//------------------------------// // Worst Legacy Evar // Story: One Thousand Years Ago // by Opticlaudimix //------------------------------// The two sisters simply stared blankly ahead at the enraged king, his clear blue eyes shining even in the darkness. "Uh... I wanted to see if crystal ponies could catch on fire," Celestia answered. Luna prodded her sister's shoulder. "Tia... I think he looks really constipated. Like, really badly in a bad way." "Enough!" The king charged forward, materializing a diamond sword. "I will not allow you to further harm my empire!" "Support his majesty! Forward!" A large chunk of the group charged as well, while some stayed back, aiming their strange crystal guns at the two sisters. Celestia conveniently threw up on the ground in front of her, causing the king to slip in the bile and fall forward from his momentum. He quickly teleported behind Celestia, suddenly glowing a translucent blue from Luna's magical aura. The king raised his sword in preparation to strike, only to groan and collapse onto the floor, clutching his stomach as the back of his armor suddenly turned a dark brown. "King Soma!" shouted one of the soldiers. "Lemme guess, his original name was King Soma and not King Sombrero?" asked Cadence. "Correctamundo," Luna slurred. "You know, I've always wondered who the hell came up with the sombrero. Just why? Do we really need a hat that freaking big?" Celestia spread her hooves apart to demonstrate her point. "It was to protect the zebras from your harsh sun you numbskull," Luna monotoned. "THEY NEED TO LEARN TO LOVE IT." Luna groaned. "They never will if you keep up that attitude. The only reason they're even thriving right now is because I provide them resources at night." Celestia glared at her sister. "Is that why there's randomly mud there in the morning?! Have you been giving them rain behind my back???" Luna chuckled as she sipped her glass. "No, you told me it's okay for my night guards to provide additional support that the pegasi fail to provide during the day." "They don't fail to provide rain to the zebras! That's intentional!" Cadence nervously smiled. "Uh, a bit off topic much?" "Oh, right... yeah, sorry, that was was really unnecessary. Buck it, we're probably gonna get drunk soon." Celestia chugged down another glass. Luna raised her glass. "Aren't we all?" Celestia chugged down the rest of her glass before throwing it across the room. "Oh yeah by the way Cadence, King Soma is your great great great something grandfather... *hic*." Cadence's eyes widened. "WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! Wait what?" Luna levitated a glass from a nearby cabinet to Celestia. "Yeah, he raped your great great great something grandmother once he went evil and insane and everything. It's coming up in the story don't worry. Oh hey that rhymed!" "Is that why my family line is so messed up? Like, even after doing tons of research, I still can't really find anything about anypony." Celestia carefully poured more moonshine into her glass. "Well, haven't you ever thought about why you were found in a forest as a filly?" It's cause your father raped your mother, who gave birth to you in a really inconvenient spot. Thank me you were found by the earth pony locals, otherwise you probably would have lived a really really short life." "Oh, and your dad's name was Dirtbag, I think your mom's was Shining Sky," Luna added. Cadence scowled. "So am I like the only good pony in my family line?" "Well, your family tree had its fair share of rape, but it also had tons of miraculous recoveries. Like, most of the rape spawn were incredibly successful ponies or grew up to be heroes. I mean, just look at Starswirl, first half crystal pony ever and he lived a badass life." Celestia began twirling her glass around, spilling a bit of the drink. "Well, that's also cause he was the son of King Soma, who was the only crystal unicorn, so ya'know, insane powers and all that since his mom was also a unicorn. Like no joke, I'm pretty sure crystal unicorns to them are like alicorns for us." "And just look at yourself now, the crystal princess! Plus you stopped Prismia when you were so young! " Luna grinned. "Except, I'm pretty sure we were drunk when we made you a princess, cause we didn't exactly give you anything to rule until just now," Celestia paused for a bit, taking a sip as she pondered. "Actually, scratch that, we WERE drunk when we did that. My excuse was that you were like ten percent crystal, so that's probably good enough to be a crystal princess." Luna shot Celestia a dirty look. "Wait a minute! I wasn't even there when you did that, so I wasn't drunk! Have you been secretly breaking our promise?" "Maybe." Celestia took another sip. "Besides, you're borderline drunk right now." "Eh, good point," Luna admitted. Cadence held up a hoof. "Okay, before any of us say anything stupid again, how about we continue with the rest of the story?" She took a drink for her own glass. "We'll do all that goofy drunk stuff after the story. Besides, if Celestia wasn't drunk I"d never be a alicorn, so I'm totally okay with this." As dozens of soldiers began to charge towards the Celestia and Luna, the two of them took to the sky, now dodging tiny needle-like crystal bullets fired at them. "Tia I'm scaaaaared! Why do they keep trying to kill us?" "I don't know Lulu, I JUST DON'T KNOW!!! And, plus, uh, I'm starting to hate this place! Let's go back home!" The two sisters suddenly disappeared in a bright flash of light. The soldiers glanced around in confusion, failing to sight their targets. "Damnit! Where did they go?!" "Search the area! They couldn't have gone too far away!" The group dispersed as they combed the darkened streets, while a few stayed behind assisting Soma, who was still collapsed on the floor. "Ugh... what the hell was that?" muttered Soma. One of the soldiers sniffed a few times before scrunching his face. "Your majesty, are you alright? You appeared to have, uh..." "Shut up, I can see that." Soma slowly got up, still clutching his stomach. "My lord, you require medical assistance! Somebody get a field medic! There's no telling what those hell spawn did to our king!" "Dude. I'm right here." A soldier tapped his helmet's insignia of a ruby cross. "Lemme just take a quick look here–" "No. Get me to the crystal heart. We need to restore the empire back to its pristine state, I will not allow our capitol to fall so easily to the first attack," huffed Soma. "Yeah, that's going to be real easy once I heal you up first your majesty." He pulled out a clear crystal screen and held it up against Soma. It displayed an internal diagram of the king's body, flashing red in the lower regions. "Woah. Okay, all your intestines are squished... that's gotta hurt like hell." Soma continued to gasp, now coughing out blood. "How long will it take for you to heal me?" "A whole day if you let me work my surgery magic." The medic lifted a hoof as a diamond scalpel extended from his vambrace, glowing a bright white as it heated up. "Just gotta put in some synthetic crystal intestines, maybe just throw all that out all together and just make you powered by energy rather than food–" "No! That takes too long! My empire needs me now!" The king suddenly disappeared in a flash of light. "Maybe even give you wings and a burrito dispenser... hey! What the heck?! Seriously? Fine, keep being a normal crystal unicorn. Not like I wanted to help or anything." Another soldier groaned. "Just shut up Splicer." At the center of the empire lay the now heavily distorted crystal heart, barely even resembling a heart in its current state. Soma simply stared at it in absolute shock, having never seen such dark, hate-fueled magic. The jagged heart looked like a shard of obsidian, with smaller obsidian growths protruding from random cracks that emitted a strange purple mist. Soma raised a foreleg, reaching for the beloved heart. When his hoof touched the jagged surface, the cracks immediately glowed with a sickly green light. He drew back, horn glowing bright as he attempted to cease whatever magical reaction he might have incited. Suddenly, the green light retracted, and the crystal buildings began to regain their diamond colored hue. Soma looked around in confusion, before turning back to the heart to witness a smoky purple appendage emerge and wrap around his horn. "GAH! What the... AAAAAAAHH!!!" Soma's horn began to morph, slowly tilting upwards and forming a curve as cracks spread across, bleeding furiously. His body began to dull, forming flesh as his crystal skin disappeared. Meanwhile, the crystal heart began to regain its color as the cracks closed and protrusions shrunk. Soma began to glow a hideous shade of purple, crying in pain. "NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A massive black cloud erupted from the center of the empire, trails of purple mist following behind as the crystal heart started to glow again, spinning in place as the crystal empire began to glow as brightly as it always had. Even with the empire's illumination restored, nothing could be seen inside the black and purple mist now rising into the sky. Within the smoke cloud, a pair of blood red irises opened, enclosed by a menacing green sclera. The eyes blinked as a green glow ignited, trailing behind purple wisps. "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"