"Once upon a time in the magical lands of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her Alicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus the two sisters maintained balance with their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies. But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night. One fateful day, the younger refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn, causing entire ecosystems to fail and bringing about a state of immense screwiness to the entire world. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitchiness in the young ones heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon! She vowed she would shroud the land in eternal night, regardless of the fact it would eventually lead to the death of everyone. The elder sister eventually got fed up with this crap and drop kicked her younger sister so hard she flew into the moon she was so obsessed with. After that, the elder sister just sorta let the moon do it's own thing and controlled the sun like normal," read the lavender unicorn,Twilight Sparkle, "And that Spike, is why you sometimes see the moon during the day and sometimes during the night."
Halfway across the library strewn with the fruits of Twilight's research (only one of which was an actual fruit), Spike woke up from his rant-induced nap and retorted, "Twilight, I just asked if you could have werewolves in the middle of the day. I don't need a basic history lesson! I live in a library for Celestia's sake!"
"S-sorry, I do get carried away sometimes don't I..."
At this precise moment, the doors were thrown open by a certain princess of the sun who totally hadn't been waiting outside for the last hour waiting for the perfect moment to make a dramatic entrance who said, "Yes Twilight, yes you do. In fact, you've become such a book nerd that I've decided to send you to a town as far away from the Canterlot Laboratories as possible so that you'll make some friends. Seriously your lack of social interaction is unhealthy. You've read all our books on psychology, calculate the odds of you shooting up the palace one day!"
"Assuming i live to the average life expectancy of a unicorn, precisely 78.3236759%, I mean I don't have a problem! Besides, I'm your number one researcher! Without me here, how is pony society going to progress?"
"Honestly Twilight, your work in this room alone could keep researchers busy for the next two centuries. You created a fruit that grows at a rate that you can eat it and it'll never disappear! That alone solved our nation's food shortage, and we still have no idea how you did it!"
"I just reversed the polarity of the neutron flows so that it would be free of the temporal force field."
"Like I said, no idea! Look Twilight, you're the best student I've ever had, and I worry about you. I could order my guards to tie you up and dump you in Ponyville, but could you please do this as a favor to your mentor?"
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When the guards unceremoniously dumped Twilight's purple plot in the middle of Ponyville square, she screamed at them, "I read a book once on how to kill someone in the slowest and most painful way possible! Now take me back to Canterlot unless you want me to shove it up your ass!"
Twilight's brother Shining armor walked up to the fuming Twilight and placed a hoof on her shoulder, "Twily, we're just acting on orders from the pricess-"
Twilight summoned a powerful blast of magic to bitch-slap her bbff into a nearby bakery, "DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME TWILY YOU BACKSTABBING DOG OF THE MILITARY!!!" As the dust from the impact cleared, a certain pink party pony stood with a certain party cannon aimed at a certain lavender unicorn. (yes I'm certain of this)
A low growl emanated from the new challenger's throat as she uttered words in a tone that could have made a manticore run in fear, "No one, and I mean NO ONE, FUCKS WITH SUGAR CUBE CORNER! I HOPE YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF CONFETTI AT MACH 69! I mean... I HOPE YOU DON'T LIKE IT CUZ YOU'RE GONNA BE TASTING IT AND YOU SUCK!"
Backing down in the face of this terrifying mare bent for revenge, Twilight managed to sputter out, "I'llfixthestoreI'mgoodatmagicI'mCelestia'spersonalstudentShinywakeuppleasedon'tkillmeeeeee" before bursting into tears.
Perking up immediately, Pinkie said, "You can fix the place? Well why didn't you say so! That means we can have a Grand-Reopening-Party and a Welcome-to-Ponyville-Party at the same freaking time! Not to mention the Happy-1000th-Summer-Sun-Celebrat-"
Instead of sticking around so see how many other types of parties the seemingly insane earth pony could think of, Twilight slowly backed away from the scene and made a break for the edge of town as soon as she was out of sight of the guards.
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Before long, Twilight came across a large apple grove. How did she do this in the space of only 7 hyphens you ask? I dunno, maybe she cast haste on herself or something. Anyway, at the grove's center sat a large, red barn that Twilight judged she could hide in until the guards stopped looking for her. Coming out of her cover in a bush, she made a break for the barn. She was almost there when an orange earth pony stepped into her path and greeted in her country drawl, "Well howdy there partner! What can I do ya for?"
Remembering her book, How to Become a Great Liar in Five Easy Steps for Eggheads, Twilight quickly came up with a plausible story, "I, uh... I was sent here by Princess Celestia to oversee the Thousandth Summer Sun Celebration, and my notes say you were put in charge of the food. I came here to che-"
"Celestia chose us to cater the Summer Sun Celebration? Woo, wheey! Come inside and celebrate with us!"
Before Twilight could object, she was whisked inside to experience the full force of the famous Apple Family Hospitality.
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Three apple strudels and a barrel of cider later, Twilight stumbled drunkenly out of the Apple Family Barn towards town. She recalled vaguely that she needed to get back to Canterlot for some reason, and the one thing that she could remember about that place was how it was filled with rich, snooty nobles. If she was gonna go back there, she was gonna need some fancy, new duds! Man, the nobles would never accept her if she was- covered in mud? Somehow she had gone from walking down the street to lying face-first in a pool of mud covered in the cyan flank of some random pegasus. "Hay, whach wheir your goin!" Twilight slurred with spelling that would disgust her sober self.
"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry!" blurted out the pegasus in question who quickly fetched a rain cloud to rinse off the flushed fugative.
"Yew shud bee sahry! Luk aht dis skie! Aaaargn't yew ah weathar pawny oar sumptin? Ah bett yew twernty bits yew cudn't clere dis skie een tehn secunds flaht!"
In reality, the sky was already clear and Twilight was just so drunk she didn't know that the only cloud within a 5 mile radius was the one that had been used to wash her off, so Rainbow Dash, not above taking bits from an obviously plastered stranger, kicked the cloud above Twilight causing it to dissipate instantly.
"Dat wuz amazin! Ah aughta tehl mah frand Soarin ov da Wunderbolts abut you're spede!"
Appearing immediately next to Twilight in a chromatic flash, Rainbow Dash shook the befuddled unicorn sober, "Did you say you know Soarin?"
"Yeah he was my neighbor growing up. He went on to join the Wonderbolts and I became Celestia's personal student, but he still owes me a favor or tw- Are you ok???" Twilight looked down at the now unconscious pegasus with a great deal of concern, "uh, step one, check for pulse!" Twilight found that the pegasus indeed still had a heartbeat. "Ok, um, get immediate medical attention!" Twilight grabbed the pegasus's limp body in her magic and ran into the nearest building.
The first person Twilight saw upon entering was an alabaster unicorn who's face reflected the sheer horror that was the only reasonable response to having a stranger kick in the door while holding the limp body of one of your closest friends. "This mare needs medical attention! I was talking to her and she suddenly passed out!"
"What did you say to her?"
"Well I told her I knew Soarin of the Wonderbolts for a longer time than I've been Celestia's personal student."
"Celestia's personal student? THERE'S ROYALTY IN MY SHOP???"
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Fluttershy looked in horror at the most terrifying thing she had ever seen. A crazed unicorn had just kicked in the door to her cottage carrying the limp bodies of two of her friends screaming something about needing medical attention.
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Twilight was now carrying three unconscious ponies, which was a pretty bad strategy for someone who thought they were on the run from the fuzz. Twilight decided to duck into an alleyway and dump the bodies, hoping they wouldn't remember her when they woke up. Unfortunately, when she entered the alley, she was jumped by Pinkie.
"Twilight, we need to prepare!"
"Prepare for what and how do you know my name?"
"I don't have time to explain! My Pinkie Sense tells me a major story event is about to happen!"
"...What does that even mean?..."
At this moment Applejack ran into the alley to join the other main characters, "Pinkie I came as soon as I got your message about the tail twitch, leg kick, leg kick, hair fuzzle, eye twitch! Do you have any idea what the story event is gonna be?"
"No, but something is wrong. Very wrong. Introducing Shining Armor is the first episode wrong. Applejack, I'm sorry to say this, but I'm afraid we're in-
A FANFIC!
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