//------------------------------//
// Chapter The Second 
// Story: The Nine Trials 
// by InspectorSharpWit 
//------------------------------//


Chapter the Second, or “In Which Chaos Threatens Harmony”

I turn the shower off behind me as I step out, shaking my hair like a wet dog. “There we go, much better,” I sigh in relief as I observe how clean I looked in the mirror. You know, I could probably use a shave… I grab the razor on my sink, run it over some hot water, and slap some shaving cream on my face.
“Ah’ll never get why you shave so much,” a familiar voice chuckles behind me. I turn to see that Applejack was standing in my bedroom with a smug grin on her face. “Can’t you just let yer beard grow out?”
I sigh and wrap a towel around my waist before going out to greet her. “Well Jackie, some people like to stay clean,” I say in a condescending voice. “Unlike you hicks, I actually care about my appearances.”
She punches me on the shoulder. “Asshole,” she retorts, plopping down on my bed.
I laugh and go back to the bathroom to shave. “Did you already call your boss?” I ask conversationally.
“Yeah, he said it was fine,” she called back. “Turns out Ah have about ten sick days Ah haven’t cashed in yet, and the union was fixin’ to force me to go on a vacation anyways.”
“Oh, how awful,” I say sarcastically. “You know when my last day off was? My college graduation!”
“Well, all you do is sit in an office all day and argue with people!” she points out. “Ah’d kill fer a job like that!”
“That’s not true!” I say defensively as I wash the shaving cream off my face. “Sometimes I got to sit in COURTROOMS and argue with people!”
She laughs and lies down provocatively. “You know, we’ve still got about an hour to wait… Ya wanna have a little fun?” she croons.
I grab a small bottle of aftershave off of my sink counter. “Hmm, I dunno…” I say teasingly. “I just took a shower, and I don’t want to get all sweaty again…”
She gives me a little pout. “Aww, please? It’s almost been two days since we’ve had a good rut!”
“Oh no, what a nightmare!” I smirk, patting some aftershave on my face. “I’ll have to think about it, Jackie.”
She walks over to me and presses herself on my back. “All ya ever do is think,” she growls in my ear. “Now’s a time fer action.” She quickly yanks off my towel and starts pushing me towards the shower.
I grin and begin to unbutton her shirt. “Well, since you insist,” I sigh in mock exasperation.
Suddenly, a bright purple flash fills the room. “Hey Sebastian, I want to- Oh,” says Twilight, stopping dead at the sight of us.
I look at her like a deer in headlights. “Oh… Hi, Twilight,” I say lamely.
“Hi,” she squeaks back, cheeks burning bright red.
There’s a long pause before Applejack speaks up. “Uh, we’re kinda in the middle of something Twi,” she says bluntly. “If ya would be so kind to…  Ya know, leave?”
“Sure,” she says quietly, and teleports without another word.
Applejack looks back at me with a leer. “Now, where we?” she coos, kissing my neck.
I push her gently away. “Sorry, Jackie, I’m not in the mood,” I mumble softly, getting up.
Her face falls. “What?! Why the hell not?!”
“I’m just not in the mood, ok?!” I snap at her. “Just please… Get out so I can change.”
With a hurt glance behind her, Applejack walks out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. What did I just do? I asked myself. There used to be a time where I’d chop off an arm before just stopping sex! Now look at me… I mull these thoughts over while I pull some fresh clothes, completely absorbed in my thoughts.
When I’m done dressing up, I look in the mirror. “What’s up with me?” I ask myself.
“I think I might have an answer for that,” a voice chimes behind me. I turn to find Rarity on my bed, looking at her nails in a bored sort of way. “For once in your life, you have a problem that requires more than two brain cells of thought to fix.”
I jump at the sight of her. “How did you get there?!” I ask in alarm.
She looks at me reproachfully. “Twilight isn’t the only one with SOME magical talent, darling.”
“Ok, and now I have a follow-up question: How long were you there?!”
She gives me a smug little smile. “Long enough to see a bit of the drama. I must say, living here is quite entertaining.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose in annoyance. “Okay and yet another question for you: What exactly do you want here?!”
She gives me a seductive leer. “Well, what I WANT is for you to pin me to the ground and treat me like the naughty girl I am… But that’s not the reason I’m here,” she finishes, drawing herself up in dignity.
“Will you just get on with it already?!” I snap.
“Oh, relax, Darling.” she chuckles. “Haven’t you ever heard that patience is a virtue?”
“Ok, now I KNOW you’re purposely drawing this out,” I growl.
She lets out a tinkling laugh. “Well, alright… The reason I’m here is because I’m deeply interested on what’s going on here. This love triangle between you, Applejack, and Twilight is really quite amusing.”
“So you’re just here to rub it in my face how badly I’ve jammed myself into something I won’t be able to get out of? Thanks a lot, Rarity,” I snort in derision.
“Patience!” she says reprovingly. “Now, as I was saying, although I do find this love triangle quite amusing, there’s no way it can maintain its current state of tensions without being blown into something much bigger. Do you comprehend so far?”
“Yeah, I guess...”
“Good.” she says primly. “Now, the problem is that while Applejack and Twilight are rather close, at this state of mind, their relationship is rather strained. Twilight already has self-esteem issues, so this particular blow has left her feeling bitter. She tries to mask this by being overly amiable to Applejack. Applejack, being the sweet little dear she is, feels as if Twilight is trying to ‘horn in’ on her fun, and therefore is attempting to drive Twilight away. She tries being as blunt as possible so that Twilight will finally get the idea without hurting her feelings, and therefore feels that Twilight’s attempts at being nice are false and malicious. Do you follow my train of thought?”
I look at her, dazed and confused. “No.”
She sighs in exasperation. “The point is, darling, that you’ll have to pick soon before someone does something they’ll regret doing!”
“But who do I pick?!” I cry out in frustration. “They’re both great!”
“Well, if I were you, darling, I’d honestly pick Applejack,” Rarity admits.
I do a double take. “WHAT?!”
She giggles girlishly. “I love Twilight dearly, but she’s much too insecure, too easily ruffled, and tends to overthink things. Applejack, on the other hand, is well grounded, easy to read, and is delightfully simple-minded. Plus,” she winks, “she’s got a balcony you could perform an opera on!”
I give her a look. “Really, Rarity? A lady such as you making such uncouth remarks?”
She grins before becoming serious. “Let me continue: In addition, Applejack is much more flexible and would probably be open to more changes than Twilight would. You could probably maintain the same lifestyle you have now without her minding.”
“That’s just it,” I groan, “I don’t know if I want this kind of life anymore! Don’t get me wrong, I like having the freedom I have, but for some reason, it’s getting kind of stale.”
“I would imagine, after sleeping through half the female residents of the complex that you’d tire from it,” she leers.
“Hey! …Shut up!” I say defensively.
She sighs and gets up. “Well, I’ve done the best I could. I hope you make the right decision Sebastian.”
I nod stiffly. “Thanks, I guess,” I mutter.
She kisses me softly on the cheek. “It’ll all be alright, Sebastian,” she assures me. “Things always turn out to be.”
“I hope so,” I sigh.
She gives me a sad little smile and teleports away in a flash of blue, leaving me alone in my room. I turn to the cage at the corner of the room and pull out a snoozing pure-white ferret. “You know, Hermes, our life was so much easier before these damn ponies showed up,” I chuckle, stroking down his fur.
Hermes awakens quickly and crawls on my shoulder. “What, are YOU going to tell me what to do?” I ask sardonically.
He simply nibbles at my ear in an affectionate sort of way. “Yeah, I didn’t think so,” I laugh, more to myself than to him. “Though while all this is going on, I wouldn’t be surprised…”
He climbs down my arm and curls up on my lap, ready to go back to sleep. “You know, you’ve got the attention span of a squirrel on weed,” I sigh, reluctantly picking him up and putting him back in his cage. “See you later, Hermes.”
As I leave the room, I notice a small brown rabbit standing at the door. “Angel?” I ask in confusion. It did look like Fluttershy’s beloved Angel Bunny, but for some reason, he was covered in some weird sticky stuff. Oh yeah… Chocolate, I think to myself, remembering what the Princess had said. Wait… If Angel’s been turned into chocolate… Why hasn’t Hermes? Why would Discord dodge my pet and attack all the others? My thoughts are interrupted by a vibrating sensation in my pocket. Pulling out my phone, I see a text from Twilight, simply saying “We need to talk”. Looks like I have other things to worry about, I sigh as I open the door.
Twilight’s apartment is directly across from mine, so it was no surprise to find her standing there, arms crossed. “Hey, sorry about what happened earlier,” I say sheepishly. “Wrong place at the wrong time, you know?”
Her face stays stone cold. “A few months ago, you said you needed some time to work things out. I’ve waited patiently since then, but now I’m starting to think that day won’t ever come…”
My smile falters. “Twi, come on! You know that I care about you!” I protest.
“Really now?” she says icily. “Well, you didn’t seem to care too much when Applejack was breathing all over you!”
“I told you, it’s a casual thing!” I groan. “She knows that!”
“Does she, Sebastian? Because the look she gave me told me it was much more serious than you let on!”
“It isn’t, I swear!” I say in exasperation. “Look, maybe she’s a bit attached, but we’re just friends with benefits! What you want from me is a lot more serious than what I have with her!”
She sighs. “So that’s the reason, then?” she asks coldly. “I’m just not easy enough?”
“It’s not that! You’re just… A big step forward and I don’t know if I’m ready to take it.”
She lets out a snort of derision. “So you’d rather stand in the mud like the pig you are?”
“What the hell do ya mean, mud?!” an angry voice. We both turn to see Applejack standing in the hall, a positively murderous look on her face.
Twilight blanches. “Applejack, I-I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!” she says in a meek voice.
“Ah’ve had just about enough about you, Miss Prissy!” Applejack yells. “Always tryin’ to play the goody-goody, yer nose so far up everyone’s ass that you can taste the food for them! Ya just want to have EVERYONE lovin’ ya, don’t ya?!”
Twilight’s temper begins to flare. “Oh yeah?! What about you?! Always drinking away at a bar, getting booty-calls every second of the day! Trust me; I know things that you’ve done that would make that hair of yours curl!”
“Like what?!” Applejack says challengingly.
A wicked grin grows on Twilight’s face. “Like your night with Big Mac,” she says quietly.
Applejack turns bright red. “It was ONE time, we were drunk, and we were teenagers!” she cries out defensively.
“Oh, because being drunk is SOOO much better!” Twilight sneers. “Is that your excuse for every other living thing you’ve ever slept with?”
“Well, at least Ah DO get some!’ Applejack retorts. “When was yer last roll in the hay?!”
“Whore!’ Twilight yells, going into her apartment and slamming the door.
“Tight-Ass!” Applejack retorts, stomping back upstairs.
I stand there alone, jaw wide open. “WHAT. THE. FUCK.”
“Ah, chaos... It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?” a sly voice chuckles beside me. I turn to find a man in a dapper brown suit floating in the air, legs crossed in relaxation. His lips are pulled back in a smug grin, revealing a long snaggle-tooth poking out of the front of his mouth.
I gasp. “Oh Good God, it’s you,” I say breathlessly.
“No, not quite,” he chortles, pulling out a lawn chair and shoving it under me. “Ol’ Capital G is currently residing on a cloud, watching from his pearly gates. Honestly, your universe’s gods are quite boring,” he yawns. “No interfering with your little mortal affairs.”
“The Princesses are going to get rid of you,” I say rather childishly. “You might as well give up now!”
He lets out a long cackle. “My dear little human, why would I want to fight against dear Celly and Lu-Lu?”
I look at him in confusion. “Wha?”
“I may be the god of Chaos, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly one in a while!” he smirks. “What, do you think I’d be hell-bent on revenge because they stuck me in a statue for a few thousand years?”
“Uh, yes,’ I say bluntly.
“Oh, you humans are such adorable little things.” he coos, patting my cheek with a long-nailed hand. “You just don’t understand the concept of bigger and better things!”
I pull away defensively. “Things like what?” I ask cautiously.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he grins. “Sorry, but I’ve already given you a backstage peek! You’ll just have to join everyone in the audience from now on!” And with a mad cackle and a flash of white, he teleports out of the hall.
I stand there, dumbfounded. What do I do?! That psycho’s going to kill us all if I don’t tell the Princesses!
Well, why don’t you go ahead and tell them, dumbass? A snide voice in my head growls.
I resolve to follow this advice and run up the stairs to Discord’s room, where Princess Celestia, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash are waiting. “Guys, you’ll never believe what I just saw!” I say urgently.
“Sebastian, are you ok?” Fluttershy asks, putting her hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah yeah, I’m fine,” I say, shaking her off. “But you guys have to listen to me! The weirdest thing just happened to me!”
“You fell into a wormhole and got transported into the year 2480, where you were captured and experimented on by a newly evolved human race, and now you’ve come back to take us all back to the Imagitorium, where we’ll be able to fly around on giant floating cakes while telepathically training dinosaurs to bake pies?!” Pinkie Pie asks excitedly, bouncing up and down.
I stare at her, completely dumbfounded. “No.”
She deflates in disappointment. “Aww…”
I shake my head to free my mind from that particular bout of madness. “Anyways, I was going through the hall when I saw Discord!”
Everyone gasps in horror. “But that can’t be right!” Rainbow Dash roars in frustration. “He’s locked up there and secure! We checked!”
“And we’ve been watching him all the time! He hasn’t moved an inch!” Rarity adds in indignation.
Sure enough, as I look inside the room, I see Discord’s statue chained to the floor, looking like it had been there for eternity. “B-but that’s impossible!” I stutter, searching for some proof against this. “I saw him with my own two eyes!”
“Perhaps it was an astral projection,” Princess Celestia suggested. “Discord is more than capable of such parlor tricks, even while incased in stone.”
“No, you don’t get it! He patted my cheek and everything!” I cry. “It wasn’t some dumb mirage!”
“What you feel and what you see, sounds like part of his plan to me,” comes a familiar voice. I turn to find Zecora, helping support a weary looking Luna as they walk towards us. Nurse Redheart scampers around them, looking nervous. “Although it may seem real as can be, do not forget, Master of Illusions is he.” she adds.
Celestia runs over to Luna and helps her get up. “Are you alright, Sister?” she asks, obviously concerned.
Luna gives her a weak smile. “Of course, Celestia,” she says wryly. “Can’t thine not see what a perfect picture of health We are?”
The Princess looks at Zecora questioningly. “Are you sure she’s well enough to help?”
Zecora smiles comfortingly. “Relax, dear big sister, don’t let worry bite! Your little Luna’s going to be alright!”
Redheart nods eagerly. “She’s still a little tired from the psychic beating she got, but she’s quite alright otherwise!”
“We wouldn’t call it a beating,” Luna grumbles. “More of an… Impasse.”
Celestia sighs. “If you two think it’s best… Now that we have Luna, all we need is Twilight and Applejack before we can be sure enough to go against Discord!”
The room suddenly gets uncomfortably warm for me. “Uh… There might be a problem with that,” I say sheepishly.
Everyone turns dramatically to me. “What the hell did you do this time, Sebastian?” Rainbow Dash asks urgently.
“See, it wasn’t MY fault!” I protest. “They just kind of hate each other now!”
Fluttershy gasps. “Oh dear… How bad is it?”
“Unkind words were said,” I say slowly. “Applejack said something that means “hard bum”, and then Twilight called her something that rhymes with ‘door’…”
“Well, she IS kind of loose…” Redheart admits. Everyone looks at her, causing the nurse to blush. “Everyone was thinking it, I just said it!” she says indignantly.
Zecora just rolls her eyes. “So how do we retrieve Miss Twilight and Miss Jack without having to fear the threat of an attack?”
Fluttershy timidly steps forward. “Well, I’m sure Twilight can be reasoned with,” she says quietly. “I’m not sure about Applejack, though… She CAN be really stubborn…”
“Are you kidding me?!” Rainbow Dash says indignantly. “Ok, Applejack can be a bit of a knucklehead, but Twilight’s always convinced that she’s got the voice of reason! Remember that one time she totally lost it because of ONE little report?”
“Well, it was important,” Rarity reasoned. “But I do think it might be a little harder to convince Twilight… Applejack’s just more agreeable.”
“No! Twilight’s always willing to put aside differences for the good of the group!” Pinkie Pie protests. “Remember when Discord made us all jerks and she was the only one focused on the mission?”
“It’s settled then!” Celestia interrupts. “Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy will attempt to reason with Twilight, and Rarity and Rainbow Dash will go to retrieve Applejack. Is that fair?”
There’s a general murmur of agreement before the group goes it separate ways. Seeing that they were gone, Celestia groans and puts her hand to her head. “Things used to be so simple,” she sighed wistfully.
I feel a pang of guilt run through me. “This is my fault, isn’t it?”
“Do not worry, it was bound to occur,” Zecora says comfortingly to me. “Though how will this affect the Elements, I wonder…”