//------------------------------// // Poison Love // Story: A Guardsman in Equestria // by Guardsman_Sparky //------------------------------// Alexander knocked at the door to the library, hoping Twilight had found something to explain the strange behavior of the Elements of Harmony on that day. As he waited for the lavender librarian to answer the door, Alexander turned to puzzle at the pink and white decorations covering the town. He could have sworn those weren't there the night before. Was there something going on, or...? The door opened behind him. "Oh, hello Alexander, how are you today?" Alexander answered as he began turning around. "Oh, fine, just came by to see...is that...make-up?" Twilight's face was indeed covered in makeup, though only with some blush and mascara. In addition, Twilight was wearing a plane yet elegant dress that somehow made even the equine form somewhat attractive. Somewhat. Alexander may have accepted the ponies with few...qualms, but he didn't like ponies that way, much to Cloud Kicker's chagrin and disappointment. Still, for Twilight of all ponies to be wearing makeup... Twilight's face turned bright crimson through her blush. "Um, ah, yes, I have a date today. It's too much isn't it? Oh dear, he's not going to like it, is he? What if he hates it? He's gonna hate it! Agh!" Alexander recoiled a bit from the crazed look beginning to creep into the unicorn's eyes, scrambling to put a stop to that crazy train. "Twilight, I'm sure whoever you have a date with won't care how you look. And if he does, well, then he ain't good enough for you. By the way, what's with all of the pink hearts all over the place?" Twilight, though a bit frazzled, thankfully snapped out of her impending nervous breakdown. "Oh, today is Hearts and Hooves day. It is a day to be with your special somepony." Alexander nodded. "Okay. Y'know, that kinda sounds like St. Valentina's day." Seriously, what's with all of the similar holidays here? And would it be too much to ask for a locale not named with a pony pun involved? Seriously, Alexander had a feeling that if Catacha had been populated by the ponies, it would have been called "Cantercha." A trio of colorful blurs bolted out of the library door and between Alexander's legs. "Thanks for the book Twilight!" "Wait, girls, are you sure you don't want a different-" The CMC jumped in their wagon and disappeared in a cloud of dust. "-book?" Twilight sighed and shook her head. "I really don't know why those girls wanted that book about Pre-Equestrian history." Alexander shrugged. "Eh, I've never really understood girls, of any species." Twilight gave Alexander a funny look, the same one one might get when told that necrons are in fact excellent conversationalists. "What do you mean, 'of any species?'" "It's a long story." "Well, I've got time before my date." Twilight opened the door and beckoned Alexander in. She sat and bade Alexander to sit. "So, tell me." "Alright, it all started when the Harlech 501st was in a campaign against the Eldar..." "...and that is why I am no longer allowed in the same room as an Adeptus Sororitas when there are noodles present." Twilight couldn't help but stare at Alexander in amazement and bafflement. Alexander chuckled at the gormless look on the unicorn's face. He was about to ask about the origins of Hearts and Hooves Day when someone knocked on the front door. Before Twilight could move, Alexander had bound out of his seat and thrown the door open. He grinned evilly down at the olive-green pony before him. "Hello Syrette. Consorting with xenos are we?" Syrette's pupils dilated as he tried to stammer out a response. The cold, unforgiving expression on Alexander's face cracked into a cheeky grin. "Gotcha." Stepping around the bemused human-turned-pony, Alexander stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Now remember you two. Don't do anything unless you've got protection." Grinning uncontrollably at the sudden embarrassed blush on Syrettes face, Alexander nearly burst with laughter when he heard Twilight ask, "protection from what?" Alexander continued to giggle throughout his patrol around the border of Ponyville and the Everfree Forest. He had just passed into the southwest orchards of Sweet Apple Acres when he thought he heard voices coming from deeper within the orchard. Drawing his laspistol, Alexander went to investigate. Following the voices, Alexander came across an absolutely adorable treehouse. Recognizing the three voices, Alexander holstered his laspistol with a wry smile. His smile turned to a frown as he overheard what they were saying. "What have we done?! My brother's actin' like a grade-A goofball!" "Maybe we added too much rainbow." "Or maybe not enough cloud." "Or maybe... uh-oh." "Whaddaya mean, 'uh-oh?!'" Alexander poked his head through a window. "Yes, what's gone wrong this time?" The three fillies that made up the Cutie Mark Crusaders shrieked in surprise. Once again, Alexander was grateful for the decibel-cutting insulation of his helmet. "ALEX! Don't do that!" "You dern near scared the lahf outta me." "I-uh wasn't scared. And whadda ya mean, 'this time?'" Alexander shook the ringing out of his ears and gave the trio an exasperated look. "Let's see. The first time I saw you, I had to save you three from a manticore, you've nearly burnt down the library, nearly been turned to stone, almost blew yourselves up when you wanted to play with my guns, one of you contracted a wiped-out disease because you ate the thing that caused it, and to top it all off, your attempt at making superglue exploded and covered Ponyville. I was stuck standing there for four hours. Everyone who went outside got glued in place. Heck, even Lurgen couldn't move, and he's a several ton war walker that could probably lift a train. If Twilight didn't know that unsticking spell, I'd still be stuck standing outside, having to pee." Alexander nodded at the sheepish crusaders' expressions. "Now, what's gone wrong this time?" Scootaloo and Applebloom looked at each other, then at Sweetie Belle. The marshmallow colored unicorn hemmed and hawed before answering. "Um...we wanted to get BigMac and Miss Cheerilee together for Hearts and Hooves Day, 'cause neither had a special somepony, so we gave them a love potion, but it turns out it's more of a love...um...poison." Alexander, Applebloom and Scootaloo responded the only way they could. "What?!" Sweetie nodded before continuing. "Apparently, some prince a long time ago whipped up this recipe and gave it to this princess he liked. He meant it to be a love potion, but things didn't turn out so well." Applebloom eyes were wide with concern for her beloved brother and teacher. "How 'not so well' did things turn out?" Sweetie Belle cleared her throat uncomfortably. "Well, there's something here about a dragon, the kingdom falling, chaos reigning... Okay, apparently it was all because the prince and princess were so lost in each other's eyes that they couldn't perform their royal duties." Alexander made a soft facepalm as he rubbed the brow of his nose. "Sweet Emperor, it's that stupid Slaneeshi cult on Mindoir all over again." He looked up as Applebloom began panicking. Time to nip that gretchin in the fungal pod. "Is there an antidote?" Sweetie looked back into the book and began to flip pages for a few seconds. "Um, it says here that if we can keep them from looking in each other's eyes for an hour, the love curse will be broken." Alexander rubbed his chin. "One hour? Shouldn't be too hard." "Why in Vandire's cursed name did I think this would be easy?" Alexander pondered aloud as he lay spread-eagle on the ground. Scootaloo lifted her head up, herself and her friends likewise collapsed in exhaustion on the grass of the park. "I dunno, but we gotta do something quick, 'cause if I hear one more sappy namby-pamby cutsie-talky name, I'm gonna scream." As fate would have it, BigMac and Cheerilee trotted by lost in each other's eyes, the love curse still very much in effect. "I love you more, sugarbear." "No, I love you more, pookie-wookie." Alexander clasped his hands over his ears, Scootaloo's scream cracking windows halfway to Canterlot. He pulled off his helmet and wiggled his pinkie in one ear in a vain attempt to return the hearing to it. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong." Alexander looked at Sweetie Belle. "What would you suggest? We can't even get them to break eye contact. Nothing is working." "Well BigMac and Miss Cheerilee are madly in love, right?" "Yeah." "And what do ponies who are madly in love do?" Alexander looked blankly at the little unicorn. "Kid, I've been a soldier for most of my life. I have no idea what human civilians do, much less pony ones." Sweetie looked to Applebloom and Scootaloo expectantly. The earth and pegasus ponies looked back blankly. "We don't know either." Sweetie gave a sigh. "They get married." Applebloom gave a shriek of dismay. "NOOOO! Mah brother can't get married! He's under a curse! That we put him under!" Sweetie shook her head. "No, they're not really going to get married." "They're not?" "Not if they don't want to after we fix this. Okay, now here's the plan..." Passing a goofy-grinned Syrette, Alexander slowly made his way up the stairs to his quarters. Standing at the foot of his bed, he collapsed face-first onto his sheets like a felled tree, not even bothering to get out of his freshly dented and dirtied armor and fatigues. Groaning into his pillow, Alexander felt every ache and pain that had come from the day. How was it that BigMac had been able to drag an ox-cart, several trees, a building and Lurgen halfway across Ponyville? That pony's a monster! How in the warp was he able to out muscle a dreadnought? Thank the Emperor that it worked. I don't know if I could've done that any longer. Rolling over, Alexander groaned, his ribs bruised by being run over by BigMac followed shortly by being trampled by a gaggle of bouncing ponies being led by Pinkie Pie in a song about smiling. Not for the first time, Alexander wished that this place wasn't so...weird. This place...is going to be the death of me... Grumbling about crazy magic and crazier ponies, Alexander tossed his helmet across the room and promptly passed out. On the hill road overlooking Ponyville, a massive figure atop two goats puffed out a chest. "This town needs to be toughened up! Perfect for Iron Will to make plenty of bits-erm, help these weaklings! Forward! We begin by week's end!"