//------------------------------// // Muahahaha... // Story: The (Supposed) Dangers of Humanity // by Mr Anomalous //------------------------------// Muahahaha... I sat outside on a chair I had dragged from the inside. I was still outside in frozen-land, but it seemed relatively warm today. Or perhaps my experiences in the past while had hardened me. I reached up and felt the hairs on my chin. Yep, battling armored ponies in a frozen wasteland after I had escaped from their prison had made me a man. Life was complete. Expect for the fact that I would, one day, have liked to go home. And finally freaking kill Miraak, the butt-wad. I bit back a curse as I missed a note on the mandolin sitting in my lap. "A Fig For a Kiss" should not have been this difficult, but it was nonetheless. I put down the instrument and looked in satisfaction upon my newest line of defense; the unconscious bodies of dozens of guards. A few had been added after Princess Cadence herself sent a few to scout me out, but the power of my trilby and emerging beard made them unconscious very quickly. I stood up and sauntered over the the prize of the wall. I looked down and grinned evilly. If only the bronies back at home knew about this. There, in the center of the "wall," was a pole. Stuck to this pole with ropes and duct-tape was the still-conscious, bright orange, pegasus Flash Sentry. He didn't say anything. He simply avoided eye contact. My immature intimidation tricks not working to stave my boredom, I left the wall and surveyed my work from the other side. I had to stop from laughing out loud. I had organized the bodies all backwards and had effectively created a Wall of Butts. Yes, the glory of my creation must be described with capital letters. Suddenly I heard a groan from the other side. I grit my teeth and sauntered over to where one of the guards was stirring. He eyed Flash Sentry, who eyed him back, and I eyed both of them. "That's a nice face you have there. It's be a shame if someone were to feed it the butt of a rifle." "Wait, wha-?" *Thud* I shook my head in distaste and returned to my throne. "Jon Snow never had these problems with his wall . . . ." [/hr] "I have to admit, Cadence, as intimidating as this situation may be, it's kind of funny," Twilight said from the other side of the small table. Cadence made a display of mock-indecisiveness but then smiled and nodded. "I think he's just having fun with us. Which actually kind of concerns me; he's really just a child. Perhaps a young stallion, but he's not full-grown. How good are our guards really?" Twilight didn't know. "That's a valid question," she answered. "Perhaps when we manage to catch him again, we can find out how he's doing things exactly." They both nodded and sipped their tea and Twilight thought: If we manage to catch him. [/hr] "Ah, there we go." Guards, both sparkly and not, had been waking up left and right, and my arms were tired. So, using my epic trilby intelligence I took some leftover crystals and put them at the bottom the the wall. Sure enough, it had a calming effect on the waking stallions and they were still. Unfortunately, they were still awake. They weren't doing anything, but they looked like fraggin' zombies, just laying there staring off into the distance. I looked at Flash and said: "You eat, don't you?" No reply. I shrugged and stalked back inside where I retrieved a steak. I lit a fire and slowly cooked it, much to the evident horror of the orange pony I had effectively crucified. "Don't worry, it's not any of your stallions; this is from back home," I called up whilst simultaneously snapping a picture of him. Me, being the manly man that I am, did not cook my steak for too long, preferring the meat as rare as possible. Without, of course, killing me. I made a show of nomming it rather messily and thoroughly, receiving a few gagging noises as a reward, and decided to retire to bed. Except my steak-enhanced eagle eyes stopped me before I could get there. I spotted a glowly-gloo in the distance and, immediately expecting more crystals, hefted my weapons and ventured forth. [/hr] "Celestia above . . . " LOOT! An hour or so later, I stood above my prize. Crystals, yes, but more than one type, and several chests. The blatant open-ness of these things made me expect a trap, or that I was going insane, or something but nope, everything was there, ready to be taken. "Let's see, mine, mine, mine . . . mine." I gaped as I opened one of the chests. "No . . . " I said. Yes, my brain said. I reached and and withdrew it; my new warhammer! "I've always wanted one of these! Now there just needs to be a kilt somewhere around here . . . ." Sadly, there was not. But that really didn't dampen my mood much. Not much really could have. [/hr] With my best Jeremy Clarkson "Yeeeess," I dragged the crystals into my garage where I immediately began experimenting with the crystals. There were three types in all. The Knock-Out crystals, which were white, bright blue ones which I christened "Voltage Crystals," and red ones, which were "Code Red Crystals." The red ones, I found out, could be attract one another, like really, really strong magnets, if held at a specific angle, if that makes sense. I hadn't the slightest clue what use I could have for them, but I was sure I could figure one out. The was the Voltages that made me the most happy I've ever been ever. At first it looked like they didn't do anything. But then I knocked one off the table and jumped at a glutteral, machine-like sound. I spun around and drew my warhammer (Traitor's Bane, in case you're wondering) - but stopped. That sound was not one of some unknown monster. It was the sound of one of my generators starting. I looked down and saw a trail of blue light going from the crystal I had dropped to the generator. "Yeeeess . . . ."