//------------------------------// // Chapter 9- Mo' Money, Mo' Migraines // Story: Building Walls, Burning Bridges // by MonolithiuM //------------------------------// "No. No. No no. Uh-uh. Mmmm-nah. Noperoni. Like Tartarus!" Quick Script sorted through several letters offering varying offers for her interview. Said interview was still locked up tight behind her under half a ton of soiled bedspreads and socks. "Oh, sure. Like I'd take that much!" She threw another crumpled letter in the trash. "So… frustrating…" She opened up yet another letter, and she cocked her head at the peculiar script. She squinted her eyes as she attempted to read it, but ultimately shook her head and put it to the side. "I'll need a translator for that, I suppose." Script continued to sort through her mail, dismissing or outright tearing them apart through her magic. She came to the very last letter in her mountainous pile. It was addressed to her, from Ponyville. "Ponyville? What…" She tore it open and began reading. Dear Ms. Quick Script, Here in Ponyville, we have taken offense to Mono's curt and rude behavior towards the Princesses. We have seen him humiliate and insult them on live Transistor, as well as doubt their life-giving power and endless grace. We have reached out to Fillydelphia, Manehatten, Appleoosa, and your fair city of Canterlot for those who agree with us. The results we obtained were staggering, and so we have bound together to support the decision that would oust Mono from Equestria. Already he has caused problems in our fair nation. He is hurting our traditions and customs, as well as our way of life. Surely you can relate? Don't let this little Tartarus Fiend burn down Equestria. A concerned, loyal citizen, Lyra Heartstrings \\\\||||//// "Lyra Heartstrings?" Mono sipped his morning tea slowly, listening to Quick Script's explanation of the civilian complaint. Script's face contorted into worry. "Mono! I have to give this to the Princesses! I don't have a choice in the matter! Even if it is addressed to me, I am required to pass it on to the Princesses if it involves foreign affairs," she explained quickly. "But we're in Equestria," the human countered. Quick shook her head. "But you are still a foreigner. You haven't even taken the citizenship exam. As of right now, you are an illegal alien!" Mono became deathly quiet, the sound of birds chirping being the only stimuli. Mono suddenly threw his tea, cup and all, out the window. He stood up and zipped over to Script in the blink of an eye. "What do we have to do?" "IT BURNS, IT BURNS!" Mono's gaze shifted to the window. "Ignore that." \\\\||||//// Quick Script sat at a table with Mono in the Royal Library. Several books lay upon the table, ranging from etiquette to history to mating positions. "Let me just, grab that back…" The embarrassed mare scooped the book back into her saddlebag and blushed heavily under Mono's critical eye. With a snort, he flipped open the first title. "Ah. So history first! Now you should start at-" "Done." "Wha- What?" Quick Script stared at Mono's serious deadpan expression, as well as the closed book in front of him. She gaped at the back of the cover and turned her attention to the boy. "That book was eight-hundred pages long!" She snatched it up and flipped through with her magic. Closing it, she looked right back at Mono. "How?" Mono grabbed another book, and opened it carefully. With a wry grin, his body began to vibrate, and he turned his attention to the book. His eyes blurred back and forth as his hands sped through the pages. Slamming the book closed, he passed it to the shocked mare. "Super speed, remember? I assume that anything in my body or in contact with it experiences the same effect. I have the ability and right to cheat, don't I?" His smile grew wider while he grabbed another book. Tearing through it, he continued unhindered by Script. An hour later, and Quick Script was leading Mono down the halls to meet the Princesses. \\\\||||//// "Are you ready to begin?" Mono nodded quickly. "Very well. Name?" "Mono Nucleosis." "Are you a resident of Equestria?" "Why yes, and my brother is an alicorn!" "Get serious, Mono." "Fine. No. I am a resident of the city of Townsville, USA." "Townsville? You can't really expect us to-" "Ponyville? Yeah, shut the hell up, Lulu." "Moving on. And sister, calm yourself. Age?" "None of your business." "Why so protective?" "How old are you, granny?" "…" "That's what I thought." "Occupation?" "Kicking ass and taking names." "I thought I told you-" "Do you have a problem with my profession? I get six figures and health benefits, so shove off." "Any family, friends, or distant relatives in Equestria?" "More like business partners, so no." "Who founded Equestria?" "The three pony tribes, united under a single banner due to the friendship of three ponies." "What were their names?" "Private Pansy. Clover the Clever. Smart Cookie." The questions and answers continued to flow, the Princesses both surprised at Mono's perfect and spot-on answers. "What is four-thousand and seventy-three multiplied by eighty-six?" "Three-hundred fifty thousand, two-hundred and seventy eight." Luna crossed her hooves and pouted. "Damn." "Very well, it seems you have passed the Equestrian Citizenship Exam, as impromptu and unexpected as it was. You are now a full Equestrian Citizen with the same rights and responsibilities as everypony else." Mono beamed, getting up from his sitting position and moving towards the doors. Celestia cleared her throat and the itty-bitty human turned his head to meet their gazes. "Not so fast Mono," Princess Celestia chimed. Luna's face twisted into a dark grin. "You have nearly a week's worth of unpaid fees from the palace, as well as the taxes applied to them." Mono's shocked expression seemed to darken the area around him with an oppressive gloom. Three lines traced down from one wide, black-rimmed white eye while his jaw hung past his head to reach his chest. The Princesses laughed maniacally. \\\\||||//// Fancy Pants' jaw hung wide. "Eight-thousand bits!" He paced back and forth from one side of Mono's room to the other. "How are we supposed to scrounge together eight-thousand bits?" "I have until the end of the month, when's that?" Quick Script shifted her gaze to Mono with a shred of disappointment. "Get a calendar…" "That's the end of June, Mono! That's two weeks away." Fleur was picking through a saddlebag furiously, throwing papers and magazines about frantically. "We can't cover that much! We'd need help! The nobles maybe, but…" Quick Script put a hoof on Mono's shoulder. "Mono. There is something we can do." Mono turned his head to look up at the red mare. "I'm not going to like this, am I?" She frowned slightly. "Nope." \\\\||||//// "You have a proposition to offer us, I believe?" Luna sat in her throne alongside Celestia, and Twilight stood to Luna's side. Mono fidgeted with his hands momentarily, then scowled and forced them into his pockets. He grumbled in response. "Hmm?" Celestia perked her ears. "Yes," Mono strained out of his teeth, which were currently trying to pulverize each other into enamel dust. Oh? And what would your offer be?" Mono looked away, a blush coming across his cheeks from the flushing anger rushing through his very being. His hands retreated from the confines of his pockets as fists, and they shook while he clenched them tightly. "I'll let each of you…" He grit his teeth with fury. "I'LL GIVE EACH OF YOU WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ANYTHING INTIMATE!" The three Princesses regarded Mono curiously. The bite-size human pulled the front of his hat over his eyes in a sorry attempt to conceal his rage. The large set of red veins on the top of his head was plenty of indication. "I PICK FIRST!" Luna's hoof shot into the air before Twilight's, and she grinned victoriously. Looking down upon the fuming human, she demanded her token. "I will enter into your dream, and pick through your mind about your favorite hobbies and activities." Mono shifted uncomfortably, but groaned and crossed his arms. "Fine." "Magic doesn't work on me anyway," he thought in relief. Twilight spoke up next. "I would like to personally test all types of magic on you, including Princess Luna's Dreamsculpt magic." Luna wagged her hoof. "Ah ah ah, dear Twilight! Dreamsculpt is not magic," she grinned whilst looking right at Mono. "It's a telepathic connection to any living being currently under the effects of mental hibernation, also known as dreaming." "Fuck me sideways, backwards, and upside-down." "Oh, well alright then, Princess. You next Princess Celestia." Celestia placed a hoof to her muzzle, scrutinizing Mono and his uneasy expression. After a full twenty seconds of straight staring at him, Princess Celestia closed her eyes and spoke. "You are to demonstrate your understanding of Friendship to a team of highly esteemed individuals studying magic, including Twilight Sparkle." "Okay…" "While you bake a cake and ride a unicycle." "Just push that little red button. Got it? Cool…" Mono slammed his head into the floor fast and hard enough to make the floor buckle. The solid marble floor. "Princess Celestia~ Mono broke physics!" Twilight whined over Mono's growing migraine.