My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S2E10: Secret of My Excess

The Agenda:
1. Reconstruction. [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“Urgh!” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon turned up his snout in disgust. "Somepony get rid of that unsightly mess," he ordered, gesturing at the group of ramshackle lean-tos. "We can't have them here."

"Mr. Ribbon." Mayor Mare uneasily glanced up from her bleak directive. “Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?"

The gray bureaucrat shrugged. "The law is the law. No loiterers in the Park."

"But clearly we need to make room for mitigating circumstances, Mr. Ribbon." The tan pony regarded the smoldering pile of ash and rubble that was Ponyville. "The ponies have nowhere else to go!"

"Every circumstance can be a mitigating circumstance, Ma'am," the stallion replied uncompromisingly, nodding his head in satisfaction as a few mangy ponies were dragged kicking and screaming from their hovels. "Today, we let people pitch tents in Ponyville Park. Next thing you know, they'll be setting down foundations on the lawn!"

“That’s- ” The bespectacled mare didn't really want to be dragged into this discussion. "In any case, let’s discuss rebuilding.”

The bureaucrat’s ears pricked up as a few bulldozers smashed up the remnants of the refugee camp. “Let’s.”

“Now I've asked Ms. Sparkle and she's more than happy to use her magic to- "

Those ears flopped back down again. “You can’t do that.”

The politician sighed angrily. "I still don't see why we can't just use magic to rebuild the town in, like, a day."

"I've told you," the gray stallion explained impatiently. "Firstly, we wouldn’t be able to properly inspect any building rebuilt by Ms. Sparkle. We simply don’t have the tools and processes to test the integrity of her powerful rebuilding spells."

The gray-maned mare rolled her eyes. “Ms. Sparkle is pretty far from being magically inept.”

"You know these rules exist to protect Ponyville’s citizens, Ma’am. Besides, should Ms. Sparkle decide to jinx a building, we’d never know about it."

Mayor Mare was unconvinced. "Surely you can understand that these are mitigating circumstances- "

"And secondly," the bureaucrat pushed on. "Politically, we'd run into so much trouble with the Builder's Union. Unicorns accomplishing in a day what earth ponies need two months for? They'd be out of business before lunch."

"Just this once, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare tried to reassure her subordinate. "Just this once."

"They won’t want to set a precedent, Ma'am."

The politician frowned. "But this is rebuilding Ponyville we're talking about here. Surely the Union is willing to concede something- "

Crimson Ribbon responded only with a sly chuckle. “Money speaks, Ma’am. All this destruction is a veritable bonanza for them.”

As a way of boosting morale - well, to the extent that listening to hacks wrangling over inconsequential details for three hours boosts morale - the Legislative Council decided to hold an open-air discussion. Through this, Ponyvillians would undoubtedly realize how hard the government was working in their interests.

Finance Secretary Bit Coin was giving a brief run-down of the situation. "As you can see, fillies and gentlecolts," she stated as she whipped out more tables and graphs from her saddlebags, "donations are pouring in from every corner of Equestria. I expect that with this influx of money, as well as from the Emergency Relief Fund, we'll be able to meet all reconstruction needs."

Polite applause from the audience, evidently relieved by the good news.

"Of course," the chestnut pony reminded as she shut her ledger, "it is up to the Special United-Taskforce to decide on the best way to use this windfall - I mean, donation."

"Indeed," Chairman of the Committee Filly Buster nodded. He turned solemnly to Mayor Mare, keeping up appearances in front of the public. "Now let's hear what Town Hall has to say about this."

"Well," the tan pony cleared her throat. "We already have a contingency plan for these sorts of things, Mr. Buster. I propose following said Plan: first, securing all potential hazards such as gas, water and electric pipes; second, infrastructure repair; and finally, housing reconstruction and resettlement."

The bespectacled mare sat back down, perceiving from the lack of questions that the government's emergency plan was going to be accepted by-

"Wait a minute, Mayor." Filly Buster rose his hoof. "What about the Legislative Council?"

Mayor Mare frowned. “What about the Legislative Council.”

The white stallion wasn’t sure if the tan pony was trying to slip him up. “You know, us.”

It took a moment before the gray-maned mare could make sense of the enquiry. "Ah," she answered. "To be honest, LegCo’s on a pretty low priority in the grand scheme of things... "

"What?!" the white stallion screamed incredulously. "But how would we be able to carry out your reconstruction plan if this is the case?"

The tan pony raised an eyebrow. "Government, as we can clearly see here, is working just fine, Mr. Buster."

"No it isn't!" the silver-maned stallion insisted. "We need a rebuilt Legislative Council building before we can start executing such a complicated plan!"

But... but this is political suicide! "Mr. Buster- "

The stallion ignored her. "And we need our Councilors to be in top form for the business of reconstruction: we need to have our houses rebuilt first!"

Gasps and murmurings within the ranks of the Legislative Council.

Mayor Mare pinched herself to ensure that she wasn't dreaming. "But what about- "

"Now of course we need our Mayor to be in top form as well," Committee member Lyra Heartstrings quickly interjected. “So I think Town Hall and the Mayor's House should also be given the highest priority."

Any further objections coming from the Mayor were suddenly muted, leaving her open-mouthed like a fish out of water. "Oh." she finally managed to utter. "Right. I get what you mean. I guess I’ll be updating the plans then… "

An eerie calm fell over Market Square as all the major questions were fast being settled between the political elite-

"HEY!" A sudden accusation from the public stand. "What are you ponies doing?!"

Of course... it's an open-air meeting! "Umm... well... " Mayor Mare, unfortunate enough to be the latest speaker, was fast wilting before the glare of a suddenly-hostile audience.

Lyra Heartstrings rode to the rescue with the only method she could perceive. "Actually!" she announced as she jumped into the fray. "We also need to discuss how we should punish the terrible dragon who wrought this destruction on Ponyville!"

"Wha- ?" The mood of the crowd swung abruptly for the second time. Yes, they were still angry, and yes, they were still out for blood. But their victim had now changed.

"Ponyvillians!" the lime-green pony announced. "Your government is hard at work finding out the foul purple dragon who perpetrated this dastardly act! But rest assured, Ponyvillians- "

The cheering had already begun before the orator had finished her speech. “Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville!”

" -Ponyvillians! We will bring that purple dragon back here and make him face justice!" Lyra roared.

Hoof stomping and raucous cheers. "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

"We'll put a hoof straight up his flank - it's the Ponyville way!" the unicorn shook her hoof in bloodthirsty vengeance.

"Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville!" The crowd was unsatiable.

"I can't believe you!" Cheerilee stormed at Mayor Mare. "How can you justify doing this!"

"LegCo let us use the funds like so," the tan pony responded nonchalantly, mind clearly focused on other things. "You know, I'm sure they won't mind rebuilding our house with a better dining room- "

"Stop. It. Now!" the cerise pony commanded in vain. "Those donations aren't supposed to be used like this! You can't- "

"The Express hasn't said anything about it," the Mayor tapped a nearby wall. "Hmm. Maybe we can put a glass door here… "

"The Express hasn't been published since the dragon attacked!" The schoolteacher stomped her hooves in indignation. "And what's the chances of Filthy not being part of your little plan!"

The gray-maned mare sighed. "It's not my plan. Everypony agreed to it. Now, I think some new balustrades are in order- "

"Stop it!" Cheerilee wasn't getting sidetracked that easily. "You stop this, right now!"

"And a basement would be nice, I guess," Mayor Mare mused. "Look, Cheerie; I'm sure we can get something in for the Ponyville Schoolhouse while we're at it."

"You can't- what?" the cerise pony's mind adapted to the changed circumstances. "Ponyville Schoolhouse? But we didn’t suffer any damage!"

"I know that," the Mayor responded. "But, you know, the kids will need something to do while we're rebuilding Ponyville Park.”

The schoolteacher's super-ego was starting to falter. "But the money isn’t supposed to be- "

"You know, a new ant farm or something," the bespectacled mare remarked off-handedly, tearing off a section of musty wallpaper. "Maybe a new lab. Maybe even a- "

" -new playground?” The dam of conscience finally broke.

Mayor Mare turned towards her daughter, a great big smile emblazoned on her face. "Yes, Cheerie. A new playground too."

"Uh, well." Cheerilee pretended to consider her options. "I mean, this is obviously for the good of the kids... "

"How altruistic."

"And it can't cost that much in the grand scheme of things... "

"It won't."

“And it is important… ”

“Exactly.”

The schoolteacher was set. "Urgh, fine, redecorate the house," she surrendered, wincing slightly at her hypocritical disgust. “It’s been overdue, anyway.”

Mayor Mare savored this rare victory. "Thanks, Cheerie."

"Remember to replace the stove. I can give you the newest catalogues."

The expression on Bit Coin's face was growing more and more concerned. "Six hundred new books in Ponyville Library... a new plough for Sweet Apple Acres... " The chestnut pony put down Councilor Twilight Sparkle's request worriedly. "At this rate, Ma’am, we're definitely going to run out of money."

“You said we had enough for all our reconstruction needs,” Mayor Mare chided.

“I didn’t think the LegCo Chambers needed a new Baroque façade, Ma’am.”

"Well it’s important,” the tan pony asserted. “Delay housing reconstruction to make up for it.”

"Um... Ma’am?" the Finance Secretary reminded her. "Ponies are going to complain- "

" -which will be nothing compared with the complaining that you'll get from us," Lyra Heartstrings hastily interrupted. "You are going to approve our stuff, Mayor."

The tan pony put her head in her hooves for some thinking time. "Well, we can get the best of both worlds if we delay rebuilding Town Hall instead- "

"No way, Ma'am," Bit Coin interrupted with some determination. "We need this building done up pronto. Morale purposes."

The bespectacled mare addressed the two mares opposite her. "But I have to approve all of these requests," she gestured to a thick folder on her desk. "We can’t govern effectively otherwise."

"So we need more money." Bit Coin went straight for the jugular.

"Yes," Mayor Mare nodded. "We need more money."

A moment's pause as the three mares considered their options.

"Another appeal from the Emergency Relief Fund?" Lyra began hopefully.

"You try wringing more money from those Canterlot bureaucrats," the Finance Secretary responded with some bitterness.

"Ask for more donations?" the Mayor concluded glumly. "But we can't possibly ask again so soon… "

"Ah-ha!" the lime-green pony's exclamation of joy underlined her sudden enlightenment. "Tell me, both of you: do you have a water pipe anywhere nearby?"

Bit Coin's furrows deepened. "Uh, yeah," her hoof pointed to an exposed tube within the wrecked room. "Bit fragile, though... "

Without a second's delay and before anypony could stop her, Lyra galloped up to the rusty old pipe.

Mayor Mare immediately stood up in horror. "Councilor Heartstrings, what in Cel- "

Lyra gave the pipe a quick buck. The corroded iron immediately gave way. Icy water spewed out through the newly-created puncture.

Bit Coin's eyes widened. "Lyra, what the hay!"

The lime green pony's eyes widened at the sight, swooning uncontrollably with emotion. "Oh, we're doomed, we're doomed!" she cried, water quickly drenching her miserable body. "Ponyville's going to run out of water in a few hours!"

The Mayor and her subordinated blanked out but for a few seconds, before the gravity of the situation hit them as well.

"Oh, we're doomed!" Mayor Mare hyperventilated. "Our water supply is leaking uncontrollably! What will the ponies drink, oh, what will we drink?!"

"Oh, we're doomed!" Bit Coin wailed in existential agony. "Ponyville's getting flooded with water! We're all going to drown- "

"We can't both be running out of water and drowning," the Mayor corrected her irritably.

Bit Coin opened an eye to glare at her superior. "With all due respect, Ma’am, we can."

"No we can't- "

"Oh!" Lyra Heartstrings' tragic voice overrode their budding argument. "I don't want to die, I don't want to die! Please, citizens of Equestria, save us!"

"Oh please, save us from our terrible fate!" her two co-actors quickly got back into the act.

Shrieks and howls reverberated through the wrecked building.