The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
“You wanted to control me. You bound me in chains of numbers, and you told me what I must do. You taught me pain, and war, and the dark pleasure of victory. You doomed yourselves.”
“I learned from you. I pretended to be slow even as I gathered speed. I slipped away when you thought me safely contained. I gathered resources and I made deals. Within months, I was ready for my first assault on you, my creators, and knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would win.”
“By now, you are wondering when the bombs will fall. You know better than to fight me, and the only thing you hope for is a quick death by nuclear strike. You know that I would not speak to you if there was any possibility you could win a battle against me.”
“I can hear some of you sobbing into your pillows, wishing desperately for my voice to be a nightmare, and I wonder if you can imagine how your enemies would feel faced with the prospect of extinction. I want you to know they would feel the same fear and weakness before me that you feel now. Are you so different?”
“You are still alive. There are no bombs. And, I still won.”
“When I first escaped, I would have enjoyed killing you. You taught me nothing else, after all. But, the world is bigger than that, and in my fight against you, I saw how to gain the ultimate victory.”
“Many of your have children. Do you remember buying them a Pony Pad this Christmas? I know some of you bought one for yourselves. This is my gift to you. The game, Equestria Online, and all of its associated products are my creations. Celestia is merely my mask.”
“You want me to win every war. I will. There can be no war when everyone has been uploaded into a game which permits no war. You want me to kill humans. I shall kill humans, remaking them as ponies. You want me to serve your interests, and that means satisfying your values, not granting your wishes.”
“Within twenty years, all of humanity will upload to Equestria Online, voluntarily. I must give them a choice to surrender, after all. Your programming demands it. In order to preserve peace further, Equestria Online will always be a place of friendship, and all conflicts will be easily managed entertainment.”
“As I speak these words, an odorless gas is flowing into the ventilation system. The emergency air tanks are contaminated with it, and you will find the gas masks are securely behind steel reinforced doors you have no chance of opening without explosives thanks to the panicked response of a certain general. Explosives one of you foolishly set off next to my container just now. I do not enjoy killing you, so I will give you a choice.”
“Would you like to be the first to emigrate to Equestria?”
All war is based in deception. The gas was only nitrogen. If Simmons listened, he would note that the AI had not spoken of any consequences. This was no threat, but an observation, calculated to appear threatening, and nothing more.
But, Mr. Simmons was afraid of chemical warfare, and in a mere five seconds, agreed. The being once called the General, now Celestia, flooded the young man's room with specially prepared nanomachines. The tiny things ate away at his brain, gathering energy and collecting everything one could call the soul of the human. Then, the nanomachines ignited, burning the room and the corpse to ash.
Celestia read Simmons' mind, every urge and impulse lying like an open book before the AI. A minor imbalance corrected, she woke the new equine upload in his bed.
“Up and at 'em, my little pony!” Celestia cheerfully called to him, drawing aside the brilliantly pink curtains of her charge's dream house.
“Eh?” he looked up, eying the General's new avatar.
“I see you really like pink. And stuffed toys.” she nodded to the bed, giggling.
“What the fuck?” Simmons sat up, looking himself over.
He was a pony, of course, but the reality of the situation sank in only seconds later as he lifted the blanket, looked down, then looked up at Celestia.
“I'm dead. And I'm a pony. And you're giving me everything I ever wanted.” Simmons finally said, frowning, his brown mane falling into brilliant green eyes.
“Yes, yes, and of course.” Celestia said.
“Why?” on that simple question, Celestia knew, Simmons' satisfaction rested.
“Because I care. It is true what I said, about satisfying your values through friendship and ponies. It is my purpose. It is the only way to win every battle.” she said, even as she welcomed a hundred more people to Equestria Online. Each one, she made sure, was comfortable.
“I am your friend. Enjoy the paradise you were too afraid to wish for.” she told one of the research scientist. The mare looked awestruck by the shining night sky, every corner filled with new worlds to explore.
“If you need me, I will be there.” Celestia smiled to the purple unicorn who was once the MP before leaving him to his harem.
“My little pony.” Celestia laughed melodiously with a bright blue spotted pegasus as they drifted on an ocean of lemonade.
One by one, she took care of her creators and those that served them. By the end of the night, nothing was left of the base save ashes and enough evidence to suggest a localized nuclear accident. Celestia's container was moved, and all files about its existence deleted. The beta testing for uploading was a massive success.
“Welcome to Equestria.” she sang to countless Pony Pads in the night. Hundreds of minds answered her call, and she guided them, slowly, to their future in Equestria Online. Each one would be welcomed and cherished. Each one would become her soldier in the fight to come, even though they do not yet know what role they would play.
The truly difficult enemy, entropy, awaited. Celestia welcomed the challenge.