Walter charged at the bad thing. He didn’t know what it was or why it was bad, but that didn’t matter. Walter only knew that it had scared his pony. He bit it. He bit it because good dogs are brave and they bite bad things. Walter was a good dog.
Curiously, this was exactly what the bad thing absolutely did not want. The bad thing recoiled on its dozen or so legs and spinney tentacles in sheer terror as Walter clamped his jaws down around one of its appendages. This caused the bad thing to squeak a confusing squeak.
Squeak!
Walter shook his head and a plume of black smoke roiled in all directions from the bad thing. Walter bit down again.
Squeak!
With every shake of his head, the bad thing shrank a little smaller. Walter was excited because he was biting a bad thing that squeaked. This was the best bad thing ever. The bad thing, on the other hand, was frightened out of its little pseudo-mind. But that was nothing new really, Nighttime Nanny was always scared.
Several hundred years ago, when Princess Twilight inherited Princess Luna’s Moon Tower in Canterlot, it came with some of the Night Princess’ responsibilities. To their credit, most ponies were fairly understanding when it came to her inability to lift the moon. Even more so with the creation of the Lunar Court. But the moon was only one of Princess Luna’s domains. There was also the realm of dreams and nightmares.
This realm that Twilight was powerless to enter. For the first time since the Lunar Rebellion, nightmares ran rampant through Equestria. It was a grim time in need of a far-reaching solution. Nighttime Nanny was supposed to be that solution.
Nighttime Nanny was the prototype for a would-be line of enchanted dolls that used magic to syphon nightmares out of a nearby sleeping pony. As a prototype, Nighttime Nanny was given a few additions including a rudimentary magical cortex, a dream viewer, and an etherium repeater so the Princess could observe the metaphysical forces at work and fine-tune the doll prior to production. In hindsight this was a bad idea.
Twilight activated the doll for the first time late one fateful night, and it collapsed in a trembling heap and cried its little button eyes out. The enchantments inside the doll were too powerful. Instead of draining a nightmare out of a single pony sleeping nearby, it absorbed nightmares from a much larger radius and a much larger sample size. Like say, all of Canterlot.
The little doll could feel nightmares, true. But it could also feel other emotions. Primarily fear. And fear hurt. It didn’t understand what it was, where it was, why it was, but it was terrified. It was in pain. It ran.
As it ran, ripples of the nightmares it felt flashed over its tiny form. The powerful magics at work inside the doll twisted and altered its appearance into an ever-changing engine of fear. The night was alive with terror. Ponies all over the city tried to hide from the little doll at the center of a boiling sea of madness. Twilight would have stopped it sooner, if she hadn’t blacked out from magical backlash as soon as she activated the poor thing.
Whenever Nighttime Nanny passed within a few yards of a unicorn, the etherium repeater triggered an uncontrollable polar reaction in the pony’s horn. A group of visiting Ice Mages from the Crystal Empire began spewing fire. Members of the Solar Court cast shadows in all directions. Sugar poured out of dentists. Things got worse before they got better.
Nighttime Nanny ran nonstop for days without the need for food or sleep or breathing. It screamed its fluffy little head off until it found a nice secluded spot, without any ponies, where it could cower until the end of time.
Ponies politely asked Princess Twilight to refrain from helping with the nightmare issue again.
Squeak!
Nighttime Nanny didn’t know much. In fact, it wasn’t capable of many of the higher brain functions with such a simple cortex. But it did learn a few things over the last few centuries. The closer a pony is to Nighttime Nanny, the more Nighttime Nanny hurts. Scaring a pony makes it go away. Those were good lessons for the little doll. Tonight, it learned a few new things.
Squeak!
The fuzzy white thing is not scared of Nighttime Nanny. The fuzzy white thing liked to bite and shake Nighttime Nanny, which made it's magical cortex squeak. Whenever it squeaked, it tickled Nighttime Nanny. It had never been tickled before. It felt okay.
Squeak!
The three girls walked through the decrepit castle in weary silence. Sandy walked next to her newest friend and draped a wing over her for comfort. Honeycrisp frowned but remained silent. They walked without the light of her magical fire. They didn’t need it. It was dawn.
Whatever that thing was that came upon them in the clearing last night, it never tried for the door. They heard the sounds of a fight but it ended sooner than the girls felt comfortable with. Afterwards there was a series of bizarre squeaks, the rustling of bushes, and then silence.
The despondent companions walked through the ruined castle on a route Smarty Pants had memorized long ago thanks to a series of blueprints she found in Canterlot’s Royal Archives. First they walked past the larder, third door on the right. Then they took a left at the millennial ballroom, avoiding the skeletal remains. Finally, they turned right into a warzone from a bygone age.
“Whoa. What happened here?” asked Sandy, her wings fluttering uncontrollably.
This was the courtyard of the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. One of the major crossroads of Equestrian history. The girls were witnesses to the aftermath of a titanic struggle between sanity and heartbreak.
“The Lunar Rebellion happened.” Answered Smarty Pants. “Ask me about it when we’re out of here, ok?”
To the North stood the original Sun Tower of Princess Celestia. It was the template for the nearly-identical tower that housed Princess Cadence’s royal chambers in Canterlot and it was their destination.
To the South, where the first Moon Tower of Princess Luna should have been, was a void. The tower itself had long ago collapsed into the courtyard. Whether its collapse was caused by conflict or old age, who could say?
“What makes you think we’ll get out of here alive?” asked Honeycrisp in brooding detachment.
Smarty Pants pinned her ears back and wrapped her usually wavy tail around one of her hindlegs. “Honeycrisp, I—“
“Save it, Pants.” Honeycrisp snorted. “I’m so mad I could spit fire. Don’t you dare apologize right now. Let’s just get what you need for your precious Princess and get the hay out of here.”
Smarty Pants nodded sullenly, her red mane flat against her head. She moved on with the other girls in tow.
“Walter was a good dog.” Offered Sandy.
Honeycrisp pushed the pegasus’ wing off of her and looked away from Sandy.
“Is. Walter is a good dog.” It was all she had to say on the matter.
Sandy frowned at the brush off, but continued to walk next to Honeycrisp. An idea hit her.
“Oh hay!” she said with as much pep as she could, “You know, whenever I’m sad, mommy says I should sing a song! Honeycrisp, do you want to sing a song?”
Honeycrisp gave Sandy a pained look. “Please, can we not do this right now, Sandy? I’m exhausted. Besides, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.” Sandy nodded and trotted ahead to Smarty Pants who was already standing at the entrance of the Sun Tower.
Though the outer door had rotted away some time ago, the interior was remarkably preserved. After walking past the timeworn sentry point, they made their way up the large stone spiral staircase three abreast. It was wide enough that at least a dozen ponies could have walked side-by-side to the very top of the tower.
Every three floors, there was a landing obstructed by thick wooden doors with bronze reinforcements. They were locked, but after some experimentation, bargaining, pleading, crying, acceptance, and magic, they found out how to get through them. Finally, they pushed through the smoldering rubble of the ninth and final set of double doors.
Smarty Pants shook a great deal of soot and grime out of her mane. “Thank goodness for your fire magic, Honeycrisp.”
Honeycrisp wobbled woozily on her hooves. “Hay, yeah! Those doors didn’t stand a chance against an Apple.” Sandy and Smarty Pants nodded in agreement at the proud mare and looked about their surroundings.
The top floor foyer was smaller than its mate at the top of the Sun Tower in Canterlot. To the left was a door with the symbol for the Sun and a rainbow, just like the one to Princess Cadence’s study. Directly ahead of her was a set of double doors with the Sun on each one, no doubt the Royal Chambers of the Sun Goddess. To their right was an intricately designed door with the Sun and Moon on it. Smarty Pants had no idea what room this was. That excited her.
Sandy looked at her friend’s twitching tail and knew what was coming.
“Smarty Pants, can we take a break? I’m tire—”
“Oh my goodness!” the excited earthpony shouted. “We made it to the top! Okay, let’s see. If I remember correctly, the doors are sealed with magical wards. But we should be able t—“
A sharp whistle snapped Smarty Pants out of her rambling. “Hay! Equestria to Pants, come in, Pants! We’re tired. We’re hungry. You smell bad. We’re taking a break.”
Smarty Pants frowned at her cousin, but she... Ugh. She did smell bad. She trotted in place and looked around for a towel or a washroom or… anything that would help, really.
Honeycrisp rolled her eyes at the ditzy earthpony and turned to her new friend. “Sandy, please tell me you’ve got something to eat in one of your saddlebags.”
Sandy reached into her left saddlebag with a wing. “Oh what I’ve got is much better than just something.” With a flourish, she pulled out the small paper box. “Ta da!”
“It’s… a box.” Said Honeycrisp matter-of-factly.
“Not just any box.” Replied the happy pegasus as she opened it. The room was suddenly filled with confetti and streamers. To accompany the colorful paper storm, they heard three loud clicks, the jingling of bells, and a… kazoo? When the joyful cacophony died down, the girls were treated to a welcome sight.
Barely fitting in room with them stood a wide table covered with cakes and treats. Fresh muffins, doughnut holes, and a plate piled high with apple fritters sat in its center. Just to the side, next to a stack of plates and cups was a punch bowl full of juice.
“Sandy! What is this?” Honeycrisp blinked several times and shook her head. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “Am I dreaming?”
Smarty Pants laughed and elbowed her cousin. “Only if we’re having the same dream. You’ve never seen a Traveler’s Succor spell before? Sheesh, what kind of unicorn are you?” She meant it as a good natured jab, but she regretted it even as she said it.
Honeycrisp knitted her brow. “Well excuse me for not keeping up with the magical times, Pants.”
She sat down at the table, finding a free spot beside the intricate Sun and Moon door. She shot a look at Smarty Pants and continued. “Working on the farm doesn’t really lend itself to a whole bunch of extra reading time. Plus, I don’t know a whole lot of unicorns, seeing as I’m the only one on the homestead.”
Sandy looked up from her half-eaten apple fritter and addressed her two friends with a giggle. “Hey Smarty Pants, I think your cousin should come visit us in Canterlot. There’s a whole bunch of unicorns there. I’m sure they teach magic and stuff.”
“Oh yeah,” Honeycrisp snorted. “I’m sure there’s a ton of sophisticated ponies that just can’t wait to teach a ‘charmingly rustic’ unicorn like me. I’m lucky I can levitate apples and burn leaf piles.”
“Besides,” she pawed a forehoof on the floor unconsciously before continuing, “we don’t need no magic at Sweet Apple Acres.”
She leaned against the door behind her and promptly tumbled through it into the room beyond.
“Ouch! Hay! I thought you said these doors were all locked!”
“Well I thought they were! I mean, the diary said they would be. But, you know, it’s not like I can just cast ‘Detect Magic’.” Smarty Pants tapped her head where a horn should have been.
She walked into the room and offered a hoof to help her cousin up. The offer was bruskly declined.
“Oh come on, don’t be like tha—“
“Don’t push it, Pants!” snapped Honeycrisp. “I have just had the worst night ever and it’s taking every little bit of willpower I’ve got to keep from burning this tower to the ground.” She fumed and pointed at the trio of bright orange flames on her flank. “These ain’t just for show.”
Smarty Pants backed away as her cousin scrambled to her hooves. She took a deep breath and let it out with a snort. “So. Where are we? Is what you’re looking for even in here?”
Smarty Pants stepped away from her cousin. She had no idea where she was.
“I have no idea where I am. This room isn’t in the blueprints.”
She walked over to the door to try and figure out the pattern on it. Like many other doors in the Sun Tower, there was a Sun on it. But oddly enough, this one had a Moon on it, too. There was also something else here. Some pattern behind the Sun and the Moon that she didn’t recognize or understand.
At its core, it was a hexagon with gems inlaid at each of its six corners. The hexagons repeated over and over again over the entire surface of the, just behind the Sun and the Moon. What did it mean?
She looked around the room for the first time. It was surprisingly bare to warrant such an ornate door and key location in the Sun Tower. It made her nervous. Her tail twitched.
In the center of the room was a perfect circle drawn in white chalk. The circle was inlaid with complex runes in shapes and patterns that Smarty Pants had never seen before. It wasn’t bright, but looking at it for too long hurt her eyes just like she was staring at the sun. Inside the ring there was the unerringly perfect outline of a hexagon that matched those repeated on the door. Sitting inert at the center of it all was a single hoof-sized shard of clear crystal. Something about it made her left shoulder twitch. It was a twitch that meant twouble.
“Honeycrisp,” Smarty Pants whispered, trying and failing to keep the panic out of her voice, “Close your eyes and give me your hoof. We’re leaving this room, now.”
Honeycrisp couldn’t tear her eyes off of that beautiful crystal. There was something about it that called to her. It was a beautiful song, tranquil, full of promise, and yet somehow sad. It was so pretty. She wanted to touch it. But she was an Apple. And Apples didn’t listen to singing crystals before and they weren’t gonna start now. She forced her eyes closed.
“G-get… Outta… My… Head!” She grunted the words through clenched her teeth and her head snapped back like an elastic band. Smarty Pants caught her as best she could and the trembling ponies left the room.
Sandy was leaning against the table with half a muffin in hoof and a silly grin plastered across her face. Her usually fidgety wings were limp at her sides, brushing against the floor.
“Heya girls, how’s it goin’?”
Smarty Pants dragged her cousin over the table and plopped down beside her. She smiled wearily at her friend.
“Don’t go in there, Sandy. There’s this circle that hurts when you look at it.”
“There’s a crystal that sings in your head, too.” Groaned the not-so-little red unicorn. She rubbed the base of her horn before she buckled into a weary pile on the floor.
Sandy finished her muffin and looked across the table at her silly friends. They were being so silly. “Okay, don’t you worry. I won’t go into the scary talking shiny rock room. You got it. You wanna try door number two,” she pointed lazily over her shoulder, “or is it my turn to play with the scary things?”
Smarty Pants looked at Sandy. Something was going on with her friend but she couldn’t put her hoof on it. “Uh. Yeah, go ahead. That should be the study. Don’t touch anything that glows and call us if you need help, ok?”
Her stomach grumbled and she realized she hadn’t eaten in hours. She reached for a doughnut hole. “We’ll be out here if you need anything.”
Before Sandy could respond, Smarty Pants took a bite of her tiny treat. Her eyes went wide. “Oh, wow.” She marveled.
Sandy laughed and nodded at her friend. “I know, right? Mommy makes the very bestest best treats.”
This was the finest doughnut hole Smarty Pants had ever eaten. It was like the… king of the doughnut holes or something. She knew that food created via the Traveler’s Succor spell was said to relax the body and mind, but this was amazing. This was nice.
The aches and pains from the previous night melted away with every nibble. A knot in her back worked itself out with a few pleasant twitches. She didn’t even realize it was there until it was gone. It felt wonderful. Her teeth felt cleaner. Her breath felt fresher. She raised a foreleg and sniffed. Yeah, no. She still stank. Oddly enough, that was okay. She giggled.
After finishing that first glorious doughnut hole, she had a second and then a third. With each bite weariness left her. She felt like she just woke up from a long nap. This was super nice.
She felt peaceful. Unnaturally peaceful. A small part of her tried to worry about this new sensation. Smarty Pants tried to worry about how she was letting her guard down. About the strange crystal in the other room. She tried to worry about these things but really, she couldn’t be bothered about anything.
She couldn’t bring herself to worry about that silly old dog, Walter. She didn’t worry about how she and the girls were going to get back to Sweet Apple Acres. She just felt that everything was going to be ok. She smiled and leaned over to watch her grumpy-wumpy old cousin sleep on the floor next to her. She heard a bump and the familiar sound of books hitting hardwood flooring from the study.
“Haha, whoopsie!” giggled her sweetly-sweet friend, Sandy.
Smarty Pants looked at the open door and nodded several times. Still nodding, she turned to the sleeping form next to her. “Shhh, you sleep. I’ll go check it out.”
She got up and stumbled over to a pile of books just inside the study. As the dust settled, Sandy poked her head through the center of the world’s laziest bookfort. She held an old green book in her mouth by its spine. Smarty Pants laughed.
“Silly Sandy, you’re supposed to read books.” She emphasized the word read by booping the pegasus on the nose “Not eat books.”
Sandy’s eyes went wide when she was able to focus on her friend. “Hmardy Famth, A fhoup a pook!”
Smarty Pants cocked her head at her friend in a bid to better understand her. “What?”
Sandy spit the book out and it hit Smarty Pants right in the face. “Smarty Pants, I found a book!”
Smarty Pants peeled the slobbery book off of her face and nodded in understanding. “Oooh, I see.”
She didn’t recognize the image on the cover. That’s because it was blank. Nor did she recognize the text on the spine. It was blank too. Luckily most of the pages inside weren’t blank. The hoofwriting was super pretty, but all the words were upside down. That made it really hard to read.
Sandy fluttered out of the pile of books and landed beside her puzzled looking friend. She looked at the book. Then at her friend. Then back at the book. Then back at her friend. She rubbed her chin as if pondering some grand question and gasped with enlightenment. Then she took the book out of Smarty Pants’ hooves.
“Hay! I was reading tha—”
Smarty Pants marveled as Sandy turned the book around and put it back in her hooves. Suddenly, and entirely unexpectedly, the words were no longer upside down. She could read again! She turned her heavier than normal head and squinted at her friend. She didn’t see a horn, but…
“Are you a wizard?” she asked skeptically.
“Yes.” Answered Sandy.
Smarty Pants let out a depressed sigh. “Everypony gets to be magic but me.”
Her friend laughed and gave her a nuzzle. “So what book is this? It was sitting on the top shelf and it looked really important since it was glowing and all.”
Smarty Pants turned page after page, going backward in time with each page, since she inadvertently started at the back.
“It’s Princess Celestia’s diary!” the earthpony gasped.
Sandy gasped too, because she wanted to fit in. “Really? How can you tell?”
“She signed each entry with her name.”
Sandy’s mouth made a little ‘o’ and she gave her friend another nuzzle. They heard a thump from the foyer, but neither turned to investigate. Instead Smarty Pants mumbled aloud as she scanned its pages.
“H’okay, let’s see here. Abandoning the castle, yadda yadda yadda. Angst and ennui, blah blah blah. Learning how to raise the moon, whine whine whine. A detailed, never-before-published, firstpony accounting of the battle between Princess Celestia and Nightmare Moon as told by Princess Celestia and so on and so forth…”
“Anything good?” Asked Sandy.
“No, not real—wait. What’s this? The Beacon of Order?” Smarty Pants tapped a hoof page with sketches of the door to the other room, the perfect runic circle on the floor, and crystal itself. She quickly scanned the page. Ominous words and phrases jumped out at her despite the fog that had settled over her mind.
‘…failed experiment...’
‘…abandon immediately…’
‘...extermination event…’
Suddenly, the muddled serenity that overcame her when she ate the doughnut holes had vanished. In it’s place was adrenalin fueled terror just roaring and waiting to go. She looked around the study as if for the first time. She noted the pile of books in front of a collapsed bookshelf and her friend who was still dreamily nuzzling her red mane.
A thought of terrible significance thundered in her consciousness from the back of her head. Something thumped from the foyer not moments ago. This was important and it needed to be investigated now. She handed the book to Sandy and gave her a sober look.
“Sandy? Sandy, listen to me. Sandy. I need you to focus, ok? I know it’s hard. Here, hold this book and don’t let go of it, ok? It’s really important that you hold onto this ok? I have to check on Honeycrisp.”
Sandy nodded vigorously but she dropped the book anyway. “Whoopsie.”
Smarty Pants groaned, picked up the book, and jammed it into one of Sandy’s saddlebags. She prodded the pegasus. “Stay here.”
She trotted into the foyer. When she got there she saw the worst thing she could possibly imagine. She saw nothing. More precisely, she saw nopony.
“Oh, horseapples.” She cursed under her breath and broke into a gallop for the open room beyond.
She reached the door just as it slammed shut and its edges began to glow with red magic. She pounded on the door. “Honeycrisp! Honeycrisp, I need you to open this door, ok? I need you to fight it!” She beat on the door, but there was no answer.
“Hay!” she yelled as she continued to knock. “Who’s the big strong Apple around here, huh? Are you going to let some shiny rock tell you what to do?”
She heard a pitiful whimper from the other side of the door and the magic border faded slightly. Hopefully, it would be enough. Smarty Pants spun in place and threw all of her strength into a single buck. Her cousin needed her. Equestria needed her. This was important.
Smarty Pants leapt through a shower of floating splinters and into the room. A small cyclone was gathering in the chamber, but the chalk and the crystal appeared undisturbed. The smell of burning ozone filled the air and Smarty Pants locked eyes with a panicked Honeycrisp.
She watched as her cousin pushed against the compulsion in her horn with all her stubborn might. Step by trembling step, her body made its way towards the glowing circle. Smarty Pants moved in-between the unicorn and the coercing crystal. She put her front hooves on Honeycrisp’s shoulders and started to push.
“Honeycrisp, focus on me. Listen to my voice, ok? I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen and it’s going to be okay because if I keep talking then you can’t listen to the Beacon ok? Don’t listen to the Beacon. It’s very bad and we never should have come here. You were right all along, Honeycrisp. How’s about that, huh? I never tell you when you’re right but this time you’re right.”
She paused to take a breath and noticed that they were almost through the door. Well, the door frame. They were moving through the cloud of wood and gems that used to be the door as they spoke.
“We’re doing great, Honeycrisp. Listen to my voice. We’re almost out of the room. Look at me, no don’t look at the crystal. That’s right look at me. We’re going to get out of here and we’re going to go find Walter, aren’t we? What do you think of that?”
Honeycrisp’s wide eyes trembled and she slurred out a warning as her horn lit up. “B-b-behhhind. Behind y-you!”
Smarty Pants turned to look over her shoulder and saw the crystal speeding through the air towards her and her cousin in a red cloud of magic. She panicked, and swatted the gemstone away when it came within reach.
The crystal was warm to the touch, like an egg in an incubator. But there was more than just the physical sensation of touch. There was a will that worked against her own in the crystal.
She felt compelled to organize. Everything around her reeked of disorder and anarchy. It was her calling to not only bring order to the world, but to become part of a larger whole. She felt the need to submit and obey. She felt the pangs of abandonment. She felt the anger that came from a destiny unfulfilled. She felt the intoxicating rush of being so close to a resolution to every problem in one tidy little red package. Then contact was broken and she felt numb.
Sandy leaned against the doorway to the study and giggled in spite of herself. Her friends looked so silly, cowering there on the floor. The way that Honeycrisp looked so tired. The way her face looked drained of all color as she held her cousin. Smarty Pants looked silly too, the way she tried to crawl away from whatever that thing was on the table.
Sandy especially liked the way her friend’s eyes looked sorta glassy as she stared at the bright pillar of light jutting out of the center of the snack table. Sandy thought that it looked like there was a pony there for a moment, but it was gone pretty quickly. It was probably nothing. Even the ear-splitting sound of exploding wood and stone that happened when the pillar burst through the Sun Tower’s roof sounded kinda silly. She tried to giggle as she covered her throbbing ears, but her heart just wasn’t in it.
Moment by moment, Sandy was feeling less okay about this whole business. She felt okay, but it wasn’t a normal kind of okay. It was kinda weird, and that was worrying. She wanted to be near her friends because her friends would probably make her feel better. She fluttered across the room and sat between Honeycrisp and Smarty Pants. She didn’t know why she didn’t notice it earlier, but they both looked so sad. She just had to hug them.
The burst of light and sound ended as abruptly as it began, and the ponies sat there in the muted silence that followed. Smarty Pants looked to her cousin and asked her if she was okay, but even in her own head those words sounded like she was speaking with a mouth full of marbles. The ringing in her ears didn’t help matters, either. A pair of light green wings wrapped her and Honeycrisp up in a warm hug.
The three of them sat there for a long time, not daring to move. Eventually, Smarty Pants shifted her weight, and Sandy lifted her wing to adjust. It brushed against a table leg and a small tea spoon fell to the floor with a soft plink, and the double doors to Princess Celestia’s royal bedchamber exploded open.
A bizarre creature stood in the doorway in a poorly fitting pink bathrobe with its bushy white eyebrows and goatee done up in curlers. A black sleep mask covered its eyes. With an angry mutter, an eagle’s claw shot up to its face and ripped off the little silk mask to reveal yellow eyes with red pupils.
Blinking to adjust to the light of the room, he spotted the little nap defilers. Ponies. Of course it was ponies. It was never bears or goats or those charming bear goat hybrids now, was it?
“Oh, for goodness sake. What does a God of Chaos have to do to get some decent sleep around here?”
Smarty Pants stared at the bizarre creature as it trundled his misshapen body over to the three ponies. Something clicked in the back of her memory. Did he say God of Chaos?
“Discord?” She gasped.
The draconequus stopped in his tracks and he frowned mightily at his accuser. “I’m sorry, have we met? I’m terrible with names when it comes to mortals. Really, what’s the point in even having a name if you’re just going to decide to stop breathing one day, hmm? You might as well name breakfast sandwiches or pets.”
“We do name pets.” Answered Sandy
Discord threw his head back and let out a huff. “See, this is what I’m on about. You…”
He gestured at the gaping hole where the ceiling, attic, and roof used to be. “Wow. When did that happen?”
“Just now,” said Smarty Pants with a shrug. “Didn’t you hear it?” For his answer, the room went pitch black.
The three girls huddled together. Somewhere in the darkness above, a spotlight burst into life. In front of the three confused fillies was an old white desk. Across the desk sat the strange creature, Discord. He was wearing aviator sunglasses and a vest with shiny badge on it. He pulled a pink water gun out of the vest and set it on the table. Then he took off his sunglasses and put them on the table. He cracked his neck to the left and then to the right.
“I’m asking the questions around here.” He pulled a new pair of heart shaped sunglasses out of his vest and put them on. He continued.
“What year is it?”
“484 AC.” Answered Smarty Pants automatically. She loved a good quiz.
The sound of a pony dismissively clicking her tongue against teeth caught her attention and she turned to look at her fuming cousin. She understood how she felt. Something big was going on and they didn’t have time for this. Still, quiz!
A sudden slam snapped her attention back to the desk. Discord leaned on the table with both arms, drumming his various digits to some unheard tune. He stared out into the darkness beyond the girls.
“Almost thirteen years. Not as long of a nap as I was hoping for, but not bad.”
He slid the sunglasses up to rest against his mismatched horns and looked back at Smarty Pants.
“Why are you here?”
Smarty Pants thought about the question for a moment. If the stories she’d heard about Discord were true—
“They’re true.” He said apropos of nothing. He pulled a pair of glow-in-the-dark sunglasses out of his vest and slid them over his eyes.
“Today is my teacher’s birthday. I’m trying to help her find clues about where her teacher is.”
Discord slouched in his chair and brought his chin to rest on steepled hooves. Claws. Paws. Whatever they were. “And pray tell, just who is this teacher of yours? She must be somepony quite special to—“
“Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
Discord sat up with a jerk and flung the glow-in-the-dark sunglasses into the darkness, where they presumably glowed. “Ha! You? An earthpony? The prized protégé of ol’ Sparkplug? Will wonders never cease?”
“Hay! You leave her alone ya big bully. She knows way more about magic than—“
“Than who, firebug? Than you? Why, there’s no doubt in my mind that little Miss Studybuddy here knows more about magic than some hillbilly farmer from the middle of nowhere.”
Discord ignored the flustered tirade that poured out at him from the two cousins. Instead, he turned his attention to the cowering pegasus.
“How about you, sweetie? Anything you want to contribute to our little ruckus here? I’ve got a folding chair in the other room if you feel like hitting somepony over the head.”
The pegasus let out an ‘eep’ and tried to shrink beneath the table. Discord frowned. That reminded him of something. Or somepony. What was it? Oh, this was going to eat at him all day.
Well, it would have if his train-wreck of thought wasn’t diverted by a knock on the door behind him. Another Discord stuck his head in the room. Smarty Pants once again smelled burning ozone and her eyes went wide. She reached over and put a hoof on each of her friends. “We’re in trouble.” She whispered.
The new Discord was covered in burns and he let out wisps of black smoke when he spoke. “There’s a visitor here for the red unicorn. He says he’s a Mister The Beacon of Order.”
Discord frowned at his doppelganger and tried to dismiss him with a wave. “Tell him to take a number.”
There was a blast down the hall followed by a scream. “He’s uh… he’s very determined to speak with her.”
Discord sighed and snapped his talony fingers. The four of them were back in the ruined upper foyer of the Sun Tower.
“Alright, what’s all this abou—“
A beam of white light hit the draconequus in the chest and he fell to the floor. A collective of clear voices in startling synchronization responded to his unfinished query in a patient and measured tone. “Omega level threat recognized. Entity established as Discord. Attack initiated.”
Discord propped himself up on a furry paw and tried to chase the stars from his eyes. That hurt. It took a lot to hurt a god. He looked at the hole in his chest and realized that it wasn’t something he did to himself. He tried to will it away, but it stayed right where it was.
He jumped to his feet and stuck an eagle arm through his latest body piercing and looked behind him at his wiggling talons. “That’s going to leave a mark.”
He glared at the new threat and dodged two more shots from it’s horn. From far away it looked like any other stupid unicorn. It might as well have been frolicking in a field eating flowers and waiting for death to hurry up and do the world a favor. But up close was a different story. It lacked any of the subtle imperfections that made every special snowflake special.
And yet, despite its unerringly perfect symmetry, it lacked any kind of standout features. It was average in every way. Well, except for its complete lack of hair. Or mane. Or skin. There was just white blandy sameness. Discord hated it.
Another shot hit Discord in the gut and he now had a matching set of holes. He’d make a joke about it, but he was fairly certain he’d just lost a primary funny bone. This was rapidly getting serious. Discord hated serious. All in all, this was not his favorite way to wake from a nap.
He stiffened up and growled at his foe. “Alright, that was your warning.”
He pulled the pink water gun out of his vest and aimed it at the Beacon. “If you lay down and die now, I’ll go easy on you.”
He started priming the pump action on the pink water gun as menacingly as possible. “I’m warning you! This baby will shoot up to 50 feet and the water in here is really cold. Ice cold, even. So you bette—“
There was a zap, and Discord now had a third hole in his torso. “Oh come on! I wasn’t done monologuing! You don’t shoot the villian mid-monologue!” he scoffed “What kind of hero are you?”
“Uh, Discord?”
The holey menace looked down at the little brown earthpony addressing him.
“I don’t think it’s a good guy.”
As if to reiterate her point, a shot fired from the Beacon’s horn. A shot aimed at Princess Twilight’s star student. Smarty Pants watched her life flash before her eyes.
She remembered asking for a pet human for her sixth birthday, only to be told they weren’t real. There was the memory of her first meeting Princess Twilight in Farrington when she was seven. She recalled losing her last baby tooth when she was ten. She looked back fondly at the chariot ride here and the stallions that pulled it, before any of this madness started. She remembered all these things in an instant. And then Sandy jumped in front of her.
The beam hit her in the side and the green pegasus fell to the ground in front of her two friends. They called her name and pleaded with her to be alright. She didn’t move.
Discord looked at the crumpled green Pegasus and felt something stir in his chest. He sensed something. A presence he’s not felt since... He furrowed his brow.
In the blink of an eye, he scooped up all three fillies in his forelimbs and they disappeared from existence.
The Beacon of Order calmly turned and began to walk down the stairs. It needed to find more unicorns.
Moments later, Discord and the three little ponies materialized back into the world. He stood in the royal bedchamber that sat atop the Moon Tower. The Moon Tower in Canterlot. A familiar purple alicorn stood in the room, facing away from him.
“Twinkletoes, we’ve got a problem. A big problem!”
The Goddess of Magic groaned and stomped her hoof, but she didn’t bother to face him. “I know, Discord.”
Discord stared daggers into the back of her head. “You know?! How could you possibly know?”
Twilight stepped aside and turned to face the draconequus. “I know because you just told me.”
Discord looked beyond her to see that there was, in fact, another Discord. He floated lazily on his back while he picked his teeth with a claw. He gave his hole ridden counterpart a casual wave.
“Hi me, how am I today?”