Two whole weeks of silence had passed. Two weeks of nothing but the constant check-in from Twilight and other ponies, as I remained in my coma. I was a vicious paperweight on the bed. Watching, to see if you would make the first move.
The look of peace on my face was shrouded by the bandages, as my skin cracked hours after I was brought back to life. Everything but my mouth, nose and eyes were covered. I was given constant sponge baths to keep my skin from dehydrating and smelling all funky.
I would later learn that every time my genitals were washed, I blushed.
(I probably wouldn’t ask who did it, for fear of my shame. And sanity.)
My heartbeat became stronger as the days passed, my lone breaths making my chest rise up and down. Slowly.
Once again, the studious Twilight Sparkle came into my room, and sat on the chair next to my bed. She had brought a quill and notepad with her, just in case. Not like she needed it, she would think. Because every time she checked up on me, I did nothing but lay there. Silently.
“Twilight,” Called professor Indago’s voice as he walked into the room. He sounded like an older version of Big Macintosh, the South in his accent with a strong, experienced edge to it.
“Hmm? Oh, hello Indago.” Twilight smiled at the professor.
His coat was of a simple beige, cutie mark of a parchment and compass. His mane was two-toned, black and dark grey. There was no tail on his rump. His eyes were a light, almost pale blue. “He’s still not awake?” Indago asked, looking to the lavender mare beside him as he stopped walking.
Twilight shook her head. “No...” The shirt that I wore was taken by Twilight (without anypony knowing), and burned. With magic. She didn’t want anyone thinking that I was hostile. Or at least, she took some precautions.
“Heh. He must be one heck of a heavy sleeper, don’t ‘ya think?” Indago chuckled.
Twilight joined him momentarily, saying, “I guess so-”
She was interrupted by a mumble in my sleep. “Ugggh... nooo, not maple syrup...” I croaked out in the groggiest voice ever.
‘Maple syrup?’ Twilight cocked her head at me, before gasping. “He can speak Equestrian!” she exclaimed, looking to Indago.
“So you’re sayin’ that he’s native to Equestria?” The retired explorer raised his brows, before he squinted at me.
“Ugh, uh- huh, wha...” I woke up, making both of their eyes go wide. But my eyes were glued shut. “What is- wh... where... am I?” I spoke in a weak voice.
“You’re in a hospital bed.” Indago replied. He looked to Twilight, and shrugged.
“Why can’t I open my eyes...?” I thought aloud, my face contorting slightly. “W-wait, what happened to me?” I asked, turning my head towards the direction of the voice. I couldn’t feel anything. Nothing at all, not even my clothes. And the smell. This didn’t smell like any hospital I had been in. This in turn caused me to be insecure and uncomfortable.
“Should I tell ‘im?” Indago glanced over at Twilight as he asked this in a whisper.
Twilight thought for a moment. “Hello? What happened to me?” I asked, rather, demanded in a panicky tone. Ergh. My tongue and mouth felt weird too. Not dry, but sore.
Since Twilight didn’t answer, Indago asked, “What do you remember?”
“Being... falling off of the four wheeler, then I just... kept falling, I-I think I passed out...” I answered.
“Four wheeler? What’s that?” Twilight questioned.
Initially, I didn’t render the ultimately familiar voice. “You gotta be shitting me, nurse, come on. You don’t know what a damn four wheeler is? Really?” Although I sounded angry (even though my voice was weak), I was much more disappointed. Was I in the boonies or something?
“Somepony woke up on the wrong side of the bed...” The startled unicorn said to Indago. That wasn’t the answer she was expecting, but then again, I had just gotten up.
“Hah, ‘ya think?” Indago snickered.
“Alright, what kind of underground crack-house-hospital is this?! Where’s Brady? Jordan?” I was panicking, trying to force open my eyes. It was like I needed a damn crowbar to do so.
I lifted up my arms, and heard a giant crack. Out of instinct, I yelped. “UAH! What the HELL?!”
“Calm down, please.” Indago said, stepping forward. “For Celestia’s sake, you’re scaring the hay outta her.” he scolded in a whisper.
The panicked expression I had on my face quickly dissolved, like plasma had been poured over my facial features. “What did you... j-just say?”
“You’re scaring her.”
“No no, no no no, before that.”
“... For Celestia’s sake?”
“Alright, I need my eyes open. Now.” I said, raising my right arm up off the bed, hearing a crack. I ignored it, and made a fist, hearing the stiff joints in my fingers pop like popcorn. I did the same with my other arm and hand, and with both index fingers and thumbs, I pried my eyes open. It hurt, but my vision was insanely blurry. My eyes winced in pain from the sudden intake of light, my pupils expanding greatly. Soon, my eyes adjusted to the bright lights of the ‘hospital’ room around me.
It wasn’t a cartoon world which I was presented; it looked perfectly normal to me. I had expected it to be a cartoony world, as I deduced that ‘for Celestia’s sake’ and ‘scaring the hay out of her’ sounded childish as hell. And that they weren’t normal human sentences. I expected to see something out of the Hub’s cartoon lineup, really. I blinked a few times, and my eyes focused. I looked around.
Once I set eyes on the two figures to the side of my bed, I could give myself a proper examination. One of the figures, the purplish one, turned a standing mirror so that I could see myself. The beige figure stepped aside, as my eyes came into focus. I couldn’t see the people behind the mirror, though. I sort of expected myself to look mangled or disfigured, but I looked fine, from what I could see at least.
But that wasn’t the point. I finally caught a glance of the two ‘people’, after the mirror was moved out of the way.
Oh how broken I looked. It looked like my very soul had just, just literally, spontaneously collapsed in on itself. My left eye twitched, as the awkward silence took over.
And then, my left eye stayed ‘twitchy’. My irises and pupils shrunk, like a pony’s would. A huge, almost ear-to-ear grin that only said one word, spread across my face.
And that word was paranoia.
“Are you... are you alright?” Twilight asked me.
I finally snapped out of it, my facial features returning to a deadpan. “Yes. Actually, I’m fine, but I’m not so sure about my sanity...”
The unicorn perked up its ears at my meek response. Wait a tick. This was a god-damn unicorn! And not only that, it was Twilight Sprinkle. Or was it Sparkle? Either way, why was her voice not a stranger to me? “Why? Is something wrong?” She asked with a newfound sense of concern.
I couldn’t help but crack a smile across my bandaged face. “Nothing’s wrong... nothing’s wrong...” I said calmly. Afterwards, I sighed silently in relief.
“Oh... o-... okay then.” Twilight sounded quite a bit confused. “Could I ask you a... few questions, if you don’t mind?” the unicorn asked.
As soon as I heard her ask that, my smile grew. I had imagined myself in this situation, but not in a hospital bed. Hell, none of my fantasies involved a damn hospital. But, that wasn’t an issue here. “Go right ahead...” I coughed a little bit. My throat was rather dry, after all.
“Okay. For one, I’d like to know your name. If you... if you have one, that is.” Twilight said.
The stallion sighed, and headed for the door. “Well, I’m off. Gotta get back to Appleoosa, my wife’s probably worried sick about me.” He left the room.
I knew it rhymed with Jack. Now, it wasn’t that I didn’t remember it. But being in a thirty-two thousand year-long lucid dream then dying upon being thawed out doesn’t exactly help your memory, okay!?! “Z... Zach, I think?” I replied.
“What do you mean, ‘you think’?” Twilight cocked her head at me.
I sighed. “How long was I under? There was this looong, loooooong lucid dream. Can’t really remember a lot of things. Not that I forgot them, but you get what I mean. Too busy living out my dreams... in a dream, heh, dreamception.” I chuckled a little bit.
Twilight chuckled, just because she didn’t exactly know what else would make me feel comfortable. The forced laughter was waaay too obvious. “Well, you were... unconscious for longer than you could imagine. Heck, all I can do is guess.”
“What, was I cryogenically frozen or something?” I asked. ‘Didn’t know pony technology exceeded that of Earth. Then again, I could be wrong...’
“Cryogenically?”
‘Nevermind then.’
“Ah, nevermind, I don’t know how to explain it. But seriously, how long was I out for?” I asked solemnly.
“Two weeks after you were thawed.” she replied. Hold the phone, thawed?
It was starting to come back to me. The ice. The frozen wasteland. Falling down. Crying. Succumbing to hypothermia. Dying.
Me pissing myself. Oh for God’s sake, why did that memory come back?
“Are you... crying?” Twilight asked, her voice full of concern and worry.
Knowing that I couldn’t lie, I just nodded and sniffled as my facial bandages were stained with tears.
“What’s... what’s wrong?”
‘OHHH GOD, NOOO!’ I cried out mentally in agony as I clenched my teeth, closing my eyes. Tears just flowed. If you really wanted to make me cry, all you had to do was ask what was wrong when I was on the edge.
I was crying because I both hated the fact my body was split from Earth, and loved being in Equestria at the same time. How did your handsome and sexy hero (not really) know that this was Equestria? Well, for one, I was a Brony. And two, with my fantasies during my lucid dream state, I never forgot about Equestria. As two thirds of my fantasies involved it.
I was going to miss my family and best friends, that was for certain. Every good thing that happened to me, all my hopes, my dreams! And my chances of getting to Heaven were utterly crushed! I doubted that there was Christianity in Equestria, highly doubted it. And I know that by what you’ve seen so far, I probably looked and sounded like the kind of guy who would rather burn a Bible than read it. But you can trust me when I say that there was a path to being a Christian- and clearly, there was a wrong turn there for me. Or as a good friend of mine would say, ‘The road to bad is easier to take than the one to good’. That saying goes for many things as well, not just religion.
At this point, the sounds created by my throat were like someone about to throw up. Gagging and choking on my own breaths in an attempt to hold back my cries.
Twilight was about to get the trash can next to the bed for me to throw up in due to this. She hadn’t heard somepony- no, anything cry like this in her entire life. Not even herself. But there was nothing for me to heave. All the nutrition I’ve had in the last two weeks of my rebirth had come in a liquid form. Is that why I tasted grass and alfalfa earlier?
She was seriously starting to feel sorry for me, who was still crying. Unsure of what to do to comfort me, she thought of hugging me. Soon, she decided to do just that. “I-... it’s okay,” Twilight said, softly embracing me. She was slightly surprised at how warm I was. People in my family tended to be ‘warm-blooded’, if you would.
‘No!’ I seriously despised being physically comforted when crying, it just made me feel like I was being babied. Not that it didn’t make me feel good (not that way, you perverts out there), but still. My sense of touch and my nerves were slowly returning to me. Her embrace was soft and delicate. “Why is my skin so moist?” My nethers also felt strange. As if I had just been showered. Both eyes of mine opened up in shock, making me stop crying. “Did you...” I couldn’t find the words.
“Did I what?” Twilight looked at me in confusion.
I sighed. “I mean, do... do you know if somebody- er somepony, washed me? I feel like I was just in the shower...”
She also sighed, but her sigh was unable to be picked up by my ears. “Well your skin was going to crack and dry out, not to mention smell bad if we left you there,” the unicorn told me. As she spoke, her voice was getting quieter and quieter. “That aside, we needed to know a bit more about your anatomy... so...”
‘Is she, is she blushi- oh God, please don’t tell me...’ “You checked me out, didn’t you?” I deadpanned, resisting making a shit-eating grin.
“W-what?! No! It wasn’t THAT kind of checking-out!” Her eyes went wide as she got off of the bed. Her ears fell a bit against the sides of her head, the pink hue against her purple cheeks looked a bit odd. Very cute, though. “We just needed to know more--”
That did not stop the laughter that my lungs were barely containing. I wanted to hold back. Immediately, I regretted it. My lungs and facial muscles were unable to handle all the stimuli which were assaulting my senses. Damn my sense of humor. Damn it to hell. “Shh shh shh shh...” I held an index finger up to her mouth while I said this, silencing her. She went cross-eyed, looking at my finger. With a tone that blatantly stated my struggle with the laughter, I continued. “It’s fine. But you know, you could have just asked me.”
“Are... are you sure, Zach?” Twilight’s facial features returned to normal.
“Yeah. Anyway, you had more questions for me, I think?” A small smile cracked across my shrouded face.
And so began the great “Question Barrage.” I will spare you the details, as some of these were pretty stupid- Like ‘Why do you have no fur on your body?’ and ‘Why doesn’t the human penis have a sheathe?’. Yeah. She asked that.
Not even kidding.
- - - - About Two Hours Later...
“A-are we done?” I asked, fearing for my life. She better not blackmail me. I would destroy her if she did.
“Well, yes and no. There were several reasons I decided to interview you now. First, since you’ve been in a coma, I was hoping these questions would clear your memory and make your brain start working again.” She stopped there, smiling at me. “Two, you’re still suffering from muscular atrophy and who knows what other conditions. This period allowed yourself to get acclimated to the current environment. Third, I was so excited to learn more about you! Not everyday you get to meet a living fossil!”
‘Twilight, you really are a bitch sometimes. I am not a fossil.’ This would not be the only time I thought this to myself. Still, she did revive me, so I kept this to myself. For now, at least.
“Lastly, I was buying time for others to get ready to meet you.” She said.
“Well...” Trying to think of a proper word to say, even though it was extremely obvious, the previous reasons for interviewing did make sense. I needed some real food though, and something with protein. My damn ribs looked like they were attached to pale white skin. Almost like a skeleton.
At least though, I was too numb both physically and mentally to realize it. I did, however, feel the weakness all over my body.
“I guess, thank you?” I looked at her with a tiny smile.
She nodded in response. “You’re welcome.” As she looked at my face, she giggled. “Aww, aren’t you so cute? Just like a puppy fossil!”
“...” If I had the strength to facepalm, I would have. But unfortunately, I didn’t. Damn you Windows 7! Something needed to be blamed. Even though I didn’t exactly like being called a ‘cute fossil’, I blushed and looked away.
“I was just joking, Zach.” Twilight chuckled at me.
“Sure you were.” I rolled my eyes, before looking up at the ceiling. “Huh, would you look at that. Gullible’s written on the ceiling.”
“What?” Twilight glanced up, and she looked back down at me, with a confused look on her face.
“Call me cute again, and you’ll regret it once I’m feeling better.” I threatened, with the cold wrath of doom in my tone. Not like it did much for me- I doubted that I was capable of even slapping her across the face without getting my arm broken. Why would I do that over somebody calling me cute, anyway? Because I was more handsome than I was cute. And when someone called me cute, I just hated it. More than ‘fossil’.
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh... you, don’t like being called cute?”
I just shook my head in response. “Nope. Just do me a favor by not calling me cute, Twilight. I answered your questions. Is that too much to ask for?” My whole was dead, I looked weirdly Halloweenish, and I was stuck in a world that had no Arizona Green Tea. Geez, show some compassion. I coughed, before a ringing sounded throughout my head. I winced. I hadn’t been fed in a little while, and it was starting to get to me.
“No, I can do that.” She shook her head, before she saw me wincing. “Z-... Zach?” Twilight looked at me with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“... Hungry...” was the only word that came out of my mouth.
“I’ll be right back then,” She said, quickly rushing out of the room to get me some food. Or at least, a poor excuse for food.
While she was gone, a thought just popped into my head.
“I missed the Equestria Girls movie... dammit.”