//------------------------------//
// Episode 1: Friendathon 5000 [part 1] 
// Story: My Little Pony: Lernin' 'Bout Frends 
// by FenDingo 
//------------------------------//

In the beginning was the ponies; and the ponies was with god; and the ponies was god. They was in the beginning with god.

[Yes, we're starting like this.]

The ponies were two and were called 'Celestia' [yep, like the stars] and 'Luna' [that's Latin for moon-horse]. Respectively, they pulled the sun and the moon across the sky respectively through the day and the night.

The ponies didn't do anything else, like make the planet or the sea. They weren't actually in the beginning... nor were they with god. Actually, come to think of it, there might not have been a god at all; we don't really know at this point... so... yeah. Anyway, this is where the story begins: with Luna being mad and alone due to everyone being asleep at night. All the time. What? No, there were never any late night parties! No, you couldn't stay up all night to finish an essay you should've done at least two weeks ago! This is Equestria; when it gets dark you go to damn well bed! No exceptions.

Luna will soon rebel. But first, lets visit Twilight Sparkle, who is on her way to 'Poney Island'.

“Well Spike, my purple, green hair and mane'd, 2 ft 1 baby dragon, we're on our way to Poney Island! Aren't you excited?!” exclaimed Twilight descriptively as they soared through the air in one of Celestia's slave-drawn magic sleighs. 
“I thought you said we were going to PonyWorld- Equestria's only horse-themed amusement park. You know it's my favourite because I can relate to it.” dejected Spike.
“Wow, really?” sarcasmed Twilight, “I can't believe I honestly got away with that, I mean, why did you think I took all my stuff?” she laughed [at Spike].
“I... I thought- well, hoped we... might be living at the amusement park(?)” Spike trailed off.
“Haha, nah, we're living in Poney Island. Celestia told me it has an awesome beach. Funny I never heard about it before!” said Twilight, “As I've always said; I'll never move anywhere that's not close to a beach”.

The sleigh flew low over a little village. It was in the middle of nowhere; just fields as far as the eye could see. It started to slow and descend.
“What are you doing..? We don't stop here.” quoted Twilight. The petrified slave ponies said nothing but continued to lose altitude and speed. In the town of Ponyville, all the fillies looked up at once, sure it was the second coming of Santa Hooves. Above [but not by much] the town of Ponyville, Twilight's blank expression slowly resolved to horror as she realised that this was the final destination. Where was the beach?! She repeated her quote, louder and slower, in case the driving ponies hadn't heard, or hadn't seen the David Lynch film. They came to land on a wide road at the edge of the village.
“Where's Poney Island? Where's my beach? How will I study magic without my beach?!” Twilight panicked to Spike, who coughed up a parchment from Celestia. He read the letter:

Deer Twiliht,

Im sry 4 lieing 2u bout poney island. Ive snet u to poneyvil 2 studdy frendship. My sisters reterning and their isnt much tiem. U need 2 lvl up ur madjic by lernin bout frends so u can fite her off with the frends youll maek.

Senseerly,
Celetsia


“How did you manage to read that?” Twilight asked Spike, looking at the parchment over his shoulder, “and, more importantly, how the hell am I going to make friends? I only have time for studying and World of Warcraft.”
Spike replied, “Well; you're gonna have to go outside. And make friends. Which reminds me: why do you want to live near a beach? You're a shut-in!”
“Well... I can change- start anew- be who I want to be!”
“A level 80 Wizard?” interjected Spike.
“What? Well, yeah... I suppose.” Twilight looked genuinely sad but before Spike could comfort her, a pink pony came skipping down the road, freezing as it saw the massive pony-drawn sleigh. Twilight was standing a few metres away, staring at her staring at the massive sleigh. All of a sudden, the pink pony went off:
It bounced, it screamed, it fired out sentences like a machine gun. It whistled, it sang, it pranced, it laughed and it cried. Twilight looked on in horror as the pink pony assumed every possible state. It jumped and rolled and stopped and darted; circling Twilight and Spike along with their sleigh. They were trapped. Twilight threw four-letter words into the air- directed at Celestia; with her lies and her stupid, atrocious spelling.

After 10 minutes, Twilight was in fetal position. Spike was semi-conscious lying in a pool of his own and Twilight's vomit. An orange pony had seen the scene and was rushing over to it. She was shouting “Pinkie! Hey, Pinkie!!”. The jiving pink pony stopped circling. As the pony jove on the spot, the orange pony leaned in to inform Pinkie in a hushed and suspicious tone: “It's a good size. But do you have it in blue.” And the horror stopped. Twilight got up; fine, apparently, and asked “What was that? How did you stop it? Some sort of code?”
The orange pony replied, “Code? Nah, you can say anything really, so long as it sounds clandestine and premeditated. I don't know how it works or how I found out, so don't go askin' me!”
Twilight looked at both ponies, ill at ease. The orange one broke the silence, “Well anyways, my name's Applejack! How do ya do?”
“Oh... I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I run this place.” she replied, apropos of nothing.
“Well, you look a might bit shook up, Twilight Sparkle, what do ya say we head on over to the Apple Ranch and fix ya a bite to eat?” said Spike. Not really, it was Applejack of course; that's why I shoe-horned in all the southern-US idioms and colloquialisms. Nah, Spike was still lying in the pool of assorted vomits, waiting for someone to remember him. It didn't happen and he was left to ride over to the Apple Ranch alone in the sleigh, wiping himself clean with Twilight's books.
When he got there, he had the captive pulling-ponies dump Twilight's stuff in a pile before dismissing them and heading in. He found Twilight at the head of a line of what was certainly Applejack's entire family; one by one taking a swing at twilight with an array of comically chosen weapons, increasing in hilarity as the line went on. When the last pony [funniest of all: an elderly green pony with a working example of the Fat Man] had finished her loud and explosive business, Spike asked what was going on; through tears of laughter. Twilight scowled at him from under a cartoonish dusting of soot but replied, “I'm being introduced to Applejack's family; I thought they would be good, honest folk but when all 40 of them piled out of a tiny car, I knew they'd be nothing but trouble.”
“Hey, now don't ya go saying anything bad about my family, Twilight. They're helping me through my rough patch. Ya see, a new business has just set up shop right next to my stall at the Ponyville market. The stinkin' 'Windows Bros.' are running me outta business!” Applejack said.
Twilight looked bemused. “I... don't get it...”
“Why not?”
“I... just don't see why a Windows business would be bad for your Apple business.”
“Well,” explained Applejack, “We sell a very similar product- why would you buy an apple when you could buy windows?”
“Err...” Twilight decided to leave it for now. She was just happy that the pink nightmare was still out of action. Twilight and Spike ended up staying for some apple-based food. Twilight was feeling ill due to the maniacal stares from each of Applejack's extended-family members. She tried downing a glass of gin to calm her nerves but Applejack took it as a competition, drinking way too much; covering spike in a shower of vomit.
Twilight laughed; this had put her in better spirits and she felt more at ease. “You know, we could be friends,” she hazarded. Applejack nodded while Twilight proffered a clipboard: on the document was written at the top: 'I certify that I consider Twilight Sparkle a friend' and had 5 blank lines underneath. Applejack glanced at it quickly before signing; the Amity Agreement Forms were standard protocol in Ponyville, as they were everywhere within the Greater Dictatorship of Equestria. After a meaning-pregnant string of nonsense from Applejack, Pinkie Pie also signed. Twilight had a look on her face reminiscent of a Pokémon Trainer who had just, by dumb luck, managed to catch 2 Abras on full health with standard Pokéballs.