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// Superiority 
// Story: This is the life: A tale of a human in Equestria 
// by TonicPlotter 
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        You were drooling. The sound of the trout you had been given as it fried in the pan was music to your ears. It had nearly been two months now of an all vegetarian diet, and you very sincerely missed meat. When you moved here you hadn’t even considered that eating meat would be taboo amongst ponies. As a rather spirited conversation with a dairy cow while waiting in line at the bakery had taught you, ponies weren’t the only sapient animals here. In fact, even if you did end up going back home where cows were just animals, you’d never be able to eat beef again thanks to that conversation. Unfortunately, it still didn’t stop you from craving something that had been a staple of your diet your entire life and you had finally found a way to sate your pining for meat. Fish were apparently free targets here, and were something you planned on eating much more often once you figured out where in Equestria Big McIntosh’s little sister had found a fishing rod.
        It had been a few days since you had been given the trout. You knew that Octavia was going on tour that would last about a week, and you wanted to wait until she was gone before you fried it up. Now that the whole heat fiasco in town had died down, you and Octavia had actually been getting along quite well. Her reaction when she found the fish in the fridge had made it clear that she was repulsed by the idea of anyone eating meat or fish, so you decided to wait until she was gone before cooking it as a common courtesy to her. Now with no one to get in your way, you had put your all into this meal and it was going to be delicious. You had rolled it in flour and fried it up in butter, and seasoned and cooked it to absolute perfection. It looked and smelled perfect, and along with your favorite drink this promised to be the greatest meal you ever had.
        You dished it up and took it to your favorite spot on the couch; Octavia wasn’t here to enforce the ‘keep food in the kitchen’ rule, and what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. You took your first bite and… heaven. Fish had never tasted this good before. “Nothing is getting between me and this meal!!!” You proudly proclaimed as you wolfed it down.
        CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK
        You slowly lowered your fork and rolled your eyes. “Of course.” You said cynically. Thankfully, you had forgotten to pull the curtains this morning so it wouldn’t be hard to just pretend nobody was home. You wanted to finish your meal in peace.
        CLUNK-CLUNK-CLUNK CLUNK
        You weren’t expecting company and whoever was at the door was persistent; perhaps it was important. “Fine!” You yelled, “I’m coming already!” You opened the door to find Lyra’s pale-colored friend at the door. “Hey…” You said, trailing off when you couldn’t remember the name, “…you. Lyra’s friend.”
        This clearly annoyed her, and she raised an eyebrow. “Bon Bon.”
        “Right, Bon Bon.” You chuckled, “Looking for Lyra?”
        “Yeah. Do you know if she’s still teaching her class? She isn’t at home.”
        “As far as I know, she is.”
        “She hasn’t dragged you to it yet?”
        “She’s tried. I was too strong for her.”
        As it turned out, Lyra taught a weekend class about human culture and history. She had pestered you quite frequently over the past couple of weeks to glean information or to confirm her notes, which left you in a conundrum each and every time. She honestly didn’t have the slightest clue about what she was trying to teach, which tempted you every time to give her false information. Part of you would remind you she was your friend and it wasn’t right to trick her, while another part would remind you just how funny and easy it was to convince her that Sharknado actually happened and that you were an eye-witness. She even wanted you to give a speech about it in front of her class, which you had to fight tooth and nail to get out of. You knew you’d never be able to keep a straight face if you did, and that you’d end up making a complete fool of yourself.
        But it would almost be worth it…
        Bon Bon hemmed and hawed at your door for a moment as if she were trying to make her mind up about something. “Uh… do you mind if I wait here for her?”
        You shook your head. “Come on in. There’s no guarantee she’ll—”
        She hurriedly brushed past you and quickly headed into the living room.
        “—come by here.” You turned and followed, and by the time you made it to the living room she had already sat down on the other end of the couch, staring straight forward with an almost angry expression. You didn’t really know Bon Bon all that well; she was Lyra’s friend but you honestly knew nothing about her other than her and Lyra were very close. Bon Bon struck you as Lyra’s polar opposite: While Lyra was generally happy go lucky and cheerful, Bon Bon was something of a grump.
        But never this grumpy…
        She definitely seemed stressed out about something. You say back at the other end of the couch and continued eating your lunch as you tried to think of something to say.
        “Oh, gross! You’re eating meat?!”
        You flinched from her sudden criticism. “What? It’s not meat, it’s fish. There’s a difference.” You hammered the point home by taking a noisy bite and making yummy sounds as you chewed.
        “No there isn’t! They’re both animals and it’s gross!”
        “That’s a matter of opinion! Besides, you didn’t think I became a vegetarian by choice, did you?”
        “By choice, huh?” She said with a smirk. “So there are humans that don’t eat meat? Hah! There’s hope for you guys yet!”
        You are another large bite of your fish. “Quit talking like ponies are so perfect. I think it’s worth pointing out there has never been a human overlord who wanted to blot out the sun for no apparent reason!”
        “Don’t give me that!” She said grinning widely, “You guys had the nutcase with the little moustache who tried to take over the world!”
        “Oh, you just had to bring him up, didn’t you?! On the flip-side we had Isaac Newton, so cram it!”
        “Yeah? We had Starswirl the Bearded!”
        “Hah! Leonardo Da Vinci! Beat that!”
        “Anything he did, Acolyte Shimmer could have done better!”
        “Oh yeah?! Robin Hood!”
        “Daring Do would have trampled that skirt-wearing ring sour!”
        You grabbed your copy of Daring Do and the Indrian Fissure from the coffee table and tapped the ‘fiction’ label on the back cover. “Daring Do isn’t real!”
        “Neither was Robin Hood!”
        “Yeah he was! What do you know about human history?”
        She booped your nose. “I know there was no Sharknado, you lair!”
        You burst out laughing and almost spat your final mouthful of fish across the room in the process. You fought and struggled to swallow it amidst nearly hysterical laughter, with a thoroughly entertained Bon Bon watching the show. However, her amusement quickly vanished and she returned to the same sour expression she had when she came knocking.
        “Hey, are you okay?” You said, managing to swallow your laughter, “You seem really upset.”
        Bon Bon hurled her head back with a dramatic growl. “It’s just; I just had to get away from Sugarcube Corner for a while!!! Pinkie Pie is great and all, but living with her is more than I can stand!”
        “You’re living with Pinkie Pie? The one who threw the welcome party for me when I got here?”
        Still frowning, Bon Bon nodded slowly.
        “Geez, what crime against Princess Celestia did you commit to deserve that sentence?”
        She glared at you for a moment, until a wavering smirk grew across her face. “Living in a wooden house. It’s being fumigated.”
        “You don’t think you’d be better off with the poison? Or… I guess Pinkie Pie’s not like that all the time, is she? The way she was at the party, I mean?”
        Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “She is.”
        You exhaled in amazement. Pinkie Pie was definitely a high-octane pony that ran on sugar and happiness.  You couldn’t recall a single time you saw her walk instead of hop anywhere, and every time you had entered the bakery to buy junk food she would be all over the place and talking so fast you couldn’t even keep up. Still, as annoying as she could be, she definitely had a heart of gold. As much as you just wanted to sleep after the ridiculously long trip here, something which you didn’t get to do until hours later because Pinkie Pie decided you needed a surprise party attended by the whole town, you never once denied that it was an incredibly thoughtful and selfless act. She must have spent hours decorating and baking the food, and had obviously put her entire heart into a party for a perfect stranger just so he’d feel welcome.
        Still… how the hell did she know where I was living, or manage to invite the entire town on such short notice?
        You were downright amazed that a pony like Bon Bon would want to stay with Pinkie Pie. Lyra had a small place, but there was no reason you could see that she couldn’t have put Bon Bon up for a few nights.
        “By the way,” said Bon Bon, “I think it’s Rainbow Dash’s birthday in a week or so. Brace yourself for a party, you’ll be coming.”
        “Me? Why would she invite me? I don’t even know who Rainbow Dash is.”
        She grinned devilishly at you. “Because she thinks you don’t have enough friends and that you need to lighten up. Remember the welcome party? How you just stood there awkwardly while the rest of us had fun?”
        You shrugged. “That’s only because everyone stared weirdly at me the whole time.”
        “What did you expect?” She chuckled, “Most of us had never even seen a human before you came around.”
        “It made me feel like a specimen under a microscope. I’m kind of shy.”
        She crossed her forelegs and stared at you dismissively. “You’re shy? You hop in bed with Lyra, and you rub her tummy for two hours, and you expect me to believe that you’re shy?”
        You took a deliberately long, annoyed sip of your drink. “You want me to go get Pinkie Pie and tell her you need to be cheered up?”
        Bon Bon gasped with genuine shock. “You wouldn’t dare!!!”
        “You’re lucky you don’t have telephones. She’d be here already.”
        “What-o-fones?!”
        You smirked. “Machines that would let me talk to anyone in town.”
        She took a moment to think about that, and then pointed her hoof square between your eyes. “No, you’re lucky we don’t have tell-o-fones! She’d throw a party right here and now, and you’d get caught in the cross-fire!”
        “If it meant seeing you squirm, I’d be able to endure a Pinkie Party. At least I’d get some cake and laughs out of the ordeal. Hold on, I’ll go get her.”
        You tried to stand and she pinned your hand to the couch under her hoof. She puffed out her chest and tried to look threatening, but the effect was lost on you thanks to her two-tone hair and the image of candy on her flank. “You don’t have the guts!” She snorted, “I will rain death down on you if you try!”
        You were well aware that ponies were tough. Just yesterday you had arm-wrestled a blue pegasus over the last cheese sandwich at the café in town, and her rather swift victory had seriously cost you some respect as a man. Regardless, you simply couldn’t help but be amused by Bon Bon’s attempt to intimidate you. “Bring it on!” You teased, pulling your hand free and playfully making fisticuffs, “I think I could clobber a pony!”
        She realized you were just teasing her, and a huge grin came across her face. “Hah! I’d rack all over you, baldie! You couldn’t even keep up in the Hooves for Hope marathon!”
        “At least I ran!” You said with a huff, “I came in last but I still ran! I didn’t see YOU there, bridle-breath!”
        “‘Oh no!’” She said in a whining mockery of your voice, “‘This distance at a light gallop is too much for me! I can’t go that far at that speed because I only have two weak legs!’” She paused and thought for a moment, then wiggled her hind hooves, “‘And I need special running shoes, because of my soft human feet!’”
        You looked around, grasping for a comeback. You almost immediately found one in the horseshoe that hung on the wall behind the couch. You plucked it from its hook and held it against the bottom of your foot, then in an overly effeminate Bon Bon voice you said, “‘Where’s the hammer and nails?! I want to wear my good shoes today!’”
        “‘Uh oh! It’s time to face the great outdoors!’” She wrapped her front legs around herself and pretended to shiver, “‘I’d better bundle up! We humans are too delicate to go outside without a layer of clothes! Why, the sunlight might touch our bald skin!’”
        You ruffled your hair to mess it up. “‘My hair is a mess! Fetch my magic wand! Lord knows we ponies can’t do anything without magic! And I’d best enchant my lungs while I’m at it; I wouldn’t want to forget to breathe!’”
        Bon Bon threw her hooves to her cheeks and gasped melodramatically. “‘Could that be… MANUAL LABOR?! AAAGH!!! Get the manual labor machine! Hurry! We humans are too frail to do anything without machines!!! Oh I can’t bear to get a callous on my precious and delicate human hands!!!’”
        “Bit chewer!”
        “Meat chewer!”
        “At least humans don’t break out into song and dance at complete random for no reason!”
        “Yeah, but us ponies can break out into song and dance at complete random!”
        “Yeah, but I can reach the top of the fridge!”
        “And I don’t barf when I try and eat hay!”
        You gasped. “That never happened! Who told you that?!”
        Her lip quivered as she tried to keep from laughing. “And we can do this!!!” She crossed her hooves and put on an emotionless expression. She locked eyes with you and while otherwise staying completely motionless, her ears began flapping up and down like tiny little wings. 
        Your cheeks puffed out, muffling the laughter that you were literally straining to keep bottled up. Bon Bon’s deadpan expression along with the flapping ears was almost enough to destroy you, but you valiantly managed to keep quiet at first. Then her face scrunched up and a single, loan gag came from her which pushed both of you over the edge. She fell onto her back laughing uncontrollably while you clutched your sides straining to breathe as you convulsed with laughter.
        Bon Bon managed to roll back upright and leaned on your shoulder. “Victory… Equinity.” She said between laughs.
        “Oh yeah…?” You managed to say amid deep breaths and scattered chuckles. “We can do this. Are you watching?” You tauntingly raised your arm, wiggled your fingers, and then began scratching the high part of your back with an exaggerated motion. “Oh, OH yeah… Give in to the sweet release…” You said in a pleasurable tone.
        All the humor vanished from Bon Bon’s face and her ears fell flat. “I hate you…” She said in disbelief.
        “Oh, what’s that? My lower back’s itchy as well? Well let’s do something about that.” You slipped your other hand up the bottom of your shirt and massaged your spine. “Reliefs just a fingernail away, right? Oh it’s too bad you don’t have fingernails. Or fingers. It must be utterly terrible when you get a good itch and it’s just out of reach.”
        “Ugh, cut it out!!!” She said loudly with an uncomfortable shiver. “You really are making me itch!”
        “Victory: Humanity.” You said with a smug smile.
        “Oh, shut your trap and help me out, would you?”
        You stared in disbelief at the way she had aimed her shoulders at you. “You’re not honestly suggesting…”
        “Yeah, I am. Put those fingers to work.” She writhed a bit and her expression softened. “Please?”
        “That’s… not happening.”
        “Why not?! I’m not diseased! My pony-ness won’t infect your precious hands!”
        You scoffed. “That’s not the issue!”
        “Well, why not then?! You scratch Lyra’s back for her! Don’t deny it; I know you do!”
        “Why that little—that was supposed to be a secret!”
        Bon Bon strained to reach the itchy spot on her back with her hoof, but failed with an annoyed grunt. “Lyra’s… just being Lyra, you know. Honestly, I don’t know why you think it’s such a big deal. I mean, how do you think we deal with an itchy back? Heck, I used to scratch her back for her.”
        “Seriously?”
        She arched her back. “So you’ll do it?!”
        “No.”
        “C’mon! I’ll scratch your back!”
        “No.”
        “I’ll pull you around town in a sulky tomorrow!”
        “No.”
        “Please!!!” She pleaded, rolling her shoulders in very clear discomfort, “It’s driving me up the wall and I can’t reach it and the more I think about it the worse it gets! How can you be so cruel?!”
        You sighed heavily. You really didn’t want to do it, but you just couldn’t help feeling sorry for her. She was very clearly suffering, which reminded you what it was like to get an itch in an embarrassing spot in public. It was literal torture, and here was a creature that couldn’t do anything about it ever. You watched her try and rub her back against the couch, and couldn’t stand it anymore.
        I know I’m going to regret this.
        “Fine. But only if it’s our little secret. Got it?”
        Her ears perked straight up. “If it’ll get your fingers into my mane, I’ll agree to anything. I’ll take this secret to the grave and won’t tell anypony.”
        “You won’t tell anypony, or anyone, or anything. I will not be known as the town backscratcher.”
        Before you could reach over, she scrambled across the couch to your side and draped her front legs across your lap.
        “You. Are not. Serious.” You said in utter disbelief.
        She looked up at you with an innocent expression. “What? I thought this was how humans did it. Lyra has this book—”
        “Never mind.” You interrupted. You honestly didn’t want to know what kind of book that could be. “Let’s just get this over and done with. Where are you itchy?”
        She gestured at a high spot on her back and you slipped your fingers into her mane. You ran your fingers around until you found the spot she was talking about, along her spine just above her withers, and scratched slowly and gently. She suddenly sucked a breath of air between clenched teeth and you felt every muscle in her back tense. She arched her back into your hand and you, getting the message, dug your nails deeper into her soft coat and scratched harder.
        “Ahh-AHHHHHHHHHH…” She moaned pleasurably. “Little to the left—OH that’s the spot right there…” Her voice trailed off into an unintelligible babble of gentle, satisfied moans.
        You couldn’t help but be amused by the sight before you. “God, you guys are like frigging cats. You want me to scratch behind the ears next?”
        Still crooning softly, she looked up at you with a dopey, hopeful smirk.
        “That was sarcasm.”
        She didn’t answer. She slumped lifelessly down across your lap, cooing with bliss and gripped your leg with her hooves. You could feel her chest pressing against you with every heavy breath she took. Well aware that you weren’t going anywhere until she got off of you, you let your head roll backward and stared off at nothing at all. Your mind began to wander, and you found yourself suddenly aware of how much more muscular Bon Bon seemed than Lyra. Lyra had never tried to lay across your lap for a back scratch…
        Yet.
        …but she had reared up and hugged you countless times. She had told you once that earth ponies were a lot stronger physically than unicorns or pegasi, which you now easily believed after feeling just how heavier Bon Bon is than her. You wondered if pegasi were even lighter…
        …When a slow, steady patting sound caught your attention. You glanced over and couldn’t believe what you were seeing: Bon Bon’s hind leg was stuck straight out and gently tapping on the cushion of the couch. You gagged quietly, trying to keep from laughing out loud; Bon Bon obviously had no idea she was doing it and you didn’t want to spoil it. It was easily the funniest thing you had seen since you moved here. With a big grin on your face, you began moving around her back as you scratched, seeing if you could make her hoof move faster or slower. Sure enough, just like a dog she began to kick faster as you traced your fingers up through her mane. You hit a particularly sensitive spot and with a low moan she bit the wrist of your free arm gently, but still with enough force to send a flick of pain up your arm.
        “Um, ow!” You said in protest. “Why’d you do that?!”
        She looked up at you with her entire face red as a beat with embarrassment.
        “It’s… really that good?” 
        She shuddered happily when you started scratching once more. “Are you kidding?” She said as she grasped your free arm and cuddled it against her cheek, “It’s a lobotomy… I can’t even think straight…”
        “I know.” You said in a smug tone. “Your leg is kicking.”
        She glanced down at her hind leg and watched it pat on the couch for a moment. She seemed to make a conscious effort to stop, and then laid her head back down. “Shaddap and scratch.” She said unapologetically.
        Great. Now there’s two of them. Good job, me.
        “This is heaven right here: Just humans scratching ponies’ backs…” she said in a near slur, “You seriously could make money off of this… You could rule Equestria with this…”
        “OH. CELESTIA! NO!!!”
        The voice startled the two of you so badly that Bon Bon almost rolled onto the floor. In the doorway, hopping on the spot with giddy excitement was Lyra with an almost impossibly wide grin creeping across her face. “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen!!!” she giggled, “After every snide remark you’ve made to me about this, what do I catch you doing?! Getting a back scratch from ol’ Twinkletoes here, and on his lap no less!!!”
        “How did you get in here?!” You said, feeling your face turn red with embarrassment.
        “D’awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” she gushed in a mocking baby voice, “Is wittle Bon Bon getting a scwatchy-scwatch? Is he gonna bwush your mane and paint your hooves next?” She almost collapsed with laughter, steadying herself against the doorframe and wiping tears from her eyes. “Okay, okay, just stay right like that!” She said amid hysterical giggles, “I’ll go get my little pink manebrush! And my camera; WHERE’S MY CAMERA?!”
        Humiliation and anger turned Bon Bon’s face bright red. “Better get your will ready while you’re at it!!!” She hollered as she exploded off of your lap and tore across the room. Lyra squeaked and took off out the door, with Bon Bon in hot pursuit. You were left sitting on the couch in stunned silence, listening to the chase fade into the distance through the window. The last you heard of it was Bon Bon’s angry voice yelling “Get back here, Minty-Fresh!!!” and Lyra’s taunting laughter slipping away. 
        “Why me?” You said with a heavy sigh. You wondered for a moment if the little guy who helps run the library has to do this, then without even giving it another thought you leaned back in the couch and finished your drink in peace.