Travis was hanging out by the front gate as he was looking for something to do since Luna was in a meeting discussing the plans for the up coming war. He was thinking about what to say to her as an apology when she had said something serious and he quickly said 'that's what she said'. A loud booming voice called out forty and there was an awkward silence afterward. He was sure he blew he chances with her now. After a little mopping he looked up to see me heading his way.
“Where ya been?” I walked up and he looked at me with a raised eye brow. I had my shirt off and part of hit in my pocket so it hanged by my side. I was cover from the neck down in bite marks.
“I would tell you if you weren't a virgin.” he gave me a pissy look and flipped me off.
“Well fuck ya too.” I started laughing and noticed someone heading our way. It was a royal guard and soon he was standing in front of us.
“Princess Luna ask for you both to join us at the war gathering committee.” Travis and I looked at each other and I shrugged my shoulders, soon we followed the guard to the meeting. I put back on my shirt as we entered the large room that had about twenty ponies and Luna. The mane six were in the front of the group so we made our way to them.
“I have called you here to announce that we are soon assembling our troops and heading for battle with Saddle Arabia. They want war and we shall answer but I need help. Today I am choosing five of the elite as generals in the army.” talk erupted through out the crowd and Luna held up a hoof to silence them.
“I have already pick the first and it is Shining Armour to lead the unicorns, now it is time for the other four.” when she said his name I tried to hide but then she continued.
“I would ask of you, Travis, to be another. Your healing abilities would make it difficult for the enemy to kill you.” Travis went wide eyed as she spoke.
“Ah'll do it.” great now we're going to lose. She motioned for him to come forward and stand with her.
“Now I ask of Rainbow Dash to lead the Pegasus as general.” Rainbow Dash squeak in excitement and flew over to them.
“I ask you Applejack to lead the earth ponies as the forth general.” Applejack tipped her hat and made her way to them.
“Unfortunately I have not been able to think of a fifth general and will have to choose amongst you before me.” that caught my attention like an ADHD kid and something shinny.
“MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!” I started jumping up and down waving my hands. Luna didn’t seem to see me.
“Someone strong.” I went over to a table that sat twenty and lifted it above my head.
“Like this?” she just went on.
“Some one intelligent.” I ran over to a wall and started writing numbers and letters with chalk. After I was done I pointed to it.
“That's the equation to life!” but she just kept going on.
“I do not know who co-”
“HEY WANKER, DON'T IGNORE ME LIKE YOUR BITCH SISTER!” everyone went dead silent and Luna looked at me wide eyed then behind me. I turned to see Celestia walking at the back to another door at the other side of the room.
“Yes you! You bitchasswhoreretartedfucker!” she just walked out the room through the other door. I turned back to Luna who was at a total lost.
“We-we have our fifth general.” I slowly walked up to them with a large smile. I was going to be leading my own troops and slaughtering enemies with great joy. Hey you can't spell slaughter with out laughter.
“Generals it is time to meet your troops.” we were lead by some guards to the barracks and some how I ended up in the back with Shining Armour.
“Uh... hey.” he said trying not to make eye contact, it was really awkward.
“You never cal-”
“Iscrewedyourwife.” I spoke real fast and then made my way for the front of the group. Finally we made it and were lead separately to our troops. I never seen a more bad ass group of guys since the time I cloned my self (is it considered incest or masterb... never mind). I looked them over as they stood at attention. Ponies, dragons, and minotaurs that all looked like they could kill you just by sneezing on you. Especially a big ass red dragon that had three feet on me and twice as wide.
“What's your name?” I stopped in front of the hulking dragon and spoke.
“Rathlos.” he had a voice deeper then mine but not as seductive.
“Ok Rathlos I want you to answer me something. You're standing here in front of your general looking like on over sized hunk of meat so... why are you here?” he straitened up some more and spoke loudly.
“Because we're the best of the best of the best sir!” I had a big grin from this.
“Damn right! That's what I like to hear!” we were going to kill so many enemies that their bodies would be named as a hill. We could 300 this and win, no need for everybody else. I was satisfied with my troops and decided to leave for a bit while they went through practice drills. I was going to go to the library and try to find a book about the best gutting methods, I needed to be on my A game. And of all the ponies I find there was Celestia. I went strait for it.
“So what's your problem with me?” I glared at the back of her head as she was sitting on a couch reading. She was still ignoring me and it really pissed me off.
“Ok fine. I don't need to know so you can just go fuck yourself with a cactus.” I waited for a second for anything but nothing at all happened. I glared hard at the back of her head and it started to become solidified. The word bitch in big block yellow letters came out of my eyes one after another and floated to her, bouncing off the back of her head. She just scratched the spot they hit and kept reading. I turned around and left, she was just really pissing me off. I don’t know what the hell is her problem but she has done nothing but ignore me. As I was walking away I realized I was going to need equipment for this war but I didn’t know where to get it. I wondered back to the barracks to see if I could solve this problem. Travis beat me to it though, he was putting on a suit of armor. It was dark blue, smooth and shiny. It looked like dragon scale and the helmet even had a few spikes going back from above his ears. Lucky ass hole.
“So where's my stuff?” I looked at Luna with my arms crossed. She turned to me and spoke.
“We didn't have measurements to make you armor, we had Travis done a few days before.” a few days before? So Travis was already hoof picked and everything.
“I don’t care, armors for pussies any ways. Just give me something large enough to over compensate.” she lead me to a weapon rack that had many, many different weapons. I looked them over trying to decided what I would use. Then I found it.
“Oh yeah! Come here you saucy bastard!” from the rack I pulled out...
“The RAMABANANA!” it was a seven foot long, two foot wide, solid metal rod covered in large studs. It ha to have weighed at least a thousand pounds but for this lightly brown god it was nothing. Travis was watching me running my hand over it and shaking his head.
“Ah'm sure ya going to do more then use that for just war.” I turned my head around, my back still to him.
“Oh differently. You first.” I started walking back wards to him as he went wide eyed. I turned my body around with the rod aiming for Travis who ducked at the last second.
“Prepare your an-” a loud ringing cut me off before Travis was sodomized. Guards and soldiers started running with weapons. I picked up Travis and we followed them to the front gate. A large black vortex was pulsing some distance form the gate. Discord was in front of it looking it over. Luna, Travis and me went to him.
“Discord what is the meaning of this?” Luna spoke angrily as we came to him. He turned around with a board expression.
“This isn't my doing Mooney, I-” he was cut off as a long violet horn erupted out his chest. He looked down surprised when it glowed brightly. Suddenly he exploded and I, in the middle of us three, was hit at full force and thrown back. Luna and Travis looked at the few remaining bits of Discord and then at what killed him. It was an eight foot tall unicorn, slender and graceful, the three foot long horn covered in blood. From the head, a smokey black mane and tail to match. all the way down to the front legs and shoulders was a sick violet that faded to a dark blue for the rest of the body. Cold steel gray eyes looked at the two before... him. He was easy to mistake as a girl because of his body until he spoke.
“Hello Princess Luna. Sorry about the mess.” he spoke in a cool low voice that made your skull vibrate.
“King G'afssa.” Luna stared back covered lightly in Discord.
“I have come to give you one last chance to surrender.”
“Never.” he stood tall and looked down at the two in front of him with a smirk.
“So be it.” he turned around and walked back into the vortex. It snapped shut with a loud snap and was gone. Very sudden entrance and exit, strait to the point.
“Ew ew ew ew! He got in my mouth!” I got up spitting out what was left of Discord, I was covered nearly head to toe in his blood. That was a rather brutal way to go I thought, at least I didn't have to worry about being handcuffed any more... by him. Travis was still in shock from what happened and Luna was staring at where the portal was. Soon she turned and left, having Travis come with her while I on the other hand was still spitting out chunks.
“He taste like expired chocolate milk and stale cotton candy!” I was ready to throw up as the two passed me and left me. So now Discord was dead and we have meet the king of Saddle Arabia, well I didn't since I was blown away in Discord soup. I made my way back to the castle and went to found somewhere to take a bath. I found it without much trouble, blood was blinding me the entire time, but when I entered I was not alone. I started undressing when I heard some one clearing their throat. I looked up as my pants dropped to see Fluttershy in a hot tub. We were in a large bathing/spa room but I didn’t care I just wanted to get Discord off me. I was fully naked and stepped under a shower head, turning it on full blast hot.
“Are-are you ok?” she asked as I scrubbed my self hard to get off the dried blood.
“No, not really.” I said as I lathered my self with soap. With in a couple of minutes I was completely clean and went over to Fluttershy in the hot tub. With out a word I slipped in still naked.
“You know at Pony-gra I learned more then one thing about my self.” this came out of no where from her and I looked at her as she got closer to me. I think I liked where this was going (and if I was writing clop for this it would be about 100,000 words long because Fluttershy is best pony). She placed a hoof on my hairy chest and brought her face real close to mine. What happened next to say the least was the best experience I ever had (hey I told you if you want clop write it yourself). I'm just hoping no candle wax this time and who would have known that she could hold her breath for so long.