//------------------------------// // It all makes sense! kinda. // Story: Why was I so lucky? // by Artyom the Brony //------------------------------// I ran up to a tree and used my mad climbing skills to get high up into it. I stayed up there for a while until I laid my eyes upon an apple. My stomach growled, letting me know how long it was since I had last eaten. Sure I was a soldier, but that didn’t mean I never had to eat anything. I smiled and took off my gask mask. I picked the fruit and took a bite. Oh sweet Cel… what the hell is happening to me? Oh sweet black baby Jesus that’s good. With a few more crunches the fruit was entirely gone. I was pretty hardcore. (bun dun tss!) I picked and ate probably five or six more apples before I was full. I leaned back in the tree and smiled. For the first time in a while I didn’t have to worry about being molested or whatever. It was nice, boring, like my job. I began to think about my job, and what they thought happened to me. I suppose if they somehow salvaged the previous coordinates and did some fancy science stuff they could find me. Nah, I’m just some random solider who died doing his duty. Wonder if they gave me a medal of honor? Giving my life so I could shut down the portal. That would be awesome. Wonder if my family showed up? It’d be depressing I fhtye didn’t. I sighed, I missed them sure, and they probably thought I was dead, but they broke me once I joined up. You break off all contact with your family unless you have a legal wife or fiancé. Even then though it’s once a month. Oh so very happy if they come back, too distant for them to grieve to much if they don’t. Sad, but effective system. Wait… I heard voices. Where did the go? I looked down and saw nothing. Looking around and still nothing. No pegasi in the sky, no ponies… anywhere. It was kinda creepy. Like wandering through a ghost town. Except I was sitting on my lazy butt in an apple tree. I sighed, should probably do something about this whole mess I’m in. I could probably build my own teleport- HAHAHAH no, no that’s not happening. I could live in a forest for the rest of my life. Be an old hermit that gives kids nightmares. NOPE! Flaw one, what if kids are affected as well. Then I’ll feel bad if I hurt them, worse if I… do them. “Etrius! Etrius are you here!” Twilight called, YES! I jumped down from the tree, landing like an idiot and twisting my ankle. Why Odin why, why do you hate me so? You’ve been all bipolar recently. Is this a game to you! Is it! WELL? “Oh there you are! I was worried that you might not be here, or something went wrong with my magic,” I looked over to Twilight and smiled. “Hey there. So yeah, I just hurt myself… and I think it’s going to be a serious problem,” “What? What did you break something?” she asked in a concerned tone “Oh no. Just twisted my ankle. Not life threatening… just virginity jeopardizing,” “I see. I’m sorry I don’t know any healing magic,” “But… but what about up at the castle?” I asked “Oh, the Princes had cast an exhaustion spell on you. I simply removed it. Even if I did know healing magic, I can’t be sure they would be compatible with your anatomy,” “Oh… well I suppose that makes sense. But I can’t help but feel a little angry at myself,” “I’ll help you out. Don’t worry. It’s my fault for being so reckless with the experimentation anyways. And writing to the princess,” “Stop right there. I don’t want to get mad at my only friend here,” “Oh, alright. But I did get to finish up with my research!” “Really? Well what’s up with, most of these ponies?” “Something in your lungs, mixes with our natural air and produces something similar to mating pheromones. The only difference is yours are far more... potent, I guess would be the right word,” “So by breathing… simply breathing! I’m putting myself at risk of rape?” “Well…yes,” she said timidly I sighed and put my face into my hands. “Don’t feel bad Twilight. It’s not your fault. Just… why the hell was I so lucky as to survive that accident,” “What accident? Oh, right,” “Yeah,” I said “So tell me about your world,” she said enthusiastically “Hmm? Oh, okay Twilight, I promise you with all my heart. That if you can help me solve my current problem, I will answer every single one of your questions to the best of my abilities,” “Of course, sorry. It’s just UGH I want to know so much!” “Heh, alright. So how do these pheromones work?” “Well, for a normal pony, when a mare goes into heat, she will release a scent letting stallions know. Normally, this is just distracting, or makes it hard to think for a bit. But with you, it seems to trigger the most basic of pony instincts. It’s impossible to ignore you, and no matter your species or physical appearance they will want you,” “So why is it selective?” “Mares and stallions with either an abnormally large sex life, or a large amount of magic in their system tend to be able to ignore it,” “Interesting… I think… I really just want there to be some simple on off switch to this, but all things worth while in life are hard to get… I think… I was never good with philosophy,” “It wasn’t that bad,” Twilight said “How ‘bout this. When in danger of being molested by a pony princess, scream out Twilight and all your problems will go away?” “Ha ha. You’re lucky I got there when I did,” “Yes thank you very much for that,” we sat there in silence for a bit. Just resting. “Hey Twilight, do you think you could cast a spell to replace the missing lens?” I asked, pointing to the broken one. “Um, I don’t know. But if we found the pieces, then I’m sure I could repair it,” “Alright. Try doing what I said first,” She nodded, and her horn began to glow. A few seconds later, and a purple disc appeared where the missing lens was. Her horn died down, but the disc stayed put. It wasn’t see though, but I could live with that. It was only temporary anyways. I looked down at her. “Thanks! I knew you could-” The purple lens fell out of the mask and shattered on the ground before disappearing. Darn. “Nevermind. But it was worth a shot,” “Sorry. My brother is better with physical barrier spells,” “Nothing to apologize for. You gave it your best, and hey, maybe the next time a human comes through here you can help him out better than I,” I said with a smile. “Always the optimist aren’t you?” she asked “Yeah, my commanding officers loved me for it. I would always raise moral, but wouldn’t be automatically hated for being up top,” “Why would soldiers hate their officers?” “Well… if a commander makes a bad call, chances are high people die. Lots. So when the survivors come back, they have to blame someone,” “Oh,” she said, her face falling. “Well, do you think you could teleport back to your house and grab the pieces?” I asked “Oh, no. The magical signature would give you away us away in no time. Celestia and the others would get to you before we could do anything,” “Welllllll piss. So what, wait for dark then sneak in?” I asked “That would be one way to do it,” “Can you think of anther?” “Not right now. But if I think of a better solution I’ll let you know,” “Alright. I’m gonna take a nap. You keep me covered alright?” I said She responded with a clumsy salute. I laughed and ruffled up her mane. She gave me a playfully sour look before straightening it out with her hooves. I sat down and leaned against the tree. About damn time I got some sleep. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. “Etrius… Etrius wake up!” I woke up to a hushed but panicked voice. I was also being shaken. “Hm! What?” I asked in my normal tone “SHH! They might hear you,” “What? Who?” I asked, lowering my tone “I think the effects have worn off of most of the ponies by now, but I think Princess Celestia has something up with her system. Her being an Alicorn, I don’t know how long it will last,” “She’s here?” I asked, my eyes darting all around the sunset lit orchard. “No, but I heard some guards nearby. We need to move,” I nodded and got up into a crouch. She started to walk in a direction, which I really hoped was away from the noises. I followed her, making sure to not step on any twigs or branches. I remembered how many days I got of latrine duty after I got caught playing a prank on my C.O. It was worth it though. We kept on walking until a barn, and a house came into view. “That’s where Applejack lives. We need to be really careful here,” “Noted. So are we assuming they’re all still under the influence?” “Better safe than sorry,” I nodded. We crept along until we were about fifty feet from the house. A light turned on, but I kept my cool. Well, I tried. I noticed I was breathing a lot faster, and they were more panicked. I closed my eyes and calmed myself. I opened them and Twilight was creeping along again. I followed her and we made it to the barn. That light, hmmmm, nah. Probably just some kid getting a glass of water. Twilight poked her head into the barn, then pulled it out. She nodded, I need to give her a little sign or something for a thumbs up. Nah, that’s stupid, well at least I recognized it. I crept along behind her far past the barn, and probably five minutes out I stood up. “Thanks for the save Twilight,” I said “Oh, it’s no problem. What are friends for?” she said with a smile “Well… I never had many so I don’t really know,” I said “It’s a figure of speech Etrius,” “That makes sense,” “But, you never had many friends?” “Nah. I always had one or two when I was in school. But we were all in societies reject bin,” “Oh that’s terrible! Did the other kids not know the magic of friendship?” “Well… they knew having friends was nice, but… I don’t know how to respond to that,” “Oh. I'm sorry,” We walked in silence for another five minutes, as the sun set and the moon rose. I always liked the night. Lots of fun to mess around in the moonlight, personal preference I suppose. Yet another thing that’s odd about me. Ponyville… heh, silly name, came into view and Twilight slowed her pace. “Most ponies aren’t out at night, but we should still be careful,” Twilight warned “Noted. OH! Hey Twilight, I’ve got a good riddle for you,” She looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “Ha ha. If Jimmy is fifty feet away from a tree, and he jumps half that distance, then half the next distance and so on, when will Jimmy reach the tr-” “Never,” “Way to be a buzzkill. I finally get all intellectual and you top me without even trying,” “Sorry, we have our own version of that, and I’ve already heard it,” “Oh. Well that makes sense,” We kept walking until we saw a couple of guards standing at the entrance of the town. “In other news, Hurricane Celestia continues to destroy the hopes and dreams of Corporal Etrius,” Twilight gave me a funny look. “It’s a human thing,” I said, walking to get around the guards.