//------------------------------//
// We're All Mad Here 
// Story: Discord's Helping Hoof 
// by The Wizard of Words 
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“Oh, that was quite a thrill!” Discord mused gleefully to himself. “So that’s what it feels like to help out a pony in need.” A deep chuckle followed his words. “I could get used to such twists. But!” He raised his claw as he spoke, stopping in his tracks. “This is no time to relax! The day is still young, and I still have magic to spare.”

To prove his point, the draconequus threw his paw and claw into the air.

Instantly, fireworks and colorful explosions erupted from behind him.

Even under the bright lights of the sun, the explosions and displays that practically screamed in volume brought no shortage of blindness and deafness to the nearby ponies. The stallions and mares ran away from the Mad God, screeching like the dead were walking.

Then in a flash, the noise, lights, and colors were gone, leaving behind only a very amused Discord.

“Oopsie,” he spoke aloud, putting his flat lion’s paw to his chin with a mischievous look of innocence. “That’s another pony’s trick, and I’m everything but a copycat.” His claw ran up his long face, pulling the end of his head up into itself. Momentarily, his entire skull looked like it was deformed, being pushed into itself. If there were any ponies left around him, they doubtlessly would have run by now.

But then he let his claw extend, releasing his own face. It flopped back into position, taking the shape he had pushed it into.

Even with the innocent face of a cat, Discord’s smile looked more terrifying than many of the nightmares foals conjured up. The low chuckle that came from behind his now feline appearance did not help. It was fortunate those pony had fled already.

“Ah, but I digress with myself.” His paw slapped over his face, pulling it outwards to its original length. It snapped back into place, his lips held outwards in a pout. “One good deed isn’t enough for me. Odd as the number is, it’s just too predictable to use.”

The draconequus started to walk again, this time down a now-barren street. The talons of his claw slowly slipped through the hairs on the end of his beard as he thought deeply on the subject. But no matter how many avenues he took through the twisted and reversed corridors of his mind, Discord could not find an answer to his conundrum. 

“Perhaps I’m thinking about this the wrong way.” He mused to himself. “Perhaps… instead of thinking in terms what could be wrong… I should be thinking of what could be better?” His paw wagged up and down as he spoke. “Gotta think different to act different.” The draconequus shivered at the words, specks of ice falling from his coat as he did so. “Eh, that made too much sense.”

Regardless, Discord snapped his finger, creating once more a flash of light. It summoned a deck of cards in front of him. He clasped them between his forelimbs. Then, with well practiced skill, he began to flick through the deck.

The cards sorted and flipped around in his paw, weaving through the talons of his claw as he expertly shuffled them. He did all of it with a bored expression. Card tricks were, after all, the most overused trick in the book.

“In my hand I hold fifty two,” Discord spoke to himself as he continued to maneuver the cards. “A number that is neither too many nor too few. When I drop this from my hand, the two facing up will be the next in my plan.” The draconequus followed his own words.

The small deck of cards fell the tall distance from his height to the ground, scattering on impact. They flipped and turned in the air, some being taken by the wind and others weighing down one another. It took only a moment, but after that moment, the fifty two cards were lying across the ground on a barren street.

There were only two cards on the ground that were not face down. Discord smiled amused as he spoke their names.

“The Jack and Queen of Clubs,” the draconequus mused at the only two cards remaining face up on the ground. His smile grew wry as his twisted mind began to work. “Clubs are the odd suit, more curves and bends than any other. The jack is a follower who pretends to lead and a queen is a leader who pretends to follow.” His paw slowly beat on the tip of his forehead.

“Now who do I know like that?” His smile nearly broke apart his face.

Then, in a sudden flash of light, he was gone.





A pan fell from Mrs. Cake’s muzzle. Her jaw hung open even as the metal clanged against the ground. The sweets she had placed upon the sheet scattered along the floor, ruining them. However, she nor her husband paid them any mind.

Their eyes were too focused on the draconequus standing in the doorway, smiling down at them with crooked teeth, lips, and eyes.

“Well, good evening Mr. and Mrs. Cake.” Discord offered the greeting kindly, bowing lowly to the two ponies in the treat shop. “I do hope you’ll forgive the intrusion, but I wanted to pay you two a bit of a visit. Oh!” His voice picked up as he saw the sweet treats scattered along the floor. “Ten second rule!”

Their reactions were far less jovial than Discord’s greeting.

“Hello… Discord.” Mrs. Cake spoke for the couple, lightly trotting over to the counter as she did so. “I, um… I don’t suppose you’re here to buy something.” As the mare expected, the draconequus wagged his finger in rejection.

“Sorry, but no. I was actually popping in for a spell. You know how it goes. You get bored, you decide to go out, suppress the urge to cause mass panic and mayhem, the usual.” Both ponies and the draconequus in the store shuddered. Two from the chill of fear, one from the sickening thought of being ordinary. “Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to see the sights, get a new view on the town I was so close to improving before.”

The couple shared nervous look towards one another. Discord watched, enraptured, as Mr. Cake stared as his wife with a visible twitch in his lips, one eye quivering as if fighting off a blink. His wife was in much the situation, except her mannerisms were far more contained. She simply bit on her lips. When the mare of the pair turned back to the draconequus, she began to speak.

“I… I’ll be honest, I never imagined I’d see you in here.” When Discord blinked, she continued. “I just can’t imagine a reason why you’d need us.” The draconequus raised his paw to his forehead, leaning back as if struck.

“Truly?” He spoke in a pained whisper. “You’d think I’d never visit the home of one of my greatest friends? Why, Pinkie Pie can’t stop talking about you two.” The earth ponies exchanged another quick glance to one another. Even with their years of marriage, neither one knew what to tell the other with their short silent conversation. “The girl goes on and on about how you two make some of the best chocolate milk she’s ever had. I was partial to having a taste-- that is, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh!” Mr. Cake spoke up from the kitchen door. “S-Sure thing! I’ll whip up a quick batch of it right now, our treat!” He was gone before his wife or guest could saw a word otherwise, leaving the two alone in the store’s lobby. Discord had to suppress a small chuckle as he heard the pink mare swallow a ball in her throat. No matter how ‘good’ he became, he’d never tire of making such an impact on a pony by presence alone.

“S-So,” Mrs. Cake began with a nervous air. “How… How are you doing today?” Discord smiled kindly to the mare. He may not be used to speaking on such predictable subjects, but if he was to impress Fluttershy, he had to bear a bit of shame. Besides, he reasoned, he would soon be fixing two problems with one snap.

“Oh it’s been a lovely day, thank you for asking.” He smiled deeply and genuinely to her. “I was actually out on a stroll. Being cooped up all day is bad for the scales.” Discord demonstrated his point by peeling away a thin layer of the scales that clung to him. Mrs. Cake held her breath to keep herself from gagging.

“S-So,” she attempted to recover herself. “I take it that you want to see Pinkie? I… Well I think that’s why you’re here, right?” If Discord were just a normal pony, Mrs. Cake would have taken his smile as a sign of affirmation. With the draconequus, she wasn’t sure if she had challenged his stallionhood. When he started speaking, her fears were alleviated.

“Actually, I already spoke with her.” The words surprised the mare. Then again, coming from the master of chaos, she could expect little different. “Ran right into her while I was floating about town. Her attitude was almost cheery enough to make me explode! Fortunately, I did that before she spotted me.” Mrs. Cake swallowed on a ball in her throat.

“Th-then, um…” she fished desperately for a topic. Her husband was due back soon; at least he’d better have been. “You two talked then, right?”

“In fact we did!” Discord spoke pleasantly, snapping his scales back to his body. “It was a pleasant conversation over a nice lunch salad. She had the greens, I had the wood.” The pink mare raised her brows in curiosity, but agreed with her better judgment to not ask the question that came to her mind. She instead asked another.

“What did you two discuss then? I trust it was a nice topic?” The draconequus’s head nodded in affirmation. It was a fierce enough shake to free one of his ears. He caught in his paw before it fell onto the counter.

“So sorry, I have a hard time keeping track of myself sometimes.” The display did not calm the earth pony’s gut, and the words and laughter that followed did little as well. “Actually, we talked about how I could do more… well for lack of a more appropriate word, good.” Mrs. Cake felt her eyes blink.

“Do… good?” The draconequus let out a soft sigh as she said the word.

“Yes, good, helpful stuff basically. Being perfectly honest with you, it’s not my forté.” His mismatched eyes briefly admired his outstretched paw, flipping it over and back with a bored flick. He had mastered that move by now. “But I’ve never been one to enforce the status quo, so it makes sense that, eventually, my harmful nature has got to go.”

The pink mare stared at the large draconequus with a feeling she couldn’t describe.

On one part, her revulsion for a monster that so enjoyed the sickest parts of the world did little good for her mind, heart, or especially her soul. How such a creature such as he was deserving of the power he held was far beyond her.

Then again, Pinkie had taught Mrs. Cake, in her own special way, to always be open to new things. Offering chances to things you didn’t expect was often the only way to be surprised. And, if Discord was genuine with his wish to help others, it would only be in her best interest to encourage him. After all, giving ponies a second chance was what Pinkie Pie was all about. It only made sense that Mrs. Cake took after the mare that had done such a fine job making, and keeping, friends.

“Here’s your chocolate milk, sir!” Mrs. Cake felt a weight slip and fall from her back as her husband trotted back into the room. A tray was sitting on his back, complete with a tall glass of dark brown liquid, straw and cherry included.

“Why that looks exquisite!” Discord complemented, reaching for the tray from the earth pony. He didn’t have time to move or offer the glass alone.

Then, the couple watched in mixed horror and disbelief as the draconequus ripped off pieces of the milk and chewed them like pie. He sipped the tray and glass down in two gulps, licking his lips when he was done. The straw and cherry that remained were thrown behind him and out the stable door. The two grimaced as they heard a soft pop come from outside. They didn’t dare check on what it was.

“So!” Mr. Cake practically screamed as soon as Discord was done. “What were you two talking about?”  Mrs. Cake felt the weight fall back onto her. This time, it had a hogtie on it. She was rather sure it wasn’t going anywhere.

“Why your fine wife and I were just talking about my reformation.” His claw motioned to the mare as he spoke. “It looks like both Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie agree that I have to do a few good deeds to stave off my perpetual and likely eternal boredom. The good won’t last forever, but, then again, I will.” Discord was only barely able to hide a deep chuckle as his ears heard the stallion swallow on something.

“W-Well,” he began to speak, eyes scanning the shop desperately for something. Discord, for his part, had no idea what the stallion was planning. And for that, he was curious. And for that, he was interested.

“Our sales are a bit low this month.” Discord snapped his claws without a flash of magic.

“Then are you looking for a few extra bits?” He flipped his lion paw towards the couple, unfurling the digits to reveal an impressive pile of golden bits in his grip. The pair sucked in a quiet breath of air at the sight.

“Or maybe you two are just looking for a few extra ponies in here?” Discord flicked his tail left and right. It grew larger with every swipe. Finally, when it stretched to the room’s opposite wall, the draconequus slowly drew it back towards himself. Like drawing a curtain, ponies began to appear from behind it, each one more shocked than the last.

“Where am I!?” The first shouted in fear.

“Where’d my bathroom go?” The second pony asked, playing with her wet mane.

“Is that Discord!?” The rest of the ponies following the third only began to whimper in fear and shock.

“How’s this?” The Mad God said to the Cakes, paw and claw motioning towards the line of ponies. The couple’s terrified expressions were evidence enough of their displeasure.

With small pout, Discord snapped his claws, making all the ponies in their store disappear. He was so close, too; he did make himself smile.

“Well, how about-” A pair of blue hooves shot into the air before he could finish his thought.

“Wait!” Mrs. Cake shouted at him. Discord blinked in surprise. He wasn’t used to being shouted at. Usually ponies were far too afraid to raise their voice at him. They usually settled for snarls or growls. He didn’t know how to feel about shouting. It was different, but it somehow felt… insulting.

“Look, Mr. Discord,” Mr. Cake spoke, earning the draconequus’s attention. “I… we… yes, we appreciate you trying to help us, but all we really need is just… something to help us sell our sweets… well… better.”

“Better?” Discord spoke for the stallion again. “As in, make them better?”

“No!” Mrs. Cake shouted at him again. The draconequus was quickly becoming annoyed with it. Not a common thing. “We don’t need any help! We… We’re just in a slow month, that’s all.” The mare quickly calmed the more she spoke, deep breaths coming between her words, lowering herself to the floor when she was done. Discord watched her with raised brows.

“Really, I can’t help you at all?” His claw scratched at the edge of his beard. That answer sounded like they wanted him to do nothing. Nothing was predictable, status quo per say. He couldn’t walk away form that easily. “Oh, I think I can do something.”

“Discord,” Mr. Cake spoke again. “Short of causing mass mayhem, there isn’t much you can do to help us.” The words made the draconequus smile broadly.

The action did not go unseen.

“What did I say?” Mrs. Cake took notice of the tinge of regret in her husband’s voice. Her gaze rapidly shifted from him to the tall draconequus standing across the counter.

“Why the perfect idea in fact!” The draconequus announced with his paw to the air. “Why it kills three birds with one spell!” He flicked his scaly wrist at the words. “Mayhem is what I do best, but there are so many different kinds of mayhem! Who says it has to be destructive?”

“W-what do you mean?” Mrs. Cake felt her legs begin to shake as Discord’s forelimbs started to rotate like he was getting ready for something. She just knew it.

“The only common ground to mayhem is that it’s impossible to look away from. It doesn’t have to destroy anything, not even, unfortunately, the normalcy of your lives. But!” He flicked his paw up as he spoke. A trail white dust flung off his furry index finger as he did so. “And honestly here, I can’t think of a better way to make your business boom that to give it a bit of…”

His tongue rolled around his lips as he thought, eyes doing the same around his lids. It was odd, and a bit disturbing to the Cake parents, to watch his eyes and tongue roll around in opposite directions. But then, with a snap of his claw, they fell back into place. A satisfied smile draped over his crooked lips.

“Pizazz!”  Another snap, then Discord’s favorite state of affairs came to life.

Chaos.

What the cakes expected was a bang or two, perhaps with a bit of flash of or display of confetti. It was the least of what Pinkie Pie had prepared them for. It was also just as likely that the Mad God would simply hang a dozen too many ribbons around the shop. It would be something between the subtle Fluttershy and flamboyant Pinkie. What they didn’t expect was what they should have.

Their pastry treats came to life and to started dancing around the shop.

The pies started to spin into the air, flying like Frisbees. The cakes started to dance, bouncing up and down in their metal pans across the counters and high display shelves in the shop. The cupcakes started to tango with one another, spinning around in small groups in a dizzy display that didn’t’ just capture, but enraptured, the eye.

That wasn’t to mention the sprinkles that rained down on the undecorated cupcakes, giving them a swirling pattern like rainbows. It wasn’t even paying mind to the clouds of whip cream the pies were flying through. And it definitely wasn’t even noticing the fruits and icing that seemed to grow on the dancing cakes.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake were left slack jawed as their food literally danced, grew, and rained around them. The crowd that started to appear in front of their store would have only been shocked if it was there at all.

“Well, I guess my job here is done!” Discord spoke merrily over the clanging pots, pans, and other holders for their sweets. “Do let me know how the crowd enjoys the show. Now you two enjoy the sales!” With a bark of laughter, the draconequus was gone in flash of white.





“Ugh!” A pegasus grunted as her side hit a stray cloud. Her lips snarled at the puffy substance. “Dang it! You just messed up my trick.” She pointed a hoof at the offensive puff of white vapor. “Quit screwin’ up my tricks dang it!” She huffed at the cloud before turning around and flying back into the sky.

Rainbow Dash scowled at nothing as she flapped her wings through the sky. She squinted up into the deep blue as her speed began to increase. There wasn’t a cloud ahead of her now. Everything that could possibly mess up her trick was far beneath her, floating around for other pegasi to manage or dissipate.

She had something more important to focus on.

Dash felt the air around her getting a bit thinner, the only sign the pegasus needed to know she was reaching the height she had to. Her wings stopped flapping by her command, slowing her ascent.

Then came the euphoria.

Many ponies who thought of the Rainbow Dash thought of a mare who loved to fly, who loved to go fast, and who loved to go her own way. They were right, of course, but there was another reason why she loved to do all those things.

Her friends may have been able to guess it, but none of them actually knew it. When a pegasus stops flapping their wings, they fall. And falling, as Rainbow Dash would eloquently put it, sucked. However, if you fell in the right way, you didn’t fall down. What Rainbow Dash loved about flying was the way she made herself fall.

Rainbow Dash loved to be suspended.

As she was now, hanging at the height of her flight without moving. Neither going up nor down, left or right. Just hanging in the air without a sound to interrupt her or force to sway her. In all honestly, it was bliss.

Then, with a slow release of air, the pegasus began to drop down again.

Her wings were held out to their fullest length, guiding the mare as she descended with speed. The wind began to whip at her, threading through her prismatic mane and flowing through her feathers. Like a massage only nature could give, the pegasus enjoyed the fall as much as the ascent. She loved the suspension, but she was no further away from loving the speed.

But time passed quickly when you fell without restraint, and now, Dash knew the ground was fast approaching. She had maybe… ten seconds until impact. That was plenty of time. She took in a breath of air, pulled her head back, and enjoyed the last few seconds of freefall she had left. Then, with a quick flap of her wings, her descend started to slow.

Then Rainbow Dash hit another cloud.

The mare’s perspective was heavily skewed as she spun through the air, one wing clipped and forced close while the other flapped madly to control herself. Too used to situations like this, Rainbow could only growl in annoyance as her focus was heavily spun.

She felt her body impact another cloud, but this time, it stopped her solid. For the moment of peace she had, she thought about being thankful that it was a cloud she landed on and not the ground. The notion was quickly thrown away. A cloud did mess up her fall, er… trick.

“Ugh,” she groaned as she opened her eyes, staring up into the blue sky above her. White puffs hung at the edges of her vision. “Wonder how far that was?” The pegasus rolled over the cushion surface of the cloud, turning to see the ground beneath her. What she was looking for was a rough guess of how close she was to the ground.

What she got instead was the full view of a large crowd gathered beneath her

“Huh?” Dash spoke as her eyes landed on the group of ponies. Normally, they’d be looking up at her awesome tricks, wishing they could fly half as good as she could. But right now, they weren’t looking up at her at all. They were looking at some store.

Curiosity took over Rainbow Dash as she began to descend. She was sure there were no new shops opening up, not without Rarity giving her an earful about what they would be selling. The same thing went for any new ponies. If there was a new pony in town, there would have been an invitation from Pinkie Pie to boot. The two always went hoof in hoof.

However, once she was floating above the heads of the ponies beneath her, the reason for the crowd’s gathering became rather obvious.

Mostly due to one of the many flying pies landing square on her muzzle.

Rainbow held her position in the air as the metal tin of the pie slowly fell from her face. She felt the gooey center slide over her coat, sticking to it possessively and doubtlessly staining her fibers the color of the fruit. By the small amount she tasted, it was blueberry. At least it wouldn’t be too noticeable. That little bit of knowledge didn’t keep the scowl from her face as the pan finally fell away.

“Alright!” Dash yelled, earning the immediate attention of the ponies beneath her. “Who’s the prankster here?!” Her hoof jabbed at her face as she spoke. “Somepony’s gonna pay for-”

“Rainbow!” The pegasus stopped as her voice was called. She looked down towards the front of the crowd, looking at a pair of ponies jumping in the air with their hooves waving back and forth. Dash recognized them almost instantly.

“Mr. and Mrs. Cake?” She spoke their name uncertainly, hovering down closer to the pair. “What in the name of Celestia is going o-” Rainbow never got any further.

Once she was within distance, the shop pair grabbed her with two pairs of forehooves, dragging her back into the shop and closing the door behind her. The pegasus’s perception returned to her quickly, only for it to be questioned by what she saw.

Her jaw was open to speak, but was too mesmerized by the sweet treats dancing around the shop. She shut her wings and landed on the ground for fear of getting the clouds of sprinkles mixed into her feathers, or getting another pie to the face. But no matter how long she looked at the display, she still found it hard to remember just why she had come here.

“Rainbow!” Oh yeah, that’s why. “Thank goodness you’re here!” The pony pair were right in front of the pegasus, both of their hooves pushing on her shoulders. “We were worried we’d be stuck with this mess for the rest of the week!” Mrs. Cake nearly shouted at Dash.

Ever the calm mare, collected and thoughtful of what she did, Dash put her forehooves up to the two sets holding her, took in a deep breath and lowered the two with her athletic strength. Then, with a calm collected mind, she spoke to the pair in a gentle, restrained tone.

“I’ll ask again,” she began. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF LUNA IS GOING ON?!?!”

The flying pastries stopped for a moment. The Cake couple felt their fur blown back by the noise. Dash took heavy breaths of air as she tried to calm herself down. It didn’t take long for the pastries to start flying again.

“Okay, okay,” the pegasus spoke in between her breathes. “I’m good, it’s good, sort of good. Now,” her pink eyes looked to Mr. and Mrs. Cake. “Can you guys tell me just what is going on here?”

“Discord.” Mrs. Cake didn’t leave any room for tact. “Discord did this.”

Dash felt like putting her hoof to her head. Of course it was Discord. She didn’t know a unicorn who would enjoy this kind of stuff. Maybe an earth pony or two, but no unicorn and definitely no pegasi. Not enough room to fly.

“Alright, Discord did this, not too shocked here.” Rainbow scoffed as she talked. “But I’ll give the guy what I can. He doesn’t do this stuff without a reason, even if it does make about as much sense as cotton candy clouds.”

“Oh, well,” Mr. Cake began to speak, one of his forehooves running up and down the coat of his leg. “He did come in here earlier… and I may have told him that… business was slow…”

As Mrs. Cake was talking, Rainbow put the pieces together in her head and it clicked.

“No, wait, let me guess.” Dash interrupted as she held up one of her hooves. “He took that as an invitation to mess things up for the ‘better’, am I right?” The two nodded at her words, though the yellow stallion seemed less than pleased with admitting his fault. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“So… you knew he would do this?” Mrs. Cake asked with a raised brow. She tucked soon after she rose it, avoiding a saucer of pie as she did so.

“Ye-no,” Dash shook her head, just after sarcastically preparing herself to say yes. “I know the dude well enough to know he’s looking for any little thing to mess with. What he does with it, I doubt either Luna or Celestia knows.” The mare she spoke to her cocked her head while nodding. Dash sighed afterwards.

“So, um… I hate to ask this, but,” Mr. Cake started to speak, but Rainbow was ten paces ahead of him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll find Discord and set him straight. I’m sure he just needs a reminder of who’s in charge.” Her head began to bob up and down, ideas of how the confrontation with the draconequus would play out. “It’ll take no time at all.”

“That’s… how long now?” Mrs. Cake questioned innocently. Dash, however, took it like a challenge.

“Hey, I’m the Rainbow Dash!” The cyan pegasus spoke triumphantly as she struck a proud pose. “I’ll get this done in… 10 minutes flat!”

Before either pony could say a word of question or protest, Dash was gone in a blue blur, their doorway bell ringing violently in protest to her escape. The crowd of ponies outside the door had a path cleared through them, most of the ponies lying on the ground with dumbstruck expressions.

“Think she’s going to be back soon?” Mrs. Cake whispered to her husband as she stared out the door. Said stallion opened his mouth to respond.

A cake landed on top of Mr. Cake’s head.

The crowd began to snicker in laughter.

“I don’t know, but this is gonna be a looong day.” Mrs. Cake nodded her head in agreement with her husband.