Apparently, it was too late, as I was facing Twilight across the desk, still restricted by 'magic.' Her mountainous pile of paper painstakingly organized, as if she would be ready to be mummified in them. Probably so she could write after death. Needless to say, my body was not ready.
"Researcher: Sparkle, Twilight, L. Environment: Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville,... Subject: First contact and information gathering of a new species. Comment: Gold star here I come!" said Twilight, for the most part, as a DMV secretary, but then became a giddy little school girl at the end. My eyes would roll out of my head if I didn't need them to keep an eye out for the owl.
"Okay, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and then I will write your answer for further reference and research, okay?" she asks me, as if she gave me a choice.
"Only if we take turns answering questions. I would like to know as much as I can about where I am." I reply calmly on the outside, yet on the inside my mind was running around trying to figure out everything and only remember the important things as I slowly went insane. Things like breathing and fine dining, for example.
"Fair enough. First question: What is your name and what is your species called?" she asked with a sparkle in her eyes.
"Well, my name is rather long and hard to say. It's..." I start while a rooster crows, signaling it was close to morning. "...but everyone calls me Grant." I finish as they seem perplexed at my real name, though I couldn't blame them. "As for my species we are called humans or homo sapiens in scientific terms." Rainbow failed to suppress a laugh when I gave the scientific name. Ha! Irony. Meanwhile, Twilight writes it down as if I have given her the meaning of life... or the release date of Half Life 3. Same thing.
"My turn. How are you able to write all that?" I inquire. "Don't just say magic! Explain to me what exactly it is."
"That's it. I'm out." replied Rainbow Dash as she flew towards the door. The rest followed suit.
"Where are you girls all going?" asked Twilight, apparently shocked that her friends would be so bold. Well...most of them.
"I have to feed m'ah family and work for a living, sugarcube. We ain't got time to hear another lecture about magic, since most of us won't be able to use it." replied Applejack. Apparently, she was the 'element', as she put it, of brutal honesty. Like, the news wouldn't even be able to put it on T.V. because it would be SO BRUTAL!
"Bluntly as she said it, Applejack is right darling. We already lost two days of work to stop the dynasty of swamp ducks. They were such majestic creatures." she replied. Wait...what? "I have a huge amount of orders to catch up on AND I'll have to make it up to Sweetie Belle for missing her audition for the school play. 'I'm sorry, but I have to save the world again' isn't working anymore and I can't resist her adorable act. She, obviously, has spent too much time at Fluttershy's." she stated melodramatically, as I wondered if Sweetie Belle was her daughter *foreshadowing*.
"Sorry...I'll stop being adorable, even though I don't know when I started, if that's okay with you." responded Butterscotch. Sorry, Fluttershy. I got confused because she was so damn sweet and adorable. And yellow.
"No, darling...you can't." responded the extravagantly jealous and sad Rarity, in a tone that suggested that she wished she had a inch more sweetness.
"Girls, I promise that I will make my explanation brief for our visitor and promise to reimburse you for your time lost if you stay." begged Twilight with eyes that would make a puppy shoot itself.
"How in the hell did her eyes get even BIGGER! Any more adorable and I might snuggle these ponies." I thought, amazed. *foreshadowing* (Wait, what?!) *Nothing*.
"...fine. We'll stay. I am the element of loyalty after all." Rainbow responded proudly.
"She was the first one to leave her friend alone with a male creature no one knows anything about, in a secluded area, with only paper as her protection. Yeah, and I am the element of subtlety. " I think, seriously questioning how good 'freinds' these ponies really were.
"Can you answer the question already?" proclaimed Pinkie. "The text is getting stale and I want to have more dialogue." We all stared at her in confusion as I question if she is Deadpool's feminine side.
"I have chimicherrys and cherrychangas back in the fridge I want to sink my teeth into!" said a certain someone. Yup, Deadpool.
"Moving on, magic." transitioned Twilight, quite poorly I might add. "Magic actually comes from the atmosphere of the planet. You see, the core of the planet is actually filled with an intense magical energy that can go through all types of matter." she explained. "Eventually, animals began to absorb the magical energy and some actually absorbed enough that it gave them the power to harness it using their brain cells and its magical current. Some ponies were closer to the mountains, often near volcanic hot spots or deep caves. These became Unicorns. Some of the energy from the magical magma went into the air and spread to ponies, giving them wings. These are known as Pegasai. Other ponies, who had prolonged contact with the earth, gained a natural ability to grow, use the earth, and be more creative than other ponies. Oh, magic also made them stronger, even though no one knows why. These are called Earth ponies." she elaborated, but was cut off by Rarity, who told her to breath as well. Rarity must be the glue that keeps this group together. Actually...that joke may not pass over so well in this crowd.
"Hmm. So, magic has a radiation like property? Could I just assume that magic is an element man has not yet discovered? Wouldn't surprise me as some planets are devoid of some elements we find common, plus we made our own elements, so it could be possible. I think she may be confused a bit, though. Its electric currents that run through the brain, not an element. Yet, it seems their species has undergone evolution of sorts. I don't believe magic changed them, but rather, influenced their environments that it made them have to adapt to survive. The strength of the Earth ponies may be due to having to work the rough ground to eat food. Ground influenced by 'magic'. Thus adaptation gave them stronger legs to dig and till. Their characteristics are based on their cultural progression and needs of their society. " I hypothesized. Unfortunately, I said that aloud and realized this only when I saw them all staring at me like I figured out evolution. Wait...dang!
"That..what...did you..." starts off Twilight, struggling to find her voice. That is until she says "I'm talking to an alien with possible knowledge from another world and a logical process." She brightened up immediately and said "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Imagine all the books I could fill about this new world with all its knowledge!" while skipping rather adorably in a circle. That's it I'm hugging these things first chance I get.
"Settle down there Twilight. We need to get back to questioning." said the orange killjoy. Another goal to add to the list is steal her stetson. I must haves it. The precious.
"Sorry got carried away there for a second." she said while blushing. How she could blush, I'll never know. "Now then. My next question is how are you able to live on a world without magic? You make it seem as if doesn't exist. Don't you need it?" She questions.
"Well, many people on my world claim to be magicians or practice magic, but those are usually just tricks and hoaxes. My people believe, mostly, in science and we have never found any sign of magic." I reply. "As for how we exist without it, we just don't need it." She remains dumbfounded at the mere thought of no magic, her life seemingly losing a bit of meaning that day. And what did I do to help? I trolled her.
"But what about lighting your homes?"
"Electricity. We don't need it."
"Protecting yourselves against wild animals?"
"Guns. Don't need it." I reply with a wave of my hands. Apparently I just can't take my ass off the seat, so nothing new. At this point she is flabbergasted. She may not know what those were, but the fact that I had an answer right away and said them calmly showed her that we did have solutions to these problems.
"Controlling weather? Medical solutions? Setting the sun and moon?" She asked hysterically.
"Well, I don't believe you can set the sun and moon or control weather. We have our own medical expertise and we have progressed with science as a means of evolution. So basically, don't need it." I reply with a smirk, clearly enjoying rustling her jimmies.
"Stop breaking Twilight!" said Pinkie Pie. "It's really hard to pick up the pieces once she breaks down. It harshes the mellow, you know." I wonder if they have drugs in this world? Pinkie probably owns all of it.
"You know what, no." says Twilight, taking deep breaths and making a really offensive gesture with her hoof. "I have more control than that and I don't want to take the medicine. Let's move on to your next question so we can all rest for a while."
"Fine. Who is in charge of this land and what type of government is in place?" I asked, wanting to avoid any mistakes of culture.
"Well, Equestria is lead by Princess Celestia and her sister, Princess Luna. They raise the sun and moon, respectively, and are alicorns. I guess you could call it a diarchy since they co-rule the land, at least recently." Twilight lectures with pride. I had some follow up questions that needed to be asked.
"First off, what are alicorns? Secondly, do they really move the sun and moon or are you just trolling me? Finally, what do you mean recently?" I inquire. However, Twilight looks offended and almost depressed as she tries to cover her face, and oddly, her body with books and parchment.
"...Do you really think I'm ugly and fat?" she says with a tone that breaks my unmanly heart. Scout would be laughing at me if he wasn't busy crying at Rainbow Dash.
"HOW DARE YOU!" Her friends all say. Oh shit, I did two of the worst things a guy can do. Criticize a girl and get her friends to not like me. Have mercy.
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Meanwhile, a simultaneous ripple spread across every male on the planet. Every male, either working the fields or writing reports stopped in their tracks at a sudden feeling in the place that does all the thinking. They all looked onward toward the epicenter of the ripple with a sad and understanding face.
"I know that feel bro." was all that was said as everyone went back to their day, as another casualty was lost to the worst war of all time and space.
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After I was mauled by Twilight's friends, they gave one chance to apologize before, and I quote, 'give you the stare,' 'buck you to next Tuesday and buck you back to last Wednesday,' 'make it so that RED will clash with your wardrobe,' 'not give you cake,' (that one hurt me most since It brought up bad memories about not having cake) and last of all, 'do a Sonic Rainboom straight up my...,' well I don't want to think about it.
"Allow me to explain!" I say in a desperate attempt to escape judgement....and prepare my body. "Trolling in my world means 'are you joking,' 'are you just trying to make me mad,' or 'are you trying to rustle my jimmies.' "My explanation calmed them down somewhat, even Twilight. Rarity did, however, wonder what were 'jimmies.'
"Sorry about that. I lost control of the situation ...again." she said with an exasperated sigh at the end. "To answer your questions, alicorns are ponies of unbelievable magical power that also have all the traits of the three pony races. They are also bigger than ponies, but don't say that to the princesses, since the last stallion who said that...actually I don't know what happened to him. Princess Celestia said something about top stallions. Top. Stallions." she recalled. Don't call her fat, got it. "Anyways, every pony has a cutie mark that gives them a special 'boost,' you could say. For example, my cutie mark is magic, meaning I'm better with magic than most ponies due to my natural ability, studying, and boost from my mark. Applejack's mark deals with apples, so it gives her extra strength to buck apples. Since the princesses have the sun and moon as marks, it means they are the only ponies that can move the sun and moon since it is their unique ability." she educated me, better than my college professors I might add.
"Hmm. So marks can show off one's special talent as well as enhance one's abilities. I was wondering what were those tattoos on their ass...ets. Not that I wanted to look." I pondered intelligently.
"As for recently....that's a longer story." Twilight said.
"Well, I'm running on your time so I'm ready to hear it." I reply. She sighs with a somber tone.
"Okay, let me go to the beginning..." she starts.
"Wanna play tick tac toe Rarity?" Pinkie asks.
"Oh. IT. IS. ON!" Rarity says with makeup that makes her look like she is about to slay Ares himself.
350 games later
"I can't believe you won 350 games in a row....best of 701." Rarity said with a chipper tone.
"And that's the history of Equestria, Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Sombra." Twilight explained, not noticing that two of her friends had fallen asleep, two were playing tic tac toe, and Fluttershy was playing referee.
"So basically, this nation was born out of some sort of threesome in a cave, the princesses put down Q, Sombra became a politician, and Luna went through puberty and tried to take over the world. Seems legit." I summarized in my head.
"One last question before we decide what to do with you." she begins. "How did you get here?"
"Huh. I personally thought that would be question one." I replied honestly. She rubbed a hoof on the back of her head, signifying that it should have been the first question. "I get it. You were just so amazed by my unmanly behavior and my apparent fear of birds that you had to find out how a monkey, with fairly good fashion sense and ocean blue eyes, could talk."
"*Snort* That was a delightful jest." replied the not so subtle, but magnificent Rarity. How would she know? I've only seen one of them wear a hat as far as clothing goes.
"Uh...no! No, no, sorry! I really didn't mean to say that and I don't think your a monkey per SE. Perhaps a chimp..." she comments. Ooof, that hurt me where I live. "Also, I'm sure you have beautiful blue eyes that are really hard to miss and makes hu-man girls like you, but..."
"Twilight." I cut her off.
"Yes?" she replies.
"My eyes are green." I reply with only a smirk adorning my face.
"..." says Twilight blush. Convincing argument, but I offer a rebuttal. I laughed my buns and thighs off at the expense of the adorable purple unicorn with a school girl blush, getting redder by the second I might add. My slaughter of all things adorable would have to wait as the door was slammed open with a lizard at the foot of it, trying its best to look brave. Failing I might add.
"Don't worry! I'll save you!" says insurance gecko.
"Spike! You don't need to save me! Grant isn't..." she started, but had a look of irritation as Spyro went straight towards Rarity. "Should have seen that coming..." she said.
"Don't worry my sweet." he said as he held Rarity in a loving manner, with the victim of my utter ruthlessness having a puzzled and surprised expression. "I saw this creature terrorizing your heavenly presence and decided that you needed a strapping, young dragon to save the day."
"Spike, darling, I wasn't..." Rarity begins, but is cut off by 'Spike' as he places his fingers on her lips. A dog's name. Really?
"Shhh. It's alright, don't speak. It won't be long now before the Princess responds to my letter and brings the guards. Rest assured, though. I would never let you be hurt." says the obviously love struck kid as he tries to woo a girl. probably, fifteen or twenty years older. He's got swag, I'll give him that. Though 'swag' is not necessarily a good thing.
"Wait, did he say the Princess and guards." I realized. Suddenly, there was a boom outside as I heard many stamping of, what I presumed, hooves.
"Abomination! We have the place surrounded! Come out and put your appendages and other useful anatomical features, up!" replied random male voice number 69.
"Oh ssss...