//------------------------------// // There's a surprise adoption // Story: It only gets weirder-er // by Aiet //------------------------------// The sun shined down harshly in the middle of the sky with out a single cloud. An ocean of sand spewed out in all directions as hills and valleys. The heat was nearly unbearable and not a single breeze was flowing. It was a perfect day to die. “Men we have fought against impossible odds, stared down the throat of horrendous monsters, and slaughtered countless enemies. And now...” I paused as I looked at the approaching army in front of us. The two armies were separated by about a football field and a half of scorching sand. I turned back to face my troops. “And now we're going to do it again. But after today none would dare challenge us. We will live forever in history as the greatest army ever known!” a deafening roar was cried from my troops on the front line. The rest of the army stood behind us because we would be the first to charge. I turned once again to face the enemies in nothing but black shorts, my small pot belly hanging out proud covered with black curly hair just like the rest of my body. “For those of us who live will have everything they desire and for those of us who die... WE SHALL DINE IN HELL!” “NINETY NINE!” with a finally look back I nodded and took a deep breath. “CHARGE!” with my mass of men we surged forward and the opposition did the same but the rest of our army stood back for now. I ran alone in the front until suddenly a hulking red dragon was next to me. “Rathlos throw me!” I ordered and he nodded his head before picking me up and flinging me upward. I flew high and fast before finally stopping in air but before I started to fall back down a brilliant ray of light shot at me. I held my hands above my head as the light hit them and stayed there. The light started to solidify and took shape into a weapon that was a present from miss shinny butt her self, the Hammer of Dawn. The Hammer of Dawn was a white gold, six foot long hammer. The head on one side was a battle hammer that glowed brightly and the other side was a battle axe shaped as a raising sun. I had it raised over my head as I started to fall down and towards the enemy line. While still in air I brought it over and shot it strait at them with the speed of light. It struck the ground and sent out a shock wave of searing light, then I landed next to it only a split second later. I grabbed the handle and flipped around, slamming it to the ground again and sending out another shock wave. My troops closed in and broke the front lines with ease since a majority of them were stunned or burnt. Travis watched as we clashed and raised his arm to signal the army. The sun light skirted away from Travis as he wore his dark blue dragon scale like armor that had wisps of smoke raising from it and his sword too. Like me, Travis was given a weapon by Luna. The Shadow Stalker, a four foot long sword with teeth all along the blade that was pure black. Then he dropped his arm and the rest of the army charged but he stayed in place until they had had left. “Ah'll be right back.” he said to no one in particular and turned around, walking off. The rest of the army joined us in the battle, the final battle. ~Stop! Hammer time!~ I stood in front of five soldiers with confused faces as my back up dancers started again. The music resumed and so did the dancing but I swung my hammer and took them all out at once. It was a once in a life time opportunity. I continued smashing and slashing through hordes of soldiers, making sure they didn’t get back up. Then the sky darkened and I looked up to see a swarm of Pegasus closing in. “I think they need to be about twenty percent more dead.” I took out a canister and pointed it upward while pulling a string attached to the bottom. With a blast it shot out a flurry of sparks that shot up into the sky and exploded below the approaching swarm. I lied when I said there wasn't any clouds in the sky. A massive cloud hidden by magic loomed above even higher then the mass of enemy Pegasus. When the signal was sent our own mass of Pegasus launched from the cloud but upward. Then they held their position as a lone streak of rainbow shot down at full speed. Moments later there was a thunderous clap in the air and an explosion as Rainbow Dash performed a Sonic Rainboom in the middle of the enemy Pegasus. The shock wave scattered most of them and the rest of our Pegasus came swooping down to get the rest. We now had a battle in the sky and the ground. I crushed a soldier, smudged him into the ground as I watched him completely die but then I looked up and noticed a line of soldiers in front of me. I had a witty comment prepared for this moment but it was taken away from me by the blaring of a Win Dixie horn and the screaming of- “Leeeeeeeeeroooooooooy Jeeeeeeenkiiiiiiiins!” suddenly Travis's Shitty Chitty Bang Bang slammed on top of several of the soldiers in front of me and then rammed into the rest. I watched as he drove away, running over more and more enemies as Luna stood in the bed using her magic to fire a cross bow. That bastard, those were my kills. Now nearly an hour into the battle things where getting heavy. “What are you at Rathlos?” I called out over the chaos as I saw him wielding two battle axes and tearing through a large group of enemies. “176 sir!” he replied after decapitating a minotaur. “305, you better work harder!” I laughed as he smirked and redoubled his efforts. He was most likely going to catch up soon since most of the enemy soldiers started to flee when I got near, making me work for them. After awhile it got annoying having to chase them down but after catching my current victim I felt something... gay. “It's been awhile.” I slowly turned to see King G'afssa undressing and killing me with his cold eyes. He worn no armor or had no weapon and yet stood out here in the middle of the battle. Then suddenly one of our soldiers rushed him from behind but he didn't move. With a flash of his horn the soldier exploded into a cloud of red mist. “And that’s why we could never have anything together.” I rushed him myself but he moved this time as he turned and ran from me. I weaved in and out of soldiers as he seemed to slip through everything and one. I lost sight of him as Travis drove by in front of me, sending bodies into the air or crushing them underneath. After that is when I saw him standing alone ahead of me. “It's a trap.” I said to myself as I ran at full speed while readying my hammer. The entire time he stood there with bedroom eyes as I bared down on him. Then that’s when it happened. I was feet away from him and about to bring the hammer down when he was gone and a suddenly explosion from the ground reviled two ponies manning a cannon. Then there was a deafening boom. I stood there for a second before slamming down the hammer on the two ponies. “Interesting...” I mumbled to my self as I stepped away to fight more. I smashed and slashed a few more enemies before I noticed I was surrounded by a large group. With a look around a blew air out my nose as directed my sight upward. Seeing pass the clashing, swarming Pegasus I could see the sky. It was bright blue and calm. “Really interesting...” as the enemy closed on my I brought up my hammer and tossed it into the air. Instead of falling back down it shot up and glowed brightly. At about twenty feet in the air it erupted into a fountain of light that blazed back down to the ground and shot out in all directions. “Meason! Meason!' I slowly opened my eyes to see Twilight over me in panic. I said something, not quite sure what, ending it with a laugh so she would know it was a joke but it did nothing to calm her down. Then I realized something else. We where back at the beginning of this whole crazy story. You know the story where two best friends get sent to the place of their dreams. Only one problem though... I thought the hero never dies. Now with the hole in my stomach from the cannon said differently. “Listen Twilight... there’s nothing you can do here. They need your help elsewhere.” I watched the tears well up in her eyes as she tried to argue with me. “Go... I'll be alright. You know me... I'm the tough one.” I gently pushed her away as a tear fell from her face onto my slightly parched bottom lip. She left my field of sight which itself was shrinking. Soon I didn't hear anything. “I hear hell is nice this time of year.” a loud bang sounded but this was different as confetti rain down all around. The war stopped for a moment as everyone gathered around clapping and cheering. “And that ladies and gentlemen is Meason's one hundred use of the word hell!” Pinkie Pie bounced out of nowhere with a large trophy as I stood up and dusted my self off. Everyone surrounded me as I was handed the Word Award. “First of all I would like to thank all of you asshole, truly, with out you I would have no reason to speak and wold never get to a hundred.” there was more applaud before I continued but before I could speak Pinkie Pie poked her head out the hole in my stomach with another explosion of confetti. “Pinkie get out of there or you’ll stretch me out.” “That’s what she said!” Travis quickly quipped and more confetti rained down again. “Ladies and gentlemen that was Travis's one hundred use of 'that's what she said'.” more cheering went on as he was handed his trophy. “All people back in places!” Michael Bay called out and everyone went back to their positions. I went back to the scorched ground I was laying at from the blast from the Hammer of Dawn. “Let's see I finished with...” “Action!” Travis slammed his foot into the gas peddle as a large minotaur was in his path of destruction. He plowed into it and it went under the tires with crushing and gurgling sounds. that’s when Travis saw it. A large catapult being loaded and moments later firing. Suddenly the impact area of what was thrown exploded behind the Celestian army lines, they were firing bombs. Travis jerked the wheel and headed strait for the war machine. Up ahead to the right he saw a small clearing with scorch marks. He could see a purple unicorn running from something in the middle. Then he saw it, a small, hairy pot belly. “Honey in front of us!” Luna called from the back of the truck and Travis snapped forward to see King G'afssa standing near the catapult. With a new found rage Travis slammed his foot down again. The engine roared as he topped a hundred, aiming Shitty strait at the king. Time then slowed down. The king faced down the Mane Six, Shining Armour, and Princess Celestia. What was being said was lost (just like in every time slowed down scene except the slow deep voices). Travis's truck closed in on the king and the rest watched with wide eyes but before he hit everything stopped. The allies had mixed expressions of shock and horror as Travis closed in. the King had a smug smile as he looked at them through half closed eyes. Luna had just jumped out the back when Travis pushed even harder on the gas. Travis had a face of pure two chin rage as he grasped the steering wheel tightly before impact. The time resumed. The truck exploded with a massive boom, sending the truck over head in a series of flips. It landed behind the allies upside sown in another explosion. The flames from the initial explosion snaked around the king as he laughed. Luna gently flew down with Travis, teleporting him out just in time. “Do you really think you could kill me with a bucket of rust?” he laughed again as they all stared him down. that’s when the all attacked. Magic, arrows, swords, and a cake with a fuse was shot at him. With the king still laughing everything was deflected from him, the cake hitting the catapult with another explosion. It crashed to the floor sending pieces and bombs off in all directions. “First I will kill all but you Celestia and while you are tied down at the foot of my throne, you will watch as I destroy your kingdom and the land.” King G'afssa gloated in victory. Travis was the first to charge with his sword ready to plunge into the king's black heart. With a flash he was thrown back to the group as the king chuckled. Then Rainbow Dash charged, then Applejack followed by Shining Armour. Each was thrown back but kept getting back up and charging until they were to tired to move. The entire time they charged at the king the rest noticed something in the background. Someone was slowly approaching them. The combatants around ignored the being as they stumbled forward then stopping to stoop out of sight for a second before continuing. As Travis and the others couldn't charge anymore the being was very close. “Time to die.” before King G'afssa could do anything there was a hissing noise from behind him. Annoyed he spun around but wasn't fast enough as a hand grabbed his horn and a knee slammed into his jaw. Meason sat on top of the king's chest and everyone saw where the hissing came from. A small wooden barrel was lodged into the hole in his stomach with a very short fuse that was winding down fast. Meason grabbed the king's head and held him close. “SEE YOU IN HELL!” “ONE HUNDRED AND ONE!” BOOM