As she awoke one Sunday morning, Ponyville’s tireless champion of oral health, Colgate the unicorn, didn’t expect the awkward position she would find herself in that day. As always, her eyes opened a second before her alarm. She trotted downstairs to her kitchen and prepared her ritual breakfast of toast and a fresh apple, before carefully cleaning her dishes and disposing of the scraps. Next she visited her bathroom, layered her cool blue toothbrush with snow white toothpaste and brushed both rows of her teeth on every side in tight circles vigourously for four minutes. With her mouth as feeling healthy and refreshed as a crystal clear mountain spring, her morning ritual was complete.So she stepped outside, happy to plan her shopping list while she followed her usual path towards the markets.
It was a sunny morning, the sky dotted with luxuriously fluffy clouds upon which pegasi lounged lazily. The sun was hot, but a zephyr of spring brought with it the smell of Roseluck’s roses. As usual, she trotted past Berry’s house, giving her neighbour, and the door she was slumped asleep against, a wide berth. She turned a corner at the spa with a gentle nod to the twins within, and drove straight across the village green to access the marketplace beyond. Then she stopped.
There was a line. It was a line full of ponies fidgeting and tapping their hooves or gazing off into space with blank eyes and flat mouths. It was a line that strecthed in either direction farther than Colgate could see. It was a line that couldn’t be crossed. Because of Rainbow Dash.
She went up to it, searching for a gap. Several ponies eyed her sideways as she shuffled up in short, halting steps. The ponies were packed as thick as sardines; there was no way through.
“Excuse me...” She began, “Why is there a line cutting-”
“Hey, Colgate! Do me a favour will ya’?” Rainbow shouted.
Even among the technicolour Equestrians, Rainbow Dash cut a striking figure and Colgate recognised her instantly. She was short, but the way she planted her lean legs on the ground made her look taller. Her pointed nose and curved, toned sides gave her an aerodynamic look, the epitome of which were her wings. Every feather was rigidly ordered and swept back into sleek cyan lines. Then there was her tangled rainbow mane, a vivacious mess compared to the one- or two-toned ponies beside her. And most importantly of all were her teeth, which shone white beneath every smile.
Rainbow liked Colgate. It was probably because Colgate was blue and Rainbow was vain. Colgate liked Rainbow because she was one of the few ponies who actually took her dental advice seriously for whatever reason. It was because of her that, even though she spent too much time at Sugarcube Corner, Rainbow’s teeth were as healthy as could be. Either way, they got along somehow and Colgate considered Rainbow a friend.
“Uh, sure, Rainbow, need some help?” Colgate replied.
“I need somepony to hold my place for me ‘cause I promised Twilight I’d see her and this line-”
“Ok, but-”
“Yes!” Rainbow cried, leaping to the air in victory. “Thanks, bye!” She had said a second later, already jetting off at the speed of sound.
“Hey wait! What is this line even for?”
It was a long line, and it was a long wait. Colgate quickly got bored. A sour smell permeated the air whenever the stallion behind her talked. A stiff glance at his matted black mane and oily skin ensured her reluctance in ever requiring him to open his mouth again. She once caught the elderly stallion before her drop his dentures on the dirt and replace them without a second thought. The spot where they landed where marked in her mind, and when the time came she avoided it. The stallion was marked too and she took similar precautions. Colgate was starting to see why Rainbow so desperately wanted to leave.
Rainbow did not return. Minutes turned to hours and the sun rose hot into the sky. The pegasi had left their seats on top of clouds in favour of those below. The sweet smell of roses had become the itch of hayfever. Colgate waited in line, fidgeting and gazing longingly towards the marketplace like any other fool trapped in this linear tartarus. For a pony with an hourglass cutie mark, most ponies expected her to be patient. In truth it symbolised, in part, her acute perception of time. At that moment, her senses were screaming that she was wasting it.
Her eyes swung towards the blue dome overhead, searching either for rainbows, or the realisation that none were forthcoming. The latter struck her sooner, and she cast her gaze back to the dirt. She leant out to try glimpse her destination. The line narrowed in the distance, then curved behind a building so that neither its length nor termination point were discernible. On either side she saw ponies slip through the barrier that split ponyville in two, some with knowing smiles, others with intrigued backwards glances. There were those, like her, who protruded briefly from the queue like rabbits darting in and out of a warren, staring ahead with impatience, and occasionally behind with curiosity. She continued watching like this for a while, leaning starboard until her right legs began to ache from the weight- and the wait.
She shifted onto her other feet, seeing much the same scene on the port. However, here she could also gaze at the market with jealousy. Baskets full of green vegetables or the reddest fruit from the Apples’ farm swung beneath the chins of prancing mares. She could hear the claims of ten celery sticks for a bit and watched as the final bag of raisins was swept off the counter by the feathers of a local mail-mare. More than ever she yearned for freedom, but her promise to Rainbow Dash forbade her.
She saw a ripple move down the line. Ponies moved forward in sequence until it was Colgate’s turn at last. Each step brought brief relief to her aching feet and she gently placed her front hooves well to the left of the denture’s landing place.
***
A trickle of sweat traced a cold line across her side, then paused. It gathered mass against her ribs before succumbing to gravity and falling to the ground with a sharp drip. It was getting late. It had gotten hot. Rainbow was still nowhere to be seen. A sour smell began to prickle her nostrils.
“Pardon me miss, you don’t know anypony named ‘Goldgate’ do you?” Asked the stallion behind her.
“Uh, no,” Colgate replied, trying not to breathe in too sharply.
“Oh, ok. Somepony at the back was looking for them, could you pass it forward, please?”
“Fine.” She turned to the geriatric in front of her and gently tapped him on the back. He spun around as if expecting a spider to be leaping out at him.
“Yes? Hello? What is it?” He said, somewhat loudly.
“Somepony down the back is looking for a ‘Goldgate’.”
“‘Collate?’ Never heard of ‘em.” the elder replied.
“No, ‘Goldgate’’.”
“‘Old Cake?’ Now, I know an old Muriel, and a pair young Cakes an’ plenty other folk but old Cake? Hmmm...”
“No no, it not ‘Cake’ it’s GOLD-GATE!”
“Goldgate? Now him I do know. Last I checked he was dead. Still is, probably. Heh, heh.” Colgate’s eyes made wide circles in their sockets.
“Look, could you just ask ahead for anypony with that name?”
“Sure thing, youngst- oops!” At that point, his dentures came loose once more, and the stallion leant down and sucked them back into his mouth, dirt and all. Colgate would have taken a step back, but the stallion behind her was already too close. “You ever heard of a pony name Goldcrate?” She heard the old stallion relay ahead. Colgate sighed. Whoever it was this pony was looking for, they probably didn’t deserve to be found.
Closing her eyes, Colgate tried to ignore everything. In truth, the very opposite happened. With sight gone, her other senses became that much more acute.
She could hear. The wind, just faintly, was whispering to the hairs on her ears. There was the net of clunks and clanging that accompanied any busy town. Somewhere, a lone raven was cawing angrily at the world. She could even hear her heart, thumping steadily and constantly in her chest.
Of course, most of her hearing was taken up by ponies. She was surrounded by them, and their noises bathed her in a foam that drowned out almost everything else. Hooves thumped against the ground like a never-ending drum-roll. There was a chorus of whinnies, as well as of neighs, cries, shouts, breathing, braying, singing -both in and out of tune- accusations, protestations, laughter, banter, betting, baiting and everything in between. And it came in all manner of voices, from quiet mares to overbearing stallions.
It was hard to pick out individuals, but Colgate’s ears naturally zoned into random sentences from the crowd. “You always take me here! How’m I ever going to burn all these calories?” One high-pithed mare complained.
“Their tactic must be to starve us into submission,” Another, a young-sounding stallion remarked.
“I heard this place once had the princess!” some excitable young filly proclaimed.
“YEAH!!!” Colgate actually knew that one- A white coated body builder who used everything as an opportunity for his concise catchphrase. Under her drill, however, he wasn’t so optimistic. She had used a lot of sedatives that day.
Her focus began to drift away from the sonic to the tactile, and all else she could feel on her body. The foremost of these were her hooves, which she shifted the weight on and off of to relieve the stress of hours of standing. Accompanying them were her legs, twitching for a chance to move. Working up her body came to her chest and sides, both of which glistened with a thin coating of moisture. The wind had gone, so the heat pooled around her wet coat, wrapping her in a torrid embrace. The proximity of other ponies just as hot and sweaty as her made matters no better.
Her eyes itched. It was the hayfever. With the lack of wind, the offending dust in the air was starting to settle, but the more she thought about it the more it itched. Rubbing didn’t help, only drew more attention, so Colgate stubbornly refused to raise a hoof. Luckily, her nose was clear.
She inhaled, with her mouth, feeling the dry air tickle the back of her throat, and exhaled. Humidity and minty fresh breath rolled against her muzzle before dissolving into the atmosphere. Next she used her nostrils, pleased to discover they still allowed the passage of air. Relaxing, she began to breathe and found it a pleasant distraction.
Then she began to smell. It came slowly, but the smells were ever-present and insisted on attention. There was the stallion’s halitosis, of course, a pungent kick of old, rotten vegetables. She could smell other ponies too, a subtle humid aura that hung around like a shadow, and that was only really noticed when it was gone. She could smell the threat of more hayfever in the dusty air, mixed with a cocktail of unidentifiable Ponyville scents. But something in particular caught her nose. It was a smell that made her mouth water, and yet turn it away in refusal. Colgate opened her eyes.
The line was moving much faster now, and she was almost at the point where the line began to turn. Step by step the line’s end-point began to reveal itself, sliding into view from behind another building. Colgate glimpsed the red edges of a sign and the white decorations lining the roof. It looked almost like frosting, and the roof like gingerbread. Realisation struck her and suddenly she didn’t want to take another step.
Dentists and Bakers in Equestria are natural enemies. One tries to increase the consumption of sugar, the other’s mission is to lessen it. Now, she was waiting in line for Sugarcube Corner. Rainbow Dash was nowhere in sight to relieve her of her post and she was so perilously close close to the front. She would soon have to buy something, something so hideously sweet it hurt her teeth just looking at it. And the bakers were sure to notice.
She didn’t feel betrayed, only disappointed. Disappointed in Rainbow, disappointed in herself, and most of all disappointed in everypony else in this line for falling for the bakers’ trap. She could see the sign now; ‘Free! Icecream Sundae Special! Sundaes for Sunday Only! Get it while it’s cold!’
And she had to admit, Sugarcube Corner’s icecream sundae specials were indeed special. Scoops of classic chocolate, strawberry and vanilla icecream drizzled with sugar-packed syrup, topped with whipped cream and sprinkles. That wasn’t what made it special though, that was the cake that came with it. That cake was indescribable. She had even once enjoyed a sundae special herself. But she had also enjoyed the dental consequences of that moment of weakness. And now, so shall all of Ponyville.
Colgate tried to think the situation through logically, but the ponies in front of her were receding away and others behind insisting she move. She moved, galloping to catch up to the rest of the line. Then, once more, she froze. Of course, if she did get to the front before Rainbow, she wouldn’t have to actually eat the thing, but the bakers would draw their own conclusions. The line had moved again. Colgate dashed to catch up. The line was moving quickly now, like a conveyor belt in a factory. Colgate spotted a stream of ponies exiting Sugarcube Corner with confectionary-stained muzzles, and could faintly hear a series of bangs from inside. She could guess the reason why the serving had become so much more efficient; Pinkie Pie’s party cannon. All other thoughts were dropped. One remained.
I’m doomed.
***
She was at the front of the line. There was nothing that could have stopped this moment. Rainbow Dash had not arrived.
She watched in horror as the old stallion before her opened his mouth. A spray of sweet, sticky goo in brown, pink and yellow lodged itself in his gums with expert aim. Once more, his dentures fell to the ground, but this time he forgot them. He stepped away and Colgate was in the firing line. The Cakes stood behind the counter and Pinkie behind the cannon. Upon seeing the dentist, Pinkie slowly lowered the barrel.
“Colgate,” Mrs. Cake said icily. Her and her husband stared at her, eyes half-lidded and mouth straight to hide their rotting teeth. “How unusual to see you here, dearie.”
“Hiya CG!” exclaimed Pinkie. Colgate had a complicated opinion on Pinkie. At once she ate more sugar than most of Ponyville combined, and yet her teeth were stronger and whiter than Colgate’s own.
“Carrot Cake, Cup Cake, Pinkie,” Colgate replied, just as cooly. “I’m here on behalf of Rainbow Dash.”
“I’m afraid we’re out of cups, aren’t we Carrot?” Carrot Cake slowly inclined his head once, bringing it up again with just as much care.
“Well I wouldn’t want to disappoint our mutual friend now, would I?”
“Then I suggest you wait for her at the back of the line.”
“No! Have you seen how long that line is!? It’s holding up half of Ponyville’s traffic! How irresponsible do you-”
“That’s it! Pinkie? FIRE!”
“Wheeee!”
Colgate ducked under the first blast, which swished over her head and landed in the foul-breathed stallion’s face. The next two, then three splashed against the wall as Colgate darted to the left. She caught one in her magic, and flinging it in a direct line for Pinkie’s face, thought she had disarmed the menace.Instead, the goop flew straight down Pinkie’s throat and into her stomach. She ducked under tables and hid behind chairs as the sugary bullets hounded her from place to place. Several customers inadvertently got served this way. Finally, though, she slipped on a stray set of dentures and went sailing into a corner. She heard the squeaking of the party cannon’s wheels grow louder and louder. A shadow fell over her, and she was staring down the barrel of a weapon of tooth decay.
“No,” she whispered, “No! NO! NNNNO-” Splat!
***
Colgate wandered out of Sugarcube corner, head hung low. She followed the line back, hoping to find the markets, though they’d likely be little left for her now. As she trotted, a striking figure in the line called out to her.
“Hey Colgate! There you are! I tried asking for you up ahead, but I dunno, maybe some old fogey misheard me? Hey... you alright?”
Colgate looked at Rainbow Dash, bright pink splotches still adorning her lips. She nodded.
“Uh... Good Icecream, right?”
Colgate nodded once more, as a single tear rolled off her face and dripped silently on the ground.