My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S2E6: The Cutie Pox

The Agenda:
1. Our policy towards the expected visitor influx. [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“And the news that all of Equestria has long been waiting for: the Canterlot Academy of Sciences announced today that it is sending a botanical expedition to Ponyville. Its focus will be on the Heart’s Desire, the flower that has been at the center of attention since its ‘discovery’ a few days ago, although its properties were well-known to local herbalists… ”

Finance Secretary Bit Coin tuned out the TV, unable to conceal the grin on her face. “You know what this means, Mayor.”

The Mayor smiled back. “Oh, sure. It means that ponykind has made another step towards unravelling the secrets of Nature- ”

The chestnut pony facehoofed. “No, Mayor! ...well alright, yes it does mean that, but I meant something else: the expected arrival of- ”

“I was being facetious, Ms. Coin.”

“Oh.” The young mare glanced uneasily at the tan pony, not quite sure if she needed to elaborate further. She opened her ledger in order to buy some thinking time. “Anyway. With this news, I’ll be revising the visitor numbers upwards: we’ll be getting ten times more tourists to Ponyville this season.” The tome shut with a satisfying thud. “Big business, Ma’am. Lots of revenue.”

“Never hurts to have more money,” the gray-maned mare affirmed the obvious. “And at almost no cost too. Maybe a few hiccups in infrastructure. Maybe.”

The Finance Secretary concurred, punching some numbers absent-mindedly into her pocket calculator. “Total win-win, Mayor. The Legislative Council will love it. The citizens will love it. And the bureaucracy loves it. We can’t lose here, Ma’am.”

The atmosphere in the bakery was one of unmitigated melancholy. “Mr. Cake? What’s the matter?” Councilor Twilight Sparkle asked as she cantered into the store, a distressed Pinkie Pie following in hot pursuit.

“We’re closing,” the amber stallion moaned as he glumly cleaned a baking tray.

“What? Why?” the magical unicorn blurted out in shock

The ears on the baking pony drooped even further. “You know the twins are nearly due. Well, stupid me decided to sell the building for some quick cash: and next thing you know, the new owner’s quadrupled the rent!”

“They quintupled mine,” Pinkie Pie added, her normally effervescent complexion strangely absent.

“Quadrupled? Quintupled?” Even for a Canterlot filly, this was an extreme state of affairs. “Why?”

Mr. Cake shrugged, resigned to his fate. “No idea. I reckon it’s something to do with the Heart’s Desire. But I certainly didn’t wish for this!”

“Twilight,” the party pony whimpered, “Do you have any idea what’s going on? Can you help us?”

“No, Pinkie, I don’t,” the magical unicorn muttered. “But I’m going to do my darnedest.”

“Mayor!” the magical unicorn entered into the room worriedly. “What’s happening to Ponyville?”

“Ah, Ms. Sparkle,” the gray-maned pony gestured towards the chair next to her. “You understand that the Heart’s Desire has generated a lot of excitement around Equestria.”

The magical pony nodded, declining the offer. “Yes.”

“So,” Bit Coin interjected, “’Magical flower, can grant your deepest wishes’ – I'd definitely want to see that!”

“Ah.”

“So,” the chestnut mare continued, “a flood of visitors will be here this season. Obviously, Ponyville needs to adjust to that.”

The purple pony narrowed her eyes. “’Adjustment’ doesn’t even come close to describing it,” she rebuked the bureaucrat. “Half the shops in Mane Street are closing down!”

Twilight swore she heard Mayor Mare’s jaw collide with the floor. “H-HALF?” she stammered in disbelief. In a panic, she turned to the financial expert. “Ms. C-Coin, explain this!”

Caught unawares, the chestnut pony was at a loss for words. She could only flip open her ledger and begin riffling like a maniac. “I-I can explain…!” she stuttered, before abruptly stopping mid-riffle.

“Well?” the gray-maned pony demanded, cold sweat forming on her brow.

The Finance Secretary had recovered. “Oh, it’s nothing, Mayor,” she commented, the smile returning to her visage. “It’s speculation. Just speculation.”

“Speculation?” the lavender pony repeated dumbly.

“Yes, speculation. Ponies know that Ponyville’s a gold mine this coming season. So they’ve bought up the land – at high prices, I’m guessing – in anticipation of increased value.”

Those words registered slightly with the Mayor: after all, she had studied economics. “So what does that have to do with Mane Street shutting down?” she harried her subordinate.

“Well, Mayor,” Bit Coin put her book aside. “Ponies are buying these properties because they think they can make a profit here, given higher rents from other businesses – you know, luxury shops, hotels, the like. I’m betting they’re trying to force the original occupants out.”

The magical pony almost choked at the revelation. “Force them out!” she exclaimed in distress. “And you're letting them do it?”

The bespectacled mare found herself swaying uneasily on the fence, buffeted by the debate raging in front of her. “I guess… ” She tried to commit to one side. “The speculators have gone a bit too far… ”

“Think about the stamp duty, Mayor, the stamp duty!” the chestnut pony hissed, casting furtive glances at her opponent. “We’re going to lose out on all that tax because of a few sentimental fillies?”

Twilight Sparkle returned the favor. “What about Sugarcube Corner? What about Quills and Sofas?” she protested. “They’re central to the community!”

“Mayor!” the Finance Secretary escalated. "You can’t seriously be considering this! What will the ponies say? Darn it, what will LegCo say?”

Mayor Mare was now made painfully aware of the tremendous stakes involved. “Erm… actually, I think the Finance Secretary’s arguments carry more weight, Ms. Sparkle. After all, there is ample space for the Mane Street shops to move to- ”

The purple mare wasn’t giving up without a fight. “This is Ponyville, Mayor! You’re supposed to be looking after their interests!” She was fast being reduced to throwing the kitchen sink, hoping for a chance strike. “Please, Mayor! You’ve already given up the Running of the Leaves; don’t you think that’s enough- ”

The Mayor twitched slightly. The reminder of that sad failure did little to induce her towards the conservationist position. “I’ve made up my mind, Ms. Sparkle. Ms. Coin’s policy stands.”

A few dispossessed shopowners were unwilling to just roll over and die for the good of Ponyville.

“What do we even elect you ponies for!" An enraged protestor screamed. The sound of a cordon breaking as the failing shopowner lunged at the Councilor.

“Argh!” Lyra squealed as she bolted for safety. “Security! Security!”

The cyan pony emerged into the rotunda of the antechamber, pale and shivering from head to hoof.

Leader of the Equestrian Party Filly Buster had heard the commotion. “Guess those protestors are escalating fast, huh,” he commented dryly. “Oh, what pains we have to endure!”

Lyra Heartstrings paused a while to catch her breath. “They… should know… it’s for the good of Ponyville… ” she huffed.

“Indeed,” the silver-maned stallion was convinced of the righteousness of his case. “The extra allowance is nowhere near enough compensation for this!”

The cyan pony swallowed in an attempt to steady herself. “We need to throw the ponies a bone, Buster,” she declared at last. “We can’t give them the impression that they’re the only ones holding the bill.”

The white pony’s ears drooped at the news. “But I want that pay rise, Lyra!”

Even the cyan mare felt queasy at the stallion’s grasping attitude. “Buster, unless you find me another scapegoat, we can’t have- ”

“Hey, Councilors!” Twilight Sparkle abruptly poked her head between the two ponies. "How’re you doing?”

Filly Buster bristled at this unwelcome intrusion. “This is a private conversation, Ms. Sparkle.”

“I understand,” the magical pony apologized innocently. “But on behalf of the Government, I was wondering if you ponies had any idea how to help the Government combat these anti-Government protestors… ”

“The Government…” Something clicked in Lyra’s brain. “Wait, the Government! Filly, why don’t you come over and let’s discuss- ”

“Ooh!” Twilight jumped in the air enthusiastically. “Can I join?”

“None of your business, Twilight,” the cyan pony glared at the insolent unicorn.

“Aww!” Twilight whined as she skipped happily away.

Nothing could possibly wreck the rest of Bit Coin’s tenure. Ponyville, with her at the helm, was about to be swamped in a veritable tsunami of gold. And sure, as with any tidal wave, some ponies were going to get swept off the deck – but that was surely an acceptable sacrifice. Think of all the extra benefits the government could provide: free healthcare, free welfare, free bus fares… oh, and think of all the extra bureaucracy that would be created – all those officials, with you as their creator and leader! The mere thought alone was enough to send any magistrate into paroxysms of ecstasy-

“Ms. Coin! Bit!” Mayor Mare’s grim voice called the chestnut pony back to Equestria. A slim LegCo dossier was shoved into the chestnut mare’s hooves. “I need you to see this!”

Probably some pointless restriction, the young mare surmised. “I’m sure it’s nothing that a few bits won’t solve- ”

The look on the bespectacled mare’s face said otherwise. “Read it, Ms. Coin.”

“Right, Ma’am.” The bureaucrat cast her eyes downwards-

“WHAT?!” Bit Coin thundered instinctively. “What the hay is this, Mayor!”

“You read that right,” the gray-maned pony sighed. “LegCo’s selling this place and converting it into a hotel.”

Bit Coin felt a terrific retch coming on. “B-but why, Mayor? Town Hall’s the best place for us to be!”

“Well, the land we’re on is very valuable, so- ”

“But we need this land!” The chestnut pony slammed her hooves indignantly on Mayor Mare’s desk. “We can’t attract the best talent if… “ The mare took in a deep breath. “ …well, where is LegCo planning to move us then?”

Her superior spoke deliberately and slowly, pronouncing every syllable. “Ponyville Retirement Village.”

Bit Coin’s world began to spin into oblivion.

“PONYVILLE RETIREMENT VILLAGE!” she screamed at the top of her voice, smashing her hooves down onto the desk once more. “W-w… I can’t… we c-can’t… nopony’s going into that dump!”

“Whoa there!” Mayor Mare jumped back at this overreaction. “Simmer down! I mean, we all have to make sacrifices- ”

“SACRIFICES!” Bit Coin’s forehooves were searing with pain; she could care less about that now. “This government is breaking its back day-in, day-out for Ponyville’s citizens, and our reward is relegation into the wilderness?!”

“Calm. Down. Ms. Coin!” the politician commanded.

The chestnut pony slid back down, fuming in utterly explicable anger. By Celestia, we’re the most powerful ponies in Ponyville: we sure as hay aren’t going to set up shop in the boonies!

She cleared her throat deliberately. “Ah. Sorry, Mayor. I was just... overcome with emotion. The land speculators have really gone too far in their bullying of Ponyvillians.”

“Okay- what?” the tan pony tweaked her ears. “You’re against land speculation now?”

The Finance Secretary nodded seriously. “I think having half of Mane Street go out of business is an unacceptable price to pay for any economic benefit.”

“But... you said... ” the Mayor gave up. “Alright. So what do we do?”

Ponyville Botanical Expedition team scientist Flower Power sidled up to the Finance Secretary. “Long time no seed, Bit,” she joked. “Nice farewell party you organized here.”

“Oh, Flo,” the chestnut mare chuckled. “I haven’t seen you for so long! And plus, you’re going to help us so much here!”

“That I have,” the scientist couldn’t resist whipping out a few photographs of the fuchsia flower. “Can you believe how beautiful this flower is? The petals, the stamen… no wonder everypony is going bananas for this thing!”

“Of course, of course,” the Finance Secretary began. “Well, hopefully not literally bananas.”

Her university mate raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Well… you know… the Cutie Pox.”

“Oh!” Flower Power shook her head. “The Heart's Desire's got no link to Cutie Pox at all.”

The bureaucrat responded with a raised eyebrow. “And you figured that out in only a week?”

The scientist lowered her head in thought. “We might need more testing,” she admitted at long last.

Right where I want her to be. “Good. Do all the testing you need to,” Bit Coin concluded. “And perhaps you should inform the press about that? We certainly don’t want any, uh , unnecessary disturbances in Ponyville.”