My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E26: The Best Night Ever

At long last, Cheerilee got up from her chair solemnly, having failed to find a cure and now very much late for class. "Well," the elementary schoolteacher consoled gingerly, "at least, as a normal pony, you won't have to deal with Filthy, you won't have to charge kids with treason, and you won't have to get arrested. So it's not all bad."

"Mm-hm." Mayor Mare remained in her funk. Normally, there was work to distract her from the impending doom: but with Election Day so near, most government duties had been suspended, ostensibly to prevent any last-ditch attempts at power abuse. Yet with it came a lack of work - and, with that, came endless ruminations and pained melancholy.

Cheerilee sighed and shut the door behind her.

The pitter-patter of morning rain continued incessantly. A half-eaten breakfast slouched greasily in front of her. Mayor Mare remained motionless, her figure slumped over the table, her eyes unfocused in front of the newest edition of the Express, its headlines written with an unabashed glee:

None of this really helped alleviate the gray-maned pony's dark thoughts.

Over and over again, she consoled herself silently: it wasn't really your fault, was it? Nightmare Moon, the Parasprites, Twilight's lawsuit - you couldn't have stopped those! And did ponies expect me to disobey the Princess' orders? Or break my promises to the Ponyville electorate? None of this was your fault, Mayor Mare; none of this was your fault!

The tan pony sighed once more. Sure, none of it was her fault, but there was no point in appealing to counterfactuals. The point was that Mayor Mare, at least in the public perception, was responsible for these acts. And if she was to win, she had better break that image that the public had cast for her.

"Ohh," Mayor Mare groaned, holding her head in her hands. "But how can I change what the ponies think of me!"

Now the tan pony was never one to give up so easily. Yet the problem was one of motivation. With such a large difference in the polls, it was hard to find the inner strength to continue on fighting. What she needed was some inspiration-

Twinkle.

The politician suddenly looked up. "Wha- "

And before she could finish her speech- whoosh. The room suddenly reverberated with the sound of a sudden wind. The Express flew away from the dining table into the kitchen sink. And then, slowly - the Mayor slowly realizing what was happening - a bright light materialized in the living room, growing larger and more defined until-

"P-Princess Celestia!" the tan mare, following the well-worn procedure (but perhaps, never in the privacy of her own home), scrambled to her hooves and prostrated herself in front of the sovereign. "H-hail the Princess!

The alicorn casually dismissed the flattery, preferring instead to examine closely her surroundings. "A modest home, Mayor."

The bespectacled mare remained on the ground. "I am honored, Your Highness."

"Arise, Mayor," the alicorn reclined on top of the sofa, her bulk easily filling up a space designed for two. "Please relax. This is your home, after all."

"Thank you, Your Highness- " the gray-maned pony replied, moving to her armchair.

Once settled, the Ruler of Equestria immediately gave the lie to her previous declaration. "Now, to business, Mayor. Some say that you have been rather... lax in your campaigning, as of late."

Mayor Mare looked down. "Well, Your Highness- "

"Mayor, I know you know you are going to win," Princess Celestia was in little mood for excuses. "But you still have to pretend..."

The politician, still gazing at the floor, replied with silence.

The alicorn pressed on. "Well?"

Mayor Mare gave up any attempt to whitewash her response. "Your Highness," she stared at the dread Lady. "I just don't see how I can win with these numbers."

Princess Celestia's eyes widened momentarily before her face sunk into a frown. "So, you don't think I can do this," she extrapolated.

"Oh, no! Your Highness!" the tan mare, terrified at the prospect of such a powerful enemy, jumped off her armchair and prostrated herself in front of the sovereign.

The Ruler of Equestria was not fooled with such antics. Impatience tinged her voice. "Arise."

The bespectacled mare remained on the ground, quivering all the while.

"Arise, Mayor," Princess Celestia ordered. She continued once her subject obeyed. "Is it motivation that you need, Mayor."

"W-well... " Mayor Mare began.

The alicorn took that as assent. "Think about this, Mayor. In one term, you have done more than any of your predecessors have done."

The politician ruminated on that fact.

"You have been a great service to Ponyville, as well as to Equestria. Countless times you have saved not only your town, but the whole land from enemies external and internal, pony-made or natural. Nightmare Moon. The Parasprites. My sister's educational policy. These are great deeds, Mayor. You will live forever in history."

Mayor Mare blushed. "Why, thank you, Your Highness- "

Princess Celestia looked away. "And after all this, you'll have a mere Lyra Heartstrings be your downfall? You'll let her be the one who conquered you?"

The tan mare's jaw slackened, not really knowing what to make of that. "Well, I- "

The Ruler of Equestria narrowed her eyes. "I will take it as a gross insult if you turn out to have so little faith in my ability to save you."

"Well," the bespectacled pony burst out impudently, "tell me how you're going to save me, then!"

A silence as the alicorn slowly took this frustrated outburst in stride.

"You realize I have to maintain neutrality," she resumed at last. "So exactly how, I cannot tell. But it will exist, I assure you."

The politician tried one last attempt. "But how am I supposed to co-ordinate if- "

"Well," Princess Celestia got out of her sofa and prepared to teleport herself back to Canterlot. "In that case, assume that I have already given you the prerequisite help. Now go out and campaign for your position."

The thought of having the all-powerful Ruler-Deity of the land behind you was not as comforting as Mayor Mare would have expected. The Princess' continued refusal to discuss concrete plans of action seemed to belie her repeated assertions of support. Perhaps she does that with Lyra as well, the politician thought bitterly.

However, the risk of incurring royal wrath - of being accused of mistrusting the Princess herself - was too much for the tan pony to accept. That counts as motivation, I guess.

The rain was slowly drying up as the politician nimbly skirted past shallow puddles on the road to Sweet Apple Acres. Step One was complete: the Mayor was now motivated - compelled - to fight for her seat. But what after that? Her unpopularity was still there.

Well, if I can't get mass popularity, I could at least try for elite popularity.

A half-awake Applejack answered the door. "Oh, uh, howdy, Ma'am," she yawned uncontrollably. "Sorry for this. Darned Gala wasted my time."

"Ms. Applejack," Mayor Mare was keen to get to business. "Voting is in two days. You remember our- "

"Yeah, yeah, I do," the orange pony rubbed her eyes and waved her hoof around casually. "We Apples keep to our deals. Y'all can be sure no farmer's votin' for Lyra here."

The politician wanted to make sure. "If it helps, Ms. Applejack, there will be something in it for you if I win- "

"That ain't needed, Mayor," the country pony flopped a limp foreleg around. "An Apple's word is everythin'. Y'all don't need worry 'bout us."

Easier than expected. Mayor Mare smiled. "Thank you, Ms. Applejack."

The phone crackled into life on the other end with the aristocratic tones of Fancy Pants. "Ah, Mayor."

"H-hello, Mr. Pants," the Mayor broke out into a pained smile, even though nopony else could see her do so.

The Canterlot stallion was not ill-informed. "You're here about the Ponyville election, I presume."

Mayor Mare gave her silent assent.

Fancy Pants knew the drill. "You know, there is a patch of land at the edge of the Everfree Forest that I- "

The bespectacled mare needed no further instruction. "Done. Yours."

The magnate grinned happily. "There's also this law that- "

"Only my re-election will secure that change for you, Mr. Pants."

"Indeed."

The tan pony lapsed back into silence, waiting for Mr. Pants' side of the deal.

A chuckle from the other side of the line. "A press release, Mayor. We'll get a press release over tomorrow."

"Thank you, Mr. Pants- "

Beep. The line went dead.

The tan pony put down the receiver, the weight on her soul slowly fading away. Still, none of this really affects the actual vote-

Knock-knock-knock. "Hello?" Mayor Mare shouted at the door. Probably some stupid volunteer...

"Ma'am?" a voice from the other side answered back. "Message from Mr. Rich!"

Filthy Rich stubbed out his cigar and immediately whipped out another stick of tobacco from his pocket. "Caviar, Mayor?" he asked, leaning over to serve the politician. The smell of expensive booze and nicotine was repellent.

"N-no, thank you," the tan pony declined tersely, wondering why the magnate had decided to hold this one-on-one meeting with her in this (probably quite expensive) private room.

The industrial baron understood. "I've heard that you've been hard at work trying to get re-elected, Mayor," he began, offering a metaphorical olive branch. "Meeting with the Princess... the Apples... Mr. Pants... all that. Influential ponies, indeed."

"Yes." And your paper hasn't made my job any easier!

Filthy Rich reclined back in his armchair, leaving Mayor Mare to her own devices. He cleared his throat. "You know, I do feel a bit left out."

"You do," the tan pony retorted, not sure why the owner of the Express was expecting any different.

"I am doing a lot of damage, Mayor," the millionaire sneered, pouring himself out a glass of LaFetlock 943. "I am important here."

Mayor Mare decided to mince no words. "I can't change you."

Filthy Rich contemplated that for a few seconds. "Yes... and no," he muttered pensively.

"Really?" The bespectacled pony nodded furiously, instinctively jumping at this opportunity for detente.

"Hmm... environmental restrictions- " the industrial baron declared.

Mayor Mare decided to promise first and darn the consequences - for the moment, at least. "Will disappear."

"Labor unions- "

"Will be taken care of."

"Industrial taxes."

"Will go down. Well, yours anyway."

Filthy Rich grinned. "Well then. Glad we can do business, Mayor. It's always nice to have allies on both sides of the aisle."

And as a start, he extended a hoof of truce.

A crisp and warm Election Day night as Cheerilee, out of courtesy more than interest, put down her copy of National Velvet and joined Mayor Mare in front of the television. "Good day for you, then."

Mayor Mare put down her copy of the Express. The headline on it could not be louder and clearer: BUSINESS ELITES WARN: ELECTION OF LYRA HEARTSTRINGS WOULD CAUSE 'CHAOS' WITHIN PONYVILLE. "It's been a good day."

The purple schoolteacher felt compelled to be cynical. "So what did you let Filthy get away with, then."

The television set was re-broadcasting a particularly painful interview with Lyra Heartstrings.

"So, Ms. Heartstrings, rumors are flying around that you believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials in the universe. Do you have any comment on this?"

"Nothing," the bespectacled mare lied. She remembered, of course, that Cheerilee had been the one that turned the industrial baron against the politician in the first place.

"Well... um... er... yes. I do believe in them. There's no shame in admitting to that- "

"But don't you think, Ms. Heartstrings, that such a belief shows a callous disregard for facts? Is that something we want in a future Mayor?"

"Er... " the lime-green unicorn stammered. "Umm... well... "

"You must have done something," the violet mare continued to verbally poke. "Everypony was turning out for you when I was voting in the schoolhouse. I know for a fact they couldn't all have supported you a week ago."

"Whatever," Mayor Mare leant back and relaxed.

"On to other things then, Ms. Heartstrings. Now, what do you make of the Princess Celestia's speech today?"

A clip began to play. "Dear citizens of Ponyville, you have my heartiest thanks for participating in the great civic exercise of voting. This is especially important given the numerous incidents that have occurred within the town. But every time, Ponyville has risen up again from the ashes, stronger and better than ever before. And as such, we need to be reminded of the importance of good leadership... "

"Don't just 'whatever' me!" Cheerilee snapped irritably. "You know darn well what is going on! Tell me!"

"Everything is normal," the tan pony brushed the inquiries off.

The television interview continued. "Ms. Heartstrings, let's now talk about the recent accusation of the EAT - that's Equestrian Agency for Tax, for our foreign viewers - that your partner, Bon Bon, has been evading tax for a decade now. What do you have to say to those?"

"I've said it earlier this morning and I'll say it again. It's not evasion! It's totally legal... " Lyra protested in vain.

The schoolteacher's ears twitched dangerously. "You must know," she muttered, the calm before the storm, "that Sweet Apple Acres has, for some strange reason, suddenly found the money to take on three hundred new employees."

"Really?" the gray-maned mare continued to close her eyes, a smile creeping on her face.

"You must know," Cheerilee's speech became ever slower, "that there seems to be an abnormal amount of pegasi voting in a Ponyville election."

Mayor Mare nodded sagely. "Interesting- "

"Mom!" the cherry pink-maned pony yelled in frustration. "How am I ever going to be able to teach Equestrian politics to the kids!"

"There's always the syllabus," came the nonchalant reply.

Cheerilee's face swelled into a crimson red and she began shaking fiercely-

"Shh!" A timely intervention from Mayor Mare. "The results! Here we go!"

"Hello, and welcome to our special coverage of the Ponyville Election tonight! I'm Timberwolf Blitzer - and I'm Racer Meadow! Wow, what an amazing day, Racer, and what a triple whammy to hit Ms. Heartstrings in the morning!... "