Broken (Mulberry Guardian 4, Brown Guardian 1)
Waiting. Of all the virtues she didn’t possess why did it have to be it waiting again?
The room was empty except for herself, a lonely row of cushions matching the colour of the curtains, waiting to be used. The pictures of happy ponies lining the otherwise blank walls did nothing to calm down the pacing mare. Neither did the huge cactus in the corner nor the apparently partly hoof-woven red blue carpet.
A single sound-proofed door stood between her and the filly talking behind it, but that alone was not what was troubling her. Her own fantasy was.
Scootaloo hadn’t done anything to nurture the nagging fears eating away at her sanity. Something deep inside her was feeding them, chipping away logic and reason.
Scootaloo wanted to live with her. The filly wanted to stay in Ponyville. She would not wish for anypony else.
But still, the mystery of what was going on inside forced her to go round in circles, literally and mentally, painting images of different futures she would never see her number one fan in.
What was even worse than the thoughts of Scootaloo not wanting her was the idea of her ward needing her, but not being able to help her. What if she was deemed an unfit parent?
So much was at stake, so much out of her direct control. Why couldn’t she be any better?
A cyan hoof came crashing to the wall, splintering thin wood that cut into flesh, but Rainbow didn’t mind at all. She didn’t care that the waiting room was now joined to reception area in more than one way. What mattered was the little pegasus. The one she wanted to help more than she was able to.
Just why could she never live up to her own expectations?
She retracted her right hoof again, sending even more fragments onto the otherwise spotless carpet. Her hoof was more red than cyan. It seemed like she would have to pay for more than just to repair the hoof-sized hole the wall. Maybe one of her friends would know of a good blood detergent that left the fabric intact.
The rising volume of voices behind her told her that the door of her desires had been opened, yielding what she had longed for, but at the worst possible of times. Always go for the best first impression, Rainbow thought, turning around in one swift motion, hiding the hole as well as in any way possible and tugging her hoof behind her in an unnatural pose.
Well done, Dash. Well Done. Just how could she be that stupid?
“Hey, how did it go?” Rainbow greeted to orange pegasus running towards her, faking a normal expression to the best of her abilities.
“I like Dr Staple. He gave me cookies and I told him how much you helped me and that I want to live with you.” Scootaloo stood in front of her protector like a puppy waiting for a treat, the missing wiggling tail supplemented by fast wings.
“That was very kind of you. Then it’s now up to me to finalize that decision.” Rainbow hoped that no pony noticed that she awkwardly used her left hoof to ruffle up the filly’s mane as usual. “You can go play outside if you promise me to stay within shouting distance.”
“I will!” Scootaloo was already out of the door, too fast for Dash to say another word.
“I will be waiting inside for you Ms Dash,” the brown earth pony waiting in the doorframe said. “Whenever you feel ready.”
He turned back inside, followed by Rainbow flying to avoid putting weight on her hoof and dispersing even more stains through the praxis. When she put her hoof under her armpit she could almost stop the bleeding, but more importantly she could hide it.
Against all clichés, the treatment room did not contain an ottoman, but rather a set of very comfy looking armchairs in a very subtle shade of red, in one of which Dr Staple was already sitting. A small table separated all of them, offering a small variety of drinks and small baked goods. The flickering light of a fire burning at the side gave the room a very homely touch.
Rainbow chose the seating directly opposite the doctor, pressing down extra hard on her wounds despite the pain. The upholstery looked pretty expensive.
“Please, call me Rainbow,” she started, forcing a smile.
“OK Rainbow. I am Candid for you then.” He opened up the blue notepad that had rested on a small oaken shelf next to his chair. “How do you feel, Rainbow?”
“Anxious... scared...worried...” Rainbow looked down to the floor. She couldn’t face the psychologist. Not while her mouth was acting without her brain. She had failed Scootaloo for sure now.
“And why is that?” the Doctor leaned forward in a slow gesture, resting his head on a hoof.
“Because I don’t want to lose Scootaloo.” Dash brought herself to look up again. “Did you like the filly?”
“She was sweet and we got along very well. So, yes.” He sat back again, moving the now free hoof to his temple.
“I would like her to see a psychologist about her past and I was wondering if you wanted to do it.” Rainbow ran her barely free hoof through her colourful mane, lowering her head to manage without reducing the pressure on her veins.
“I would have asked you for exactly the same thing later on, but let’s not talk about her. Right now I am more concerned about you. Don’t you want to put a bandage on your hoof? That sure looks nasty.” He produced a first aid kit from one of the drawer.
“So you noticed,” Rainbow cooed.
“I am not blind, Rainbow. I’ve seen the hole in my wall as well, but let’s forget about that. Let me tend to your wound.” He had taken out disinfectants and a set of gauze bandage.
“Please don’t take away Scootaloo,” Rainbow started, refusing to yield her hoof. “At least place her somewhere in town so I can see her and she can stay with her friends.” She swallowed hard to drown the upcoming wave of emotion.
“Rainbow!” he struck a more serious note. “Even if I could decide where to place Scootaloo, and I can’t since this decision has to be made by the foal protective services, I would put her in your care. And unless you force me to do otherwise, I will strongly advise them to grant you custody. Now please. The blood’s running down your fur already.”
Rainbow looked down her side. He was right. It was already clotting in lumps on her coat. She would have a hard time explaining that to the filly short of a shower in the practice.
Admitting defeat, she surrendered her hoof. Dr Staple was fast to clean up the mess in front of him, using an abundance of paper towels and a disinfectant that stung like hell, increasing the pain to a level that even a seasoned crash flier like Rainbow couldn’t help but cry out loud. Good thing Scootaloo is playing outside, Rainbow thought. Not even a soundproofed wall could muffle this much noise.
“You will have to see a medical doctor about that,” the stallion announced, starting to wrap up the hoof in a very tight bandage. “Some of these cuts are pretty deep and will need stitching. Since you already demonstrated your extreme stubbornness, I assume you can’t be persuaded to go right away, can you?”
Rainbow kept silent, staring at the plain white gauze instead.
“I will take that as a no then,” the doctor continued after a long sigh, clearing up the medical equipment and waste in front of him as he spoke. “What do you gain from the filly?”
“I am not fighting for her for my own profit!” Rainbow protested, suddenly not quiet anymore, supporting her protest by striking the armrest. A motion she came to regret instantly, not just because of the agony soaring through her nervous system.
“I didn’t mean it that way Rainbow,” he said like a teacher who had just been disappointed by his best student, which reflected his true emotions to some extent. Before he said another word, he took his time to pour out two glasses of good Apple family apple juice, one of which he passed over to Rainbow, deliberately leaving the pegasus to stew for a while.
“You obviously have some very strong emotional reactions towards the filly; strong enough to endanger my interior. What I want to find out is what makes her so special to you. What is it that drives you crazy right now?”
“I am not sure.” Rainbow took a long sip from her glass, clearing her troubled mind by concentrating on the flavour. Only Apple Family Cider was better. “I kinda feel lonely at times, even when I am with my friends. And Scootaloo, she is so nice to be around. When I first met her she was no more than just another fan. Everypony always tells you to avoid having devotees invade your personal live, but being the friend of the sisters of my friends, there was no way escaping that little energy bundle. I think she exploited that option pretty well to get my attention. I came to know her a little closer and grew very fond of her. I secretly kept an eye out for her, but kept it professional on the outside. At least until she lured me into a camping trip with her.”
Rainbow couldn’t help but smile to herself as the images came flooding through her brain. “Those last weeks we lived together, I didn’t feel lonely anymore. She’s no ordinary fan. She loves me for who I am, not because of what I do. I love her, too. All in me wants to take care of her. I want see her happy.”
All the while Rainbow had spoken to the ground, but now she raised her head, staring to the ceiling instead.
“And yet I feel like I don’t deserve her. Scootaloo can do so much better. Look at me. I am sitting here, bleeding, destroying things rather than helping her. Everypony thinks I am great. That is what I want them to think. That is what I tell myself.”
She brought up a hoof to cover her eyes, as if to build a dam for the rising moisture.
”Everpony thinks it’s easy to be me, that being the best comes natural. But it’s hard. I love being me, but sometimes I feel like I can’t stand up to the pressure anymore. But I have to...”
The last words where no more but a whisper.
Dr Staple took a few more notes before turning back to Rainbow, taking in the scene before him: a young successful mare, weather manager of the district of Ponyville despite her age, bearer of an Element of Harmony who had saved Equestrian more than once if the news could be trusted, high profile candidate to be the youngest Wonderbolt in history and selfless saviour of the victim of the first child abuse case in Equestria since thirty-two years, all in one pony, was sitting in front of him, broken by self-doubts resulting from low self-esteem.
It seemed paradoxical, but it was all too common for his liking. Many foals were raised in too high expectations, resulting in adults who drew their self-worth solely out of their accomplishments or resorted to admitting defeat and burying their ambitions for the rest of their lives. A case like Rainbow was a singular event in his carrier nevertheless, this mare took everything to new extremes, but he knew exactly what to do.
“Do you think your friends expect you to be the very best in all you do?” he carefully asked.
“Doesn’t everypony?” Rainbow tried to place the expression on the stallions face, but could make nothing of it. For her the answer was obvious. The few times she had lost to another pony everypony had been disappointed. Why should her friends be any different?
“Let me tell you something, Rainbow.” He sat aside his notes and moved to the front edge of his armchair, leaning closer to Dash. “Yesterday I had two very unexpected guests in my practice. The first one was a soldier of the Royal Army who asked me to clear space today for two urgent examinations to decide over the custody of a mistreated foal. He said that I would receive a copy of all needed files within the day if I agreed. What I did. A few hours later I was visited by a nice young mulberry unicorn who not only handed me over the missing paperwork, but also took her time to brief me personally about the situation. But she did not only talk about Scootaloo. She also expressed her concerns about your psyche and asked me to try and help you. I hope you believe me when I tell you that she is very worried.”
His eyes moved to the plain black clock directly over the door and back to Rainbow.
“To be honest with you, she is probably already waiting outside. She seemed to be quite the punctual one. She even mentioned something about rescheduling her scheduling schedule...”
Rainbow closed her eyes, exhaling air in a long stream, thinking. “So; Twilight knows.”
“Is that a bad thing?” The doctor posed the question despite already knowing the answer. Rainbow's body language was giving all away: fiddling hooves and biting her lip.
“I am not sure. But I don’t like it. I don’t need help,” Rainbow pressed out, the last sentence sounding more like a rehearsal than her actual sentiment.
The doctor flipped back a few pages in his notepad. He couldn’t help but grin at what he found.
“What advice did you give Scootaloo when she told you the exact same thing?”
“That nopony would think lower of her when she accepted help.” Realization crept into Rainbow. Her own reasoning had beaten itself. She had already accepted help for so many things, always rationalizing it was for someone else and not for herself. It was time to admit to herself that she was in dire need of support.
“OK. Please tell me what I need to do.”
“I’ll write you and Scootaloo an ill-note for the next two weeks. Your co-workers won’t know the reason and it will give you time to relax and think, but most importantly the opportunity to enjoy each other. For today I would say you speed off to the hospital. Twilight can collect Scootaloo and bring her to her home to wait for you. I will draw up my recommendation to the foal protective service, stating that they should grant you custody. After that I will get a craftsman to close the hole in the wall and then we’ll forget about it forever.” He paused to create eye contact. “I have one condition: I want you and Scootaloo to come back every week for therapy.”
“I promise. Thank you for your help.” Dash downed the last of her juice and flew to the door. If she had to face Twilight, she would do it now when she still had the courage to admit to her problems, but Dr Staple stopped her when her hoof met the handle.
“Before you leave Rainbow, I want you to know that I can’t think of anypony better suited than you for Scootaloo. You did more than just great so far. Let me accompany you to talk to Twilight.”