//------------------------------// // I am not a whore // Story: It only gets weirder-er // by Aiet //------------------------------// It was official, we were at war with Saddle Arabia and their king would not try to make any peace negotiations. It would be about a month for some reason before any battling took place, so that gave plenty of time to screw with Travis. I spent the next couple of days after the attempted assassination stabbing and cutting him (I'm such a great friend). After I got bored with that I decided to give Celestia another chance. I made my way to her chambers once again but there was no guards this time so I walked right in. She was laying on her side while reading a book with her back to me. “Hi.” I stood a little away from her and she stood up. Still turned away from me she lowered her head to the ground and raised her flank, stretching with a groan. I nearly got a face full of sunshine. “So is this how you apologize?” she stood back up and I thought she was going to turn around but she just laid back down. I squinted at her as she continued reading. “You just going to tease me?” she didn't move or respond, I was starting to get annoyed again. I expected a sly grin as she looked at me from the corner of her eye but she kept on ignoring me. “So you're still going to be a royal bitch arn't you?” still nothing from her. I just turned and left before I did something stupid like pin her down and start nibbling on her face. I would probably get executed for that. I was angry and that made me hungry so I went to the castle kitchen. It wasn't a long walk since I had been there before on a tour of the castle. When I got there... it was a fat man's dream. Spices of every kind, foods from around the world, and the sweets. A whole walk in closet of sweets, I was drooling on my self. After a half hour Twilight came down looking for me. “Meason are you here? Travis said to look for you in your natural habitat.” I was in the middle of eating a hunk of chocolate as I was cooking something wonderful. “Oh there you are. What are you doing?” I was dumping the contents of the large frying pan into a giant tortilla as she came over to me. I wrapped it up and poured cheese on top. It was a two foot long, six inch wide burrito. “This saucy bastard is called the A.D.” she looked it over with a raised eye brow. “What's that?” I turned to her looking like the terminator, left eye robotic and my right arm with no skin just metal also speaking like him. “It is known as the Anal Destroyer. It consist of egg, guacamole, every known cheese, every known spicy pepper, and hot sauce in a big ass tortilla. After ingesting you will not be able to shit for a week and after a week to the very second you took the last bite... you better hope you're strapped on a toilet.” she gave me a weird look as I went back to normal and then eyed the A.D. Using her magic she picked it up and started eating, the first bite made her moan in delight just like... never mind. I watched her eat the monster burrito and some how finish it all. She wasn't able to move at all as she sat there comatose by pure awesomeness. I had to carry her back to her room and she was not so light any more, I should know since was was on top of... stopping there. After putting her to bed I walked around until I saw Travis in the garden with Luna. I sneaked closer and listened. “I am sorry I have not been able to talk to you sooner. I received your letter and...” the stood facing each other surrounded by blooming roses and a gentle breeze blowing through the air. Travis was nervously playing with his shirt and Luna looked off to the side. “You were true to your word about throwing your self in front of a dagger... I thought it was... sweet.” this was almost painful to watch, I wish I had a cam-corder to tape this. Both were blushing and looked at one another. “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” she asked Travis and he stiffened up. After a coupe of seconds he nodded. “Ah would love to.” too sappy, I had to walk away. I left the two before I saw what happened next. I went back to walking around the castle for hours and nothing happened at all. I was bored out of my mind, I wish something would happen. I just kept wondering around and would peak into random doors. Some were empty, some had sleeping ponies, and one had a stallion clopping like no tomorrow. But nothing interesting at all. Until I found a lone door in a hall. I walked into the room and stopped in my tracks. “What the hell?” “THIRTY FOUR!” that damn voice was annoying most of the time, but it did have it's uses. I looked all around the room that stretched for miles before me. The walls bent outward and the ceiling was a sky of green clouds that had purple rain falling from them. It was grape, I know because one rained right on top of me. The floor started to shake and the tile I was on suddenly shoot into the air with me on it. Raising higher and higher I could see a castle come into view. It was Canterlot but... everything was upside down, inside out, and everything in between. I stopped right at a path that led into Canterlot and started going down it. It led me not to the castle but to a large, empty throne made of fused pieces of wooden furniture. I slowly went to it as I looked for any one but no one was there. I decided to sit down in the throne and surprisingly it felt like a really soft pillow. “Do you like it? I made it my self.” I couldn't see who had spoke but I knew who it was, a deep, manly voice that sent shivers down my spine. If I was a girl and heard that voice my panties would drop so fast they would be half way to China ( but what would it be here though?). “Hello Discord.” suddenly the throne shook and the next thing I knew I was sitting in his lap. “So you know my name but I don't know yours.” I looked up to the mismatched head that twisted above me. He had a cool smile with interested eyes as he looked at this strange being in his lap. I gave him a small smirk and slipped off his lap, walking away. He sat back watching me leave and then floated in the air. Suddenly I stopped walking as he wrapped his body around me and came face to face with me. “You're leaving already? But you'll miss all the fun.” I smirked again and looked at him with half opened eyes. “The God of Chaos, I like that because you bend everything to what you want and cause everything to lose control. With no control things become exciting and fun.” he gave me a smirk this time and kept watching me while wrapping a little closer. “But I like control. Because with a little control you can make things go a long way and even more fun.” you see my mouth says thing before my brain can kick it in the mouth and I end up in bad situations like this one. Discord pulled his head back a little and thought. “I never gave any one control before.” “Who said you'll be giving it.” SON OF A BITCH! I need to put my foot in my mouth to stop this kind of shit from happening but it was to late. He brought up his bird claw hand and trail a finger under my chin. “Who are you?” I was screwed and almost literally. I was about to answer but then there was a loud banging and Discord rolled his eyes. He uncoiled around me and the room started to shrink, everything reverting back to normal. “Come in!” he walked past me and sat down on a couch that was once the throne while the door opened. It was Cadence and she just came to my rescue. “Hello Discord. Is the human... oh there you are.” she looked at me while Discord took a glass cup and twisted it into different shapes of creatures. She looked me up and down before she spoke again. “I was wondering if you weren't to busy that if you would accompany me to the garden.” I just gave he a strange look but I wasn't about to say no to a 'get out of jail for free' card. “Good bye Discord.” I walked with Cadence and just happened to look back at him as he shaped the glass into a pair of hand cuffs and winked at me. I was beginning to wonder if there was any strait males or did I just turn them all gay. We walked out the room and I could hear things twisting and warping in side. We left his room and made are way back to the garden. “I am Princess Cadence.” she looked t me with a smile as we walked. “I am King Meason.” hey she didn't know that. She gave me a surprise look. “That is surprising.” I looked at her with a raised eye brow. “Why, is it because I don't look like I could be one?” she went a little wide eyed and blushed as she shook her head “No it's not that, it's just umm... what are you King of?” I was loving this. “I rule over the land of Hostess. We are prosperous and have large amounts of land and other territories but unfortunately we recently lost the wonderful land of Twinkies, they will be sorely missed.” she nodded her head and she listened. “I am sorry to hear that.” I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, let's just hope she never finds out. Soon we were at the gardens and saw Luna and Travis sitting on a bench real close together. They were just talking to each other. “This is why I asked you to come with me. I am glad Princess Luna had finally found some one but I worry about what he is like. She had never really had any form of relationship like this.” I nodded my head and thought about the same for Travis. I always thought he would die a virgin. “Travis is a good guy. He's a one girl kind of guy who is nice and will respect them. He's like Luna, he doesn't have much experience either, I had to teach him a lot of things.” I talked as we watched them and suddenly they were both kissing. “Well I am glad to hear that. What did you teach him if I may ask.” we both kept watching them as they finally broke apart and stared at each other. I wish I had a sling shot. “How to talk to girls, what to do around them, stuff like that. He wasn't ready yet for bedroom lessons yet.” she looked at me real quick and I watched her out the corner of my eye. “So do you have anyone you're with?” I asked as I still watched the two in the garden. “I am married to a stallion named Shining Armor. Right now he is taking part of our agreement.” I looked at her with a raised eye brow. “And what would that be?” she looked around nervously and blushed. “Well once and a while we both agree to go for somewhere for a couple of weeks and... experiment.” I just happened to know about that form Pony-gra and the picture. I nodded my head and spoke. “So why are you here then?” she blushed more and looked up at me. “Well I've been to nervous to try anything at all.” I just looked at her in silence and she shifted uncomfortably. Then suddenly she said. “Would you like a massage?” it took me off guard and I had to take a second to processes it. “Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders and she smiled. She motioned for me to follow her and we left the two in the gardens. Soon we went into a room that I assumed was the royal massage parlor since it had everything need for massaging. “Here.” she used her magic and gave me a towel. I was confused at first then it hit me. Get undress and wrapped this around my waist. I just undressed on the spot and she quickly turned around. When I was done she led me to one of the tables and motioned for me to lay down. As I laid down on my stomach she let down her mane and took off everything she had on as she gathered the things she needed. “Just relax.” she flew up and landed on top of me, straddling my waist. Then she began rubbing oil onto my hairy back. She started wonderful strokes as she massaged deeply into my muscles and it was all great. Until I felt a searing burn like red hot pokers digging into my back. I quickly looked back to find her levitating a lit candle and poring the wax on my back. “Shh, don't worry.” I was trying to get her off me as she pour more but then she found my weakness. She quickly lowered her head to my neck and bit me. I let out a moan and melted just like the wax as she grind her teeth into my flesh, it was more firm nibbling then chomping. “Maybe you can give me those bedroom lessons.” she pulled back just long enough to speak and went strait back to biting. I couldn't help it as I pushed into her bite, it was just to good. I nodded my head as she poured more wax while still biting. It didn't burn any more since my brain was focusing on the teeth, the wax even felt good now. If the Princess of Love wanted lessons in love, who was I to say no?