He stared at his typewriter. “Don’t even say it.”
“That wasn’t romantic at all.”
“What did I just say?”
“I-I mean, you almost had something going there, but...I-I don’t even know what to call that last part. Were y-you even trying?”
“I believe literature professors call it ‘Deus Ex Machina.’” He huffed his cigarette in defiance.
“Deus Ex Machina is for hacks and e-everybody knows it!” he yelled at himself. “And it’s supposed to resolve the conflict of the story, not just end it abruptly!”
He spat out the smoke. “Maybe the story WAS the problem! Maybe romance is nothing more than a hollow meaningless literary experience used to recreate the tingly feeling some dude got in his genetals the first time he ever saw a girl for the first time so that he could get his friend who never leaves the house to experience the same feeling and ever since it’s just been that over and over, just the same guy’s dick-wiggle for thousands and thousands of years trying to worm it’s way into our hearts so his memory or his ghost or whatever can get it on with our capillaries. That is what romance is! Post-mortem cardio fucking!” He threw his cigarette on the ground, causing the ashes to scatter everywhere.
Silence scattered throughout the void, causing even myself to feel awkward. What? I think at him.
He looked back at me, terrified, then slowly moved back to his typewriter.
“Maybe I-I should write the next one?” he asked.
He took a deep breath and picked his cigarette back up. “Yeah. I need a break.”
He placed his fingertips on the keys. “Okay, so this time, I-I’m gonna write based on personality, not on colors.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’ll work, just blatantly ignore the importance of color schemes.”
He ignored himself. “So, opposites attract, right? So w-we’ll use the obvious introvert-extrovert dynamic. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. I-I believe it’s called FlutterPie.” He laughed at his own observation.
He spat on the ground. “Don’t say those words with my mouth, please.”
He shook his head and began typing.
“So it’s normal?” Pinkie asked the yellow pegasus as she brought her tea up to mouth. “Because I’m just worried silly over Gummy, I’ve been finding scales everywhere! In the sink!" She ducked underneath the table the two of them were sitting at and popped out of Fluttershy's sink. "On the floor!" She spun down the drain and popped out from a hole in the floorboards. "Outside the house!" She sunk into the hole and appeared on the outside of the window. "And it's got me absolutely spooked!" she called, her voice muffled by the glass. She ducked out of view.There was a knock at the door. Fluttershy got out of her chair and walked to the front door, opening it to find Pinkie. "Sorry, your door was locked."
Fluttershy nodded in understandment as she walked back to the table. "Well, for alligators, I'm not entirely sure. But most reptiles come to a time in their life where they start shedding."
"That's gonna be a pain for Twilight!" Pinkie observed.
Fluttershy nodded, then stared into space for a few seconds, imagining the horror of Spike shedding. She quickly shook her head of the image. "But from what you're describing, Gummy seems a little young to be shedding. Maybe it's stress related."
"Oh, I don't think it could be that!" Pinkie said, waving a hoof dismissively. "I make sure he's the most relaxed reptile in the region! I give him bubble baths, tummy massages, full three course meals, you name it! If anything stressful comes into our room, I make sure to cover his eyes!" She jumped on Fluttershy and covered her eyes with one of her hooves. "Just like this! Can't see anything, can ya?"
"Um, Pinkie Pie, I don't think..."
"Fine!" She brought her other hoof up to meet the first one. "There! Ponies have better eyesight, so you gotta use two hooves!"
"Pinkie, I'm sorry, but I think your de-stressing methods might be exactly what's causing him stress." Fluttershy said, lifting one of Pinkie's hooves of her eye.
"But but but-" Pinkie said, stepping back and sounding desperately confused.
"It seems to me like you, um, might just be, uh, smothering him," she said as she sat back down. "I know it's hard to hear, but..."
"Smothering? Gummy? No!" She shook her head frantically. "I make sure his airways are clear of any obstruction every morning!"
"I think your constant care of him isn't allowing him to mature as a pet. He still thinks he should behave like a baby, despite the fact his body is telling him he's growing up."
"But he's my baby! I love him!" Pinkie grabbed at her heart.
Flutter sighed. "I know it's hard to hear, but it's because you love him that you need to take a step back."
"But you're supposed to take the ones you love and hold them close and never ever EVER let them go!" She grabbed Fluttershy out of her chair and pulled her into a hug. "That's how love works!"
Fluttershy attempted to wrangle herself out of the deathgrasp. "Well, um, maybe for your family, but when it comes to the ones you take care of, like children or pets, sometimes, you have to take a step back and let them grow on their own, let them make their own mistakes, learn how to take care of themselves." She was let go by the pink pony, who was now in deep thought.
"I... I think that makes sense, actually." She began muttering to herself. "So, with family love, you hold them close and never ever ever let them go..." She grabbed Fluttershy for another death hug, "But with pet love, you have to take a step back." She lets go and took a few steps away. "I think I get it."
Fluttershy evened out her coat and nodded, smiling. "You can still be there for him, but let him know you believe in him doing things by himself." She picked up her teacup and took a sip.
"But, Shy, there's one more thing..."
She put down her glass. "Yes?"
"What about ponies that aren't in your family?"
Her head tilted. "Hmm?"
"How do you express your love for somepony that you aren't related to, and that isn't your pet?"
She gave Pinkie a confused look. "I'm... not sure what you mean. Do you mean like a friend? Cause I think you know about friendship, Pinkie, it's sort of in the title..."
"I mean, a little more than a friend." Pinkie sat down across the table from the yellow pegasus and put her hooves in the center, towards her. "Like, if you love somepony a lot, but in a weird, butterflies in the tummy kinda way."
"Oh, um... I think you might know more about that than me, Pinkie." Fluttershy averted her gaze. What was Pinkie getting at?
Pinkie leaned over the table, trying to get closer. "Well, if you want, I could... teach you."
"T-teach me?" Her cheeks began turning red.
"I mean, you taught me the right way to love a pet." She stood up straight. "Be there for him, but let him know you believe in him. Take a step back," she recited diligently. She leaned back down. "But you look like you could use some help from me."
"But, Pinkie," she said, looking down. "I... I wouldn't know where to start. You're not related to me, and I might only be able to love you like a pet. It would be very strange."
"I can be a pet! I can be a dog!" She turned around, and when she came to face Fluttershy again, she was wearing a dog mask. "A cat!" Another 360, this time wearing cat ears. "A bird!" She raised her forelegs, revealing them to be covered in feathers that seemed to be taped on. "And we can work our way up from there." She shook all of her accessories off.
"Well, I, uh, suppose, we could... try..."
"Yippee!" She jumped out of her chair and gave her a hug.
"Hold on." Fluttershy said, trying to get out of her chair. Pinkie let go and awaited eagerly as her companion walked to the fridge, and pulled out some sort of small container. "I think it's only appropriate that we share a glass of this. I give it to Angel sometimes. You, being my pet, would enjoy it." She giggled and uncapped it, pouring some into Pinkie's drink.
"Oh boy! I can be a rabbit, too!" She pulled out some rabbit ears from God-knows-where and placed them on her head. "What is it? Carrot juice? I bet carrot flavored tea would be amazing!" She quickly grabbed the cup and chugged the whole thing. Her face contorted. "Euck! Fluttershy, I don't mean to be a meanie, but this tea is absolutely icky!"
"It's not carrot juice," was all Fluttershy had to say in response.
"Then what ih ih?" Pinkie grabbed a hold of her face, which was now just beginning to feel numb. "Wuh? Wuh's goig ah?"
"It was a sedative. I use it when he just refuses to go to bed! Usually, I only have to put one or two drips in, but you being larger and all," She covered her mouth."I just mean larger than a rabbit! I don't think you're fat or anything, no!"
"Ih's fihe."
She sighed out of relief. "But you'll come to in a few hours. But that's all the time I'll need to get us started on our little teaching session."
The room began spinning, and Pinkie stuck her hoof out to try and grab onto the table, but to no avail. She slammed into the ground and began writhing. Colors began blending in her vision as she felt the numbness move its way through her body, until it all combined to make black.
She had a vision of Applejack and Rainbow Dash standing in front of the Apple Family Barn, which was on fire, and Applejack throwing a box onto the fire.
"Well, that's one problem solved." she said.
She woke up in what looked like Fluttershy's living room, only it was dark. The night sky could be seen through the window, which seemed to be a mile away from where she was. She stuck out her hoof to reach for it, but it collided with a metal bar. She looked around and saw that she was in a cage.
"Fuh-uh-i?" she called out.
"Oh, I'm over here!" a voice called from behind her.
Pinkie sloshed her body to face the other direction, knocking her head into more bars of the cage before finally seeing a yellow, slightly blurry being standing in front of her. "Wuh?"
"Well, you said you would be my pet. But of course, I can't have a pet that talks! It would be too hard to train if all my pets could talk back."
Pinkie tilted her head in confusion and fear.
"You know, I've only done the operation on a few parrots. And a crow. Of course, with you being larger... oh, darnit! You know what I mean, right?" she asked apologetically.
Pinkie nodded drunkenly.
She sighed from relief again. "I managed to get the whole thing out with no complications." She smiled victoriously at her achievement.
"Wuh?"
"Here." She picked up a mirror that she was keeping beside her on the floor and lifted it, so that Pinkie's eyes met with her reflection.
At first, nothing seemed too off. A mass of reddish colors. But then, her vision began to focus. There was a shade of red she wasn't used to seeing when she looked into the mirror. It was much darker than her normal complexion, and it was covering the lower half of he face.
Blood. Blood was pouring from her mouth, or at least had been at some point. It was dry now, she didn't see or feel it running down her face. She opened her mouth to scream, and didn't see the whites of her teeth, only more pink and red. She didn't see a tongue. She attempted to stick her hoof in her mouth frantically, missing on the first try and accidentally hitting herself in the eye. She closed the eye and put her hoof in mouth successfully, feeling a total lack of teeth or tongue.
"Now, I know it's going to be a little hard at first. I'm going to have to keep you on the sedative, to make sure you don't feel any pain until the nerves grow back in. But then we can start working on housetraining."
"Wai?" Pinkie cried out, her eyes starting to water.
"Because," Fluttershy responded, smiling a completely nonthreatening smile. "I love you."