but if it's anything like Eden-5 then... yeah."
"No hard feelings," added Salvador. "It does hurt, but in the end I am happy with my lot. It is better than what I have seen."
"WHY'D YOU STOP?" asked Krieg, for no real reason.
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds before Axton coughed. "Uh... we should really get going, uh... might wanna see what those Princesses of yours think about us, huh?"
With multiple hasty words of agreement, our soon-to-be-but-not-quite-yet heroes trudged off towards Sanctuary Archives.