The day had, so far, been relatively quiet. Twilight and I were sitting around our midday meal, waiting quietly for Deluge to come back from her meeting with the Diamond Dogs. While Twilight was silent, I had time to reflect over the previous few days.
The day before, the same base rules that guided my home made their way into Equestria: I was no longer allowed to say the words “Don’t worry about it,” “Sounds like a you problem,” “Relax,” or “Calm down.” Not bad for only being my third full day in Equestria, if I do say so myself!
As I was going to be stuck in Equestria for far more than a just another three days, and since Twilight was more than disgusted with my omnivore diet (her exact words were “How can you eat anything so cute?!”), it had been up to a certain human to fend for both Deluge and myself. Diamond Dogs, thankfully, have the same basic diet as an Earth dog: meat, a little roughage, and grains.
I have to say, the Equestrian breed is a lot better at conversations, though. Deluge and I spent hours talking a multitude of subjects while I took care of her, and she always had a small smile on her face.
The hunting took a little getting used to, but with little tips from Deluge and what I remembered from my father I was soon chasing small animals… decently. We weren’t starving or anything, but we weren’t feasting either. Since I’m a good sport, I even found some berries for Twilight to munch on while I made such delicacies as Rabbit Stew, Rabbit Legs, and Scrambled Eggs with some (you guessed it) rabbit thrown in.
Ponies have no aversion to eating eggs, so I would make Twilight a varmint-free helping before I made a large batch for Deluge and myself, in a set of cast-iron cooking pots found in the former kitchen of the Castle ruins themselves. Those kitchens were conveniently located on the north end of the courtyard, a small walk from the Ballroom in the west. As I would cook each meal over a flame, the group would gather and discuss the plans for the upcoming Equestrian jailbreak.
Unfortunately, Twilight had shot down the names “Cool Hoof Paul” and “Operation: Equestraishank Redemption” the night I suggested them.
Typical Princess Twilight, never letting me have any fun.
I remembered Deluge’s initial contact with her Diamond Dog brethren two nights previous as I sat watching the embers burn slowly. It seemed they were even less likely than her to return to Ponyville after their commander had been dropped down the ravine. They had informed us through Deluge that we were free to practice magic since the Nuckelavee thought Gomorrah was still hunting magic users in the area, and that we were currently in command of a Diamond Dog army if we wanted them.
Because they “didn’t want to be dropped off cliffs”, and to see their loved ones set free was pretty good too.
“I still don’t understand!” Twilight grumped, breaking me out of my reverie. She was sitting across the fire from me, fidgeting uncomfortably as she glared at me. “Why won’t you just describe the plan to me already?!”
“Alright,” I caved, “Let’s take it from the beginning. Even if this thing is only in the initial planning stages, you impatient little filly,” I sighed dramatically.
She rolled her eyes, but sat up excitedly. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. You love having to explain things to me!”
It was true, I admit. It made me feel much more smarts than I really was when I explained things to her, since I knew something the Great Twilight didn’t.
“Besides, if you really got mad at her, you would just drop her down the ravine!” Deluge quipped, walking painfully slow into the ballroom. Seemed the Deluge was just as snarky as her fellows, Twilight, and pretty much every other Equestrian I had met.
Great, I thought sarcastically. More snark. Just what I need from cartoons.
I tossed a nearby pebble at Deluge good naturedly. “I told you, that thing is fine. The Nuckelavee have an aversion to water, but they’re notoriously difficult to kill. I would never do that to something that would actually be injured, especially little Princess Alicorn here!” I added, tousling Twilight’s mane.
The sharp end of her horn in my hand reminded me she didn’t like her mane being tousled, and I started seriously considering the cliffs. But then I reminded myself she could fly. Something else, maybe…
Standing up and stretching, I grabbed a former piece of a column to draw some figures on the floor. Illustrating my point had seemed to help Deluge understand her medical predicament earlier, so I hoped the same could be said of the brilliant purple pony. Walking back, I drew a circle with two eyes and a smile inside, pointing out the features to Twilight.
“That’s me, right?” I asked. She nodded, her eyes never leaving the illustration. “Okay. Now, from what I can tell, I’ve haven’t been simply unaffected by magic. Instead, I’ve been energized by it. That means, somehow, my body is drawing magic from the closest and most powerful source.”
“Which would explain why I was so tired yesterday as we ran,” Twilight agreed, nodding. “A useful trick, but what does that have to do with your plan to free my friends?”
I looked at her pointedly. “I was getting to that before I was so rudely interrupted!” She put her forehooves up defensively, one eyebrow raised in defiance.
“Alright,” I continued. “Now then, if that’s the case, that means there has to be some way I can control that power. When we discover how, I want you to figure out a spell similar to the one you used to give Rarity wings. To turn me into a pony.” I drew two pointed ears and a snout on the face for emphasis.
She nodded. “And afterwards we have Deluge claim you as a prisoner Gomorrah found wandering the Everfree Forest to get you in, right. But what about when you’re inside Ponyville? Where will I be, and what can we do to free my friends?”
I hadn’t hammered that part of the plan out entirely, and told her so. “For the most part, I’m thinking you and Deluge stay out in my clearing while I free the other Elements of Harmony. If things look like I can’t get them all out at once, I can just release Fluttershy to join you two. Then she can use her forest critters and other connections, and you can create a big enough diversion outside the gates that I can free the rest of your friends. Although,” I added when her face fell a little bit, “We’ll have plenty of time to talk about it on the long walk back to Ponyville.”
“Will Deluge be well enough for that long of a trek?” Twilight asked, concern for her newfound friend written all over her face.
Deluge herself shrugged. “I can barely stand as is, even walking out to the other Diamond Dogs is difficult. But whatever Paul’s been doing has made some improvements. I’m healing faster from this injury than all of my past minor ones put together!”
Twilight got up to check Deluge’s injuries, as was her self-delegated duty.
The thing is, Deluge was being modest. Her ‘minor injuries’ included things like breaking her jaw in several places, many concussions, and even a fractured pelvis. She refused to tell me how she fractured her pelvis, but I had heard her mutter something about a horny dragon under her breath. Needless to say, I didn’t press.
Still, she wasn’t lying. She really was healing incredibly fast. Apparently they healed much faster in Equestria, probably due to all the magic floating around willy-nilly, but being back on your feet from her ailments within a week without the help of major magic was practically unheard of.
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that,” Twilight mentioned offhandedly (offhoovedly?) as she examined Deluge. “What exactly have you been doing?”
I thought about how to explain it for a pretty good amount of time, allowing Twilight to fully inspect Deluge before answering. It was hard to describe; I’d just been screwing around with the idea of how to heal Deluge using whatever magic I had pent up inside me. After a few tries, I managed to barely get an ultrasound-like effect when I held a small, thin crystal in my hand and concentrated enough. It left me feeling terribly drained every time, so I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing any real magic on my own in the future, but healing Deluge was worth it.
Using my knowledge from being in a medical degree program, I had applied the crystal just like an ultrasound machine from back home. Within the second treatment, there was a definite improvement: she could breathe without pain despite occasional cramps, the bone seemed to be solidifying, and while walking was uncomfortable, she could manage. Whether it was actual sound waves being driven into her wound like I wanted or just simple magic, I had no idea, but I wasn’t going to argue with the results.
How to explain that to a pony, though? I decided to simply start talking, and let Twilight ask as many questions as popped up.
As it turned out, using as many fancy terms and long technical descriptions as possible was the best course of action. It was like explaining a machine to an engineer: she knew all of the terms and techniques, she just needed my help in putting them together. How she learned all of it from just reading I have no idea…
She probably had a tutor, the liar.
When she understood it after a good ten minute discussion, her eyes got all bright and she started flapping around excitedly, yelling about how this would be a ‘leap forward in magical treatments’ and asking me more questions on medical equipment.
Eventually, I saw Deluge starting to pass out. Probably from being bored. “Hey there, Ms. Deluge the Diamond Dog!” I called loudly, spooning out some grub and handing it over as I realized the food was done. “You need to eat, then go walk around the building to keep from forming clots in your lung and such! Get moving!”
She grumbled, but I saw the same small smile on her ugly mug as she shoveled down her food. In less than thirty seconds the eggs were gone, and she left the room.
But I was also pretty sure I saw her shake her butt a little as she got up, and glance back to see if I was looking.
Oh God.
Hell no, NOT OKAY!
She must have taken that emergency lung inflation for a lot more than it was! And me rubbing her stomach for long stretches at a time! And constantly talking to her! And feeding her the fresh kills I had just hunted... alright, I could see what she might be getting at. I would probably think the nurse was hitting on me too.
I smiled back easily as she walked away, but as soon as she was out of earshot I rolled over to My Little Rolodex.
“Twilight!” I hissed. “Help me! I think Deluge is taking my care for her medically as care on a much deeper level, if you get my meaning?”
She did. And thankfully, as with most of the time, she contained a wealth of knowledge on the subject. “Well, generally speaking the female is the dominant one of the breed,” she said with a scratch of her chin.
“Explain,” I prompted, intrigued and a little frightened.
“That is, it’s the female who makes the advances. Usually the males show off in front of the females, with tests of strength and examples of caring for the pack designed to get their attention.”
“Alright, alright, good information,” I said, trying to think quickly before Deluge got back. “Now, what might influence a female Diamond Dog to ‘make advances’ on someone?”
So she seemed a little smug when she replied, “Well, I don’t know about how they make advances on everyone, but for everypony it’s been fairly consistent- if not extremely rare. Usually, they look for strong males who can be serious contenders for a high ranking place in the pack. At the same time, they have to be fiercely protective of their family, and able to care well for the pups should anything happen to the female.”
Twilight was outright grinning now, in a way that made me uneasy beyond comprehension. “Actually, now that I think about it, that show of strength in defending our little ‘pack’ when you picked up Gomorrah was pretty impressive! Coupled with you caring for her the past few days, cooking and hunting- I can see you making the perfect mate for a Diamond Dog!”
I facepalmed. I actually facepalmed. My face hit my palm so hard I heard it echo around the ballroom. If I could fit both of my palms on my face, I’d be double facepalming. And then I slammed my face into the ground several times when I heard Deluge speak up.
“That was my thought process,” she said coyly, walking up behind me. “Though, I wonder how my son would react to a little brother?”
The floor was unforgiving, and after pounding into it with my forehead I decided headaches weren’t the solution to my problem. All I could do was turn around and yell, “Number three on the list! Shenanigans!”
I was taking the offensive!
The two females laughed together as I dashed out of the hole in the wall and tried to escape from the horrifying images dancing in my head. The List had been broken! By a Diamond Dog and Twilight, no less!
Running from the ballroom was a good start, but where to go from there? I paused a few seconds in the courtyard before settling on the kitchen. After all, it was really the only place besides the ballroom I had spent any time in.
Jogging into the kitchen, I looked around for a while just to see if there was anything I had missed in my previous visits to distract myself. It was nice getting away from the two Equestrians, seeing as how I hadn’t had an hour to myself since being brought in by Twilight’s letter.
Thinking about that night, I couldn’t get my mind off the mysterious Q. A sarcastic, cocky sonofabitch... under different circumstances, I might have liked the guy. As things stood, though, I had to deal with the Nuckelavee before I could concentrate on him.
But his words kept echoing through my head. “We’ll be face to face soon enough young one,” he’d said. But what did that mean? Was all this part of some plan he had cooked up? Were the Nuckelavee his accomplices, or enemies?
Wandering over to a bookshelf I hadn’t noticed before, I thought to check out the culinary history of the ponies in order to forget about Q and his infuriatingly obscure words.
There wasn’t much to go on. Books like “Betty Crockpot” and “Martha Steward”, both of which featured culinary-flanked ponies on the cover, were common. I pulled out book after book, but was continuously disappointed. My grandmother had been trained at the Cordin Bleu in France, so the culinary tradition was strong in my family; I could cook circles around any of those ponies, given better ingredients than rabbit and egg.
Unexcited by the subpar gastronomic endeavors of said equines (I felt proud of my use of intelligent thoughts there), I decided I would explore the rest of the ruins. There was plenty of room to have an adventure, and the gals needed some time to cool off.
If I could find even one thing in a random room to take my mind off of the “Diamond Doggy Style” my mind had cooking up, it would be worth it.
*shudder*
As I started by wandering out of the kitchen and into some sort of large hallway, I was impressed with the scope of the ruins. You could tell they had been incredible during their prime, and I was a little disappointed I couldn’t see them then. Maybe if I talk to Luna and Celestia, I can figure out what they really looked like?
Then an idea hit me, and my mind took the brunt of the excitement that washed over me like a tidal wave.
I wandered purposefully for the better part of an hour in the cavernous Palace, trying to find the royal bedrooms.
When I found an extremely large and ornately decorated Bedchamber, I felt like the most achieved stalker ever. I stuck my head around one of a million similar thresholds, and was elated to see I was on my way into what had to be the Royal Bedchambers.
See, royalty owns no bedrooms. They are large, furnished Bedchambers. Not like it mattered. I was a whirlwind in there, going through a few wardrobes in search of Narnia (because why not?) and checking out the impressive views the room offered. Then, an idea struck me.
What was a better icebreaker than, “Hey there. How’s your kingdom doing? Canterlot’s really nice this time of year… Oh! By the way, your bed from a thousand years ago is really soft, and surprising easy to jump on!”
Oh yeah. I totally had an in with the Sisters already.
I finally got bored and started wandering again. Thinking Why would you put something unimportant at the top of stairs? I walked up a flight of spiraling stone stairs located down another long hallway from the Bedchambers. It was one large room I came to realize had once been a library.
Being the nerd I am, I immediately went to work finding any books I could on magic. The majority of the library’s books were missing, with only a few here and there dotting the massive bookshelves that lined each wall. I found a few on Starswirl the Bearded, but nothing on how to control the magic within one’s self. After a good twenty minutes of searching the mostly empty shelves and tables, I did manage to find two on Diamond Dog reproductive habits.
Go figure.
Taking the two books with me as kindling, I made my way out of the disappointing library with a slump to my shoulders.
Just as I left, a breeze tousled my hair. “I think you missed something, boy,” it whispered in my ear.
Whipping around with my fists raised, I couldn’t spot Q anywhere. The library’s windows were long since smashed though, so he could have easily escaped without my noticing. “What do you have against speaking like a normal person?!” I shouted indignantly into the library. “Gettin’ real sick of your shit, Q!”
I moved cautiously into the library once again, and noticed a book laying on the first table that had not been there before. I picked it up for a closer inspection, turning it over in my hands.
There was some sort of dazzling gold plaque on the back with an inscription I couldn’t make out. On the front, the title was large and easy to decipher: “Magic for Nonusers and Those Wishing to Discover”. Looking around, I didn’t see the mysterious Q in any obvious hiding spots. The breeze was gone as well, and though I felt like I was alone, I couldn’t shake just how close to my ear he was when he spoke.
Backing out of the library with the book in my hand, I didn’t turn until I had moved past the threshold and onto the staircase once more. Who knew when he would decide to sneak up again and put a blade between my shoulders?
With that thought twisting in my mind until I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, I sprinted the hell out of there. Down the staircase, past my Royal Bounce Room, through the kitchen and courtyard, back to the girls and the safety of my fire,I ran.
Leaping the wall of rubble, I dove for safety just as I could swear Q’s knife sliced the air where I had been moments before. Thankfully, both Twilight and Deluge were still there, and more than willing to let me sit between them. You know, just in case Q decided to take the one at either end.
Oh they may laugh, but when he snatches them then who’ll be left laughing?
I pulled out the creepy book that came as a gift from the maniac himself from my back pocket, and handed it to Twilight. “That creepy Q dude I told you about earlier magic’d this into the library when I had my back turned. Look familiar?”
Surprisingly, the books here were small enough to fit into my pockets. Even more surprising was that I managed to cram all three books down my pants while I was at a dead sprint. Unfortunately, the ones in my front pocket were large enough for Deluge to notice while Twilight glanced over my instruction manual.
“Is that more books in your pocket, or are you just happy to cuddle up with me?” she asked, winking as she lay her paw on my thigh.
You wouldn’t believe how fast I was sitting on the other side of the fire. In fact, I singed the leg of my jeans jumping over the flames! Almost as awkward as Deluge’s attention was the fact that Twilight was now interested in what I had in my pockets as well.
After reminding them there were no “Birds and the Bees” books here to teach me, and these two books were specifically meant to be kindling anyway, I showed them.
Twilight got up immediately, saying, “I’ll just leave you two alone for however long you need,” while Deluge laughed and made kissy faces across the fire.
I begged Twilight not to go. “Please! She could eat me for all I know! I mean look at her, she’s monstrous! She’ll probably hunt me in some sort of strange ritual to a Doggy God!” I pleaded. Side note: fear of their physical abilities is a major turn on for a Diamond Dog. So now she really thought I was up for it, and I had to play a game called “Go Learn Magic to Avoid the Crazed Female Diamond Dog Who Wants Your Body”.
Trust me, the game isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.
As I grabbed Twilight and hoisted her outside, I learned something else about ponies I didn’t know. They are incredibly light. Twilight couldn’t have weighed more than fifty or sixty pounds! Despite her protests, therefore, I carried a very disgruntled purple pony outside under one arm, while fending off my unwanted suitor with the other.
Bitches, man. They wear a playa out.
After I convinced Deluge what I had to do was actually important, she finally grumbled and walked away to sit under a tree and watch.
“What is wrong with you?” I called after her as I set Twilight down. “You were literally trying to kill me three days ago! And I’m obviously not interested!”
She just laughed from the shade. “Males always come around to Deluge!”
I shivered heartily, despite standing in the warm sunshine.
Opening the book on magic to the first page and stepping away, I asked Twilight to read me the instructions to magical control one at a time. “That way,” I said, “I can get the basics down pat now, and work on the fancy stuff later.”
“I thought your name was Paul!” Deluge called from her resting spot.
Without turning, I yelled back, “It’s just an expression!”
“Stupid expression!” I heard from behind me.
“Yeah, well, it’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools, okay?” I answered hotly. Seriously, who did she think she was insulting Earth like that?
Twilight just rolled her eyes. “Alright, I’ll bite; what is that expression from, and what does it mean?” She knew me well enough already to understand that I quote people and movies a lot.
I just shrugged. “Don’t worry about it,” I answered dismissively.
Seeing her right front hoof starting to paw at the ground in preparation for a charge, I remembered that was on the ‘Don’t Say’ list, and had to think quickly to avoid being skewered.
“Hey hey, Twilight, now just calm d- uuuh… okay, what I meant was, it’s inconsequential, so can we please go back to teaching me magic beyond some vibrations through a crystal?” I asked hopefully.
She just snorted, but at least she didn’t charge.
I’ll take it!
“Alright!” I said loudly, clapping my hands together. “Now, what does it say first?” Glancing at the book, Twilight‘s horn glowed as she whipped through the pages. I didn’t understand why she had elected not to just read the book like I’d asked her.
I decided to let her do what she wanted, since she was the magical/book expert there. Something I learned from my father was not to question women.
“A happy wife is a happy life,” he used to say. “Except that goes for every woman.” I learned fairly quickly. I had an older sister that would strangely turn into a savage, raging beast every month, and it was in my best interests to stay on her good side if I wanted to keep my throat where it should be. Let’s just say, when I was four, she broke my arm for making fun of her.
Females are the more terrifying of any species, as I was to learn time and time again during my stay in Equestria.
After a few minutes of Twilight just flipping through the pages, she finally sighed and gave me a summary. “It basically says, you have to discover magic within yourself if it’s there. Other than that, the only way you’re changing magic is by changing your very body..”
“Well that’s just great!” I shouted. “Thanks for that, Q! Real helpful!”
Turning it over, Twilight searched for a few seconds before she found a name. “It just says, ‘By Q’. Then it reads ‘But under it all they were ponies, penetrating the land of desolation and mockery and silence, puny adventurers bent on colossal adventure, pitting themselves against the might of a world as remote and alien and pulseless as the abysses of space.’ What the hay does that mean?”
I didn’t answer. I was silenced by my memories and I was honestly disturbed. Looking up at me as I quietly walked over, Twilight asked again. “What does it mean, Paul?”
It didn’t make any sense. I took the book in my hands reverently, and read the print for myself. “I’ve heard that before... A long time ago, my father would read to me when it was my bedtime…”
I looked at Twilight. “This is an almost direct quote from the book I loved him reading the most. It was called ‘The Call of the Wild.’ He would do these silly voices…” I trailed off as my voice cracked. It had been a long time since I had remembered those good times with my father, and I fell silent while I reflected.
He had died years before, when I was around twelve, of cancer. For the most part I could only remember the small pieces of wisdom he would impart whenever he could. After he had been diagnosed, he spent as much time with my family as he could. He loved to take me on hikes, on fishing trips, hunting small game, and other outdoor activities. He especially loved flying, though, and we caught every airshow we could.
It was our way of hiding from the harsh realities of the world- school, loneliness and bullies for me, untreatable cancer, bills, and poverty for him. When he got too sick to go out with me was when he started reading constantly to my siblings. That was when I developed my love for classic literature, during his readings of such tales as “Aladdin and the Forty Thieves” or “White Fang”.
The book I loved the most, and the book he most enjoyed reading, was “Call of the Wild”. The last time I saw him, he asked me to never forget my love of nature or the love that we shared, and handed me his copy.
Twilight waited silently, letting me sort through my thoughts. I realized as I came out of my memories that she had been waiting patiently for a few solid minutes. Powerful memories can do that to you.
“These words… It’s impossible they could just coincidentally pop up in Equestria.” I told her. “Besides, there are things mentioned here you ponies don’t even think about!” Pointing them out, I asked, “When have ponies ever dreamed of the world in that context? Or considered weather so dark and foreboding?”
Twilight just shook her head. “Not only that, we can control the weather here. There is no place in Equestria that could even be remotely describing.”
I was shaken. Looking around, I realized the mysterious Q was sending me a very personal message. He obviously knew me... so why didn’t he attack during any of the countless opportunities he’d had? Or was I some sort of pawn in a larger game that I had yet to understand?
Nothing so far in Equestria had shaken me nearly as deeply as it should have, I wouldn’t let it. If I did, I would have been a blubbering mess… but that book, that quote? It was distressing on a completely different level.
It didn’t seem to bother Twilight quite as much. “It’s odd, I give you that. But is it dangerous?”
I couldn’t tell, but I didn’t get the feeling it was. If whatever was going on really had been malignant, wouldn’t he be attacking while we stood out in the open? “I… don’t think so…” I told her uncertainly.
“Well then it isn’t,” Twilight stated simply, seemingly confident it was nothing to worry about.
“Books!” Deluge yelled. “You never can trust them!” I recognized an opportunity to move beyond my feelings of disquiet, maybe even forget them for a while, and seized it.
I turned to her, calling back, “Really? Then how did you learn to speak so much better than the other Diamond Dogs?”
“Simple! I would look at ‘em before I threw them in the fire!”
“I could see that, actually,” I mused. “A younger, more attractive Deluge burning books as she raided small homes on the outskirts of towns. Searching for precious gems, of course.” I sighed. “Now, that Deluge might have had a chance with me…”
The rock that flew past my head actually whistled through the air, and broke into pieces against the wall thirty feet behind me. I was impressed by the throw- I didn’t know her paws were dexterous enough to pick up rocks like that, much less throw them so hard!
She snarled, and came after me for everything she was worth. If you’ve never had an enraged Diamond Dog female coming after you, let me describe it: imagine you’re in Friday the 13th (the original, not the crap new ones), and you just drowned Jason Voorhees in your own bathtub. Deluge, in that case, would be channeling Mrs. Voorhees.
Much sooner than I would have liked, I was trapped in the corner where the west and north buildings (the Elements of Harmony’s resting place and the Palace proper, respectively) met. The area was shaded by a somewhat large tree, there were no windows nearby, and there was no way I could simply pound through the stone. I might have been strong in Equestria, but I didn’t think I was that strong.
I saw Twilight behind Deluge laughing her head off, clapping her forehooves together as Deluge advanced slowly. Glad she could enjoy my execution.
As I focused on Deluge, I noticed her panting wildly but grinning at the same time. “Guess my wound has healed well enough for activity! Now, what were you saying about me being attractive?”
“I was saying you aren’t!” I shouted, trying to climb the walls without turning my back on her. Terror let me climb my way up about four feet of wall out of pure will, but I quickly came sliding back down.
“I was saying I don’t like you like that! Uh, this relationship is entirely platonic! I’LL CALL CPS ON YOU!”
She was utterly unfazed.
“I don’t know what Platonic or CPS are, but I’m pretty sure they won’t interrupt…” and she puckered. Jesus Christ on a Bike, she PUCKERED!
As she advanced, I relinquished myself to my instincts.
"DEATH FIRST!” I screamed, flailing my arms in the vain hope that I could stop the terror from making contact. Hey, nobody ever said I have killer instincts with the opposite gender.
Thankfully, Twilight intervened. Deluge was scooped up in a glowing purple aura, and placed unceremoniously at the top of the tree that stood behind her. She barked angrily from up there, but wouldn’t risk jumping down. Climbing down was possible, but it would take a while so she elected to sit and watch from her new roost.
“I’ll get you back! Just you wait!” she called angrily.
Twilight looked at me pointedly. “Now that your distractions are taken care of-” Deluge growled from within the tree- “you need to focus on finding and controlling your consumption of magic. I know sitting still must be hard for you, but you have to try.”
When Twilight’s right, she’s right. Of course, while she was keeping that love-crazed dog out of my personal space, I was indebted to her and would do whatever the hell she wanted me to!
I sat down with a sigh, crossing my legs and closing my eyes. I’d heard that letting everything relax was a good way to start, so I let my head hang down to my chest as I slowly released the tension throughout my body. From the top of my head to the soles of my feet, I focused on letting each and every muscle loosen.
When there was nothing else to relax, I began the search within myself. It was odd in a way; because I was so relaxed, I wasn’t distracted by my physical body. I guess I would risk sounding corny by saying I was searching my ‘true self’ or whatever you want to call it, but it was a part of me that was beyond any physical sensation.
I traced every part of this other self, this ‘me’ that I had never paid attention to. It felt like it had been neglected, crushed deep within my mind beneath the weight of a life full of regrets. There wasn’t much time to search your soul when you have no assurance that you will live to see the next day throughout childhood, after all.
I felt this other me almost breathing, in lieu of a better word to describe the metaphysical sensation of movement. From this neglected part of me there seemed to be a small greedily pulsing flow of energy, constantly being absorbed from everywhere at once. Unlike what I expected, there were no real outlets for the energy; I didn’t feel anything meant to give off magic. It was possible that with nowhere to go, my body simply absorbed it into normal functions, but I had no idea.
“Twilight, how does it feel when you access your magic?” I asked without opening my eyes. The words slurred slightly, my lips almost unwilling to move.
“Well, I usually reach deep down and draw out my magic through the large pathway to my horn. It’s an energy I can feel running through me, and I just change its course to do what I need.”
I tried what she had described, playing with the channels running into this other part of me, and managed to dilate them slightly. The ball of energy I contained surged with the larger amount of magic being absorbed, and I felt a rush of ecstasy that frightened me a little.
Focusing within, I imagined the energy influx slowing to a stop. I tried to visualize the channels constricting to a stop, cutting off the draw of magic. Deep within me the magic started to diminish, and the ‘true’ self I had neglected so long suddenly came to the forefront of my mind.
Still utterly relaxed, I started hyperventilating as my conscious feared what repercussions would come from the lack of magic. This can’t be happening, I can’t survive like this, I NEED that magic, I’m going to die! I’m going to wither to nothing, die alone and afraid! Nothing can stop the coming darkness!
My physical body, which seemed so distant, began trembling and convulsing as I sat there trapped. I began hyperventilating even faster, trying to scream at Twilight to help me! All I could manage was a slight movement of my tongue, which took such a tremendous effort, and make little noises. The wild thoughts of death, suffocation, the cold void of nonexistence reaching for me continued running through my mind unhindered, so loud that I wanted to clamp down on my ears and scream to drown them out.
I felt some sort of movement, but I was numb to almost everything going on in the physical world. There was nothing but the screaming, the primal fear that was running rampant through my head, and my attempts to stop it as I sat within a corner of my mind.
“Paul!” I heard from down outside. Then a pounding sensation, and the calling of my name became more frantic. Repeatedly I heard it, “Paul! Paul! Paul, are you okay?!” and I focused on it. I crawled toward it in my mind, hoping for some salvation from my internal hell.
As I came closer and closer to the sound of my name being called, the fearful thoughts began to slow. Sensations returned from the outside world, and I realized that I was screaming wordlessly with tears running down my face. I was on my side in a fetal position on the ground, and Twilight was shaking me frantically.
“Paul! Dear Celestia, what is wrong with you?! Snap out of it, Paul!” She yelled as her wide eyes stared into mine. I saw Deluge pop up behind her, terror written all over her face, and I let my voice fade to a whisper.
Twilight and Deluge sat there frozen with tension as I looked between them. The tears still fell freely from my eyes, but at least I wasn’t convulsing or screaming anymore. I licked my lips, and tasted blood. “Wha-” I started, the pain in my throat flaring immediately.
I swallowed a few times, then tried again. “What just happened?” I managed to rasp quietly, to the relief of them both.
Twilight sat back, fear still plain in her shaky movements. “You... you sat there for about five minutes, then you asked me what it was like to use my magic. Then you...”
She shook her head, and Deluge spoke up. “You started drooling, then convulsing. You fell onto your side and started screaming at the top of your lungs, and Twilight started trying to shake you awake. I think you know more about what just happened than we do, Paul.”
I nodded slowly, then uncurled myself painfully. Every muscle was cramped into place, and it took a little doing to stretch them. I managed to stand, but only barely.
“Ok... I think my body didn’t react well to going cold turkey on magic,” I tried to laugh, but it came out as a coughing gasp. i put my hand up to my mouth, and realized that I had bit my tongue in my seizing. I spit out the blood, ignoring the copper taste, and glanced at the wordless Equestrians. “Well?” I asked, lifting my hands and letting them drop helplessly. “Nothing?”
Twilight’s face said it all: I had fucked up in a major way. “No creature can live entirely magic!” she cried after a moment, her front hooves thrown out angrily. “None! You’re lucky to still be alive after trying to cut yourself off of magic entirely! What is WRONG with you?!?”
“Even I know that, Paul!” Deluge scolded.
I looked between the two of them incredulously. “How was I supposed to know that?!” I yelled as loudly as I could. “Y’know what? New rule! Always assume the human is stupid, and explain everything pertinent to a situation like him DYING, ok?!”
They shook their heads in disgust, and I rubbed my eyes with trembling hands. “Okay,” I croaked. “So I have to cut myself off from magic as much as possible, but not to the point that I die... Simple enough.Far as I can tell, I’m sitting at about as low an intake as I can be. Want to try a magic spell on me Twilight?”
She winced. “Why don’t we let you take a rest for a bit?” she offered. “Just sit in the shade for a while, maybe get something to drink while you recuperate.”
“Would you get my binkie too?” I smirked at her tiredly. “I’m fine. Just a little episode, all finished now. Let’s get something productive done, I’m tired of sitting around a campfire with nothing to talk about but Deluge’s aches and pains.”
Deluge bristled, but didn’t respond in kind. Probably because I was still trembling through my front of nonchalance. Twilight looked doubtful, but her horn lit up a little bit.
I waited patiently, but nothing happened. Her horn remained lit and she stayed stoic, and yet there wasn’t any effect.“Uh, Twilight? You aren’t doing anything,” I pushed. “I don’t feel like I’m taking any magic in though, so maybe up the ante a little bit?”
Her horn lit up a bit more, and I felt a little discomfort but nothing more.
“Twilight, c’mon no-” I started before being cut off.
“I’m doing it, ok?” She snapped at me. “I’m putting a levitation spell on you, but slowly enough that it’s only nullifying your weight in small increments. Right now, if you aren’t absorbing anything, you’re about fifteen pounds lighter.”
I groaned, crossing my arms. “Look Twilight, just crank it up a notch already. If I keep standing here, I’m just going to pass out and ruin my obviously superior human complexion with the rough Equestrian ground. Give me seventy five percent of my weight gone, how’s that?”
“I wouldn’t be sure she can lift that much,” Deluge noted with a wry expression. “Let’s stop it around a few thousand at most, ok?”
Twilight smiled despite herself, and I shook a mockingly angry fist at the Diamond Dog. “Up yours, pal! I’ll have you know females on my planet happen to dig taller guys!”
“Really?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow as her horn began to glow more fiercely.
“A lot of them, yeah. Don’t really know first hand,” I admitted before giving a shout of surprise. Have you ever been on one of those amusement park rides where they take you into the sky before dropping you into a free fall? Imagine that sensation doubled while you stand perfectly still.
“Cranked up enough for you?” Twilight smirked as I went through a serious fight to keep my breakfast down.
“Believe it or not, being almost weightless feels freaky!” I shouted before giving a testing hop. I ended up sailing ten feet into the air, then falling back down to alight gracefully on my toes. “Call me Neil ladies! This is one small hop for ponies, but a freakin’ epic leap for me!” I called as I jumped gleefully around the courtyard.
Twilight and Deluge watched with amused faces as I made an even bigger fool of myself by doing backflips, jumping off the face of the decrepit buildings, and just generally running amok. I started feeling queasy pretty quick, though, and decided to open my magic-consuming pathways a little bit to offset the low blood sugar kind of feeling I had.
My mistake was doing so mid-leap.
“He’s like a child,” Twilight murmured to Deluge as Paul happily leapt around the courtyard. “I kinda like that about him. Makes the whole size difference less intimidating, at least.”
“You say that, but I’m the only one here who’s actually fought him!” Deluge giggled back. “And it wasn’t too bad rolling around with him, not that I think about it...”
Twilight rolled her eyes and looked away with an amused snort. “You’re fairly open abo-” she began, but then she felt a massive drain on her magic. It was like she was no longer giving out the magic; the magic was being forcefully ripped from her. The spell itself dissolved under the magical strain, and she heard the dull sound of a body hitting the ground.
Looking up, she saw Paul laying on his back shaking. Immediately terrified that he had somehow managed to kill himself despite her warnings, Twilight galloped to his side as fast as she could. Deluge beat her there by no more than a few milliseconds, but was already on her knees about to begin trying to resuscitate him.
When they saw the look on Paul’s face, though, they forgot about their momentary fears. His silent shaking came not from a disconnection with magic, but from the fact that he was laughing so hard he couldn’t make a noise.
He rolled onto his side, taking a heaving breath before opening his eyes and seeing the half shocked, half angry faces once again above him.
“Guess I shouldn’t start sucking magic when magic’s the only thing keeping me in the air, huh?” he sputtered before continuing his side splitting laughter. Deluge laughed a little, more from the ridiculous manchild pounding his fist into the ground than the fall itself. Twilight, however, did not find it as funny.
“Really funny, Paul. Laugh it up. You could have killed yourself!” she scolded. He wiped some tears from his eyes, nodded up to her. as she spoke. “Do you think I enjoy playing games out here in the forest while my friends are in captivity, Paul?” she asked pointedly.
“N-no! Of course not, Twilight!” Paul gulped. “I only meant-”
“What? What did you mean?” Twilight interrupted.
“Twilight, I understand you’re frustrated, but nothing can be done for your friends or my pack members right now,” Deluge comforted. “If we don’t take our minds off our loved ones from time to time, we’ll go crazy out here.”
Twilight turned around and trotted a few paces away, kicking at the dirt when she came to a stop. Paul looked over to Deluge, gave her a thumbs up and mouthed, “You’re smart!” with an enthusiastic nod. Deluge responded by hitting him in the shoulder and pointing expectantly at Twilight.
Paul got the message, making his way to his feet as he rubbed his shoulder good naturedly. Narrowing his eyes, he paced determinedly toward Twilight. Reaching her side, he fell to one knee and prompted her attention with a poke in the side.
“Ow!” Twilight complained, turning to face Paul angrily. “What are you doing?!”
Paul caught her head in his large hands, and held her looking straight at him. “Twilight, listen to me,” he said gently yet sternly. “I haven’t forgotten about your friends, and neither should you. But Deluge was right. If we haven’t reached the correct state of mind, come up with working plays, and hammered out the details, then we’re not going to do well in any power plays. So put on your game face, forget about the distractions, and let’s do what needs to be done here and now to ensure we’re at our peak when the time comes. Ok?”
Twilight was frustrated to no end. She felt nothing was being done to help her girls, her best friends in the world, or even the rest of Equestria itself. Looking into Paul’s eyes, she saw determination that lit a fire deep inside her. He was righteous, he held an anger within him, but it was controlled and pinpointed. She held no doubts in her mind, looking deep into Paul, that he was doing what he felt was right for them all.
“Fine, Paul,” she lamented, pulling her head from his grasp. “But there’s something you keep overlooking. There’s no way to change your body like Rarity did, because nopony knows how to change their entire being into something else. You can change the cosmetics of things, add an appendage here and there, but that isn’t going to disguise you as a pony.”
“There’s where you’re wrong, little pony,” the wind laughed.
Immediately, the stillness of the courtyard turned into a raging tempest as hurricane-force winds whipped around in a frenzy. Deluge dove into the ground with a burst of freshly dug earth, and but Paul and Twilight were too far from the hole to reach it in time. Instead, Paul grabbed Twilight around the waist and forced her to the ground beneath him.
“Sorry if you get caught in the crossfire here, Twilight,” he grunted before standing tall. The winds almost knocked him from his feet, but he refused to be cowed any longer by Q and his parlor tricks.
“Let’s go, Q! I think I’ve found a way to level the playing field!” he roared before spreading his arms wide.
Twilight felt it immediately. The magic turning the air around them dropped into Paul like he was a void trying to be filled, and though he was sucking magic from the air from the most part, he still put a substantial drain on the purple alicorn.
The gusts slowed, trying sluggishly to continue before coming to a bare whisper. Paul was breathing deeply, but he had a wicked grin plastered over his face. “Come face me now, Q! Let’s figure out where you stand in all this!” he boomed, his voice at least a full octave lower than normal.
“I think decidedly not, my dear boy, as I prefer to float!” Twilight heard from somewhere far above. “However I have ‘leveled the playing field’ considerably for you and your companions, and your plans can continue unhindered. Why don’t you check page two oh one?”
With that, the wind stopped altogether. Everything was still in the courtyard, save for Deluge popping her head out of the ground. “So uh, I assume that’s the ‘Q’ you told us about earlier?” she asked casually, hoisting herself out of the hole. “You were definitely right about his dramatic entrances, Paul.”
Twilight looked to Paul, and he was pursing his lips in confusion. “I don’t get it, why the entrances at all?!” he muttered angrily to himself. Seeing Twilight watching him though, his features softened and he extended a hand to lift her to her hooves.
“Sorry about shoving you to the ground, Twilight... I guess some dogs forget the other mammals can’t dig ten feet into the earth in the blink of an eye!”
Deluge grinned as she sauntered over to the book left distinctly in the middle of the courtyard, untouched by the howling winds. “Oh, I didn’t forget about you two Paul,” she responded as she brought the book over to Twilight. “I just figured you’d be your big strong self and save the helpless Princess,” she winked.
Paul shook his head. “Deluge, I’ll bone a dragon before we go anywhere relationship-wise. I’m just going to be straight with you.”
“Give me a day and a net, and then our first date will be on the edge of a cliff as the sun sets in the evening,” Deluge nudged Paul seductively. “You can have your fun with the dragon first, of course... by the way, any preference on the gender or do you swing both ways?”
Paul clamped his hands over his ears, pushing Deluge away with his foot. “Lalala, can’t hear the horny Diamond Dog. Lalala, wish I had a cold hose. Lalala, I’d get you fixed. Lalala...”
Twilight was busy flipping through the book to the page Q had mentioned. While Paul and Deluge got louder and louder, trying to talk over each other, she realized that the book had changed. There were at least three extra pages that hadn’t existed before, all detailing a relatively simple spell that required nothing more than the right caster and a massive amount of magical energy stored within the subject.
There were even diagrams detailing pony, griffon, dragon, and human anatomies for maximum spell potency.
“Paul, I think I’ve found a way to turn you into a pony!” Twilight exclaimed. Unfortunately, Paul still had his hands clamped over his ears and was talking loudly. A well aimed stone quickly got his attention, though he didn’t appreciate where it had landed its blow.
Rubbing his nipple, Paul came walking over. “Those things really sting, you know that?” he grumped. “First Q comes in here looking for a fight, then Deluge starts talking about dragons in very explicit terms-”
“You started it!”
“- and now you’re throwing little rocks at people’s nipples. I gotta say, after not telling me I was going to kill myself cutting off all magic, you’re not redeeming yourself in my eyes lil girly.”
“Shut up Paul, I know why Q did what he did,” Twilight told him bluntly. He immediately straightened, and motioned for her to continue.
“Ok...” Twilight started, flipping back a few pages. “First of all, Q obviously has been listening in to all of our conversations and been keeping a very close eye on you. Somehow he knows that you absorb magic, and there’s a spell he just put into this book that requires almost nothing more than a massive amount of magic to be contained within the target. As in, amounts of magic nopony could possibly absorb naturally, and would almost certainly kill them if they absorbed that much.”
“So you think he’s created a spell specifically to help us in our plans?” Paul asked incredulously. “I just... I don’t understand why he would do that.”
Twilight shrugged with her wings as her snout was planted firmly into the book. “The spell’s weaving checks out, the diagrams make sense, in fact it’s so simple that beyond the amount of magic required, I have no idea why this wouldn’t be commonplace in Equestria already. At the very least, Starswirl the Bearded would have figured this spell out centuries ago!”
Paul shrugged, giving up. “If you think it looks alright, then let’s do it. You are the Element of Magic after all... just don’t turn me into a wooly mammoth or anything, ok? I’m putting my life in your hands here.”
Deluge leaned toward Twilight as Paul paced away, muttering, “If he were a wooly mammoth, I’d still ride ‘im!”
“Not appropriate! Bad Deluge! I can still hear you! Bad!” Paul shouted back. “Twilight, can you just cast the stupid spell so we can see if it really works?
Twilight had gone over everything in her head, and she nodded confidently. “Shouldn’t be a problem. Basically... ah, how to explain it? Um... ok, you know how you seem to absorb magic in any form?”
Paul nodded expectantly, excitedly clasping his hands together.
“Well,” continued Twilight, “Imagine a spell being absorbed in its true form, like you do with any other magic. Except when you absorb it, the spell will retain its cohesion instead of being torn apart like everything else. It will flow to the center of your magic to change the way it flows through your channels, your very being. It will effectively alter your appearance and, to a minor degree, your magical capabilities.”
Paul grinned widely, excited beyond words. After all, he was just seconds away from every brony’s dream. He was going to be a pony!
“Do you know what kind of pony you want to be?” she asked, her horn starting to glow as she warmed up her magic. “Unicorn, Alicorn, Pegasus, Earth? Have you given that any thought?
That blew my mind. First of all, who knew I could decide? Secondly, which should I choose?!? I thought it would be the easiest decision in the world, which pony I wanted to be. Instead, I had no idea. “Flying might be helpful, but then every time I flew I could be tracked... I might need a little more help than an Earth Pony body… Alicorn would stick out too much, take too long to explain...” I mumbled, running my hands through my closely cropped hair.
“What will change about me?” I asked Twilight. I needed to make the best decision possible, and there was no way I was going to make it willy-nilly!
“Well, I’m not too sure,” she told me. “I haven’t exactly had the chance to test it, but it seems like nothing much should change. You’ll be the exact pony version of yourself. Or, the pony version of your emotions… One of those two. The script isn’t all too clear on that point.”
Not exactly reassuring information, let me tell you. There was no way I wanted to look like my insides! “I thought you said there would be no issues?” I asked nervously.
“Well, I did! Theoretically speaking, there shouldn’t be.” She smiled sheepishly. “The one semi-test I did in my head went just fine But your absorption should make it okay even if we screw this up!”
“Oh well. I guess there’s no time like the present for the scientific method, right Twilight? Hit me!” I yelled at her, extending my arms and closing my eyes.
“But you haven’t chosen one pony type yet!” she complained.
I heard Deluge mutter quietly “Earth pony! Go with Earth pony!”
Earth Pony was definitely out.
Opening my eyes and looking at her, I told Twilight, “Just hit me without a certain one chosen. I’m sure things will sort themselves out. Maybe try to avoid ‘Earth ‘Pony’ though?”
I happily heard Deluge grumbling, and Twilight sighed. “Fine. But when you end up looking like a mutant, don’t come crying to me!”
Backing away, her horn started glowing in a color that seemed outside of human range. It was a brightening, only somewhat visible color that surrounded me, the same color that came from Twilight’s horn, but it was indescribable. At most I would compare it to a black light that was off-white instead of purple, something that glowed more fiercely when you weren’t looking directly at it. I immediately had a major distrust of it.
“Absorb it, Paul!” Twilight called out through gritted teeth. “Suck it in to your core!
I felt for the magic within me, and found it. I opened myself to absorbing as much magic around me as possible, and the channels expanded greedily. I felt the aura around me seep into the conduits of magic, and the core of my magic. While not uncomfortable, the invasion felt… strange. Like I was being exposed on some deeply personal level.
But I trusted Twilight entirely, and allowed her spell to do what it had to. It surrounded the knot of slowly pulsing magic like a python, writhing and corrupting. At least, that’s how it felt. While consciously it felt wrong, my other self welcomed the spell openly. Then, as it began to merge with my own magic, there was the sudden sensation that the paths wanted to rearrange themselves. It felt fundamentally wrong at first, and my magical self had to truly force my body to accept it.
The pathways I had just begun to explore shrank into nonexistence. Cut off from the magic around me, I held enough of the power gathered from Q’s freakish storm that I could survive without the outside input. But now there was a ball of squirming, restless energy within me that had nowhere to go! There was no escape, no going back; the spell had taken effect, and seemed to simply stop there!
I began to panic. My thoughts started to quicken as my conscious, higher level self started trying to reject the spell that had already been integrated into my core. My other self tried to calm me, but I couldn’t help remembering being so close to death only just before.
Twilight might not have changed the spell to be safe for a human!
I feel like I’m going to explode!
I need release NOW!
After trying to contain the mass within, to quell the rumblings of freedom for as long as I could, I came unglued. The energy burst painfully through me, forcing its way out in every direction.
It was a grenade going off within me, and I shattered.
After what seemed like an eternity, the channels pulsed strongly, solidifying their existence. Instead of a constant outflow of energy, I began to feel a give and take. A pure, unimaginably large tide of magic crashed over me from outside my body, and my subconscious self fought back with just as much force from within. Finally the two opposing magical forces settled, equalizing within and without.
When I could finally focus on my physical body once more, I felt like I had just gone through osmosis. I was open to the flow of energy going both ways now, even creating a bit, whereas before I had simply absorbed and stored. It was painful but energizing, like the feeling you get after a really intense workout. The magic I felt within was truly mine, and was at peace with the world around it.
I shakily got to my hands and knees, keeping my limbs apart to steady myself.
No. That’s not right. Not my hands and knees- my hooves.
Opening my eyes, I saw nothing but bright colors everywhere. It was too much to take at first, and I squeezed them shut again. Trying to fight through the pain, I opened my watering eyes to see Twilight and Deluge grinning wildly at me. Once they came into focus, I saw they were both much brighter colors. Looking around, I saw everything was brighter, happier colors.
The Technicolor we humans see is nothing compared to the ponies; they see things for what they are, not just the shading and amount of light on each object. I know, that’s a vague way to describe it. Try explaining regular colors to someone who’s been blind their entire life, and you’ll know what I mean.
I felt something else as well.
Magic. Everywhere.
All around me, I could feel the currents of magic as they naturaly occurred. It flowed from everything to one degree or another, mixing together in an evanescent cloud, and as I extended my new extrasensory magical perception I felt Twilight’s magic. She wasn’t just containing a large amount of magic, like I had been earlier.
I suppose I could equate it to a beaver dam being compared to the Nile. Whereas I had contained the magic, saving it up as it flowed into me, Twilight swam in it. She was simply a focus point, not a stopping point, for the magic. While I could have saved up a bit of magic and released it in human form, she seemingly was only limited on how much she could create or draw on at one time.
I smiled, and then licked my lips. Whoa- new lips that ran almost twenty degrees more around my mouth than before! Snout, I corrected myself. Continuing to explore my mouth, I realized my palate was elongated, my tongue was bigger, and my teeth were all larger.
Blinking with heavier eyelids was strange too, though not unbearably so.
Pretty soon I was just standing there, working each one of my facial muscles through its paces to see what sort of endurance they had. I could still raise either eyebrow, and made sure to show off the wonderful trick of making them roll like a wave. Both ways. The females clapped good naturedly, giggling a little bit.
Chuckling, I trotted (That’s right! Trotted! Be jealous!) over to Twilight and Deluge. I may or may not have tripped over my four left hooves a couple of times, but that wasn’t important.
“I WIN!” I yelled triumphantly as I tried throwing my forehooves into the air for the first time. I was reminded that I had yet to entirely master my equine balance when gravity slapped my face into the ground.
Stupid gravity.
While Deluge laughed her way into the ballroom and I picked myself off the ground, Twilight came to sit beside me. “So, first you were the silliest human I’d ever met,” she commented, watching me dust myself off with a smile. “Now, you’re the silliest unicorn!”
The dirt could wait.
“What did you just say?” I asked her. My hands forehooves started to tremble.
“Unicorn?” she asked, one eyebrow rising. “Is it really that big of a deal?”
I lost it. I mean, I just surrendered myself to the moment. Usually dangerous, this time it resulted with a bear hugged Twilight being twirled around faster than she probably ever had been in her life. Ever seen one of those stress balls where the eyes squeeze out? That’s basically what Twilight looked like. How? Cartoons. Why? Because buck logic we’re in Equestria, that’s why!
“Paul!” she gasped. I was surprised she had any air left in her to speak. “Can’t breathe!”
Dropping her immediately, I felt ashamed for a second that she may have been hurt. Then I remembered I was a UNICORN (!) and that meant everything else could wait until my fanboy moment was finished.
I can admit that I felt a little bad afterwards, considering said fanboy got everywhere. The tree, the ballroom, Twilight, even me. Everything was fanboy’d. Thankfully, Twilight was understanding.
“A name!” I shouted just as she was starting to stand. “I need a name! It has to match my color!”
Inspecting myself, I realized I was a sort of red hue, somewhere between rust and carmine. My tail was a lime green for the most part, with a few shocking streaks of electric blue. I couldn’t see my mane, but could tell it was fairly short for a pony. Much longer than I would have kept it as a human of course, but if it was sporting the same palette as my tail, there was no way I was going to cut it!
Grabbing Twilight because she was the only thing reflective around, I stared hard into her eyes trying to discern what color my own were. They seemed to be a somewhat cyan color, much deeper blue at the top and fading into a lighter hue toward the bottom of my iris.
“Um… Can I help you?” Twilight asked, obviously a little freaked out that I was staring so intently into her eyes without saying a word. To her credit she never fidgeted too much during all the rough ponyhandling.
“Keep still, I’m trying to see what color my eyes are!” I chided her, craning my neck in every direction to inspect my new eyes from each angle. They were beautiful, in case you’re interested.
As I bent my head down to look at my new gigantic eyeballs, my horn poked Twilight in the nose. She jerked back a little, but didn’t say anything.
I gasped. “My horn!”
Reaching up tentatively, I felt the sharp point of a large horn sticking out of my forehead. Tracing the swirls all the way to the base with my shaking hoof, I realized it was significantly bigger than Twilight’s. Also, as there were no... shall we call them special stimulations, I assumed that the interwebs were wrong; the horn wasn’t an erogenous zone.
“Stand up fully please!” I begged her. As she did, I stood side by side with her. I was a good deal taller than Twilight, and our horns were just as disproportioned.
Twilight was impressed, as was to be expected. “You’re even bigger than my brother!” she exclaimed. “Maybe not as large as Big Macintosh, but still! It’s almost unheard of for a unicorn to be so big!”
My head swelled about two times its regular size. Ego coursed through me until my brain, once again inserting itself, reminded me of the practicality of the situation.
I said to myself, I’m going to stand out now, and I have no idea what the Nuckelavee are looking for in ponies! I may end up hurting the mission by being the way I am! Also, where have my clothes gone? I’m naked.
Objectively speaking, I had brought up some really good points. Naturally I decided to ignore them, and just went with what was relevant at the moment. That didn’t include my apparent nudity, in case you’re wondering. I happened to enjoy that breeze across my plot.
Thankfully, Twilight was seemingly very sympathetic. At least, she hadn’t run off by now due to my crazy moments. So, i decided I would push for just a teensy bit more. “Twilight,” I said sheepishly. “Um… can you teach me how to use my horn? Or, now that I think about it, how do I go to the bathroom?”
She wasn’t up for that, incidentally. All she told me was that I’d figure it out when the need arose. “Do you guys at least have toilets so I can ‘number two’?” I asked warily.
She just laughed. “Ponies don’t go ‘number two’! We evolved past that millennia ago!”
Ponies were then declared officially better than humans. I enjoy a good squat like the next guy, but evolving past the point it was even necessary? That is the dictionary definition of awesome.
“A name, though…” she tapped her hooves on the ground thoughtfully. I was more than content to let her come up with the name. I had never been good at naming; if it was up to me, my future children would have been named George Washington and Liam Neeson.
“It has to be representative of me, but not sound too ridiculous,” I suggested helpfully when she hadn’t said anything aloud for a while.
She just waved me off. “What do I know about you?” she asked herself.
She studied me carefully, and started trotting around me in circles. “I know you’re loyal… I know you’d never hurt a pony… I know you’re entirely ridiculous… I know you’re compassionate… I know you promised to always offer your help to anypony who needs it…”
Finally, her eyes lit up. “I’ve got it!” she shouted triumphantly. “We’ll name you Promise!”
I haven’t had such a letdown since “Prometheus”.
“Why don’t we just tattoo flowers on my flank and magic me into a mare while we’re at it?” I asked, rolling my eyes as I scoffed. Honestly, it hadn’t occurred to me such a smart pony could have such a dumb idea.
“Don’t tempt me!” Twilight warned, her horn glowing.
“Touchy,” I mumbled. “Alright then, can we at least make it sound a little more like I’ve got some testosterone in me?”
I thought about what I had just said for a second. “Actually, do male ponies even have testosterone?”
Twilight just shrugged. “I don’t know, I’ve never heard of ‘testerown’ before.”
As I was about to correct her, Deluge popped up out of the ground. I had no idea how she had come that close so quietly from digging in the ballroom, but I was immediately appreciative of the fact that I hadn’t had to learn the hard way how ponies take care of their number one issues.
“I can help!” she yelled triumphantly as I gave a jump.
Twilight and I just stared at her. “How do you even know what we’re talking about?” Twilight asked.
“Oh, we Diamond Dogs can dig close enough to the surface to hear everything spoken,” she said, waving off the remark. “Now! If you want something to do with promise, but carries more weight to it, why not ‘Creed’”?
I thought about that one for a while. A creed was some sort of a mantra, like a holy swear to devote yourself to something, right? A smile spread over my face. I liked it!
“What do you think, Twilight?” I asked excitedly.
“Actually, it works pretty well,” Twilight said thoughtfully. “I think it fits!”
Who knew Deluge would be the one to give me my pony name!
There was much celebration on my part. Not only did my name have real meaning, it also gave me so many ideas! I could make Ezio remarks, I could sing songs, and I could quote scripture- all to screw with ponies.
It was perfect! I immediately forced Twilight and Deluge to promise to call me Creed from then on. Their promise excited me to no end. In fact, I was so happy that I offered to show them the wonders of my world through the magic of (trumpets sound) iPod movies!
“Of course you’ll have to allow for some censorship, but I’m sure you can at least give me that! Follow me!”
Paul took off for the ballroom, the two females following at a leisurely stroll. On his way past it, he scooped the book by Q up with his mouth to be dropped next to his other belongings. Paul still wanted to know what sort of connection the book and Q had to the human world.
Twilight whispered quietly enough to Deluge that she was sure Paul couldn’t hear. “I’ve never seen anypony with enough control over themselves magically that they could cut themselves off completely... and that was just his first experimentation! There’s something going on with that human that I don’t understand, and I don’t think he even suspects anything!”
“I don’t know about all that, but I trust him,” Deluge hissed back. “He saved my life, and now he’s helping Equestria without asking for anything in return. He may be silly and he may not know his own strength yet, or even what limits he possesses, but I don’t fear him.”
“I don’t fear him, I fear for him!” Twilight replied hotly. “He may just go getting himself killed trying to do something he would consider fun or helpful, and then we would be out of luck. Besides that though, there’s this Q character that isn’t too subtle in the way he’s pulling our strings. I think we need to just play along until we understand exactly what part we play in this chess game, pawn or queen.”
“Why not king?” Deluge asked sharply. “You’re a Princess, and he’s the first of his kind here, and he’s incredibly powerful!”
“Because I get the feeling that this Q is much more active than he lets on, and we’re all just here to protect him while he goes about his plans,” Twilight said gravely.
Paul stuck his head out of the hole in the ballroom wall with a lit device in his hoof. “Hurry up you two! Tomorrow, we start our adventure to save Ponyville, Equestria, and this universe in general. No biggie, but you still need your rest! But until then, I’ve got a certain Princess Buttercup I think you’d be very interested to meet little miss Twilight!”
Twilight and Deluge smiled as he jumped back inside excitedly.
“I think I could get used to unicorns,” Deluge mused delightedly.