My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E24: Owl's Well That Ends Well

1. Equestrian Army Billeting [ ]
2. Ms. Sparkle's Application for an Owl Permit [ ]
3. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

"Present arms!"

The strident tunes of the Przewalski March resonated throughout the crisp morning air, determinedly rousing Ponyville's citizens from their slumber.

Mayor Mare set down her agenda and turned to the purple unicorn in front of her. "Equestrian military. The Princess took your dragon sighting very seriously, I reckon."

The bookish unicorn nodded. "Sorry if any of this was my fault."

"Nothing to do with you at all, Ms. Sparkle; I'm sure of that. Now what was it that you wanted to see me about?"

"Oh! Right," Twilight cleared her throat. "Well, you see, I've gotten a new helper for the library. He's an Owl. Owlowliscious. And he really likes it here- "

"It's as good as done, Ms. Sparkle. Thank you for helping me conduct the survey again," the tan mare nodded. "Now, if you would ask Ms. Coin for the relevant registration forms... "

Finance Secretary Bit Coin was flipping half-heartedly through the ledger, trying to find the relevant department for owl registration. "Hmmm... " she mumbled pensively.

With the Mayoral elections pending, the chestnut pony found herself in a peculiar dilemma, one which she had spent countless nights mulling over in tortuous silence. And darn it, solving that dilemma took precedence over everything else, including official work.

The Finance Secretary had no illusions about her actual status in the bureaucracy. After all, she was really just a junior bureaucrat, who had found herself elevated way beyond her stature due to... unfortunate circumstances that removed all the higher levels of the Ministry of Finance. She was really a caretaker Secretary, a holdover in lieu of better candidates. And every time Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon looked at her, she swore he saw that twinkle in his eyes, reminding her of her real place in the hierarchy.

She couldn't go back to being ordered around again. She just couldn't. Not after this - not after all this time as Ministry head - even if her tenure was a bit stormy, what with bankruptcy and all that. She had ascended into bureaucrat heaven, and now she was expected to go back down and live with the mortals?

"No way," Bit Coin muttered under her breath as she continued flipping through page after page. She had to find a way to keep her job.

But how? By being responsible for some big success, of course.

But what big success? That was the real problem...

"Oh, Celestia," the chestnut mare groaned. "Get a hold of yourself!"

Shaking her head in an attempt to rid herself of these worries, the Finance Secretary focused back on the task at hand. "Right," she declared in determination. "Owl Office. Owl Office. Owl Office- "

What the- ?

Her eyes double-checked the writing on the page. Owl Office - disestablished. Position of Keeper of the Owls, as of writing, still vacant (since 950).

"What... ?" Bit Coin mumbled again, seemingly unable to comprehend what was in front of her.

Yet somewhere, deep down in the recesses of her mind, a little plot was hatching.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," Bit Coin peeked shyly through the door to the Mayor's Office. "But there's a teeny tiny issue with Ms. Sparkle's application that I'd like to discuss with you with."

"Oh. Uh, sure, Ms. Coin." Mayor Mare put down her latest copy of the Express. She gestured towards the seat. "Please don't tell me you can't do it," the politician speculated, half in jest.

The chestnut pony grimaced. "Uh, yeah, about that... but Ma'am, there's good reason for it!" she quickly added. "And I think there's an opportunity here, Mayor!"

"An opportunity?" the gray mare's ears perked up in rapt attention. "You mean, like votes?"

"Um, sure, Ma'am," the bureaucrat reached into her saddlebag. "It's a pretty rare situation, in any case."

Mayor Mare received the thick ledger and opened it on the bookmarked page. "Alright, Ms. Coin. I'm all ears."

Bit Coin tapped the relevant words on the paper. "You see here, Mayor: we can't process Ms. Sparkle's registration. The Owl Office's been disestablished since 950."

"Oh." The Mayor was slightly underwhelmed.

"But we can re-establish the Owl Office if the Princess re-appoints a Keeper of the Owls to oversee the whole organization," the Finance Secretary explained slowly and deliberately.

"Ah."

Don't foul this up! "So yeah, Ma'am, since you're in the Princess' good books, I suppose it wouldn't be too difficult to have her appoint you as the newest Keeper?"

"Well, I... " the Mayor began, the faintest of glints in her eyes.

The chattering aristocracy of the Hall of Lords fell silent as Mayor Mare regally stepped into the exquisitely-decorated room, draped in the best finery that Equestria could offer her. The Princess Celestia and Luna walk up to her, graciously accepting the tan pony's bow. They shake her hoof. And then, the regal duo stand back, heads held high, and proclaim to the great houses of the land: "All hail Lady Mare, the newest addition to the Equestrian nobility!"...

"Mayor?" the world slowly drifted back into view. Bit Coin was frantically waving a hoof in front of the entranced politician. "Answer me, please, Ma'am!"

"Uh... oh!" the tan pony sat back straight in her seat. "Oh, yes... sorry, I got distracted... that is an excellent idea, Ms. Coin! Amazing! I couldn't have thought of it myself!"

The Finance Secretary broke into a not-so-modest smile. "Well," she hinted, "I hope I've been able to help in some way."

"Oh, of course you have, Ms. Coin!" Mayor Mare reached over and patted her subordinate thankfully. "Of course you have!"

"You as Keeper of the Owls, hmm?"

Even Princess Celestia, who owed so much to Mayor Mare, had to show a bit of reticence when the tan pony pushed forward her little proposal. "This is nobility you're tampering with, Mayor Mare," the alicorn gently reminded her subject. "Being Keeper of the Owls has always been a noble privilege. Even if the position has been little more than a sinecure ever since the decline of Owl Post."

"I understand, Your Highness," the tan mare quickly clarified. "But really, I'm not after the position. I just think that having the few extra Owl Office jobs could be beneficial. For Ponyville, of course."

"Of course." The sovereign mumbled to herself as she poured out another cup of tea. "That's what they all say."

Silence fell onto the hall as Princess Celestia slowly pondered over her options.

"How about this," the Ruler of Equestria eventually proposed. "Provisional idea: I'll downgrade the position of Keeper of the Owls to junior non-hereditary nobility. This shouldn't shake up the aristocratic hierarchy too much. The Lords should accept it."

"Hopefully," Mayor Mare concurred. It wasn't what she was aiming for, but the politician was fine with second-best.

"You can call me Lady Mare from now on," a beaming Mayor Mare cheekily grinned to an equally jubilant Bit Coin. "I'm heading into the Hall of Lords - the Princess will be sending over the form soon!"

"Oh, Ma'am, that's brilliant!" the Finance Secretary fawned over the bespectacled mare. "And the position is definitely well-deserved, considering how expertly you led Ponyville over so many disasters during your tenure!"

The tan pony abruptly paused in response. "None of them were my fault, mind you," she reminded her subordinate.

The chestnut pony's joy came to a shuddering halt. She tried to find some way of defusing the situation. "Well of course not!"

A smile returned to the Mayor's face. The duo shared a little chuckle.

"Well anyhow," the bespectacled pony cleared her throat in mock-seriousness. "It's not about the position."

"Sure."

"It's about Ponyville, and the jobs and prestige it will bring to the town."

"Sure."

"And the comfort that our leaders are watching over- "

Mayor Mare's continued justifications were suddenly interrupted by the sound of the opening door on the other end of the room. "Hey! Can't you see that the room's occupied?" Bit Coin shouted angrily to the intruder behind her.

The response was not one which the Finance Secretary was expecting. "I beg your pardon?" it haughtily demanded in return.

Bit Coin swiveled around in her chair, realizing, too late, who she was talking to.

It was Baron Rouge of Strix POSM., SSS., HP., General of the Equestrian Army, Ponyville Sector, his uniform neatly pressed, medals - Celestia knows how he had earned them - glistening on his chest.

Needless to say, he was not amused at being treated like a servant. His aristocratic mustache bristled dangerously.

"I beg your pardon," he repeated.

Bit Coin scrambled off her seat and prostrated herself in front of the noble, knowing full well what the Baron was demanding. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Baron- Sir, I mean! I didn't realize it was you!"

The stallion huffed imperiously. "Hmph. Dismissed."

Thus chastened, the chestnut pony scuttled out of the room. "Uh, we'll continue our discussion later, Ma'am!" she squeaked as the door shut behind her.

The Mayor, now stood up for fear of causing further insult, quickly guided the general to her own chair. "Please, general. Apologies again for any unintended insult."

"Yes." The stallion was keen to get to the point. "Now, I have received word that you are about to be the newest addition to the Hall of Lords."

"Oh, thank you. Sir. Your Lordship," the Mayor smiled cheesily.

She swore she saw Baron Rouge's mustache twitch slightly once more. "A tad premature, Mayor," he declared . "Keeper of the Owls, you are to be, no?"

"Um... yes, Your Lordship," the Mayor answered uneasily. "Just a junior- "

Baron Rouge's face lived up to his name, flushing a dull crimson. His mustache's twitch was intensifying. "I will have you know, Mayor, that the Strix family has had a monopoly on being Keeper of the Owls."

Evidently not, Mayor Mare dared not say aloud. "Your Lordship, I'm sure the Princess will award you a higher title- "

The general's whole body shook with an uncontrollable rage. "So my ancestors are going to be demoted because you need a rank?"

"Ummm... " the bespectacled mare grasped around for loose straws to catch, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. "Uh... well... you see... "

Wait! Her mind suddenly came upon the devil of an argument. "I'm sorry, Your Lordship," she asserted confidently. "But these are the Princess Celestia's orders, you see. I can't possibly refuse them- "

"You shall do so!" Baron Rouge exclaimed.

The Mayor shrugged. "It would be a gross insult to the Princess if I rejected her entreaties- "

The general looked away in annoyance. "Mayor, Ponyville is under my military jurisdiction. I could make things very difficult for everypony involved."

The politician saw through the bluff. "It is your duty to protect Ponyville, Your Lordship."

Baron Rouge smirked. "And so it is. And, you know, I've been thinking that we need some changes to Ponyville. In the interests of better protection, of course. Dragons are dangerous creatures."

Uh oh. "L-like what?" the tan pony unwillingly asked.

"Like, oh, I don't know, permanently taking over Market Square for use as a Parade Ground. Flooding the outlying farms to create natural obstacles. Demolishing half the town as firebreaks. Something like that. I know election time's coming up fast," he turned back to the defeated pony, eyes flashing an evil glare. "But we do need these defenses.

Mayor Mare gulped. So close! "Um... so... Your Lordship... what are your terms?"

Baron Rouge cleared his throat in victory. "Firstly, Mayor, I want you to decline the position and offer me up as Keeper of the Owls... "

Bit Coin moved fast to consolidate her own crumbling position. "To be fair, Mayor, I only suggested it to you, because I genuinely thought the Owl Office could present Ponyville with more employment opportunities."

"Uh huh." The tan mare glared at the chestnut pony. "All ten jobs. That's going to make a difference."

"Every bit counts, Mayor. Every bit counts. And," the young mare added as an afterthought, "it's what Financial Secretaries are supposed to do."

Mayor Mare snorted in anger. "Financial Secretaries aren't supposed to suggest tactics that end up in Ponyville paying tribute to the Equestrian military." She gestured to the newest edition of the Express. SUPINE CITY'S EXCESSIVE SOLDIER STIPEND, it roared in faux indignation.

Bit Coin shrugged in indifference. "As I said, Ma'am, I didn't think you would ask for so much."

The bespectacled mare was positively spewing steam out of her ears.

But at least the Finance Secretary had completed her mission. "At least, at the moment, it's a governmental problem, Mayor," the chestnut pony hinted. "We're all in this together."

"Argh!" Mayor Mare once again found herself in a corner. "Alright, I'll make sure you'll remain as Finance Secretary, okay?"