//------------------------------//
// Camper-Damn 
// Story: Happy Campers 
// by Okhlahoma Beat-Down 
//------------------------------//

Groaning and adjusting his tie as he exited the water, BLU Spy picked himself up, drew his Ambassador, and sat down behind the railings of Teufort's sewer. His objective that he himself had set was quite clear in his mind; find out how RED team had their Cowboy and Filthy Jar-Man back. He had selected optimal time for the escapade: Midnight. Most, if not all, of the team members both RED and BLU had returned to their dwellings for the evening, leaving the documents pertaining to Sniper and Engineer unguarded.
Except, of course, the ever-present Administrator, and her ludicrously large army of CCTV cameras, hidden microphones, and alarm bells.
BLU Spy furrowed his brow and looked up. Staring in an almost inquisitive manner at him was a camera, no doubt recording. If he sapped it, there would be a massive reverberation from the Admin, and potentially a loss of his job. So, instead, he pulled out another device. One of Mann Co.'s more forgotten devices, it was something he had used since beginning his career as an infiltrator for hire: The Re-Looper.
The small screen and dial was to be plugged into a camera, before setting a 'start' and 'finish'. When played, it would seem like nothing was happening at 12 o' clock in RED base's sewer, when actually there was a Frenchman stealing precious Intel. Spy got up, walked over to the camera, and connected the smaller device to the larger. Setting 'start' as a few minutes prior to his arrival, and 'finish' as thirty seconds later, he unplugged the Re-Looper, and moved further into the building.
"This is going surprisingly well." he chuckled to himself, knife in one hand and revolver in the other. Just as he rounded the corner to the stairs leading down to the lower 'cave' of RED base, a sound began that almost made his espionage-related heart freeze.
Sssssss...
"Oh, MERDE." he whispered sharply, before quickly cloaking and darting to the ledge behind the stairs. Slowly approaching up the steel staircase came his greatest enemy: RED Pyro. Almost deliberately, the masked psychopath slowly aimed his flamethrower around the small shack, with muffled breathing being the only sound beside the gas hissing from the small flame in front of the spout out of which high quantities of flammable substance would spew. He...it seemed to be approaching a small chair set up to the side of the doorway, which meant Spy would have to sneak by him as silently as humanly possible. A terrifying prospect, for a man wearing entirely flammable clothing.
Pyro paused in front of the chair, turned off the flame on his weapon, and set it down against a wall. Next, he sat in the chair, before looking around to make sure nobody was looking. Of course, he wouldn't have seen Spy. Then, to Spy's utmost horror, the RED Pyro pulled out...



"Sniper!" Engineer panted as the group of them, including two robots that seemed to be based on Pyro, the Robot Medic, and Robo-Sniper, who was carrying the unconcious Princess Luna in its arms, sprinted through the town centre to the train station. "Why are we headin' to the darned train station with these robots?! The Princesses themselves are chasin' us, we should just turn ourselves in, fer damn's sakes!"
"I dunno," Sniper replied, turning his neck to look behind at the two pursuing Alicorns, now cantering along behind them with looks of determination. "We just need t' keep bloody goin'! I'm not facin' Celestia's wrath while I'm still breathin', mate! Just keep runnin' after the Pyrobots!" Engineer nodded, and carried on sprinting. The only thing encumbering him was the dispenser he was hefting in a toolbox held in front of him. He was used to running with it, sure, but not long distances like this.
The only thing Sniper had in his hands was his Tribalman's Shiv, and his other hand was holding his hat onto his head. Plastered on his face was a look of sheer terror, the kind he felt when BLU team won a battle, and had the right to slaughter everybody on RED team using despicable means that Hale himself would frown on. But this was worse: He, along with some robots, had kidnapped a Sun Goddess' sister, and said Sun Goddess was now chasing then with presumable hostile intent.
Then, for the first time with a non-interrogative tone, Celestia called after them.
"Stop!" she cried, trying desperately to catch up to them. "I just need to have Lulu!" Sniper looked at his mechanical counterpart for advice, not slowing down.
"Nah." Robo-Sniper said casually, before looking ahead again and taking the lead to the train-station. The building was so close. At the platform, there was also a train, marked to be heading for 'Canterlot'. Engineer chuckled to himself.
"Sounds far away, fellas! Let's get aboard!" he said to the group, prompting mechanical replies, one human reply, and an almost drunken reply from the barely concious Luna. She groaned, nodded, and further curled up in robo-Sniper's arms, before nuzzling against his steel chestplate. Sniper smiled slightly: He'd hate to admit it to anybody, but it was actually the only thing that really warmed his piss drenched heart.
Before they could scamper aboard the train, a sudden force threw Robo-Medic to the floor, his one wheel not helping him bob back upright due to an unkown force. Instantly, there was a purple flash, and Twilight had teleported in front of the group, blocking their movement, and Celestia had stopped the other way. Both were red in the face, panting for breath, and sweating, a stark contrast to Engineer and Sniper, who were acting rather normal on the platform. 
"I..." Celestia gasped, tongue drooping from her mouth and wings dropped by her sides. "...said stop..." Engineer gave a calm look at the Princess, before placing the toolbox on the floor. He reached into a pocket, and pulled out a convenient bottle of water.
"Here ya go, missy." he said, offering Celestia the bottle. The Princess smiled, and levitated the bottle over to herself. After a lady-like thank you, the monarch proceeded to guzzle the entire contents of the bottle as though they were the last droplets of water on Equis. Sniper and his hard-hatted friend were immediately reminded of a certain alcoholic back home, who loves explosions, and envies people with two eyes. "Umm...yer welcome?" Engi muttered, rolling his eyes behind his goggles and folding his arms. "Now: Why are y'all so damned pissy at us?" Celestia stopped drinking and gave a confused look.
"Well..." she said, looking confusedly over his shoulder at the Sniper-Bot holding Luna in its arms, all the while looking down at her sister with a blank stare. "...you foalnapped my sister, then escaped our custody, before leading two Princesses on what may as well have been a 4000 meter sprint? Is that reason enough to chase you all down?" Sniper looked at her blankly, gazing aimlessly about with his eyes peering almost curiously at everything that wasn't Celestia. She couldn't tell if Engineer was looking at her though, because of his goggles that he never removed. In fact, she was getting rather frustrated with these humans.
"Nope." Engi replied calmly, his wrench in his hand and being idly smacked against his ungloved hand. Twilight, meanwhile, wasn't listening: she was thinking.
None of the other robots Celestia had mentioned are as eccentric as these ones, Twilight thought, not removing her worried gaze from the new robot that had put its own face, which seemed to resemble a cranium of some sort, not even inches from hers. If anything, the humans seem to be smarter than the robots. Before she could shuffle away from the new robot, it raised a hand in front of her face. She looked at the appendage, and as she did, it slowly reached out, and placed itself over her confused snout.
"Mm." said the robot, before taking its hand away, and turning its attention to the unfortunate train conductor.
"...um...?" Twilight whimpered. Suddenly, there was a tap on her shoulder. She cleared her confusion, and looked, to see the Demopan-bot tilting its head at her in what appeared to be confusion. "Y-Yes, Mr Pan?"



In the circuitry of Demopan-Bot...



Demopan-Bot understood one thing about what was happening: The purple horse looked unhappy, confused, and lonely. So, he decided to go cheer her up.



Twilight was laughing hysterically, even though she had seen Mr Pan hit himself with a pan already. She was receiving confused stares and other bad things to have directed at you (No projectile weapons, though) as the robot decided it was time to smack himself with his pan again. Maybe it was some kind of effect he could inflict upon others, maybe it was just her losing her marbles. But what she knew was that he had cheered her up quite a lot.
"Oi, Shiela." Sniper cut in, kneeling down over the laughing alicorn. "Ya feelin' alright, mate?" After a few moments of no reply except giggling, the Australian shrugged and moved over to Engineer, who was having an argument with Celestia.
"...sorry to disappoint, missy," Engineer said firmly, hands placed on his hips, "But personally ah prefer night-time, due to its cover of darkness. Plus, the quiet helps me focus on solvin' practical problems in mah workshop, so I think Lil' Miss Luna here is the better of y'all Monarchs..." Celestia rolled her eyes.
"Well, you clearly have no taste in Princesses!" whined the goddess, stomping a hoof in a diva-like manner. "I raise the sun, love all my subjects, and I'm considered absolutely beautiful! What's not to love about me?"
"Do y'all even understand the definition a' beauty?" Engineer laughed in her face, encouraging a frown from the white horse. "A thing a' real beauty is seein' a Spah dead right in front of yer feet, because y'all were the one who smacked him with a wrench because he tried to sap yer sentry."
"Nah." Sniper cut in, smiling because Celestia wasn't. "A thing of beauty, mates, is snipin' a rocket-hoppin' Tin-Hat from the air without aimin' down your scope, then watchin' him land head-first onto the floor! Then, doin' the same thing to him AGAIN when he comes back at ya for bloody revenge! And what do ya think beauty is, Shiela? Compared to ours, yours'll sound like a piece a' piss." Celestia thought for a moment, then smiled in an almost evil manner.
"Follow me back to Canterlot in the Royal Carriage and I can show you why ponies see me as a thing of beauty." she laughed, and began to go back the way she had come, towards the library. She suddenly paused and looked over her shoulder with a smirk. "That is, if you can handle it..." After a quick shake of her rump, she moved on forwards, followed by Twilight. The robots followed, leaving Engineer and Sniper looking both terrified and confused at what she may have been implying.
"Buddy, is it weird that if that was a human woman saying that wouldn't have gotten me interested, but she succeeded in making it interest me?" Engineer asked. Sniper gave a glare, before the pair followed slowly after them without a word said.



"...mmv bmm frmm m mmf, mm frmm." Pyro sighed, staring down at the small teddy in his gloved hands in an almost sad manner. The stuffed animal was missing an eye, had an arm almost falling off, and ruffled fur. Occasionally, there were small flecks of ash that remained in the fur of the bear, but otherwise it was a light brown with missing patches of fur. Spy could only assume that this was a toy from the Pyro's childhood, showing that he wasn't just a soulless monster. He almost felt sorry for the amount of times he'd stabbed Pyro in the back, or shot him in the head, or disguised as him, shot him in the head, then stabbed him in the back.
Before Spy could do anything, the masked arsonist stood up, and placed his toy on the seat. Next, he picked his flamethrower back up, before looking down at the bear. "Mm cmm bmmc. Dmm mm-hm, mm frmm." he said in an almost sad way, before marching out of the room on his patrol of RED base, leaving the stuffed animal on the chair. Once Spy was sure he was gone, he uncloaked, and looked down the stairs.
"Excellent." he chuckled. But, before he began to move down, he paused, and looked at Pyro's bear. It was obvious how attached he was to the small toy, and it seemed like his only friend. While every part of him was tempted to throw it away and do all sorts of mean things, he decided to do his good deed for the...lifetime. He reached into his suit pocket, and pulled out a small pair of nose spectacles, and his suit-repair kit. Making sure Pyro was gone, he rapidly got to work on fixing the animal. While he believed it to be something small, if he left a note saying he had fixed it, maybe Pyro would be more inclined to ignore the Engineer walking up behind the Engineer.
So he worked.
For thirty minutes, with no stops, until finally...
"Ah, there." he smirked at his handiwork. The bear was now good as new, except the fur, which would have to remain ruffled. The eye was back in place, the arm wasn't falling off, and the bullet holes had been repaired, not to mention some stuffing made of a ripped up handkerchief thread. His job done, Spy put his things away, and left the bear sat upright in the seat with a note.

To RED Pyro

Consider your friend fixed.

-BLU Spy.

His good deed done, Spy continued downstairs, and began his search for clues as to how the Filthy Jar-Man and Cowboy were back. Pulling out his trusty Camera Beard, he prepared to read some secret documents with his chin.