My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E23: The Cutie Mark Chronicles

The Agenda:
1. Education Inspectors! [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Mayor Mare banged her heavy head onto her desk, not for the first time this hour. "This. Is. Terrible!" she declared in exasperation. "How could Celestia do this to me!"

"Indeed." Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon tried to comfort his superior through understatement. "But we still need a plan for when the Princess Luna's inspectors arrive."

"I have a plan," the Mayor Mare mumbled. "Wash my flank and prepare to get a royal hoof up my- "

"Now now, Mayor," the gray stallion chided sternly. "This will not do. You are one of the few ponies that holds the fate of Equestria in her hooves. What you do will affect future ponies for generations and generations to come." Come on, come on, surely your ego must be bigger than this!

"Urgh!" Mayor Mare wiped her head against the lacquered wood.

"Come on, Mayor. You've already built up this gigantic coalition around you for your re-election, what with the Apples, Ms. Sparkle, the Ponyville Teacher's Union... it'll be such a shame to let this all go to waste," the bureaucrat prodded further.

The tan mare thumped her hoof the table a few times. "Yeah, like that's going to help- wait, that is going to help here!" The gray-maned mare's head suddenly shot back up. "Ms. Applejack: she has a sister, right?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, yes she must have one - I was going to charge her for hawking without a license!" Ideas rushed back into the politician's once-stagnant brain. "Yes, yes, this will work; this will work! Oh, I am so going to save Equestria now!" The politician clapped her hooves together in anticipatory glee.

For the first time in years, Crimson Ribbon found himself outflanked and in the dark. "What will work?" he inquired, not liking his position one bit.

Mayor Mare was too excited to gloat. "Oh, don't you see? If I can arrange things so that the inspectors have to interview Ms. Applejack's sister, then we can concentrate all our resources on her! We'll pull off a flawless victory!"

The Secretary for Administration tried to regain the initiative. "The inspectors are going to summon ponies randomly."

"Oh, Mr. Ribbon," the tan mare winked at him. "I'm sure there are ways of always getting the person you want in a random selection."

The bureaucrat shrugged, a tiny bit of spite bubbling up to the surface. "I can't make them select the same pony every single time," he apologized. "Not unless you decide to make her the only pony in school."

Mayor Mare drew back, amazed that her subordinate would find such a suggestion incredible. "Well, obviously that's the only way to make them choose the correct person."

"But we don't WANNA be Cutie Mark Crusader Ultra Bookworms!" Applebloom bawled vainly against her sister's orders.

"Y'all darn better be Cutie Mark Crusader Ultra Bookworms when this is up!" Applejack shunted the yellow filly through the front door. "Else somepony's getting grounded until Hearth's Warming!"

The orange pony gruffly slammed the door shut. Applebloom noted the lack of hoofsteps trotting away from the door. Her sis was sure keen on ensuring that she - and her friends - stayed with Twilight and Ms. Cheerilee.

Scootaloo was unimpressed. "Ms. Cheerilee, you can't give us detention outside of school!"

The purple schoolteacher was in a conciliatory mood, surveying the pile of books she was about to inflict onto her hapless victims. "I'm so sorry, all of you. This isn't detention. This is something much, much more important. Me and Twi- Ms. Sparkle, I mean - need you to concentrate and give everything you've got. I promise, after these two days are over I'll make it up to you fillies."

"No homework?" Sweetie Belle was ready to make the most out of a bad situation.

Cheerilee considered. "Nothing for three months."

"School trip?" Applebloom pressed the assault.

"Alright. We'll go to Canterlot."

Twilight saw that the orange pegasus was still in her funk. Perhaps a bribe would help. "Scootaloo, I couldn't help but notice that you're a big fan of Rainbow Dash," she said.

"Rainbow Dash wouldn't make me do such unfun things," came the curt reply.

"Well... " Twilight decided to go full-out. "You know, I could tell her to give you some of her stuff... you know, so you can make a fan club or something like that... "

"Oh, really?!" Scootaloo jolted back into life. "You would? You would? You mean like her picture? Her drawings? Her cap?"

"Sure, sure," the lavender unicorn waved a hoof around casually. "You write it, I'll get it."

"ALL RIGHT!" the little pegasus leapt into the air with glee. "Let's do this!"

Teaching Objective One: Check. Cheerilee unrolled the scroll which detailed the subjects they had to thoroughly cover within two days. She showed it to Twilight. Twilight looked at Cheerilee. They both gulped. Let's hope their brains don't explode halfway through.

"Alright," the Mayor Mare was ready to tackle the next obstacle. "Now, we have to find a way to get rid of all of Ponyville's youth on the day that the inspectors come along after this weekend."

"School trip?" Crimson Ribbon suggested.

"Cheerilee said that she's the only one who's qualified in Ponyville to take them out on trips. Union rules. Plus, she needs to be there. Make sure nothing bad happens."

The bureaucrat tossed out another idea. "You could just close down the school, I guess."

"Perhaps that's a little too obvious," the tan mare said sarcastically. "You remember that I have to keep this stuff a secret."

"Of course, Ma'am. Then how about finding asbestos in the school building."

"That won't impress the education inspectors."

"Hmm." The gray pony lowered his head into his hooves. "So what we need is something that strikes only the irrelevant students, and yet won't trigger any additional suspicion."

"Well, it's easy enough to keep Applebloom and her friends out of harm," Mayor Mare said pensively. "It's the suspicion bit that is kind of difficult- "

"Food poisoning," Crimson Ribbon interrupted.

The tan pony looked back at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"Food poisoning. If we do the kids in during lunch hours, then you can bring in the inspectors in the afternoon. Then they'll only have the ponies we want them to interview. And they wouldn't be able to ask any of the patients."

The bespectacled mare frowned. "Bit unethical."

"Well, you do want to save Equestria, don't you?" the Secretary for Administration opined. "Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Or breaking almost all of the eggs, in this case."

"And it's a vote loser," Mayor Mare elaborated. "'Incompetent Government Can't Protect Kids.' Lyra's going to have a field day with that."

"It's only going to be minor poisoning," the bureaucrat assured her. "We're not killing the students. The story'll blow over soon enough. Plus, being in the Princess Celestia's 'bad' list is probably something you don't want to do."

The tan pony sighed. "Well, I guess that'll have to do, then. I can't believe we're actually discussing this. This is just... wrong, on so many levels."

The Secretary for Administration was too seasoned to let puny moral qualms get in the way of governance. As if other choices you've made didn't involve tradeoffs. "It's just utilitarian calculus, Mayor. Utilitarian calculus."

"And this is why the Vanhoover Compromise of 847 was important," Twilight Sparkle droned on to the half-asleep room. "So now, do you fillies think that the Polar Bear Nation negotiated in good faith, given the circumstances?"

"Oh, who cares?" Scootaloo didn't bother stifling a yawn. "This stuff isn't interesting at al'... Vanwhatever... Comwhatever... whenever... it's all the same to me... "

"Fillies!" the intelligent unicorn pleaded in vain. "You have to remember this! The inspectors are going to ask you about it tomorrow!"

"But we don't even know why they're goin' to ask this stuff tomorrow!" Applebloom whined, all the knowledge in her brain slowly melding into an impenetrable sludge. "And it's too much! I ain't rememberin' all of it!"

Cheerilee interjected. "Fillies, why don't you have a little- " she reconsidered. "Ms. Sparkle, can we just talk for a moment?"

"Oh, finally!" Sweetie Belle couldn't be more relieved.

"You know, this isn't working," a nervous Cheerilee got to brass tacks immediately. "The system just wasn't made for this kind of learning."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Twilight hissed. "I got roped into this because of your mom!"

"Well... " the schoolteacher tilted her head at Princess Luna's educational proposals. "We could just use that, you know."

"What, that?" the magical unicorn glanced back to make sure. "What's the point of all this then? We'd just be proving that Luna's system is superior to our current one!"

"The inspectors won't know that!" the cherry-maned pony retorted. "And plus, Luna's judging according to her own benchmarks: of course they're going to show that her system is superior!"

The magical pony was still unsure. "I think it's still like killing animals to stop others from eating their meat."

"Look," Cheerilee glanced at the clock handles, which seemed to be moving double time. "Princess Celestia won't be happy with you if we fail this."

"I- " the purple unicorn decided not to protest any further. "Alright. Fine. Equestria first, I guess. Should have a couple of feather dusters in the cupboard... "

Three educational inspectors, clad in immaculate tweed, sat grimly in the middle of a near-empty schoolroom. Opposite them sat three cowering schoolfillies: the Cutie Mark Crusader Tutorial Survivors.

Cheerilee stood behind the inspectors, brandishing a feather duster in one forehoof. "You'd better remember," she mouthed at the fillies, who quickly nodded in terror.

"Ahem," the ancient voice of the Chief Inspector finally croaked at his prey. "Now, you are cognizant of the fact that we are here to assess Ponyville's educational attainment. Each one of you will be asked several questions pertaining to the educational level of each subject that is expected of you. You will be expected to give an answer that is well-reasoned and presented."

"Wha- ?" Applebloom started. Cheerilee violently drew a forehoof over her mouth, her green pupils flashing dangerously. The Cutie Mark Crusaders got the message. They asked no more questions.

"Question One, to Ms. Scootaloo." The Hour of Doom had arrived. "When was the Vanhoover Compromise?"

The orange pegasus's backside jolted with pain at the mention of that darned treaty. "Uh- umm... "

One hard stare, and one subtle flick of Cheerilee's deadly feather duster was enough to encourage the little pegasus' brain to start working again. "Oh. Oh. 847! Yes, yes, 847, that's when the Compromise happened!"

"Congratulations," the Princess Celestia poured out another cup of tea for an exhausted and emotionally drained Mayor Mare. "Princess Luna has accepted that the education system, as it currently stands, is workable. Your actions have indeed saved Equestria."

But not me, the tan mare thought sourly, as she shot another glance at the Express' headline. Food Poisoning Epidemic: Incompetent Government Can't Protect Kids.

Of course Equestria's ruler noticed. "Do not fret about the election, Mayor. I will do much to ensure that you will win. I think you deserve at least that much."

The bespectacled mare snapped out of her thoughts. "Oh, election?" she lied. "Oh no, it wasn't that: Cheerilee was crying and yelling at me for the whole of last night. Saying I made her a 'terrible teacher'. Trust me, that's worse than losing the office."

The alicorn smiled politely. "You have my sincere thanks again, Mayor Mare."

Silence as both parties sipped their brew.

The tan pony decided to remind her sovereign about the earlier promise. "Your Highness, about what you said earlier: I wouldn't want to make you show favoritism or- "

"Oh, let's not talk about politics just yet," the Princess Celestia said calmly. "After all, it is little better than spreading gossip, most of the time. And speaking of which, did you know that Ms. Heartstrings believes in extra-terrestrials?"