//------------------------------//
// ...and Twilight Sparkle 
// Story: Johnny Spurs and A-hole Cat 
// by Daemon McRae 
//------------------------------//

The train rumbled through the desert at typical speeds, its passengers either eagerly awaiting their destination, reminiscing about what they'd left behind, or, in the case of our "heroes"...

"Sleeping. Amazing. How can they sleep through all of this?" Twilight asked, waving a hoof at the window, gesturing to the beautiful landscape of bright red sands and cliffs as they passed. They were currently making their way through Blushing Plains, a section of desert well-known and renowned for it's remarkably red sand, which was said to change shades based on how high the sun was in the sky.

Applejack glanced backwards over her shoulder at the two sleeping ponies and their cat. "Some ponies take this train often, sugarcube. It's no surprise they might have seen this all before. Now come on, tell me more about this excavatin' thing we're doin'."

Twilight looked back and forth between the snoozing trio and her friend, before drooping her shoulders a little. "Alright. Well, as you know, we're on our way to where Professor Bitton thinks he may have stumbled across the legendary gold mine, El Coriado."

A few booths away, an ear twitched.

"El Coriado?" Applejack asked. Another twitch. "That's that mine that's supposed to be lost forever, isn't it?"

"That's why this is so exciting!" Twilight responded, all of her glee over their adventure overwhelming her disappointment that anypony could sleep through it, even the trip there. "The train itself is taking us to Crosshair Junction, but you know that already. We're going to be there for a day or so, so the professor can put together the rest of his team." Another twitch, this time from a different ear.

"How many folk you think he's going to need for this job?" Applejack tilted her head as she asked, more than a little curious and slightly confused.

Twilight raised a hoof to her chin in thought. "Well, I know he's bringing in a couple of 'hired gums' or something like that for the trip there from Crosshair..." she answered thoughtfully.

Applejack laughed a little. "Uh, sugar? I think you mean 'hired guns'..." As of the word 'guns', all of three ears were a twitchin', and glances exchanged. "It means he's bringin' in some rough'n'tumble types to keep us safe while we do what we're doin'."

Twilight nodded. "Oh, ok! That makes much more sense. I don't know if they're going to accompany us into the mine, but it would be nice. That place is rumored to be very unfriendly to outsiders."

"Which is why we're balls crazy to even be on the train," Johnny muttered to Asshole. The cat snickered.

Shotgun hissed at them to be quiet, and went back to "sleep".

"Well, if it's as dangerous as you say, Twi, I'm sure they'll be happy to help," Applejack reasoned with a grin.

Spurs and Cat traded glances, and snickered to themselves.

"Yes, so do..." Twilight trailed off, staring over AJ's shoulder. "Oh, good, you're awake."

"Oh, no, she's spotted us, Batmare!" Asshole feigned distress in a whisper. "Whatever shall we do?"

"Quick, Cloppin," Johnny responded in the same hush tone, "Deploy the bucks!"

"But, Batmare, I don't have any left to give!" whispered Cat, as they all but laughed themselves out of the booth and off the table.

Shotgun glared daggers at them, climbing out of her booth to greet the two strangers. "Ah'm sorry about those two, they're a little... stupid. Pleased to meet ya', I'm Shotgun Gallop!" she added cheerfully, holding out a hoof.

Twilight shook it happily. "Nice to meet you! I'm Twilight Sparkle. I guess you must be the 'hired guns'," she joked, giving a cheesy wink.

'Oh, dear god, she's one of those,' Gallop thought to herself. "Uh... yes, ma'am. And who's your friend, there?"

Applejack, who up to this point hadn't moved to greet Shotgun, slid out of the booth, onto her hooves, and gave the newcomer a glance from under her wide-brimmed hat. "Hello, Gallop."

Gallop paused for a second in recognition, then lowered her head slightly to glare at AJ. "Well, if'n it isn't Applejack..."

Twilight stepped to the side, reading the tension, bumping into the side of another booth. One Johnny and Asshole had moved to to get a closer look. "Oh, this is gonna be so good." The pitch in Johnny's voice rose as he spoke, his excitement poorly veiled.

Asshole hopped onto his "owner's" head. "It usually is," Cat chuckled.

The two mares glared at each other for all of half a second before running straight-on into one another... in a great big hug.

"Jackie!" Gallop cried, throwing her hooves around the orange pony's neck.

"Gunny!" Applejack shouted, returning the gesture.

"Awww, yeah!" Johnny whooped, as they hugged. "I love it when AJ visits! Gallop, why didn't you tell me she was part o' this ordeal?"

Gallop released her grip and looked back to her partners. "I didn't know!" She looked back to Applejack. "How've you been, cider? Last any of us saw you was after them Flim-Flam brothers rolled by."

Twilight looked thoroughly confused. "Whoa!" she cried, waving her hooves. "Slow down! How do you know these ponies?" she asked, her tone slightly exasperated.

Asshole coughed.

"...and cat?" she added. Cat nodded his approval.

Applejack smiled as the group crowded into one booth to talk, Johnny and Gallop on one side, AJ and Twilight the other. Asshole just stretched out on the table. "Well, Twi, you remember my cousin Braeburn?"

Twilight's eye twitched. "..a bit."

That got a chuckle from the other three. Johnny had to hide his laughter behind his hoof. "Yeah, he's a bit... what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Rooty-tooty fresh and fruity?" Asshole offered. Spurs just laughed harder, while Gallop tried to not choke on air.

Applejack gave them all looks. "Hey, he's not that bad," she grumbled, then went back to talking to Twilight. "Well, these three crazy hombre's all live in Appleoosa, same as him. This here's Shotgun Gallop, who you've met." She gestured at the red-coated mare, who nodded. "She specializes in things that go boom."

"Pleased t' meet'cha," Gallop gave the unicorn a wide smile and a wink.

Twilight smiled and nodded in response, as AJ gestured to the boys. "And this here is Johnny Spurs and Asshole Cat, Appleoosa's very own problem solvers extraordinaire." The two tipped their hats to Twilight, Johnny extending a hoof.

"It's good to meet you. Applejack's dropped a couple of names before when she's visited, so I think I have the distinct advantage of knowing a little bit about you beforehoof," he explained.

Twilight shook his hoof. "It's nice to meet you. But I have to ask, 'Problem Solvers?' What exactly is it you guys do?"

Asshole grinned. "Whatever needs doin'. Johnny and I are your everyman team when it comes to sorting out problems. We take odd jobs nopony else wants. Some of them even WE don't want, actually," he mused, tapping his chin with a paw.

Twilight milled this over. "So is that why you guys decided to take the job guarding us on the way to the site?"

Johnny let loose a sigh. "Honestly, at this point I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just going where I'm told and doing whatever's needed. Right now it's just good timing to get out of town for awhile."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Alright, spill it. What'd you do this time?"

Johnny cringed with a smile, but before he could respond, Cat volunteered, "Dropped a rock slide on somepony's abusive coltfriend. Sheriff suggested we might want to take some time away from town to let things settle this time. We're not exactly excited about gettin' back, either."

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Way to be elegant, Asshole."

Twilight was about to protest his language when she remembered the cat's name. At which point she turned her attention to the snide feline. "Doesn't that bother you?"

The cat stared sideways at her. "What?"

"Your name? Everypony calling you... well... Asshole?" she said quietly, trying to be polite.

Gallop and Johnny exchanged glances, then snickers. Cat just grinned at her. "Sweetheart, I chose the name for myself. Cause that's what I am. I'm an asshole."

"O-diodio-diodio," Spurs muttered. Cat chuckled.

"I'm rude, crude, and usually nude, and I like it that way. And Johnny here's the only pony I know that can take all of it all the time," he explained, jerking his head back to gesture at his partner. "We live our lives the way we want, so feel free to say whatever you like. You'd have to get up earlier then dirt to rustle us."

Twilight's eyes widened slightly at his callous behavior, but she brushed it aside. For now. Especially since the train had reached the station. "Fillies and gentlecolts, we have arrived at our destination," said a pleasant southern belle-ish voice from over the intercom.

The group gathered up their things and hopped off the train, onto the platform. "Well, here we are, Crosshair Junc...tion..." said Applejack, realization slowly donning on her. She turned on her heel to say something, but too late.

Johnny had already started on ahead of them, Asshole with him. Gallop glanced at the other girls and sighed. "I knew it. I knew he was going to ditch us soon as we got here. Come on, girls, I know where to find them."

Twilight looked back and forth between Applejack and Shotgun. "Um, what's going on?"

The other two traded glances, until Gallop rolled her eyes. "Johnny and Asshole have a multitude of talents. Not really their special talent, per say. But they've picked up a lot of little tricks along the way. And Crosshair Junction is a playground for them, since a couple of those tricks include cards and pool-sharking."

Applejack rested a hoof on the shoulders of a very bewildered Twilight Sparkle. "Look, sugar. Crosshair Junction is known for three things: casinos, pretty mares, and a bar every other block. They could turn tricks here every day for a month and still find a pony they hadn't swindled yet."

"But... we should stop them, right? I mean, that's like stealing!" Sparkle protested.

Gallop just shook it off and walked on. "Oh, we will. But don't think they're going to raise a whole bunch of suspicion. There's pool sharks and card sharks and long cons every twenty paces here. It's the only reason Johnny agreed to go in the first place. They're both dirt poor, darling. And they hate it. So any chance they get to scrounge up more cash is heaven to 'em. Johnny especially."

"Why's that?" Twilight inquired, as she and AJ trotted to keep up with Shotgun.

The other two mares gave each other weary looks. "That's another story for another time," Gallop explained. "For now, let's just find the boys and get where we're s'posed to be going."

It didn't take anywhere near as long as Twilight though to track them down... they'd hit the first bar they found. The one right outside the train station. From a swindler's standpoint, it was perfect: full of ponies just getting ready to leave or just getting here, most of whom either didn't know what they were in for, or wouldn't be around long enough to do anything about it if they figured out what was going on at all.

As Gallop and the girls trotted through the front doors -quickly met with a rousing chorus of wolf-whistles and jeers, mind you- they spotted the boys setting up shop at a pool table in the back.

Johnny and Cat had taken to talking to two rather well-built stallions, chattering back and forth and sharing some hard-cider. "Come on, guys. You've got time. How about a round?" Spurs nudged one with his elbow, giving him a friendly, slightly tipsy wink-and-smile. The two big guys chuckled to each other and nodded.

The nudge-ie, a black stallion with a pocket watch for a Cutie Mark, nodded agreeably. "You know what? Sure. I got time for a game. But how about we make it more... interesting?"

Cat and Johnny traded wide-eyed glances. "Interesting?" Johnny asked apprehensively. "What do you mean?"

The other stallion, dark blue with a scroll and pen for his Mark, chuckled and pulled out a bag of bits. "How about... twenty bits each? Winner-take-all kind of thing."

Spurs and Cat looked back and forth between each other and the big guys. Cat nodded slightly. "Uh, sure, I guess," he answered slowly.

Johnny rustled around in his coat for his bag of money. Cash that Gallop didn't know he had, having just spoken to him about his status of "flat-broke" earlier that day. He dropped the bag sloppily on the table. "Is this enough?" he asked hesitantly.

The black colt nodded. "Yeah, sure," he jeered, pulling out a pool cue.

It was over in minutes. Johnny tucked away his new-found winnings into his coat as the big guys glanced at each other, not sure what had just happened. Asshole hopped onto Johnny's back, and grinned. "Window or aisle, boys? The train leaves in a few minutes."

The stallions were about to say something when they took a look at the clock and realized the cat was right- they had to go! As they trotted out of the bar and up to the station, the girls caught up with Spurs and Cat. Applejack shook her head disapprovingly. "Don't you boys ever get sick of scrounging off of thickheads like that?"

Johnny and Cat gave each other meaningful looks. "Nah," they chorused, and trotted out of the bar.

Twilight, still not sure what all had happened, dropped her head in dismay. "This is going to be a very long journey..."