My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S2E8: The Mysterious Mare Do Well

The Agenda
1. Getting Funding for Health and Safety. [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Unhappy Finance Secretary Bit Coin scrunched up the paper and tossed it into a bin. Too soon, she was once again meeting with her dearest and nearest friend, Councilor Lyra Heartstrings.

“Why are you doing this?!” the chestnut pony whined. “You know we need the funds for basic maintenance! The safety magic wears out fast on those things!”

The semi-opposition leader nonchalantly slurped on another milkshake. “You will get the funds, Bit. Just wait a week or so.”

“I won't be in Finance then!” the bureaucrat exclaimed, leaning across the table in mental agony. “They’ll never let me stay on; not with all these accidents!”

“Bit, Bit!” the lime-green pony soothed. “You know those accidents are there to do the Mayor in for incompetence.”

“But I’m the collateral damage!” Bit Coin gestured wildly, scrambling around for some middle ground. “Isn’t there something you can do to her that doesn't affect me? I swear, just one slight push and you’ll- “

Lyra groaned impatiently. “Bit, if you think you’re getting shrapnel, somepony else is getting blasted to the Moon.”

“Oh?” The bureaucrat couldn't believe her luck. She fell back, storm clouds retreating in the face of this unexpected revelation. “Who’s that?”

Her totally-best-friend smiled. “Filly has old – well, pretty recent – accounts to settle, Ms. Coin.”

“Rainbow! Rainbow!” Twilight, huffing ever louder by the minute, clambered up the spiral steps of Ponyville’s windmill. Physical exertion was never her strong suit.

At least she was moving within earshot. “Twilight?” the cyan pegasus’ voice resonated throughout the cylindrical structure, followed quickly by the weathermare’s appearance at the top of the stairwell. “What’s up?”

The purple unicorn halted, taking a few seconds to catch her breath. “Government… charging you… affray… ” she puffed, tongue lolling out in an abject attempt to cool herself down. “They’re… they’re... “

“What!” While Twilight’s legalese was something beyond her understanding, Rainbow Dash was so sure this time she hadn’t done anything wrong. “They can’t fire me! They've got no lawyers!”

“Grrr…!” the bookish mare’s overheating brain was in no mood for dallying. “It... won't... work!” she barked before relapsing back into frantic gasps, leaning against the wall for some additional support. Affray – fighting in public – was serious enough to warrant trial by jury. While such trials were often more reluctant to convict, everypony in Ponyville had seen Rainbow Dash fight onstage. Which was obviously why the government chose to charge her with that.

Rainbow Dash’s furrows deepened. Was Twilight talking about that incident at the Mare-Do-Well parade? Surely it wasn’t that big a deal – and her friends had forgiven her!

But Twilight wouldn't lie. “What do I have to do, then?”

The lavender unicorn steadied herself with a few deep heaves, looking at her friend square in the eye. “Rainbow Dash... how much do you trust me?”

The answer was obvious. Twilight always meant well. “One hundred percent.”

The Mayor’s protégé gulped. “Then come with me to the police station.”

The second General Meeting of the Rainbow Dash (and Mare Do Well) Fan Club was a sorry affair.

“I can’t believe it!” a depressed Scootaloo moped at the nearly-empty room. “Rainbow Dash: a bad pony?”

“Well, Applejack says she did somethin’ wrong,” Apple Bloom answered, staring forlornly at posters of the winged idol. “But that she shouldn’t be locked up in prison.”

Scootaloo could only respond with a tragic sniff. “And nopony’s seen Mare Do Well for ages- “

“Girls!” A sudden voice at the door alerted the Crusaders to the presence of intruders. “Girls! It’s Twilight!”

“Twilight?” Sweetie Belle opened the door. “Oh and Applejack too! What- ”

The lavender unicorn minced no words as she entered. “Girls, we really, really need your help now to save Rainbow Dash.”

“She’s being locked up by bad ponies,” the orange pony chimed in.

Apple Bloom raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Didn't you say that Rainbow Dash did something bad too?”

“Well yes I did. But these ponies are badder… I mean, worse,” the country mare corrected herself, cognizant of Twilight’s hypersensitivity to grammar.

Scootaloo threw her front hooves up in the air. “But how are we supposed to help Rainbow Dash?” she exclaimed. “The guards have got sticks and spears and all sorts of painful things!”

The magical unicorn smiled and shrugged. “You know, you might just get your Cutie Marks- “

“YAY!” The three fillies connected the dots easily enough. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SOCIAL ACTIVISTS!”

“Good… wha- ?” Applejack’s mind skidded to an abrupt halt. “Social activists? Where’d y’all learn that fancy language?”

“Well… ” the blush on Apple Bloom’s cheeks shone through her olive coat. “Y-you know what, we really ought to prepare!” And zing! The three fillies dashed off in a cloud of dust.

"Late-night news, no doubt," Applejack chuckled to her friend. “Oh, she’ll get a grounding for that.”

“Come on,” Cheerilee groused, increasingly feeling the appeal of shutting her mom up in a lunatic asylum. “You’re always like this when some crisis happens. I hate it.”

The tan pony wheezed angrily. “You don’t seem to understand that this is my career, Cheerie.”

The silent pause of a slightly-insulted schoolteacher. “I know that. But that doesn't mean you can just go around being dep- “

“Excuse me, Mayor!” Sweetie Belle’s voice barged insolently into the budding argument. “Oh! Ms. Cheerilee – you’re here too! Perfect!”

“Sweetie Belle?” The cerise pony forced out a smile. “How nice to see- “

Her words were cut short as a small leaflet was forced into her hooves. “Mayor, Ms. Cheerilee, we really need your help in getting Rainbow Dash out of jail!” the young filly exclaimed earnestly.

“She’s not in prison, Ms… Belle,” Mayor Mare clarified as she glanced at the own little piece of writing. WHY ARE WE PUTTING AN EQUESTRIAN HERO IN JAIL, it demanded. “Ms. Dash is just getting detained for questioning. They’re totally different- “

“They’re the SAME!” the juvenile unicorn insisted. “How can you possibly repay Rainbow Dash like this! She saved all of our lives!“

The bespectacled mare put down the leaflet and looked at the youngster, preparing to address- oh, Celestia: those eyes! Those wide, trembling, begging eyes… oh my stars… I can’t… I can’t make her cry…!

Moreover, Market Square was fast grinding to a halt, save for the enthusiastic evangelizing of the Crusaders. The gaze of a hundred eyes were upon the Mayor. There was no getting out of it now.

The politician tried to wriggle. “Ms. Belle,” she began. “Ms. Dash did break the law- “

“Oh, I can’t believe this!” the unicorn stomped the ground in a tantrum. “How can you do this to Rainbow Dash! You terrible, horrible... meanie!” And with that, she-

No! No! Stop! The politician looked anxiously around as Sweetie Belle burst into a veritable flood of tears. The onlookers were decidedly on the side of the little filly, shaking and tut-tutting at the tan mare’s decided lack of compassion. Even Cheerie was drifting away.

“Ms. Cheerileeee!” the tear-drenched juvenile now bawled at her teacher. “You taught us that good ponies always receive good things in return!”

“Uh… yes. Yes I did,” the schoolteacher quickly acknowledged, hoping and praying to Celestia she possessed enough diplomatic acumen for this.

The unicorn quickly grabbed her foreleg and unleashed The Gaze at her mentor. “Well… ” she sniffed a few times to amplify the effect, “i-isn’t R-rainbow Dash good enough t-to expect something n-nice in re-return?”

To Tartaros with the law, Cheerilee heard her brain advise. “Oh, of course she is,” she concurred gingerly. “Rainbow Dash has done so much... ”

“Yay!” Sweetie Belle suddenly leapt up in joy, prompting Scootaloo and Apple Bloom to rush in as well. Their expressions of happiness were mirrored in the crowd, who began cheering and stomping at the happy resolution.

Scootaloo turned and addressed the congregation, size no obstacle to her sonority. “You see? All nice ponies – like Ms. Cheerilee – agree that Rainbow Dash shouldn’t be in jail! Only heartless and evil ponies want to see her punished!”

A murmur of assent throughout the crowd, inexplicably hanging on to this orange pegasus’ every word.

“I know we’re just fillies,” Apple Bloom piped up, “but please, please help us free Rainbow Dash, like she helped free us from Discord!”

“Whoo!” the crowd stomped their approval on Market Square. “Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash!”

Mayor Mare shot Cheerilee a dirty look. A tedious conversation about Sticking With Your Mom was in order.

How loud was Scootaloo’s voice? “…our entire class has occupied Market Square for an entire morning now! We’re so thirsty and tired! Why is the Government being so cruel to us young schoolfillies!”

Legislative Council Majority Leader Filly Buster slammed the window shut and turned angrily towards Mayor Mare. He demanded answers.

The bespectacled pony could only shrug. “In many ways, my control over Cheerilee has been grossly exaggerated.”

“Well, do something about it then!” the white stallion slammed his hooves grumpily on the desk. “I can’t believe you let them paralyze Market Square again!”

“At least the citizens are alright with it this time,” Lyra commented nonchalantly. “Funny how a couple of kids changes everything- “

“I. Want. Them. OUT!” the aging stallion brought his hooves down again onto the fine wood. “Do something, anything! I will get rid of Rainbow Dash!”

His temper was not the only one that was fraying. “What do you expect us to do, Mr. Buster?” the bespectacled mare lashed out. “Fire water cannons? Unleash the riot police?”

“You did it last time!” Filly Buster retorted.

Now it was Mayor Mare who was slamming her hooves on the desk. “They are FILLIES, Mr. Buster!” she yelled in exasperation. “THEY. ARE. FILLIES!”

The two locked their eyes together in a deadly stalemate.

The gray-maned mare sat back down once tensions had cooled. She was willing to compromise in the hope of a few brownie points.“Look, Mr. Buster,” she proposed hoarsely. “We can’t get rid of them, but we can lessen their impact. If we redesignate another place for economic act- “

“No we can’t,” Lyra interrupted.

Silence as Filly Buster jerked his head towards his erstwhile political partner. “What are you doing, Lyra?” he scolded.

“We can’t re-designate areas willy-nilly, Mr. Buster,” the lime-green pony retorted calmly. “We need to follow procedure. We are, after all, legislators.”

“Actually,” Mayor Mare tried to correct her maverick opponent. “Under the Emergency Act- “

“The Emergency Act contains no such provision, Mayor,” the unicorn turned towards the bespectacled mare, flashing a glare that clearly told the latter to shut up.

The tan pony leant back in her chair in mock contemplation, figuring out that Lyra probably had a greater sense for political vulnerability than she did. No point in helping the stallion any further. “You’re right, Lyra,” the Mayor said at last. “I was wrong. Apologies.”

“Hmph.” Filly Buster fell back and attempted to reconsolidate his position. “Where’s Ms. Sparkle, anyway?”

Scootaloo’s expression was one of confusion, just as Twilight feared. “What’s the Mayor got to do with this?” she asked suspiciously. “She didn’t even support Rainbow Dash when we asked her to.”

Oh, Mayor, why do you have to make things so difficult? “Scootaloo,” the magical mare cooed, “I did suggest this idea to you fillies… ”

“I guess,” Scootaloo admitted with some guilt. “But still, we don’t know anything about Mayor Mare’s problem. How are we supposed to persuade the ponies?”

The lavender pony chuckled and resisted the urge to pat the social activist on her head. “Oh, Scootaloo,” she explained. “If Mayor Mare goes, that evil and heartless Mr. Buster will become Mayor. And then- “

The orange pegasus wasn’t an idiot. “Oh,” she responded, enlightened. “Yeah. I get it.”

“So.” The unicorn extended her hoof. “You’ll tell LegCo to keep the Mayor in Town Hall. Deal?”

The pegasus bumped it. “Deal.”

Lyra Heartstrings had never shied away from defection when it suited her. Today was no exception.

“No, Mr. Buster,” she firmly articulated her position down the phone. “Nopony is going to follow you down this path to oblivion. You have been way too vengeful on an Equestrian heroine… No, Mr. Buster; we’re letting her go… They’re not leaving Market Square if you pass that Incompetency Bill either… Frankly, if you’re going to be like this, then I’d rather Mayor Mare stay on… Fine. Bye.”

The receiver struck down with a clang. “There, Mayor. I deliver what I promise.” the lime-green pony stated, no hint of parody in her voice.

Mayor Mare’s shoulders felt much, much lighter. She couldn't care less how Lyra justified it. “Thank you, Councilor Heartstrings.”

Lyra narrowed her eyes. “You owe me big, Mayor. I haven’t even cashed in my chips from the previous time I saved your flank.”

The gray-maned mare nodded blissfully. “There will be rewards, Councilor,” she muttered. “There will be rewards.”

“Alright,” Lyra pushed herself out of the chair. “Time to make an appearance in Market Square, then. Have a nice day.”

Twilight Sparkle waited until the door had shut before opening her mouth. “I hope you understand, Mayor,” she whispered in trepidation. “It was the only way.”

“That’s alright, Ms. Sparkle.” The tan pony wasn’t about to let unhappy memories intrude into her paradise. “All is forgiven.”

The magical pony fidgeted a bit more, unsure whether the amnesty was genuine. “If it means anything to you, Mayor,” she added, “I learnt it all from you.”

The Mayor closed her eyes and leant back into her chair. “I’m honored, Ms. Sparkle. I'm honored.”