“Welp, Rainbowdash doesn’t love me anymore, so it’s time to kill myself!” Pinkie Pie declared, looking around her room, “Now, let me see just how to do it...”
The pretty pink pony gave her things a cursory glance, but one thing immediately popped out: Rope! “That’s it!” she said triumphantly, “I’ll just hang myself! That’ll kill me good and dead!”
She picked up the rope and looked about, deciding to hang it over a rafter. She made sure to give herself a good long bit of length, as she’d heard that that makes your neck more likely to break, and she wanted it to be quick and clean. She’d already secured the ends of the rope around her neck and the rafter when she realized that she’d forgotten a KEY COMPONENT: The suicide note!
“Oopsies!” she said, bouncing down from the chair as if playing some fun game, even if the game was “Kill Yourself”. She trotted joyfully over to the desk and picked up a pen and paper, writing a concise note.
Dear Everypony,
Rainbow Dash doesn’t love me anymore, so I’m killing myself. Please take care of Gummy while I’m gone. Bye everyone!
Signed,
Pinkie Pie! <3 <3 <3 OXOXOXOXOXOXO
She made sure to get every last ‘O’ and ‘X’ out onto the paper, seeing as they would be the last she’d ever write. She giggled a bit at the cliche nature of the thought. She stopped herself though, “Keep focus Pinkie! Now that that’s done, it’s time for a hangin’!” She jumped up on the chair again, ready to kill herself. She was now playing both inmate AND executioner, and she began to give herself the rundown: “Pinkamina Diane Pie,” she said in a deep tone, “You are hereby sentenced to death by hanging. Prepare to meet your maker!” And with that she closed her eyes, and with the buck of one foot, kicked the chair out from underneath her. She dropped...
...And found her hooves planting firmly on the wooden floor of her bedroom. She blinked, looking up at the rope. “Oh no!” she said, “I got my physics all wrong! I may want to be hung with alot of slack, but I don’t have the room for it in here!” she sighed, glancing around again before an idea hit her, “I know! The main room of sugarcube-corner has much higher cielings!” With that, she packed up the rope, and heading out the door of her bedroom.
Pinkie Pie skipped down the stairs from her bedroom, into the main room of Sugarcube Corner. She looked around the place, nodding with satisfaction, “Yep! This room has much higher ceilings! This is sure to snap my neck real good!”
With that, she threw the rope over a cieling rafter and carefully measured the length, making sure that her hooves would be well off the floor, even with the stretching her body would go through as she was suspended from a rope. She tied the other end firmly to the railing of the stairs, giving it a confident nod before making her way up the stairs, the still-tied noose of the rope in her mouth. Satisfied with the height, she once again draped the noose around her neck, making sure it was good and secure, and climbed up onto the railing. She looked down at the floor a good ways below her and sighed, her hair straightening a bit: this was it.
This was how she was going to die.
She closed her eyes, thinking of all the things that would be lost between her and this world. Her parties, the laughter she’d spread through them... Who would make the cupcakes? Her mind flipped through memories of good times with her friends... oh, how those would be missed by all... And Rainbow Dash... She missed her already... but without her, the world would be so cold and dark, just like it had been on the rock farm: no smiling, only rocks. Pinkie knew she had to do this, it was the only way: best to go out while there’s still life in you than to die of slow suffering, right?
And soon the Cakes would find her there, hanging limply from their ceiling, and they’d say “Oh that Pinkie Pie, looks like she finally did herself in. Oh well!” and they’d move on. Same with her friends: there’d be a funeral with flowers and things, a very somber party to mourn her passing and remember her, but they too would move on. Of course, the Cakes might even just leave her hanging there, unable and unwilling to take her body down, and she’d just hang there as their latest decoration.
She thought about that: it was probably true.
They’d just leave her hanging up there like some sort of newfangled decoration, and when customer-ponies would ask they’d say “Oh, that’s Pinkie Pie, our old assistant. One day she got it in her head to kill herself and SNAP! That was the end of her!” Yep, that was probably how it would go. She raised a hoof, preparing to take that final leap of fate: the step which would send her plummeting to a swift death, her life ending with the SNAP! of her neck breaking from the powerful jolt of the rope...
“PINKAMINA DIANE PIE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”
Pinkie Pie was jolted out of her meditative coolness by a rather annoyed scream from Mrs Cake. “Oh hi there Misses Cake!” she trilled with a smile, “Rainbow Dash left me, so I’m gonna kill myself!”
“Not in MY serving-area you aren’t! That sort of thing’s bad for business!”
“But Misses Cake,” Pinkie cried from her perch, “I need alot of room to get the rope to snap my neck, and the ceiling in my room just isn’t high enough!”
“I don’t give a damn! I’m trying to serve pastries in here, and I can’t have your dead body hanging around in here! Just think of what it’ll be like in a few weeks: rotting up there and smelling up all the area. We serve food here, and that’s just unsanitary! Take your immature-angst somewhere else you silly pony!”
“Oh all right...” Pinkie moped, defeated. She slid down from her perch, and back onto the steps, removing the noose from her neck as she descended. She’d have to find some other way to kick this bucket...
Stepping outside into the warm sunny afternoon, she was only reminded of just how cold her life would be without her Dashie’s sweet sweet lovin’ to warm it up. She just HAD to kill herself: she couldn’t go through the rest of her life feeling that cold! Oh, but what could she do...? She needed advice, and she knew just the pony to turn to...