//------------------------------// // How to Pit Your Dragons Against Another Dragon and Have Them Mostly Come Out in One Piece // Story: How to Train Your Dragons // by carnivale //------------------------------// Spike was already climbing the steep, jagged cliff edge of the mountains beside Canterlot, Twilight hanging off his tail threads like a flailing dragon-shaped piñata. The CMC struggled up the rocky terrain, their hooves grating painfully along the fissures and jags, not quite able to catch up to Spike, who had his adrenaline flowing because of his damsel in distress in disaster. Applejack had Pinkie under one scaly arm – who, of course, was still fitfully passed out like Berry Punch on New Year’s Eve – and Dash had her claws wrapped around the orange dragon’s waist as Scootaloo griped and struggled. Fluttershy was shuddering uncontrollably on Sweetie Belle’s withers, gulping loudly whenever she accidentally looked down to the fields below. The sun’s rays beat down on each one of them, causing the journey to be more than harrowing. “You know, if I had known we would be whoopin’ a dragon’s hindquarters today, I would have brought my sledgehammer,” Rainbow Dash sighed, a bit of a bragging edge evident in her voice. Scootaloo giggled in consternation, and Applejack simply rolled her eyes and looked back at her with a thin mouth. “What?” she said. “You don’t have a sledgehammer,” Applejack mumbled, looking back to the front, though it was mostly to herself and Dash didn’t show any recognition of hearing it. Sweetie Belle lightly tripped on rock. Fluttershy squeaked noisily at the sudden contact, burying her head into Sweetie’s mane and shivering uncontrollably like she’s just been introduced to a vampire queen. After a few moments, however, she timidly peeked out of a column of hair. “Uhm – HIC – d-do you maybe think we c-could – HIC – turn around and – HIC – go h-home?” Spike whipped around, giving Fluttershy a stare that screamed, Hell for the sake of no! and earning a wicked slap to the flanks from the dangling lavender dragon on his tail. Rainbow Dash’s lips trembled in a watery smile. “Fluttershy, do y-you have, the hiccups?” She burst out laughing, trying to utter more words but they were blocked by her guffaws. Fluttershy blushed deeply. Applejack clapped Rainbow Dash upside the head. Dash yelped and rubbed her scales, looking at her friend with her lips drawn up. “What?” she asked for the second time that day. “I think,” Applejack began solidly. “we should be coaxin’ Fluttershy along instead of makin’ fun of her, you dig?” “Yeah, I dig. I dig a nice bag of Cheeto’s and – “ “Hey, how about a song!” Pinkie exclaimed, a wide smile plastered on her pink face. Her head had shot up, and she had been conscious for Celestia knows how long. Applejack yelped in surprise and nearly dropped her onto a sharp stalagmite that threatened to cleave her head in two. “Huh? When did you – “ Dash slapped Applejack’s cheeks rapidly, yet lightly, her eyes wide in relevant horror. “Buck buck buck buck buck – “ she repeated like a mantra. “Sugarcube, what are you – “ “Yeah! A song sounds great!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, giving a little skip and scaring Fluttershy half out of her wits. “Nooooooooooooooooooo!” Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight shrieked. Pinkie Pie drew in a humongous breath – And – “Come along with me And the butterflies and the bees We can wander through the forest And do so as we please. Come along with me To a cliff under a – “ “I think my eardrums imploded,” Rainbow Dash said dully. Pinkie then shot her friend a look, a look that was quite irritated. Dash nearly recoiled. “You potato! You interrupted my song!” “Don’t call me a potato!” Dash demanded, nose wrinkling. Pinkie raised her eyebrows, a wry smile gracing her lips, like she was up to the challenge. “PO – “ “Pinkie, no.” “TAY – “ “No!” “ – TOOOOOOOO!” The Crusaders broke out laughing until their sides split. Dash’s face drooped, and she dropped it in her claws. “For the love of – “ “Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Twilight spoke up, sound mildly irate through her cold. She crossed one arm over her chest, on account of her other clawed hand was used to cling onto Spike’s short, green tail. The others pondered why she preferred it there instead of on the pony’s back. “We’re almost there, anyway.” Fluttershy peeked her head out of Sweetie’s mane and peered up at the cliff edge, her eyes widening when the gaping maw of a cave came into view. She gulped. “I see it, y’all!” Apple Bloom declared, pointing at the cave with a yellow hoof. “Oh, boy, I can’t wait to get our dragon-slaying cutie marks, don’tcha agree?” “Yeah!” Sweetie Belle cheered. She gave a little skip, and regrettably bashed her nose into Scootaloo’s rear. She blushed, then narrowed her eyes as she noticed something when the orange filly didn’t turn around to scold her. “Hey, Scoots, you haven’t talked to whole trip. What’s going on?” In Scootaloo’s mind, there was a lot going on. Her brain had been revving the whole trip, Oh my gosh, Rainbow Dash is on my back, she’s on my back and she’s riding me, she’s actually riding me so hard and – “Huh?” She thought she heard something. “Were you even listening to me?” “Eh, no, not really,” Scootaloo admitted. Rainbow Dash chuckled, and the orange filly blushed. Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes, but then laughed anyway. “Shhhh!” Twilight hissed in her clogged voice. She put a claw to her lips, then pointed it towards the cave entrance. “We’re here.” The four ponies and the five dragons stopped in front of it, straining their necks to take a better look. Twilight picked some rocks out of her feet while Applejack carried Pinkie off of Scootaloo’s back and Rainbow Dash followed. Fluttershy trembled in Sweetie’s mane, the ivory filly coaxing her into departing. When nothing worked, the filly gently shook her off until the yellow dragon fell like a feather to the ground. Dash helped her friend up and dusted her own self off. “Ah, this is going to be totally awesome! Am I right, squirt?” She nudged Scootaloo’s shoulder. Scootaloo nodded vigorously. Fluttershy was still shaking. “May I please die? Like, right now?” she asked quietly, holding her legs in a shuddering stance like she was about to pee. “Sorry, Sugarcube,” Applejack said. “but dyin’ will have to wait for another day. We got a friend to save, and we’re not even in the cave yet.” “O-oh.” “I guess you’re right,” Dash said dismissively. “But I would have preferred it if one of you brought, like, maybe a fan, up here. I don’t think this mountain mist is good for my complexion, but, I dunno.” “Well, actually, mist is great for a dragon’s scales,” Spike told her, his voice prim and deductive like a scientist’s. “Oh, really? Okay, because I really like my body to – “ “Oh, will you two please shut up?” Applejack shouted politely. Dash’s shoulder rose up to touch her cheek and her arm went to the opposite waist, her face taking on a look of apathy. “Okay, jeez. Who pooped in your ponyflakes this morning?” The fillies snickered. Twilight sighed irately, shaking her head. Her foot tapped against the ground. “Okay, guys, let’s just go in and – “ “Oh! Oh oh ooooh!” Pinkie Pie started bouncing on her scaly tail, her body a pink blur as she bounded up to the cave’s maw. “I know! Let’s sing a song while we walk in there! I know tons of songs about caves! Who’s with me?” “NO!” everypony shouted in unison. Pinkie stared at them, unamused. “You guys are party-poopers.” Twilight rolled her eyes back into her skull. “Alright, now let’s go in. But, I think we should all go in at the same exact time, so – “ Suddenly, a gut-wrenching scream echoed from inside the cave. Fluttershy shrieked and hid behind a bush. Spike’s ears stood erect, and he looked beyond in horror. The rest grimaced, and Sweetie Belle clucked her tongue just once. “Yep. That sure sounds like Rarity, alright,” she analyzed. “Rarity!” Spike shouted, raising his hoof out like he was reaching for the last cookie, and his life depended on it to steal that cookie. “But soft! what light through yonder window breaks! It is the east, and Rarity is the sun.” Then, he ran in the cave, screaming more Poneo and Juliet quotes as he went. “Wait! Spike! What did I say about sticking together?” Twilight groaned, clapping a claw against her face. “Don’t worry, Twi, I got this!” Dash declared suddenly. She leapt onto Scootaloo’s back and snapped off a branch from the nearest tree. She swept up Fluttershy as well, and pointed the branch out in front of her like a jousting stick. “This is gonna be so sick,” Scootaloo said, mostly to herself. “CHAAAARGE!” Scootaloo reared her front legs into the air for emphasis before bolting into the mouth of the cave, Dash’s cries and Fluttershy’s screams reaching out towards them as echoes as they went. “Oh, for the sake of all things holy!” Twilight muttered. “Let’s just go, Twilight. That whole ‘sticking together’ thing didn’t really work,” Applejack said, clutching Pinkie under her arm again and hopping onto Apple Bloom’s withers. “Yee-haw!” she cried. Twilight took the memo and hopped onto Sweetie Belle’s back. Side by side, they all rushed to meet up with their friends. The cave was dimly lit, dank and musty. The light streaming in from outside was the only source, but they had no troubles seeing what was in front of them. Stray gems and jewels decorated the floor, and soon enough they led to a larger area in which heaps and piles of them sat, glimmering temptingly. And, beside them, lay the largest dragon they have ever seen. The spikes on its back shot up like mammoth tusks, and the gleaming purple scales decorating its body shone in the very little light that filtered in. Thankfully, the dragon was sleeping, but its snores were incredible and shook everypony’s bones to the core. Fluttershy squeaked again, her lungs deteriorating any words that could come out at any moment. All she managed to utter was a lame, “Oh – HIC – dear.” “Totally. Awesome,” Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo said simultaneously. The entire group had stopped a few feet before the dragon’s abnormally long nose, and were staring at it with malice, perturb, determination, and horror. The CMC hoof-bumped and murmured their dragon-slaying catchphrase together in low voices, giggling. Applejack clamped a clawed hand over Pinkie Pie’s mouth when she dared to break out into song. Twilight rubbed Fluttershy’s back reassuringly, and Dash silently determined how she was going to size this bad boy up. Fluttershy quietly murmured, “I – I don’t know if we should do this, you guys.” Applejack smiled warmly at her. “It’ll be alright, Sugarcube. We’re all in this together, ya hear? Just be positive. Can you do that for me?” “Positive. Right. Okay.” She puffed her chest out, yet it was a meager attempt. Dash sighed. Just then, Fluttershy, reared her head back, sucked in a mighty breath, and shouted quietly, “Fus ro yay!” They all stared at her, blinking. Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “She’s a dragonborn,” she breathed. “Oh, will you shuddup!” Applejack said haughtily. Dash chortled. Unfortunately, for the lot of them, they hadn’t noticed the dragon beginning to stir. The gems rustled, however, with the dragon’s last movements, and everypony slowly turned around. Their eyes widened as the dragon rose – five, ten, twenty feet in the air, stretching out its limbs and making abhorrent hissing sounds with its teeth. Suddenly, a black puff of smoke blew from its mouth as it snorted and yawned, then slowly flickered open its bright amber eyes. Fluttershy was trembling even more, now. Her teeth chattered relentlessly. “T-too l-loud?” she managed to squeak. “Well, Sugarcube,” Applejack said, her eyes not leaving the monster. “I reckon you were this time.” Sweetie Belle shook. “Well, now I’m not really that eager to get our dragon-slaying cutie marks anymore,” she admitted, crouching low to the ground and burying her muzzle between her forelegs. Apple Bloom nodded. Scootaloo smirked and blew out a puff of air like it was no big deal, yet inside she was screaming like a newly-born foal. “Okay,” Dash said, scrutinizing the dragon and flexing her arms. “Let’s kick some tail here!” She flew up to the dragon’s bridge-of-a-nose, too sly and fast for Applejack to catch her tail in her mouth. “Yeah, go Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo cheered, pumping an orange hoof in the air. Dash winked at her. “This won’t end well,” Twilight groaned, covering her eyes with her hand. Applejack nodded and patted her friend’s shoulder. “Hey, gems-for-brains!” Rainbow Dash yelled into the dragon’s gaping nostrils. “I don’t think your momma’s here to kiss you goodnight, so I’ll do it for you!” The cyan dragon whipped around in a three-sixty, sticking her hind leg out and hitting it straight into the peak of the dragon’s nose. Her tail-spikes skidded across its scales, and the gigantic dragon shook its head irritatingly. The dragon growled, sizing Dash up and raising its tail, ready to strike. Rainbow Dash barely had time to flee before it rammed its spikes right into her plated chest and sent her tumbling through the air. Haphazardly, she smashed right into the rock wall of the cave, her body leaving a little dragon-splayed imprint as she groaned in pain. Everypony turned away. “Oooh, that’s gonna leave a little bruise in the mornin’,” Applejack said. “Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, just walk it off, walk it off!” Twilight told her. Dash gave her a mutual thumbs-up sign. She slid down the rocky wall, face-planting on the floor with another groan. Spike snarled, baring his teeth at the dragon. “Where is the lady Rarity?” he demanded like a child, stomping his hoof against the floor in rage. The dragon huffed, crossing its arms over its lengthy chest. He stepped aside, sweeping its arm in the direction of another pile of gems. Suddenly, the gems rustled, and a white-and-purple dragon sprouted out of the top of it, shrieking, “Gems! Gems, oh precious gems!” before diving back into the pile. “Oh. Well, then,” Spike said, blinking. “I see she’s not in horrible danger – but you should still give her back to us, you beast!” The dragon growled deeply, baring teeth the size of a regular pony. Smoke curled out of its nostrils, and he dug his claws into the heap of gems in which Rarity was swimming through. “Don’t touch her, you mongrel!” Spike screamed. “Wait, look!” Twilight sniffled, and tapped Spike on the shoulder. The humongous dragon seemed to have the heart of a puppy. He clutched a squirming Rarity in his claws and held her against his cheek, in which he rubbed against her affectionately. Everypony swore they heard the dragon purr like a kitten. “Whaaaaat,” Spike deadpanned. “I’m sorry, Spike,” Rarity said, sounding quite shameful. “But… I promised him my virginity if he let me take some of his gems over there.” Rainbow Dash – who seemed to have recovered quite quickly – burst into laughter, tears of mirth streaming out of her eyes. She collapsed to the floor, ribs on fire. Spike looked like he had almost been hit by a car. “Wait. What’s a virginity?” Pinkie asked, looking like she was counting something on her fingers. The three younger fillies voiced her question, as well. “Er – you guys ain’t quite mature enough to know that yet,” Applejack said, her face growing warm. Twilight raised her eyebrow, motioning towards Pinkie Pie – then her mouth made the shape of an O when she realized. Spike looked quite hurt. “Well. Fine. It’s not like I wanted your virginity either!” he yelled like a lost foal, bending his head lower to the ground. “I… can’t… GET UP! AHAHAHAHA!” Dash cackled. Everypony stared at her before closing their eyes and shaking their heads. Twilight gritted her teeth and clenched her tiny fists. “Can we please just have Rarity back? We promise we won’t ever bother you again,” she yelled up to the dragon still clutching their friend. The dragon put a claw to his lips, deep in thought. Then, in one quick motion, he closed his eyes and shook his head abruptly. Everypony groaned in exasperation. Just then, Applejack got an idea. It was a totally absurd idea, and everypony would probably hate her for it. But it was the only chance they had – even if their ear drums were to be popped like fresh kernels of popcorn. She cleared her throat, and tapped Pinkie on the shoulder. She turned to meet her eyes, and Applejack winked at her, motioning to the dragon. Pinkie got the memo, and stalked right up to the dragon leering over the cavern. “Wh-what… what is she doing?” Fluttershy asked timidly, momentarily peeping out of her hiding place in which she had been cowering like a lost puppy. Pinkie Pie put on her best war-face she could ever possibly muster, sucked in a lungful of air, and began to belt out loudly: “Giggle at the ghosties Guffaw at the grossly Crack up with the creepy Whoop it up with the weepy – The dragon shook its head, trying to rid the sounds from his ears like they were bombshells. He growled in agony. “Chortle at the kooky Snortle at the spooky Annnnnd tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you then he’s got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing just makes you wanna… He he he ha ha ha Laaaaaaauuuugh!” The pink dragon basically screamed the last line out, her voice a shrill high-pitched symphony, the humongous dragon before them pounding at his ears with his fists and dropping Rarity in the midst of it all. Luckily, Spike seemed to have been expecting that. He dashed just under to where the ivory dragon was falling and caught her on his back. He then gave her his best heroic smile and kept mumbling like a mantra that he forgave her for earlier. “Nailed it!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We got her! Good job, girls… good… eh… j-job…” Applejack looked at her, concerned. “Twilight, sugar? Are you feelin’ okay?” “Y-yeah… I just… ah…!” “Oh, shish-kebobs!” Rainbow Dash said, grabbing Applejack and guiding her away from the lavender dragon. “She’s gonna sneeze again.” “And… that’s a bad thing?” Apple Bloom inquired, puzzled. “Yeah! Remember?” Apple Bloom and the rest of the Crusaders scratched their heads, still blatantly confused. “I… I don’t follow.” “I told you, remem – “ A – A – ACHOOOOOOO! “’Ho, boy,” Applejack muttered. She crossed her heart over three times as the sudden plumes of magenta mist began to curl around them for the third time. Fluttershy squeaked in fear. The CMC made sounds of confusion. Twilight groaned. The group squeezed their eyes shut as the confused roars of the dragon permeated their ears. They didn’t black out like last time, however, they felt their bodies changing. As the magical smoke finally cleared away, everypony had a chance to study themselves. “Hey, my cold’s gone!” Twilight exclaimed, rubbing a hoof against her nose. Then, her eyes popped out of her head. “Hey! I got hooves again!” She exhaled a breath of relief, stomping them against the ground just to make sure it wasn’t an illusion. “I guess that sneeze was just waitin’ to clear it all, huh?” Applejack said, studying her own hooves and adjusting her Stetson atop her head. “Thank heavens.” “Awww,” Spike droned, staring down upon his stubby legs and striking claws, looking quite crestfallen. “I don’t look heroic anymore.” Rarity flipped her mane and fluttered her long, black eyelashes. “You’ll always be heroic to me, Spikey-Wikey.” She kissed him upon the nose. He blushed deeply, his head spinning with stars. Fluttershy and Pinkie were preening something of their own; Fluttershy with her feathers, and Pinkie Pie fluffing her hair so it poofed exactly the way she liked it. The trio of fillies were scrambling every which-way, making sounds of awe as they examined each other’s flanks. They were shrieking in delight, and everypony looked their way to find out what was going on. “Hey!” Applejack said, eyes wide with shock and gratitude. “Y’all got your cutie marks!” And indeed, they have. Their flanks adorned the same image – a dragon with a knife sprouting out of its chest. Rarity recoiled with a disgusted look on her face, but feigned a smile all the same when Sweetie ran over to show her more clearly. Apple Bloom sucked in all of her sister’s praise with a smug grin. “Now, how did that happen?” Applejack wondered aloud. “I’ve never heard of three ponies earnin’ the same cutie marks at the same time…” She glanced over to Twilight with inquiring eyes, earning a blush and a small, shameful smile in return. The fillies just giggled in delight, unknowing and uncaring. Scootaloo was buzzing her wings in anticipation, eager to show her idol what she had accomplished. Her eyes darted everywhere, her smile fading slowly when she didn’t pinpoint the pony she was looking for. “Rainbow Dash?” she called. “Hey, where’s Rainbow Dash?” “I’m… over here,” a melancholy voice said from behind a large boulder. Scootaloo’s face brightened, and she began to race over to her. “Rainbow Dash, look what I – “ “Don’t come any closer!” Dash demanded, her voice cracking. She held up a blue hoof, and the filly stopped in her tracks, looking quite hurt. “But…” was all the orange filly could mutter. She felt sudden tears prick the corners of her eyes. “Rainbow Dash, what’s wrong?” Pinkie asked. “Does Miss Grumpy Gills need a hug?” “No! Just… don’t look at me.” “What’s the matter? Did something happen to you?” Twilight inquired. A pause. “I guess you could say something happened to me.” Her voice cracked again. “Well, whatever the something is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.” “Trust me, it is.” “Oh, come on! We’re all friends, here.” They heard Rainbow Dash give a large, exasperated sigh. “Fiiiiine.” Slowly, the cyan mare got up on all fours, and slowly receded from the boulder, avoiding to meet the eyes of her friends as she walked out. “I don’t see what’s wro – “ Twilight gasped harshly. Dash flinched. “What in tarnation?!” “Oh, good grief!” “Rainbow Dash! Your… your…” They all shrunk back as Dash fully came into view, a dour frown on the blue pegasus’ lips. They stared at her hindquarters, which was distinctly and utterly, bare. “Good heavens, darling!” Rarity cried. “What happened to your tail?” “I don’t know!” She shrugged helplessly and shrunk back against the wall. “Well,” Applejack began. “Whatever it was, it must’ve been the tail end of a disaster, alright.” Everypony burst into capacious laughter. Rainbow Dash growled, baring her teeth at everypony in turn. Applejack wiped her eyes, blowing a raspberry at her friend between fits of guffaws. “Yeah, yeah, keep laughing you stupid – “ Suddenly, Pinkie Pie piped up after wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. “Hey, where’d the dragon go? He was right ther – oh.” Everypony turned around to follow her line of vision. They were confused for a moment, then their eyes widened. “Oh, my,” Rarity said, stifling laughter. No leering, purple dragon was in plain sight. Instead, in the place of the dragon, a fat, pink pig stood, oinking up something awful. Everypony looked at the pig, then each other, their eyebrows shooting up into their bangs. “Well, crap,” Dash murmured. Applejack snorted. The pig squealed gutturally, its eyes lined with fear. It gave another shrill squeak before darting out of the cave entrance, surely falling into the abyss called Canterlot below, though the group couldn’t tell if it did or not. “Well, I do believe we should be heading out, now,” Rarity said, stifling a yawn, acting as if a pig never appeared in the first place. “My beauty sleep is positively important, now darlings.” When the ivory unicorn turned around, Sweetie Belle did a positively snooty, accurate imitation of her. The fillies laughed, along with the rest, and it was funny because it was indubitably spot on. Spike was the only one who looked upon them skeptically, turning around to join Rarity on her walk out of the cave. “Now, as fun as an adventure that was,” Twilight said. “I do have to agree with Rarity. We had a big day, and I’m beat.” “Yeah, let’s go,” Rainbow Dash agreed, mostly done with moaning over her long-lost tail. She picked herself up and began to traipse after the rest, but suddenly halted in her steps and straightened her posture. She put on a full-on smirk. “Another day, another dungeon!” Twilight looked back at her smugly. “Isn’t that from a Daring Doo book?” Rainbow Dash blinked, blushing. “Eh… no?” Fluttershy giggled alongside Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash ran to catch up with them, still red and as tail-less as ever. The fillies continued to fuss over their cutie-marks as they scrambled after the rest of the group. “Mine’s shinier!” Scootaloo bragged. “Mine’s prettier!” Sweetie Belle proclaimed. “Well, mine’s… fiercer?” Apple Bloom said. Their voices were drowned out as they disappeared from the mouth of the cave. Applejack and Twilight were the only ones left in the cave, and they walked out together, side by side and smirking. “So, what do you think they’ll do once they find out their cutie-marks are fake?” Twilight pondered aloud to her friend. Applejack shuddered. “Honestly, Twi,” she said, leaning closer to the lavender unicorn and whispering in her ear, “I don’t rightly want to know.”