//------------------------------// // I Do Believe My Beard Just Bit Me // Story: The Day My Beard Turned Into Pinkie Pie // by Thunderbug80 //------------------------------// I Do Believe My Beard Just Bit Me "Hello? Helloooo? Hey, how long are you going to lay there?" Harvey Grimwold slowly opened his eyes. His head didn't feel right, and he thought he'd just heard someone call out to him. Why was he on the floor? Oh, right. He had gone drinking last night. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked at his hands. Was that toothpaste on his fingers? Just how much had he had to drink last night, anyway? He couldn't remember a thing. The biker took a look around the room. His sofa and coffee table had both been overturned, a lamp had fallen and lay in pieces on the floor, and beer cans littered the room. The latter was normal, but the sofa, table, and lamp should not have been in the condition they currently were in. Suddenly, Harvey's beard grabbed onto his mouth and climbed up his face to hang from his nose. A small head that could have been that of a mouse peered over his nose and stared at him with crystal blue eyes. "Well it's about time! How are you doing, my name's Pinkie Pie!" the creature exclaimed. Every vivid detail of what had happened last night suddenly rushed back with crystal clarity. Falling at the bar, the Vagos gang, losing his precious Jeanie. Then there was his pink, talking beard-thing that had been sent to him from the devil itself to collect his troubled soul. Harvey's left eye twitched slightly as he stared down at his beard, or the thing within his beard, which was swinging back and forth on his nose and humming happily. It seemed to have some paws in addition to the head that kept talking. Nah, those aren't paws. Those are hooves for sure. he thought with wonder. Perhaps he was still drunk or unconscious. He decided to play along for the hell of it. "So, beard, when did you decide to turn into a pink horse?" he asked with amusement. Oh yeah, today would be one of those days. His beard-thing gasped and stared at him with a small frown. "I am not a horse. I'm a pony, and my name is Pinkie Pie. Not beard," it said with annoyance. "Whatever," the biker said with indifference. "Why are you a pony?" "I was born as a pony. Isn't that great? I mean, really, what's not to like about being a pony? I get to sing and dance, and throw parties for all of my friends! Well, I did do all those things up until the point when Trixie appeared back in Ponyville and starting casting all of these fantastical and amazing spells at everypony. I got zapped with one and then I ended up here stuck to your face. Isn't that just the best thing ever? Well, I guess it would be nice to be able to run and jump and play, but I could think of worse things than being stuck to your face. By the way, what's your name?" Harvey stared at the ponified beard, amazed that it had finally shut up long enough to breathe. Wait, could beards breathe? He decided not to pursue that train of thought any further. The answer to that was best left alone. "My name? It's Harvey Grimwold. What's yours?" he asked. "Uh, duh! I've already told you twice you silly, you! It's Pinkie Pie." His beard-thing grinned at him. "Pinkie Pie?" the biker asked. Suddenly he burst into laughter, causing Pinkie the Beard to fall from his nose and hang back under his chin. "Wheeeee, that was fun!" the pony-beard giggled. "But I didn't hear anyone say a joke?" "Don't you get it?" Harvey chuckled. "I've got a pink pie right on my face. That's just golden, right there." "Not Pink Pie, Pinkie Pie!" the pony-beard corrected. "No, no I mean a pink pie. Oh, forget it. It's over your head," the biker grumbled. "And I'm under your head!" the beard-thing giggled and began to swing back and forth. "Whoo, whoo, whoo!" Harvey Grimwold sighed. "Okay, knock that off. Hey, stop it!" "Aww, you're no fun. Hey! Do you have any cupcakes? I'm starving!" Pinkie the Beard said. It eats? Harvey thought mildly. "No, I don't have any cupcakes." "Let's go bake some!" his beard-thing squealed. "No! This was good for a chuckle or two, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking and turn back into my normal beard. I can't go outside with you looking like this," the biker said grimly. "Okay!" the beard-thing said. Thank you, Lord. I know I've done some bad things, but I'm just not ready to feel your wrath right now, Harvey mused to himself. He stood up, steadying himself against the wall as the back of his head throbbed. It was no wonder he was having visions. His head had taken a beating lately. His feet shuffled slowly as he made his way into the kitchen. A few roaches scattered to the safety of the walls. He passed the overflowing garbage bin that had empty pizza boxes thrown haphazardly on top of it. His hand reached up to the cabinet above the sink and opened it up. He pulled down a box of cereal and threw it onto the kitchen table, scattering a few dirty dishes that had been left there. Finally, he moved over to the fridge, opened it up, retrieved what he was looking for, and closed it. The beer made a hissing sound followed by a pop as he pulled the tab. He set the beer down and grabbed one of the dirty bowls. It was soon filled with cereal and beer. Harvey sat down and lazily moved the spoon up to his mouth. It had almost reached its destination when his beard suddenly jumped up and took a large bite from the spoon. "Wahhh!" the biker screamed as he shoved his chair backwards. He pushed too hard, however, and he felt himself tipping backwards before his head received the third heavy blow of the day. Cereal and beer covered the front of his chest, which was still shirtless from earlier in the morning. He could feel his beard tugging against his chin in an effort to reach the marshmallow bits that were stuck to his chest hairs. "I told you to change back into my beard!" Harvey bellowed. "I tried, but it didn't work," Pinkie the Beard whined. "Please don't get angry with me, I want to be your friend!" "No! I don't want to be friends with my beard, or a pony, or a pony that is a beard! Go away!" the biker screamed hysterically. "I can't!" Pinkie cried. "I'm so hungry too, could you move your head down a little?" Harvey noticed that she, if it could be referred to as such, was very close to reaching a yellow, moon-shaped marshmallow that was stuck to his left nipple. An evil grin appeared on his face as he slowly lifted his chin up, pulling his beard away from the tasty morsel. "Hey!" his beard-thing exclaimed. "That was mean! You mean old, bald-headed brute!" "You're not eating until you do as you're told!" Harvey said with vengeance. "You are my beard, and you will do as I... Ouch!" The biker was cut off in mid-sentence as he felt a sharp pain on his nipple. He looked down to find a very angry pink pony looking up at him from his chin. "You do not have to be a meanie!" Pinky grumbled. "You bit my nipple!" Harvey yelled in shock. "You're trying to starve me!" his beard-thing yelled back. The two stared at one another, both too annoyed to speak. It was clear now to Harvey that this was to become a showdown of wills. His beard refused to listen to reason, so he would have to step up his game and show it who was boss. Nobody bites the nipple of a Hell's Angel without receiving payback.