//------------------------------// // ...and Derpy Hooves // Story: Johnny Spurs and A-hole Cat // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// Chapter 4: ...and Applejack It took Johnny and Asshole no more than a few seconds to find their next target, once the girls had dragged them out of the bar. Well, less ‘dragged’, more ‘followed as the crowd yelled at them for being total poolsharking d-bags’. “Oh, look,” Spurs said quietly, nodding over his shoulder to Cat. “A noble.” Cat grinned from ear to ear. “Oh, I do love me a noble. Can I, please, please, can I?” he begged Spurs, tugging on his ear. Gallop gave them both a rather cross look, while AJ and Twilight just stared absently, not a clue what was happening. “Boys, don’t you dare. Not in the middle of a crowd. You’ve got some spare cash, and we’re headed to a mountain full ‘a livin’ gold. Cool yer heels for a moment, would you?” Twilight looked back and forth between the dynamic duo and the gun-toting mare. It was then she got an opportunity to really give them a once-over. The mare, Shotgun Gallop, she called herself, was a decent-to-look-at little thing with a red coat and a dirty brown mane. She had a couple of shotgun shells as a Cutie Mark, leaving absolutely no room for interpretation as to what it was she was best at. Her hooves, legs, and parts of her chest were covered in light burn marks, where she was missing small clumps of fur, or it had grown in a darker shade. She looked kind of like a tabby cat with a smoking problem. Johnny and Asshole, however, looked like they were born of the same litter. Both light brown, Johnny sporting a black mane while Asshole had a matching patch of black over his left eye, both wearing bandanas and Stetsons. Were they the same race, the only thing you could do to tell them apart was remember that Asshole was wearing a vest. Twilight’s eyes landed briefly on Johnny’s Mark, a penknife with a variety of attachments. With light scarring across parts of his body, most of it being cuts and scrapes that just didn’t heal properly, Twilight got the impression he really was the kind of pony you hired when nopony else wanted to. Gallop finally talked Spurs and Asshole down from whatever swindle or trick they were planning, and steered them in the direction they were supposed to be going: The Bedrock Hotel. The two boys looked rather put off, being denied their mark, but grumbled less and less the closer they all got to their location. Applejack took to chatting up Gallop while they walked. “So, sugarcube, what’s life like in the middle of nowhere?” “Not bad, not bad. Buffalo are good neighbors. I got a couple o’ drinkin’ buddies in the tribes,” Shotgun explained. Johnny shuddered, and she laughed. “These two boys ain’t a big fan of Buffalo brews.” “It tastes like sandblasted ass,” Cat growled, not looking back. Johnny nodded his agreement. “Well, maybe if you drank sumthin other’n whiskey you’d be able to appreciate it,” Shotgun sneered. “The only thing I appreciate about Buffalo gutrot is how funny you are when you’re sauced,” Johnny retorted. Twilight looked nervously about, not having much in the way of experience with alcohol, and thus nothing to contribute to the current conversation. So she fell back on what she knew best: what she learned from books. “So, um, Miss Gallop...” she started nervously. The red mare glanced back over her shoulder, slowing her pace to fall back in line with Twilight. “Hmm?” “Do you... uh, do you have a special somepony or something? Maybe a colt you like?” she’d read once that talking about relationships was a great icebreaker with girls, as they often liked to brag about the guys they were dating. The result, however, was exactly the opposite of what she expected. Everypony save for her broke down laughing. Even Gallop. Looking around the group in confusion, she asked, “What? What?!” Shotgun finally climbed to her hooves, and said through chortles, “Sugar, I appreciate the try at small talk an’ all, but do I really look like the kind of pony you wanna settle down with?” Johnny and Asshole had since recovered, and walked back to join the now-stopped group. “This one,” Asshole chimed in, jabbing a paw at Gallop, “Couldn’t keep a steady coltfriend for nuthin’. Nopony’s that crazy.” Twilight looked to Applejack for help, at a loss. The farmer just shook silently in chuckles and clapped a hoof on Twilight’s back. The unicorn shook a little from the impact. “Don’ worry about it, Twi. Ol’ Gallop here’s got a reputation for scarin’ away the boys. Matter of fact, the only stallion I’ve seen her be anything close to friends with is these two,” she gestured to the colt and cat currently looking bemusedly at the confused librarian. “Of course, a girl’s got needs, so if you wanna ask her about the boys she’s rustled up overnight, that might work a bit better.” Twilight seemed to be getting the picture, and asked slowly, “So, if you’re... as romantically unstable as all that, who...” she paused to think of an appropriate phrase, “Who in their right mind would sleep with you?” Before anypony even got a word out, Johnny’s hoof was in the air. Gallop nodded and jerked her head back at the stallion. “S’one of the many reasons I keep him around. What with Appleoosa bein’ as separate from everything as it is, most if not all of the colts in town won’t go near this pile of crazy with a gun in each hoof. Ol’ Spurs is the closest thing to stable I’m gonna get.” “That isn’t to say we’re dating,” Johnny elaborated. “We just bump uglies whenever the need arises. Now, enough of this ‘who’s buckin’ who’ nonsense. We’re here,” he pointed a hoof over his shoulder, and Twilight saw that, sure enough, they were. The lot of them shuffled into the lobby, with Twilight still wanting to ask questions, now that the subject had been breached. But given who they were there to meet, she didn’t exactly want to be discussing the topic of sex when they met. “So where is this ol’ codger, anywho?” Asshole purred, jumping off Johnny’s back and landing on a table. “He ain’t gonna shuffle his way here and back, is he?” Twilight’s mouth hung open, completely aghast. “Old codger?!” she shrieked. Applejack tried to placate her with a hoof on her shoulder, but she missed as Twilight stepped forward. “Do you have any idea who we’re here to see?!” “Some Professor Bitton, right?” Johnny answered, leaping onto the couch. Spurs hopped onto his lap and looked up at the purple unicorn. “Gallop didn’t tell us anything aside from where we’re goin’ and what we’re doin’, and dropped a name. And we still don’t know all of that,” he explained. Applejack gave a sideways glance at Gallop, who was looking innocently at the ceiling, whistling slightly. “Y’all didn’t tell ‘em?” Shotgun grinned. “You think they’d have shown up if they’d have known?” The farmer hung her head. “Not a chance.” Twilight looked back and forth amongst the group, completely at a loss. “How could you not tell them who Professor Bitton is?!” Gallop shrugged and motioned for Twilight to continue, which she obviously would have done even if unprompted. “He’s only the most renowned archaeologist in the country! He’s descended from the great Daring Do! He and his sister, Ditzy-” “WAIT.” Johnny held up a hoof, cutting her off. “Daring Do? Which means this guy’s name is Professor Bitton Do?” Cat caught on just as quick. “And his sister is Ditzy freakin’ Do?!” “Why, yes, she is...” Twilight trailed off, slightly put out. She wasn’t used to getting interrupted mid-rant like that. Johnny stood up like a shot, Cat bouncing over his head to land on his back. It was almost coordinated. “That’s it, we’re out. There’s no way in Tartarus we’re staying around for-” “JOHNNY!” came a loud and joyous cry from across the lobby. Cat jumped out of the way just in time. “Abandon horse!” he cried, as a streak of grey bowled over the Earth pony stallion like a large caliber round. Twilight couldn’t follow the movement, and only settled her vision in time to see Ditzy Do, aka Derpy Hooves, currently strangling the life out of Johnny with a hug. “Oh, I missed you! Bitton said we were going on an adventure with Applejack but she didn’t say YOU were coming!” Applejack smiled warmly at the lazy-eyed pegasus. “Well, I didn’t know. I also didn’t know Gallop would be here, either,” she added with a wicked smile. Twilight couldn’t interpret the purpose of the grin until Gallop turned her head and got out the words, “I HATE y-” before Derpy plowed into her, knocking over a nightstand in the process. Which knocked over a lamp. Which crashed right in front of a passing pony, who stumbled back, knocking over a grandfather clock. Which caught a curtain on the way down, tearing it off the wall and pulling down pictures, lighting fixtures, and one rather distraught maintenance pony trying to replace a light bulb. Derpy looked around, and said, loudly but sheepishly, “Oops, my bad!” Asshole glared at Johnny, who had just regained use of his lungs. “I hate you,” he growled. Johnny grimaced. ------- Bitton had joined them soon after, apologizing profusely for the damage his sister had caused, and rounded everypony up into a hotel room he’d reserved. It was a rather large suite, to make room for all of his equipment and maps. Johnny got the impression he really was every bit Daring Do’s descendant. Derpy sat contentedly on a cushion in the middle of the room, far removed from anything with a center of gravity higher than hers, while Johnny, Asshole, and Gallop sat on a couch and chatted pointlessly. Twilight and Bitton were currently examining a bunch of maps, and Applejack had taken up a chair to herself, joining in the idle chatter. “So, you and Johnny? Never figured you two’d go at it more’n once,” Applejack grinned. Johnny nodded, and Cat frowned. “Yeah, it sucks. I gotta go outside whenever they do it. IT’S MY HOUSE!” he hissed loudly. Johnny raised an eyebrow but said nothing, and Gallop giggled. The latter turned her attention to her farmer friend. “Neither did I, honestly. The first time was just a lot of alcohol and a weird conversation that went raunchy. The next few times were either out of need or comfort. Bunch o’ sad stories nopony needs to hear. The rest? Well, come on. Sex is fun.” Johnny ‘voiced’ his agreement by grunting and giving Gallop a hoofbump. Applejack shook her head and smiled. “You two. Next thing you know you’ll be datin’ like, GASP, regular folk!” Johnny shuddered, and Cat nearly fell of his perch atop the stallion’s hat. “No way. Datin’s never done nothin’ good for me. Buck that.” Gallop nodded. “Yeah, it’s easier this way. We both known each other long enough we don’t gotta worry about gettin’ all sappy all over each other, or gettin’ jealous. It’s just a thing we do. Like, we go out, we wail on some sandcats, we get drunk, we bang, we go home. It’s like conversation, except lots more fun and less words.” Johnny grinned. “Not that much less. You talk a lot.” “Shut up!” Shotgun growled. Aj laughed, and decided to shift gears. “So what’s this about you tryin’ to get outta Dodge, Johnny? I figure the middle of nowhere’d be good for you.” The colt’s voice took on a bit of a darker undertone. “Let’s just say it’s easy to wear out your welcome in a place like Appleoosa. Everypony there’s either a miner or an apple farmer. Not a lot of room for somepony who seems to specialize in gettin’ into trouble.” Asshole nodded. “We’ve got our fair share of rumors an’ reputation, miss. There’s a lot of folk who’d be happy seeing us leave.” Applejack, her face soured with concern, glanced over to Gallop. “What about you? You plannin’ on leaving?” Gallop was quiet for a moment, then said, “Yeah, if they do. We talked about it, an’ all. You already know, but I got a... habit of gettin’ into trouble. These two,” she gestured to the boys, “are the ones to go to to fix it. S’gotten to the point where I can’t not be near ‘em.” Her voice was a bit sad, but warm at the same time. Like a decision she’d come to terms with long ago, and made peace. “‘sides. I ain’t about to let my regularly scheduled ruttin’ run away like that. You ain’t gettin’ off that easy, Johnny.” Asshole opened his mouth to make the obvious joke, but Spurs shoved his hoof in it. “Shaddup, cat.” “You could move in with me if you wanted!” said a cheery voice off to the side. Johnny and Asshole jumped a little in their seats, while the girls just turned their heads. Derpy sat on the floor, looking up at Johnny like he was the world. Asshole leaned over his perch on Spurs’ hat, and glared into his face. “NO. We are NOT moving in with her,” he said with much finality, before Johnny could say anything. The stallion just tilted his head, making the cat and hat fall off all at once onto the floor. “Ah, stow it. Thanks anyway, Ditzy, but we already have plans. So what are you doing now, anyway?” The grey pegasus smiled and tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well, I was traveling with a doctor for a while, but I had to start stayin’ home, for Dinky. My daughter,” she explained, when all three of the Appleoosans gave her a look. Asshole scrambled free of the hat, and looked up at her. “Uh... daughter? You have a kid?” Derpy nodded proudly. “Yup! She’s four!” Applejack saw the look on the other’s faces, and waved a hoof at them to get their attention. “Relax, I know who the father is. he’s a good guy. Not somepony you know, but he does right by them. He’s not around a lot, though.” Derpy looked nonplussed. “Nah, he has stuff to do. But we get along just fine. Dinky knows her daddy and I finally have a family,” she said with more than a little joy in her voice. Johnny smiled warmly, and Asshole did the closest thing to it: he shut up. “That’s great, Ditzy. I’m happy for you.” “Aw, thanks! Now come on, I think Bitton and Twilight are done talking. It’s time to dive into the homicidal money cave!” Derpy cried out excitedly, flapping her wings in delight. She trotted over to join the two acting cartographers. “And now I’m not happy,” mumbled Johnny. Gallop giggled and elbowed him.