//------------------------------// // Episode 1: Get a Life, Twilight Sparkle // Story: My Little Parody // by Quadraginta //------------------------------// Let me tell you a tale. A tale about friendship. A tale about hardships. A tale about shipping. Once upon a time, there were two Alicorn sisters. They each controlled their own appointed heavenly bodies, raising them in the sky at their own appointed times. There is Princess Celestia, the elder sister, who raised the sun at day. Then, there is Princess Luna, the younger sister, who raised the moon at night. They lived in harmony for a long time, before something occured between them... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey. Hey, Luna." Celestia walks across the room to Luna, who has just raised the moon, which illuminates a beautiful night sky. "Yes, dear sister?" Luna replies when she is done. "Hey. Hey Luna. Do you like bananas?" Celestia asks. "Huh?" Luna was puzzled by such a question. "Well, yes, dear sister, but what does that have to do with anyth-" "SO!" Celestia said, interupting Luna. "You're a bitch that likes bananas, eh?" "What?!" Luna asked, puzzled by her older sister's language, and puzzled by the sudden topic. "Sister, are you quite alright? Have you been digging in the cider again?" "Do you know where there are lots of bananas for you to eat?" asked Princess Celestia, ignoring Luna's question. "Ah- What?" "ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then Princess Celestia banished Luna on the moon, sealing her indefinitely within. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is currently unknown as to what occured between the two sisters that caused Celestia to banish Luna. It is also unknown as to how Celestia mananged to banish her in the first place. There is much speculation about this. One source points to the usage of a large cannon that blasted her to the moon. Another source points to large amounts of Cider being used. One final source points to the usage of magical objects known as the Elements of Fanfiction. However Celestia banished Luna, all we know is that if she ever comes back, she will come back as the terrible, horrible, god awful, evil, unpleasant, vicious, vile, iniquitous, spiteful, repulsive, abominable, appalling, unkind, and unholy Nightmare Moon. Or Night Mare Moon, depending on how you look at it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Elements of Fanfiction, huh?" Twilight Sparkle muttered under her breath. She was sitting in the shade under a tree, as she was reading a large book about the banishment of Princess Luna. "I've heard of those before.....but from where...?" Twilight scratched her chin as she struggled to remember where she heard of these strange objects. She sat there like that, thinking for a while, before she made a decision. She decided to go back to the library to search for information about the Elements of Fanfiction. She got up, placed the book in her bag, and started trotting over to the library. Halfway through, though, she came across some ponies from her class. "Heya, Twilight!" said one of the ponies happily. Twilight's reaction to seeing these ponies was anything but happy. Her eyes went wide, her heartrate increased, and she let out a yell. An intense yell. A yell of fear. Of fear and misery. After this, she said, "MOTHER OF GOD! SOCIAL ACTIVITY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" and then she ran away as quickly as she could. Upon reaching the door to the library, where she lived by the way, she kicked the door open, ran in, and slammed the door shut again, before leaning back against it and hyperventilating. "Hey, Twi." called Spike, her s̶e̶x̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶ baby dragon from across the room. He walked over to Twilight and looked at Twilight closely, before chuckling to himself. "Accidentally encountered social activity again?" he asked. "Y-yeah..." Twilight stammered, attempting to calm her thundering heart. "Don't worry, Twi. You're safe now. I'll go make you some tea." Spike offered. "No, I'm good." said Twilight. "I think I'll go-" A knock on the door was heard. She stopped speaking as soon as she heard it. Her heartrate, which had just calmed considerably, raised again. "Twilight Sparkle?" called a voice from the other side of the door. "You dropped you book when you ran away from us. I just wanted to return it to you.” Twilight shook violently in the very spot that she stood. Her thundering heart rate which she had just calmed thundered again. She, very reluctantly, and very slowly opened the door. “Hi.” said the pony uncertainly when Twilight opened the door. She held out the book which Twilight dropped. “You dropped this.” “T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-thank you.....” Twilight managed to stammer. She raised her hoof to close the door, until the pony spoke again. “By the way, Twilight? I love your mane. It’s so pretty.” The pony smiled at her. At this moment, Twilight suffered from a major migrain, and a blood vessel burst in her nose. Blood spurted out from her nose, and splattered across the pony’s face. Her smile was, at once, wiped clean. Twilight then slammed the door shut, and started hyperventilating again. Her heart rate was calmed significantly faster than before however, and she immediately got to work, and searched through every book she could to find out what exactly the Elements of Fanfiction were. "Spike!" said Twilight as she climbed the ladder to the top of the bookcase. "Find anything about the Elements of Fanfiction yet?" "Nope." said Spike as he read through books and tossed them aside. Twilight dug out a book and quickly skimmed through it, before tossing it aside. She skimmed through another book, before tossing it aside. She did this with about 3000 more books, before she gave up and jumped down from the ladder. She landed on Spike, who died on the spot. "Uh....whoops....sorry, Spike," she said. She walked across the piles of books to her closet full of Phoenix Downs. She took out one Phoenix Down, walked back to Spike, and tossed it onto his dead body. His body started to glow dimly, then more brightly, before a pillar of light erupted from it, before disappearing just as quickly as it appeared. There stood Spike, who was alive again. "Dammit, Twilight." said Spike irritably as he glared at Twilight, who smiled sheepishly back at him. Spike saw the sheepish smile and couldn't help but smile himself. "Anyways...." he said, "I found a book on the Elements of Fanfiction." He set down a book on the floor, which Twilight opened and read out loud. "The Elements of Fanfiction. Magical objects rumoured to have been used against the Mare in the Moon." Twilight read out loud. "Mare in the Moon? Come on, Twilight, quit reading all these kiddy stories." Spike facepalmed himself. "Spike, please take out some quill and parchment and write a letter to the Princess for me, please," said Twilight, who didn't even hear what Spike said. "twlght, pls. It's just a kid's tale," Spike said, louder this time. "Dear Princess Celestia," began Twilight, who still didn't hear what Spike said. "Oh for fuck's sake...." Spike relented and took out a quill and some parchment and began writing the letter to Princess Celestia. "My studies have pointed me in the general direction of discovering that we are on the brink of disaster. First of all, the table in the center of the library is made of mahogany. Second of all, I'm running out of Phoenix Downs, and Spike keeps dying-" "Which is your fault...." Spike muttered between gritted teeth. "-but I can substitute the Phoenix Downs with either Revives or Ygddrasil Leaves, so either way, I'm fine, and what I just forced Spike to write to you was completely pointless-" "Fucking A, Twilight...." Spike muttered as he continued writing. "-and that brings me to what I really have to tell you. I just read from a book that I found in the fillie's section that we're about to encounter a disaster. Night Mare Moon will return on the thousandth year of teh Summer Sun Celebration, which is tomorrow! I'm sending you this letter to alert you of the news, but I'm sure you knew in the first place, so either way, this entire letter is pointless, and I'm wasting Spike's time-" "Ugh." "-That is all. Sincerely yours, Twilight Sparkle," Twilight finished. "Got all that, Spike?" Spike then gave Twilight the middle claw from behind her back. "....I'll take your lack of an audible answer as a yes. Ok, Spike. Go ahead and send it," Twilight said. Spike sighed. He rolled up the parchment and tied it shut with some green ribbon. He then took his pants off and bent over, right before he inserted the letter within himself. Green flames spurted from the entry point, and then disappeared, with nothing but smoke now fuming from it. He then stood back up and pulled his pants back on. "And now we wait," said Twilight. Two minutes later..... A low gurgling sound came from Spike's belly. He took his pants off and bent over. A parchment tied with a green ribbon shot out from the entry point and bounced off the wall. It shot back and impaled Spike in the middle of his forehead. He promptly died again. Twilight walked over to Spike, retrieved the letter, tossed another Phoenix Down on Spike, and then opened the letter and read it. "My faithful student," the letter began, "please do fuck off and stop sending me letters all the god damn time. I'm ridiculously busy as it is, and I don't want to hear you talking about Mares in the Moon all the god damn motherfucking time. Do you want me to banish you to the moon next? No? then stop fucking sending me letters. And you know what? As punishment for annoying me so much, I'm making you check up on the Summer Sun Celebration. But since I kind of like you, I'll let you stay in the library in that shitty town, so you can't complain too much. Anyways, get going. Sincerely yours, Celestia. P.S. Get a life." Twilight stood there with her mouth agape, her left eye twitching. "G-get...a....LIFE?!" she stammered out loud. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Twilight and Spike caught the next flying chariot to Ponyville as soon as Twilight was told to get a life. "Ok, Twilight," Twilight said to herself. "Got to calm down. Got to calm down. It's just ponies. Must calm down. Must calm- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Twilight, please shut up." said Spike. "Besides, we came up with a plan, remember? You go to Ponyville and pretend to get a life, and then Celestia will leave you alone so you can be a total tool, I mean hardworking student again. Got it? Besides, how hard could it be to talk to other ponies?" Spike smiled reassuringly at Twilight. Twilight let out a breath which she was holding. "Yeah, I guess you're right, Spike," she said. She began to feel more reassured. "You ARE right, Spike. It's just ponies. How hard could it possibly be?" 5 minutes later, they landed. "Thanks, guys." Twilight said to the two Pegasi that carried the chariot. "No problem," they replied before they took off. Twilight then turned around and faced the entrance to Ponyville. "Ok..." she said to Spike, "Let's go talk to some ponies." She walked up to a random pink Earth pony with big, poofy pink hair and said, "Hi." The pink pony gasped very loudly and then took off running. "Oooookaaayy....." Spike said softly. He took Twilight by the hoof and half-dragged, half-led her to a nearby farm. "Why don't we try to help you get a life there?" They stepped into the farm and were immediately greeted by an orange Earth pony, who shook her hoof vigorously. "Sup, sup sup sup, sup!" said the orange mare loudly and happily, "I'm Applejack, and I'm a lesbian. It's so nice to meet you! Want to join me for lunch?" Twilight did a double take when she heard 'lesbian.' "Uh...." she stammered, "No...thank...you...?" She began hyperventilating again as she gazed into Applejack's piercing eyes. "Oh, please?" Applejack almost seemed to beg as she fluttered her eyelids and smiled sweetly at Twilight. "Just a quick spot of lunch, and some....'farmwork'....and we're done!" Twilight screamed at the top of her lungs, turned around, tramped over Spike, who died on the spot, and then took off running without looking back. She didn't know how long she kept on running, but she felt the wind knocked out of her when a flash of cyan flickered across her line of sight, and she found herself face-first in a pile of conveniently-place cow manure. She didn't know what happened, until she heard a chuckle coming from the weight that was lying on top of her. The weight hopped off of her. Twilight got up out of the cow manure to see a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane standing before her. "Sorry about that," said the Pegasus, "Let me fix that for you." She took off into the sky and came back with a peculiar-looking cloud. She placed the cloud over Twilight and started bouncing on it. A strange-smelling yellow liquid poured out of it, which cleaned Twilight of the cow manure, but something about it was really strange to Twilight. She wondered what it was, until a sudden thought occured to her. "Piss!" Twilight yelled. "YOU'RE GIVING ME A DAMN GOLDEN SHOWER?!" "Uh....whoops!" said the pegasus as she kicked the cloud away, "Sorry about that...Don't worry, I can fix that!" The pegasus flew around Twilight as quickly as she could, creating a small tornado around her. She then kicked the tornado away and examined her handy work. Twilight's mane was coated with feces, and she reaked of urine. The sight of it got to the pegasus, and she broke down laughing. Twilight would have hyperventilated at this point, but instead, she was fuming. "Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I really am!" the pegasus said after she stopped laughing.....but she began laughing again. "Ok...." Twilight said, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm here because I was told to get a life." "Ok, ok, that's cool," said the pegasus as she wiped her eyes of tears. She suddenly grew serious. "I'm Rainbow Dash. I like everypony, but whatever you do, do NOT ship me with anyone. Seriously. Not cool." "Don't ship you, eh?" Twilight grinned devilishly. "Yeah, don't-" Rainbow Dash was about to say, right before she saw the devilish grin on Twilight's face. "Don't....you....dare...." "I ship you with Applejack." Twilight's face had a huge grin on it, which promptly disappeared when she what quickly unfolded in front of her. Rainbow Dash's face twisted into a mask of pure rage and fury, he left eye twitched, before it grew red and bloodshot. And then, finally, she let out a roar of fury. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Rainbow Dash flew into the sky and kicked every cloud she could find, causing them to completely disappear from existence. She flew around extremely quickly, leaving behind a rainbow trail, coating the entire sky with rainbows. Twilight stood there, open-mouthed at what she had just caused. She could faintly register a hoof taking hold of her own and dragging her into a nearby building. The door slammed shut, and she was left standing in the dark with a total stranger. A light switch flickered on, and she was looking into the frightened face of a white pony, with a moderate indigo mane. "My gosh, darling, you didn't just ship Rainbow Dash, did you? Why would you do that? Have you any idea what you just did?!" she asked in a near-paniced voice. "I-i'm sorry," Twilight stuttered, "I was just told to get a life, and I came here and, and-" "Oh, I guess you shouldn't worry too much. Besides, the construction workers will clean up when this is done." "Clean up? Clean up what?" Twilight asked. Her question was answered with a very loud explosion from outside. It shook the very foundations of the building they were in. "I see," said Twilight. "Anyways," said the white pony, "I'm Rarity, and I will clean you up." She immediately shoved Twilight into a nearby shower and turned the water onto the hottest setting, which gave Twilight 9th degree burns. After a few moments, Rarity pulled her back out and got to work combing her mane. "By the way, darling," said Rarity, "Applejack dropped off the body of a baby dragon that she said she saw you trample over. The body is right there. She asked me to try to bring it back to life since I'm a unicorn, but for some reason, she never seems to understand the fact that I only deal with sewing dresses and clothing, and I don't know any actual spells. But since you're a unicorn, maybe you could do something about it." "Oh, don't worry," responded Twilight, "I'll just throw him a Phoenix Down, and he'll come right back to life." "A Phoenix what?" "A Phoenix Down." Twilight took out a Phoenix Down and hurled it across the room to Spike's body. He came back to life, and glared at Twilight, right before he saw Rarity, and had to hide his early-childhood erection. "Uh..." said Spike, "I'm going to use the bathroom real quick. I'll be out in five minutes." Five minutes later....Spike came out, looking extremely satisfied with himself. And just in time Rarity had finished combing Twilight's hair. "There," said Rarity with satisfaction, "Now to spend the next five hours playing dress up with you." Twilight then grabbed Spike and ran out and disappeared into the forest. "W-....was it something I said?" Rarity called out after Twilight. Twilight ran partway into the forest. She ran, without looking back, until she suddenly came upon a lone, yellow pegasus with a pink mane. "Hey, you!" Twilight called out to her. "You are now my last attempt to get a life. Please don't scare me shitless, or I will run away screaming." The pegasus looked at her. "AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight then ran out of the forest, towards a huge tree in the middle of Ponyville. She tackled the door open, ran in, and slammed the door shut behind her, leaning against it and hyperventilating. She then let out a breath. "Nobody will bother us in here, Spike," said Twilight, "Nobody..." Suddenly the lights flickered on, and she realized that she was surrounded by a huge crowd of ponies. The pink pony she met when she first arrived in Ponyville stood in front of her with a huge grin on her face. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and party this throw I for you just!" Twilight looked at her with a gaping mouth and her eyes frowned in confusion. "Oh, god dammit, I rehearsed that line twenty times by now, and I still got it wrong!" Twilight screamed and then ran up the stairs and into her room, where she slammed the door shut and leaned against it, hyperventilating, like she did with every door she's went through so far. She then ran up the stairs and hopped into the bed and pulled the sheets over her and clamped the pillow over her head, and then passed out. Her eyes flickered open, and then they readjusted to the darkness. In her sleep, she had somehow shifted around enough that her head was actually resting on the pillow now. She looked into the darkness to see two white eyes with black dots in the middle of them. "Hiiii...." said a voice. Twilight woke up, for real this time, screaming at the top of her lungs. Upon waking up, she accidentally knocked Spike down the stairs, who was about to shake her awake, and he died. She looked the window to see that it was nighttime. She then looked back and threw a Phoenix Down at Spike, who immediately explained to Twilight what was going on. "Come on, Twi," he said, "We gotta go to Town Hall to see Princess Celestia raise the sun!" Twilight nearly facehoofed herself. She had completely forgotten about the Summer Sun Celebration. But what got to her more than that was that fact that she was going to have to deal with social activity. She still had to get a life. She began crying as Spike held her hoof and led her to Town Hall. All the ponies in Ponyville stood in Town Hall, waiting for the Princess to appear before them and raise the sun. "Are you EXCITED?!" asked Pinkie Pie. "I'M SO EXCITED! THE PRINCESS! She's sooooo hot!" Pinkie Pie's excess enthusiasm scared Twilight. She kept herself from hyperventilating, however, and she tried to just enjoy the occasion. After all, she just had to stay here, watch the sun be raised, and then she could go back to Canterlot and read all she wanted, and then- "THE PRINCESS IS MISSING!" "Fuck my life," said Twilight. Suddenly Night Mare Moon appeared before them. She laughed viciously and horribly, causing everypony to cower in fear. "Hello, everpony," she said, "do you like bananas?" "Y-yes," said all the ponies in Town Hall. "So, you're all bitches that like bananas, huh?" She asked maliciously. "Y-yes...." everypony said reluctantly. "Well, do you know where you can get lots of bananas?" Everypony shook their head. "ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly, cannons appeared from underneath everypony's hooves. They all fell into their respective cannons and got shot into the sky. Night Mare Moon disappeared laughing her ass off. "I suppose since I'm the main protagonist, I'm going to have to do something about this, aren't I?" Twilight asked Spike. "Yup." "Fuck. My. Life." TO BE CONTINUED