//------------------------------//
// Chapter 13- Friendship for Dummies... by Dummies 
// Story: Building Walls, Burning Bridges 
// by MonolithiuM 
//------------------------------//

	"Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." ~Muhammad Ali 

"Hey Mono, could you-"

I held up a single gloved hand to Script. "Not. A word." I then proceeded to walk further into my room, which had recently become the base of operations for our growing company. I trudged to the mini bar set up on the opposite side of the room. No, I had not been examining my room often.

With Fancy, Fleur, and Script watching me, I began mixing a drink together. 

"Mono? What happened?"

I ignored Fleur and continued to add tomato juice and hot sauce to my glass of vodka. I calmly grabbed a straw and began mixing together my Bloody Mary. I may have been a junior back in my world, but I still knew how to mix a drink.

Yes, high school life was fantastic. No, I never drank before then.  

I dropped the straw into the drink and let it hit the side of the glass. Bringing the alcohol to my lips, I took a sip and coughed once. "Too much hot sauce…" 

I closed my eyes and furrowed my brows. "Two days from now, I will be enrolled in the Ponyville Schoolhouse." While their jaws dropped, I took another sip.

"The reason for this is so that I can put down a debt owed to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, two of which are sisters to the Elements of Harmony." Another sip. "The debt is that I must aid them in the Harmonious Sports Tournament." 

Fancy Pants and the girls held their breath while I finished my drink. Letting out a sigh, I placed my empty glass on the bar table and opened my eyes. "Now, give me some good news."

Fleur Dis Lee cleared her throat and levitated some papers in front of her. "There are three wealthy individuals whom my husband and I call friends." At my expectant look she continued with her explanation. 

"Their names are Upper Crust, Hoity Toity and Swell Wage. Of course, a portion of our wealth will also pour into this effort. We are well on our way to making this idea of yours a success!" 

She gave a dainty little giggle while I mixed together another Bloody Mary. "Fancy? Give me something."

The stallion in the room cleared his throat and smiled. "Why yes, my dear chap, good news indeed." 

I raised an eyebrow while I curbed the amount of hot sauce, didn't want a burnt throat on top of this stress.

"Flim and Flam have been found in Fillydelphia, working as garbage-colts. I have already sent my protege Fritter to their place of work to recruit them. They will also have a carriage awaiting them." He gave a nod and a concerned frown while I finished my drink in one gulp. Yes, it still burnt my throat. 

I let out a burp. Things were beginning to get mildly blurry, and I felt a hoof tap my shoulder. In my half-dazed state, I made out the colors of Quick Script.

"Mono, are you alright?" she asked me with genuine concern. 

Thank whatever deity that I could still contemplate words though. 

"Lyra Heartstrings is out for your removal from Equestria, and that group that you somehow beat down in a single moment is now pressing charges against you. The letter I mentioned to you before has also been given to the Princesses."

I flopped an arm around her neck and smirked slyly. Or more of a drunken gurgle that came from my attempt at a smirk. 

"I'll juss punch s'more of 'em and record their abbreviated whines on my c'puter." That could have been worded better, and I'm positive I mistook abbreviated for aggravated. Oh well, embarrassment wasn't something I struggled with on a daily basis. 

"Uh, Mono, this is serious." 

I sat back down on the bar stool and rested my chin on the bar top. I screwed up my face in confusion. "When'd we get a bar in here?"

I saw the forms around me shrug and slowly come back into focus. "Goddamn super-charged metabolism." I sat back up with a clear mind and 20/20 vision. 

I closed my eyes and let out a breath, quickly formulating a successful plan. "Okay, here's what we'll do. I'm officially untouchable as of… What's today?" 

Quick Script levitated a small datebook over to herself. "Friday."

"Well, by Sunday, I'll be officially untouchable due to the fact that I'll be an elementary school student. You can't press charges against an underage civilian of Equestria. It's in my rights." I swung my head to Fleur Dis Lee and Fancy Pants. 

"You two, begin scoping out areas for the pen factory. Before you ask, a factory is a large building where machines pump out a specific product. Don't worry about the machines, I'll get around to them. For now, find me about… one hundred ponies and hire them for easy work. Until I can get the machines running, they'll be assembling the pens."

How they'd do it with hooves, I didn't know at the time. Burn that bridge after I cross it. 

"As for me, I'm gonna get something out of the way." I gave a grunt as I stood up. "Somepony wants a full-fledged report and presentation on friendship where I come from, they're gonna get it." 

\\\\||||////

"You better be kidding about the unicycle and the cake," I grumbled demurely at my host. Celestia smiled at my miffed expression and replied. 

"Of course I was joking. You merely have to speak of friendship in front of the most high esteemed individuals studying in the field of friendship."

I made a disgusted face. "Studying in the field? Goddamn, you ponies are just fuckin' sad."

She glared at me. "And why is that?"

"Stick around, and you'll find out."

I walked into the room with Celestia, regarding the professors and the princesses with accusatory glances. They didn't know what I was accusing them of, and neither did I. I just felt that I had to take out my disgust on somebody. 

"Alright, to start off: 'What is friendship?'"

"…"

"Well, let's see some answers! C'mon! Raise your hooves, people!"

"Oh! Friendship is a deep, spiritual connection molded through personal experiences and common tastes that results into a relationship supported by understanding and trust."

"Incorrect Twilight. You have failed the human course on friendship," I said. I immediately turned to the blackboard behind me and nabbed a piece of chalk. Using my freakish powers, I speedily doodled two rough sketches of ponies. 

Above the sketches was written: 'How to make Friends: the abridged version for imbeciles.'

"Mono, we can't read that." 

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not going to bother erasing it, but it says 'How to make Friends: the abridged version for imbeciles.'"

"How rude!"

"Shut up. Now, this is how you make friends in my universe." 

I crossed out the ponies. "Step one: Go fuck yourselves. I don't intend to befriend anyone in this room. All of my friends back home are human beings like myself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be friends with griffons or zebras, but my race is the only truly sapient one where I come from." 

I replaced the ponies with two humans: one male, one female.

"Step two: Say 'hello'. C'mon, this is simple shit here." I wrote the word hello and sketched the arm of one of the poorly drawn humans to seem like she was waving. 

"Step three: Talk. Use those mouth muscles and work 'em. Find something the two of you enjoy talking about, continue step three until viable subject appears." 

A stallion with a bouffant raised his hoof. "And if no viable subject appears or there is a disagreement in subject matter?"

"That's easy. Use evidence that lets your argument trump the other person's stance. Like: vanilla or chocolate?"

"Chocolate for me," Luna declared.

"Luna! I disagree with you! Vanilla is the best flavor there is!"

"Those are opinions! You can't gather evidence based on opinion," she claimed. 

"Oh yeah?" I thought. 

"I come from a world more advanced than yours and with far more social interaction per minute than what you could ever hope for. Also, we invented the shit, we would know. Now sit down and shut up, I'm picking up where I left off."

I paused once, for dramatic effect. "And that's how it's done. Write that down, kiddies." 

"Step four: Ask questions about their life that aren't too personal. Don't ask right off the bat if they want kids, or if they're secretly into kinky stuff. That comes after a solid relationship." 

"Now, this isn't a step, but rather a direct complaint to Twilight." I glared at the Element of Magic. "Seven is the best you could do?"

All eyes focused on her. "What do you mean 'the best I could do'?"

"You have seven immediate friends. For being one of the Elements of Harmony and the so-called 'Maestro of Friendship', I thought maybe you'd be, y'know, friendlier."

"Well you aren't very friendly, Mono," Celestia commented. I let out yet another sigh that day.

"Actually, I'm quite aware I'm an asshole. However, I'm an asshole only twenty percent of the time back where I'm from. In fact, I have tons of friends in my dimension."

"Oh do you now?" Celestia asked from her row in the back. I glared at her, then took a deep breath and deadpanned. 

"Yes," I responded. "As a matter of fact, I left every single one of my friends behind in my world when I was dumped here. So if you'd like to bring the fact up again, I'd be absolutely fuckin' delighted to tell you about them sometime."

Now the crowd looked a bit uncomfortable. 

"Well, if it's any consolation, I hope you manage to make it back. My doors are open to you anytime, Mono." I looked up. 

"Who said that?"

A purple mare with a green mane rose her hoof into the air. Her eyes were a deep fuchsia and now a touch worried while I glared at her. I directed my glare in general to the group and gestured my hand to her. 

"THAT is how you make friends! Be kind, be understanding, and don't be a douche!"

"But… You are a douche..."

"Who said that?"

A red buck with a yellow mane raised his hoof. 

FWAP

The eraser fell from the cloud of chalk dust culminated around his head, and he collapsed back into the row. "Screw you. I just don't want to be friends with anyone in this room. That's different."

Placing my fists on my hips, I closed my eyes. "So class, what did we learn today?" Several of the ponies began flipping through paper hastily to find their notes. Why'd they write down so much shit? I wasn't even taking this seriously...

"Lots of social interaction."

"Common interests."

"Healthy conversation."

"Introduction of multiple friends."

"Don't be a douche."

I grinned and open my eyes. "Class dismissed. Leave me in peace."

The ponies began filing out of the room and I sat on the desk, already fishing out my music player. I waved them goodbye and slipped the earphones in, waiting for the lot of them to file out and leave me be. 

Once the last of them were gone and everything was quiet, I strolled out of the room and through the halls. 

"Two down, one to go." I hoped that my actions would lead to more interesting developments. Not necessarily for me, but for Equestria as a whole. I walked to a window and hopped onto the sill. 

Looking out the window, I brought my hands up and framed all of Canterlot. 

"Mine."

With a grin and a chuckle, I leapt off and continued down the quiet hall in peace.