//------------------------------// // Episode 2: Bitch Please, I'm Night Mare Moon // Story: My Little Parody // by Quadraginta //------------------------------// On the last episode of D̶r̶a̶g̶o̶n̶ ̶B̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶Z̶ My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Twilight S̶p̶r̶i̶n̶k̶l̶e̶ Sparkle was told to get a life. Who told her this? The very Princess of the land herself, the legendary Princess T̶r̶o̶l̶l̶e̶s̶t̶i̶a̶ M̶o̶l̶e̶s̶t̶i̶a̶ B̶i̶g̶ ̶S̶e̶x̶y̶ Celestia! Twilight Sparkle traveled across the land oF Equestria until she reached the small town of Ponyville, where she met her new loving friends Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and....some yellow pegasus she ran away from. What exciting events await our heroes next? Find out on this new exciting episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Okay...." muttered Twilight as she sifted through the wall of books in her bookcases in the library, "There's gotta be something about the Elements of Fanfiction in here somewhere....find anything, Spike?" There was no answer from Spike. "Spike?" Twilight asked. She looked over at the bed in which Spike was laying in face-down. "Oh, that's right. He died when I accidentally impaled him on my horn when I lifted him onto my back and carried him all the way back here...." Twilight walked over to Spike's dead, limp body and contemplated whether or not to revive him. "Eh, I'll give him a Phoenix Down later. For now-" She turned back to the books. "-To find something about the Elements of Fanficti-" "And just what the hell ARE the Elements of Fanfiction?!" asked Rainbow Dash, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere and startled the living hell out of Twilight. "Are you an....OTAKU?" Rainbow Dash asked accusingly. She leaned in real close to Twilight's face as she said this, before being suddenly pulled back by the tail by Applejack, who suddenly appeared behind her. She was followed close behind by Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and that weird yellow pegasus that looked at Twilight. Twilight could feel the hyperventilation start to build up within her, but she fought it, and it died down. Now was NOT the time to let her social anxiety get the better of her. "Calm down, sugarcube," said Applejack, "She ain't no otaku, but she sure is as attractive as one." "Eh, I've seen hotter," commented Pinkie Pie. "Anyways...." said the yellow pegasus, "I haven't properly introduced myself, young lady. I am Miss Flutters Von Bartlesby the Third of the Semi-Royal Semi-Important Family of the Ancient Pegasi of the Truly Very Important Phoenix Order. But you may call me by my locally designated name, Fluttershy. I dare ask, young lady, what exactly is your involvement with these objects known as the Elements of Fanfiction? Are you truly an Otaku, as Rainbow Dash has just accuse'd you of being? Or do you possess a better reason for having the desire to search for a book that contains a detailed description of said objects? Also, why did you run away from me when I looked at you?" "I...." Twilight didn't know what was weirder, the fact that this common Ponyville citizen had such a long, sophisticated name, or the fact that she was talking in a "Sir" voice and accent that seemed completely unfitting of her, or the fact that Twilight actually felt comfortable speaking to her, even though she ran away from her in the last episode. "Well, I kind of came to Ponyville when the Princess told me to get a life, and-" "Oh my god, the PRINCESS told you to get a life?! She acually TALKED to you?! Oh my goooood, is her voice as hot as she is?!" Pinkie Pie butted in with her question. "I...." Twilight stammered. "Come on, sugarcubes," Applejack said seductively, "Let the poor mare speak." "OK!" said Twilight, "I read a book about how Night Mare Moon would return on the Thousandth Year of the Summer sun Celebration, and so I sent a letter to the Princess informing her of the news, and then she told me to get a life, so I came here to do what she told me. After that, I planned to read up about the Elements of Fanfiction, which were rumoured to have been used against Night Mare Moon, but now you girls are here, and I kind of still have to find a book about these Elements. Mind giving me a hoof, here?" Twilight smiled sheepishly when she finished speaking. "Sure!" said Pinkie Pie happily, "but only after you tell me how really hot Princess Celestia's hoof writing is." "I....." Twilight looked over at Pinkie Pie and saw her smiling happily. "I...." Pinkie Pie's smile turned into a grin. "I....." Then it turned into an old man's pedo smile. "....." 5 minutes later..... "Fuck!" Twilight exclaimed. "I can't find any book about these damn Elements of Fanfiction! Why am I even trying anymo-" "It's right here!" said Pinkie Pie. Pinkie took the book, placed it on the floor, and then opened it for everypony to read. "The Elements of Fanfiction," Twilight read from the book out loud. "There are six in existence, but only five are known, because, after a thousand fucking years, ponies still haven't found out what the god damned six one is. The five known ones are Drugs, Homosexuality, Class, Playing-Dress-Up, and Shipping-" "Oh, great. Shipping. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo." Rainbow Dash complained. "-the last known location of these elements," Twilight ignored Dash and kept reading. "is in the Ancient Castle of.....of....oh, dear god, it's horrid...." "What, Twi? Castle of what?" Applejack asked gently. Twilight gulped. "The Ancient Castle of....G1-3 MLP." Everypony gasped. "G1-3 MLP?!" Pinkie Pie yelled in horror. "IT CAN'T BE! OH NOEZ! I think I'll smoke some Meth to calm myself down..." She then took out a Meth pipe and lighter and began smoking. ".....what?" Pinkie asked as the other ponies stared at her. "What? It's medicinal." "Uh....Ms. Pie?" said Fluttershy."Young lady, I believe you are thinking of the plant known as Marijuana. That is what is medicinal, and that is what is inhaled through the lungs for it's medicinal value. What you are currently smoking is Crystal Meth. Quite frankly, that will kill you." "Strange," replied Pinkie Pie. "It's been medicinal for me so far. After all, it's given me cancer. That was really helpful." "Uh....young lady..." Fluttershy had to resist the urge to facehoof herself. "Cancer is deadly. You're dying." "Yeah. Isn't dying medicinal?" Pinkie asked, confused. "Oh, my word, Ms. Pie. I believe you require professional help." Fluttershy was now openly facehoofing herself without even attempting to hide her disappointment. "Help? What's that?" "Ugh." "Anyways....." interrupted Twilight. "The location of the Ancient Castle of G1-3 MLP is in the EverEnslaved Forest." "Then what are we doing pussy-hoofing around here? Let's get a move on." Applejack said impatiently as she moved towards the door. With the Entrance to the EverEnslaved Forest in front of them, the ponies stand before it, uncertainty, and fear clouding their minds and filling their very souls. "Ok, girls," said Twilight. "All in favour of coming in with me and staying by my side the whole time, say 'aye.'" She was met with complete silence. "Well, fuck you girls," said Twilight. She began trotting down the path into the Forest, leaving the girls behind. "Oh, Twi," said Applejack, who strode up behind Twilight. "We were just kidding back there. Weren't we, girls?" She turned back to see that nobody was following them. "Ahahaha...ah....give me a moment." Applejack quickly went back, beat everypony up, hoofcuffed everypony to herself, and started dragging them along. "As I was saying," said Applejack. "We were just kidding, right girls?" "Y-yeah...." said Rarity, who was nursing a broken nose. "See, Twi?" Applejack reassured Twilight. "We ain't leaving you. Not now, or ever. Got that, sweetheart?" She looked at Twilight with big, glowing eyes. "This is going to be a looooooooooong journey to the Ancient Castle...." Twilight muttered. Slowly, the six of them made their way to the Ancient Castle. They trudged on their way, Twilight complaining about being stuck with the girls, and Applejack flirting with Twilight the whole way through. They continued on like this, until suddenly, a Wild Cliff Edge Appeared! "Oh great," said Twilight. "First, the Princess tells me to get a life, then I get hit on by a fucking lesbian cowpony, then a cyan pegasus who hates being shipped pushes me into a pile of cow shit, then Rarity tries to play dress up with me, then Fluttershy looks at me, then the cyan pegasus accuses me of being Otaku, and now here I am on the edge of a cliff. Oh, and a methhead that's borderline obsessed with the princess. Can anything else go wrong? Suddenly, the edge of the cliff broke off and fell down several thousand feet, leaving Twilight and the girls floating comedicly in mid-air. Twilight looked down, then looked at the others. "I suppose this is my fault," says Twilight. "Indeed it is. Remind me to slap you across the face if we survive, replied Applejack. Gravity abruptly took hold of the ponies, who fell down, and landed on the angled side of the mountain, which acted as a slippery slope for all of them. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy freed themselves of the handcuff and floated in mid-air, flapping their wings. "Should we help them?" asked Fluttershy. "Nope," replied Rainbow Dash, who got an angry glare from Fluttershy. "What?" asked Rainbow Dash. "Twilight shipped me. Why should help her?" Rainbow Dash got another angry glare from Fluttershy. "Oh fine." They both flew to save the ponies from certain doom. Rainbow Dash caught hold of Rarity, and then Fluttershy caught hold of Pinkie Pie. "No! My meth pipe!" yelled Pinkie Pie, who saw her precious pipe fall several thousand feet. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" However, as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were busy saving Rarity nad Pinkie Pie, Applejack suddenly got busy trying to hold onto Twilight, who was hanging on for dear life from the edge of the slope. "Don't just stare at me with your lust-filled eyes, Applejack, pull me up!" Twilight yelled. "Only if you promise to love me," replied Applejack. "Eff that," Twilight said as she let go. She fell, screaming, but was suddenly caught by Pinkie Pie, who Rainbow Dash shot like a notched arrow from a bow. They both fell deep into the forest, and then they all regrouped from where they fell. "Wow." said Fluttershy. "That. Was-" "Really freaking gay?" asked Rainbow Dash. "No," said Fluttershy. "That was honestly quite exhilarating. We should do that again. Twilight? Care to cause any more cliffsides to break off?" Twilight gave Fluttershy the middle finger and then continued walking into the forest. "Well..." said Twilight after a while of walking into the forest. "That was probably as worse as it could get. It can't possibly get any worse than that, can it?" Suddenly, a pissed-off manticore appears in front of them! "Why do this always happen to me?" said Twilight as she buried her tear-streaked face in her hooves. The manticore stood before them, roaring at the top of it's lungs, and looking extremely threatening. Rainbow Dash charges it head-on, attempting to roundhouse buck it in the face, but is easily slapped away. "That's what you get for acting demicky, Dashy." said Pinkie Pie happily, who bounces towards the manticore with a bag of meth in her hoof. "Here!" said Pinkie, who offers the meth to the manticore. "Smoke this! You'll feel reeeaaalllly good afterwards" The manticore smacks the bag away and roars at Pinkie. "You....you don't want my meth? But....but....nobody can resist the pull of meth....nobody...." Pinkie Pie then turned around and ran away crying. "I suppose it's my turn," said Rarity. She walks up to my manticore and coughs lightly. "Excuse me, Mr. Manticore, may I play dress-up with you for a few hours? I promise you it'll be fun." The manticore, in response, bitch-slaps Rarity several feet away. "Don't worry, girls!" said Applejack, who walks towards the manticore. "Manticores are said to really love lesbians. If I go up to him and give him a hug, he's sure to calm dow-" Applejack was interrupted when she, herself, gets bitch-slapped away. "-Or not." Applejack sprang to her hooves and began shoving Twilight towards the manticore. "Applejack, what are you-" Twilight began. "Come on, Twi," replies Applejack. "You're magical and all that. Use magic to calm it down or something." "Are you kidding me?!" yelled Twilight. "I can't possibly-" She was interrupted when she got bitch-slapped as well. "Well, I suppose it's my turn now," said Fluttershy, who walked slowly towards the manticore. The manticore made a move as if he was going to bitch-slap Fluttershy, but he suddenly stopped when he saw the glint in her eye. "I say, young manticore," said Fluttershy. "What ails you so? As a pony with class, I am more than capable of helping you, instead of my colleagues just trying to take you down with their.....'intelligent'......ideas....." The manticore frowned, looked at Fluttershy, look at his paw, then looked back. He raised his paw at Fluttershy, who saw that it had a thorn in it. Fluttershy gave the manticore a reassuring smile, then pulled it out. The manticore screamed loudly, then made as if he was about to slap Fluttershy....then picked her up and began licking her......mane. Her mane. Licking her mane. "Giggity," said Rainbow Dash. Twilight shrugged and walked past the manticore, trekking deeper in the forest, with the girls following behind her. In the middle of their travels, they stumbled across a bizarre-looking tree. "What the-?" escaped Twilight's lip, before she saw the hideous, horrifying face on the tree. More and more trees grew these terrifying faces around them. She began hyperventilating, before she heard the familiar click of a lighter. "Oh, don't be silly, girls!" said Pinkie Pie happily as she took a puff of her meth pipe. "Don't you girls know that scary trees like these will stop staring at us like these if we just give them some meth?" "What?!" said Fluttershy. "Ms. Pie, that is the dumbest idea I have ever-" Suddenly, all the faces disappeared from the trees as soon as Pinkie Pie dropped a bag of meth in the middle of them. "See?" said Pinkie Pie, who trotted along the path in the forest. "I told you so." "I...." Fluttershy was dumbfounded. She shrugged it off and followed the rest of the girls into the forest. An hour later of trudging deeper into the forest.... They stumbled upon a giant, purple sea serpent, who was bawling hard and crying so much, it seemed as if the river in which he resided was comprised of his tears. "Oh, such a horrible catastrophe!" he exclaimed. "It's the worst thing ever!" "What's wrong young lad?" asked Fluttershy. "My moustache! My beautiful moustache! I accidentally lit it on fire! And then I dunked it in this river, and then, in order to try to even them out, I set the other half of my moustache on fire, but then I dunked it too late, so I kept trying to set them on fire to even them both out, but now, I look like a freak! Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo! Waaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" "Wha- I- How- YOU SET YOUR MOUSTACHE ON FIRE ON PURPOSE?!" Twilight yelled. "Well, yes, but-" "Oh, calm down, Twilight," Rarity butted in. She then turned to the sea serpent. "And don't you worry. I'll fix you." "Oh, you will?" the sea serpent asked in happy disbelief. "Oh, thank you, thank yo-" Two hours of playing dress-up later..... "Fuck this!" exclaimed the sea serpent. "Get out of my face!" he then dunked into the river and swam away as fast as he could. Rarity was confused. "What did I do wrong?" she asked as she packed up her massive pile of dresses and put them away. Each pony only shook their heads as they walked past Rarity. "What?" asked Rarity sheepishly. "What?" They then continued on their way to the Ancient Castle of Gen 1-3 MLP. They stumbled upon a rope bridge, which led across a chasm. Or at least it would have, had it not been detached from the other side. They could see the Castle on the other side of the chasm. Twilight couldn't take it anymore. She was about to explode. She placed his lower lip against her upper teeth, then started fuming. Then, her eyes bulged out, and she was suddenly acting demicky! "fffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" "Twilight, I got wings, remember?" said Rainbow Dash, who snapped Twilight out of her fury. "Oh," muttered Twilight, who blushed. "Sorry." "You're cute when you blush," commented Applejack. "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Rainbow Dash flew down into the chasm, grabbed the rope bridge, flew back up, flew to the other side of the chasm, and started tying one rope to a stake in the ground. Without warning, Rainbow Dash felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around a saw wonderbolt-looking ponies, except they weren't wonderbolts. They were darker, and they seemed to radiate a darker aura. "Hello, Dainbow Rash-" "Rainbow Dash," Dash corrected them. "Sorry. Rainbow Dash. We are the Bonerbolts. We're hailed as some of the best fliers in all of Equestria. We'd like you to join us." Rainbow Dash couldn't contain her laughter. She burst into hard guffaws, laughing her ass off. "Bonerbolts?!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHA, yeah right, as if I'd join ponies called the Bonerbolts! Ahahahahaha, screw you guys, I'm fixing the bridge." "Then you leave us no choice," said one of the Bonerbolts. "I ship you with Twilight Sparkle." Rainbow Dash's eyes suddenly turned bloodshot, her eyes bulged out harder then they ever would if she acted demicky, and then her mane grew stiff, pointed upwards, and turned blond! She radiated a golden aura, and her power level grew tenfold! "You dare ship me?!" Rainbow Dash asked through gritted teeth. "You dare ship me?!" She turned around slowly to look into the fear filled eyes of the Bonerbolts. "YOU DARE SHIP ME?! I PUNISH YOU. I PUNISH YOU LIKE GOD WHO PUNISHES SINFUL FOLLOWERS. I PUNISH YOU NOW. YOU PERISH!" Rainbow Dash let out a roar, and her aura exploded all around her, blowing away many of the trees, obliterating the Bonerbolts, and also somehow fixing the broken bridge. Somehow. After unleashing her rage, she stood there, her aura disappating, and her blond stiff mane softening again and turning back to it's usual rainbow. "Phew," she said, wiping away sweat from her brow. "Rainbow!" exclaimed Applejack, who walked across the bridge, followed closely by the others. "What was that?" "What was what?" asked Rainbow Dash. "Don't feign stupidity, young lady, tell us what we just saw!" demanded Fluttershy. "No, seriously, what?" asked Rainbow Dash, who was genuinely confused. "Whatever, girls, the castle is right there," Twilight said. She pointed in the general direction of the Ancient Castle. "Let's go!" They all trotted their way to the Ancient Castle. Outside the gates of the Ancient Castle, they stood there, doubt and fear filling their minds. "Alright, girls," said Twilight. "We've made it through thick and thin so far. I think I have bonded with all of you. I just want to let you know that if anything happens, like if something hard hits us in the face- "Giggity." "-and ends up killing us or knocking us out, or if something sharp and hard goes inside us-" "Giggity" "-Like a sword or a horn, or we end up on top of each other- "Giggity" "-with our dead bodies stacked together, I just want to let you all know that it's been nice anyways." Twilight saw all the ponies stifling laughter, their cheeks red from the effort. Twilight frowned in confusion. She then shrugged it off, turned around, opened the gates to the Castle, and stepped in. Standing in the middle of the room was Night Mare Moon herself. "Hello, ponies," Night Mare Moon says threateningly. "Do you like bananas?" "No, Night Mare Moon!" yelled Rainbow Dash courageously. "We don't want any of your stupid bananas!" Twilight noticed some strange, white stone objects scattered around in front of Night Mare Moon. "The Elements of Fanfiction!" Twilight exclaims. "But there are only Five!" said Pinkie Pie. "Don't worry. The book says that if I come up with a god-awful fanfic and implant it within the first five, the last one will show up! Distract Night Mare Moon while I do that!" "Ok!" said all the ponies at the same time, except Twilight, who began coming up with a bad fanfic. "Hnnnnnnnnnnnggggg!!!!" Twilight grunts. "HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She groans from the effort. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight openly screams. "Argh, Twilight!" said Applejack, who's recovering from being thrown across the room by Night Mare Moon. "Just charge the damn things!" "Hang on a sec!" replies Twilight. "I'm trying to think of the worse fanfic I possibly can, but there are just too many good on-" Suddenly, Twilight got a spark of inspiration. "FLY'S ADVENTURE IN EQUESTRIA! THAT'S THE WORST FANFIC I'VE READ SO FAR! I will charge the orbs with that!" Twilight began concentrating even harder now. Concentrating hard on the worst fanfic she's ever read. Her horn glows brilliantly. The magic flows from her horn, and into the orbs. "Yes!" Twilight exclaims as she watches the orbs float into the air.....and suddenly fall back down and shatter. "What?!" she yells in confusion. "But Fly's Adventure in Equestria is so god-awful! Why didn't it work?!" Night Mare Moon laughs as she effortlessly blows the ponies away. They all smack into the wall behind them. "You can't beat me, Twiley." said Night Mare Moon maliciously. "I am real super sand!" Twilight struggled to get up, pain racking her entire body, pain from the impact of the wall, and pain from concentrating so hard on the Elements. she turns her head to her companions. "I'm sorry, girls...." She mutters beneath her breath. Then, without warning, she got a sudden spark of inspiration. "Night Mare Moon!" Twilight yells at the top of her lungs. She struggles to stand up, but eventually, she's on her feet. "Those pitiful stones aren't the Elements of Fanfiction! WE are!" A strong, brilliant light envelopes Twilight and all her friends. "Each of us represents our own part of the Elements of Fanfiction!" The light grows even stronger around them. The shattered pieces of the Elements float in mid-air, as if ready to spring into action. "Applejack, who said she would only help me if I loved her, by the way, thanks for that, represents the Element of...HOMOSEXUALITY!" Several shattered pieces float around Applejack. "Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her knowledge represents the Element of....CLASS!" Pieces float around her as well. "Pinkie Pie, who got rid of the scary faces from the trees with her Meth represents the Element of....DRUGS!" Pieces then float around her. "Rarity, who pissed off a sea serpent enough by playing dress-up with him for 2 hours straight represents the Element of....PLAYING-DRESS-UP!" "Rainbow Dash, who turned super saiyan when the Bonerbolts shipped her with me, represents the Element of...SHIPPING!" "FUCK MY LIFE." said Rainbow Dash. "But you still don't have the Sixth and final Element!" yelled Night Mare Moon. "So you're screwed!" "No," replied Twilight. "We're not screwed, because I know what the final Element is. It's in me. I am the final Element. The Element of....SOCIAL ANXIETY!" Suddenly, all the shattered pieces of Elements of Fanfiction turned into necklaces with gems shaped like their cutie marks, with Twilight getting a tiara. "You lose, Night Mare Moon!" Twilight said loudly. A large, brilliant, powerful burst of light appeared....and then suddenly disappated. "Bitch, please, I'm Night Mare Moon." said Night Mare Moon plainly. "Uh-oh." said Twilight. "Well, that didn't work. Time for plan B. Rainbow Dash, I ship you with Applejack. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Rainbow Dash turned Super Saiyan, flew into the air, then rammed into Night Mare Moon in an explosion of rainbows and colours. When the explosion of rainbows and colours died down, all that was left was a normal-sized alicorn with a blu-ish coat and a mane that was a lighter blue. Suddenly, Princess Celestia appeared before them. "Well, Luna, what do you have to say for yourself?" Princess Celestia asked. "I...I don't like bananas....." And then they all lived happily ever after. Not really. END OF EPISODE 2